I MISS MY HUSBAND; Fortuna-AZ

I don't feel guilty missing Bob.

Holland has abdicated his role as Husband, in my Life.

To Holland, being "a Husband" is "being a pussified pet."

Anyone who knew Bob … knew he could never be considered "pussified" - nor was he "a domesticated pet" simply because he loved me, and showed that love to the world by favoring me over everyone else.

Holland "will never do that!", because he "refuses to be a domesticated pet!"

Holland should not have married me: he is not ready to be a Husband. And sticking strictly to the Redmill men motto and life habits … he may never be ready to be a husband. That is going to be sad for both of us.

And maybe that is why I am feeling at lose ends again - maybe that is why old memories are resurfacing and that imp Grief is poking hard at me again.

I miss my Husband - BOTH of them.

Holland & Me (Left = present Life)/Bob & Me (Right = past Life)

Holland's past history with his family, and friends, stole his love from me; and given the way he sounds when he puts them above me … I never really had it. It always belonged to them.

I don't mind sharing his table with them - but I do mind being regulated to last place at his table: if I'm invited to sit in, at all.

Physical death stole Bob's love from me. I had it for 44 years; completely.

December is my heart's cold and lonely month.

Darryl Worley - 'I Miss My Friend' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_k8tY-v-y4)

Say their Name.

Honor the place they held in your Life.

Remember - not morosely, but with tender, passing grief.

12-13-2020 Blog Post: 'I PROMISED …':  (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/12/i-promised.html)

12-13-2019 Blog Post: 'COMFORT CARE DECISION - When I'm Gone':  (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/comfort-care-decision-when-im-gone.html)

Last year, December was not a hard month to get through - there were newlywed adjustments to be made, and Holland was trying to meet me halfway in those adjustments.

This year, for many reasons … those halfway adjustments have been halted, and he's no longer trying to make this marriage work. December has become very difficult for me to navigate - either awake, or trying to get a full night's rest.

I need space to adjust. Death is not a part of this December's cut-off, but love's gone, just the same.

Grief is grief, no matter what form ushers it in.

Tonight, I will fellowship and be part of a lively house setting: that will be tremendously refreshing, and help offset the dawning of December 14th - and the sorrowful nighttime memory flashbacks should ebb, too, as the 14th moves into the 15th and forward in time.

I'm praying this constant and unrepentant emotional chaos with Holland will not cause my heart to get stuck in 2018-2021 sorrow's grip, again.

Holland (not sure what slot he fits into at the moment = not a Husband; not really a Friend either at the moment, yet more than a companion: it's weird for me, 'normal' for Redmill 'family' mentality) has planned a day-long-exploratory adventure for Monday - seeing "what's left in AZ we haven't seen"; with hopes of visiting his Aunt Gaye in Kingman-AZ, before heading back to Fortuna-AZ

I don't know what will happen come January 2025; I just do the best I can 1 day at a time.