GRATITUDE FOR MR. COMPLICATION

I am thankful for this interlude with Holland.

When Bob's physical body died, I went so deep inside myself that I couldn't feel anything but the deepest pain of loss.

I was numb.

A man wasn't even on my radar.

I wasn't lonely for a man … my life was full. I was busy enjoying life. I was comfortable embracing my unwanted Solo Lobo Life - and building a Queendom ;-)

And then Holland was there: and against my will, all those dormant feelings came to life. Elohim literally opened my eyes to see Holland; and all that love that had dried up when Bob went to live beyond the clouds, suddenly blossomed again and had somewhere to go.

I felt as though I had known Holland all my life.

And I know that Holland felt the same way: there was confirmation from a reliable source.

Holland's love for me was real.

But Holland had been a bachelor for decades - he was used to cutting and running when things got a little uncomfortable.

Marriage gets uncomfortable at times: that's called growth.

Holland never really relinquished his bachelorhood: he never cheated on me, but he never settled into a solid marital relationship, either. He's had 1 foot out the door for 8 months .. and moves into {separation mode} every 7 to 10 days.

Marriage makes Holland very uncomfortable.

The continual emotional upheaval wears me out: it makes me uncomfortable.

But I am thankful Holland was a part of my life: I learned that I was still able to love again. I am still capable of sharing my whole life with someone, again.

I will always have a heartfelt gratitude for Mr. Complication.

Gloria Gaynor - 'I Will Survive' song lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihUF8pbphbk)

A BEND IN THE ROAD~Yuma-AZ

I'm terrible at keeping things hidden - my face shows it.

My voice betrays it.

My choice of music throws out hints.

Eventually the cat is out of the bag.

Holland has separated himself from me … it's been a long time coming. A few people have been in the loop: some of Holland's people, and some of my people.

I have tried to put a positive spin on things (always hopeful), but I'm no good at keeping things hidden. Covering things up makes me feel like a liar.

Today went up in flames, and I'm tired of reaching for the fire extinguisher. I'm exhausted with the continual 2 weeks separation ridiculousness.

I do NOT want the kind of twisted marital relationship my mother and sister had: I deserve better, and I won't settle for less than love from the man I have pledged to share my life with.

Holland was a bachelor for decades - he's used to cutting out when things don't go his way.

I don't do separations.

I don't do divorce.

I get married for life - Holland knew this going into this marriage because I told him so; I've always been upfront with him. He has not - it seems - been upfront with me.

I don't know where we go from here. The ball is in Holland's court, and currently, he is playing foul ball …

I'm not going to keep grinding on this situation, but people have been curious: now they know.

A SUNNY FREEZE

It's a little nippy here, in sunny Arizona …

Janis Joplin - 'Down On Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hxM_MkCXMU)

There's an aura of blues in the air; and Bleu is at my feet.

Bleu.

Leon Russell - 'Trouble In Mind' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF5mctkQ8Xw)

I've got coffee in hand and looking for sunshine out my window.

Time with Mr. Complication will be a good testimony, later; it's just hard in the moment.

Lingering baggage from the Past is making life in the Present very unpleasant :-(

Janis Joplin - 'Intruder' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHHCZa2V8Bo)

When these moments show up (and they always do - every 2 weeks), I remind myself the withdrawal is not running; presence - even a distant presence - means that hope has not given up.

Janis Joplin - 'Try' song:

 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLyWd6tnEPM)

Life is complicated and the excess baggage is tiring; a clean break from the bad, and a strong shot of good about now … would be nice, Lord.

Janis Joplin - 'Ball & Chain' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrF_nM9pknU)

Janis Joplin - 'Work Me Lord' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpHaUeYdL_A)

I've never been in a relationship like this before: I've never allowed this type of behavior before.

But this is where Elohim has led me.

It's a strange place to be.