THIS WOMAN WANTS A REAL MAN

Amen … this chicka wanna real man; and that includes dealing with the macho side of my man's persona 😉

A strong woman should want a strong man.

"You Want A Man To Be A Man!": 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3-9ATEfbDI)

My man's macho attitude may drive me crazy some days - but a limp wristed sissy wearing a man bun and makeup doesn't appeal: a preening peacock can't do for me what my real man can do.

NO MATTER WHAT we may be going through, working through, or saying out of frustrated anger in attempts be be heard by the other … I KNOW that my husband will always be thinking of me 100%. In fact, 9 times out of 10, he is the first to forgive and make the first move towards reconciliation.

He safeguards our finances, and always makes sure I have significant "mad money" at my fingertips.

He sleeps closest to the threshold door, so he's the first to meet trouble if it forces itself into our home.

When he heard I was hiking by myself in the backcountry, he came home with Bear Spray and said, "I want you to carry this with you always."

He will nearly always come home with something for me that I mentioned in conversation (sometimes weeks or  months ago), handing it to me and saying, "I saw this today and remembered you said you like it." I am always surprised when love gifted … and thankful that I'm on his mind, all the time ;-)

When I had a bad asthma attack, but insisted I wanted to spend time with my girls at Bible Study - Holland drove me there, and sat in the pickup accepting inquisitive glances (and probably wrong assumptions), while graciously turning down invites to come inside for coffee and cake because he didn't want to intrude on my personal care day.

And a few weeks ago when I felt the need to go to ER, he drove me there … and sent me caring texts, "Don't worry - I'm here" because he knows I hate hospitals and was more than a little jittery.

Holland's macho man persona is tempered by his gentle, compassionate, and loving side 😘 

So, no matter what (((I))) say or do … I'm not going to let anyone badmouth, or disrespect my man. Holland has done me righteous - God's truth.

A macho man is not something I am familiar with; these type of men always annoyed me. But macho fits Holland - he wouldn't be him without that side of his personality. And I guess the reason it doesn't annoy me, is because he doesn't lord himself over me: in fact I found myself being more annoyed at the lenient freedom he seems content to give me. Go figure. But I understand him more now … and I've stopped yanking at the loosely held reins, and stomping the ground in mustang revolt. Where macho used to be annoying to me, I find it strangely appealing; even kinda respectful ;-)

Our {issues} have to do with bleed-over insecurities from past traumas; both of us carry emotional baggage.

And we are working through those - together.  Love forgives … and we love. Our life is complex, but I am glad Holland is in my Life. It certainly is never boring!

I am a woman that can (and has) taken care of myself all my life: before, during, and after Bob. Holland knows this about me because he was my best friend and cheered me on since 2021 - he has supported me through the darkest and hardest days of my Life; he is a special person, and he deserves (and gets) my love and respect.

HARD PROMISES; Woodland-WA

It is HARD rebuilding a fractured life.

Marriage; Male role.

Marriage; Female role.

Both of us came into this marriage with shattered trusts, and broken hearts; Holland feels his a little deeper because even though he has been on his own since he was 14 years old … he has never actually been on his own; no matter what he was doing or going through, he always had the cushion of Family to fall back on. He lived with & worked with his uncles, his brothers, his BIL's; occasionally shared rent with sisters and BIL's; rented homes and apartments owned by aunts. Even when he did have jobs, homes and apartments away from the family hub - they were only a few miles, or a phone call away. He has never truly been on his own.

I never had any of that: I was literally on my own from Day #1. Yes, I lived in my mother's house until I married at 17 … but my mother was an absent mother - if she wasn't working out-of-house, she was mentally checking out while in-house. Again, while married to Bob, I was essentially alone most of the time: when he wasn't working, he spent most of his weekend and holiday time connecting in person, with his family & friends (in this regard, Holland is a lot like Bob). The church I attended accepted my tithe - but ignored me the rest of the time because I had married a divorced man. I had a lot of time alone; there was never, at any time, a hot house environment for me to relax in. I was always left to fend for myself in any, and all, situations. I learned to become a wild-flower survivor. When Bob's physical body died in the winter of 2018, I was 100% on my own - totally dependent on Elohim's benevolence in every single area of my New Life: without Him being the one stabilizing factor in my life since I turned my life over to Him at age 8, I'm certain I would not have had the desire to carry myself forward.

In both marriages, my men have tried to mold me into something I am not. I was up front with both of them that I am damaged goods, with a serious case of PTSD - I need peace and stability in my life. It sometimes seems like an ironic Devine joke I don't {get}, that Elohim has paired me up twice with men who are apparently damaged goods too, that cannot cut the apron strings. Their mother's coddled them (they were raised as little lord's & not prepared for life's harsh realities), and their first wives shattered them (reality bit hard); immature people on all sides trying to breathe life into immature relationships. The men raised as little lords could not - or stubbornly would not - give their wives what they wanted. Their mothers, siblings, and friends already held claim to that.

Wife is to BE 'top dog'.

Women eventually reach the numb zone.

PTSD is always in action; with everyone.

This marriage, due to the nature and the addictive co-dependency tendencies of his family and friend nucleus, requires Holland to be on his own: I don't want alcoholism and narcotics in my life, I don't want pushy interferences and dominating people in our life, together. It seems like every day has an argument in it which stems from the addictive co-dependency tendencies of his family and friend nucleus; he needs to break loose from these damaging relationships to enjoy our relationship as it should be enjoyed.

A stable marriage depends on a stable Team work.

And he is doing that. In small steps. He hasn't swallowed a drop or alcohol, or a Vicodin tablet in weeks. Visits to family members, and friends in Kelso had drastically slowed down; and he is grudgingly allowing the winnowing of bad company from his life: "Don't you have any decent people in your life - people that are not focused on destroying their lives with drugs … or people who are always trying to run your life, and run me out if it? Seriously? These people are not your friends if they don't want a good life for you; if they aren't in your corner, cheering for your success, why are you hanging onto them?"

Hard promises on the long road of marital life.

Love, to Holland's mindset, is a battlefield.

I was thrown to the wolves early on: there was no parental coddling, and reality's hard bite was a childhood staple. I was born in the coldest month of the year … and I've felt the chill, all of my life.

But even with December's frosty fingers chasing me, August which is the warmest month of the year, is a hard month for me to get through: there are so many memories connected to every day of August that derail me. I try to avoid people interactions until the tempests if August pass.

Derailment for Holland happens all year long; and it doesn't matter what State we are in when it happens: because he has lived with mother and siblings in every state we've been to since we married, the memory-jarring heart-felt derailments come screaming around the blind corner of life at unexpected and unforeseen moments – it slams into his life (and our Life) before he even recognizes he's been torpedoed by memories that still live there.

Memories find both of us catapulted backward in time - the memories are bittersweet, and getting through the days are hard.

Love, to my frame of mind, is a long road filled with hard promises.

But living on borrowed time as I am, I really do not want to be stumbling down a shaded rock strewn goat trail.

To keep love alive, one has to be in love with their life - every second of it: it's the only way wildflower love grows, and thrives ;-)

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - 'Love Is A long Road': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOpuB5aSVF4)