He's in a black mood again. He's been trading phone calls and phone texts with family members and friends, from Kelso-WA. He gets off the phone with a scowl on his face and ready barbs to spit out of his mouth. He was CLOISTERED IN THE TRUCK the other day, engaged in a 2-hour phone call with a cousin, and came back in the house ready to rumble. He started a fight BASED ON ASSUMPTIONS he had in his mind about what I would think, had he had the convo in-house.
His angry assumption, really did make me angry (1) I happen to like this cousin, though I've never met him; I have been privy to convo's between them, and have on many occasions encouraged Lynn to go see him (2) admittedly, the topic does not interest me … but the closing out and secretiveness was not necessary; and the excuse given, was inflammatorily weak (3) the eagerness to start an unnecessary fight was not deserved.
The bunk room is becoming his primary {space}, because "you are impossible to live with!" redmill men translation - "I can't treat you like shit and have you smiling while I do it."
Wrong woman - wrong assumption.
Now, he feigns surprise that I am pulling back. And I'm hearing the same, worn, tune: "You just hate everyone. You're just jealous!" So, I ask him, "Who? Who do I hate? Who am I jealous of? All I know about your highly dysfunctional family and friends … is what you tell me: admittedly, what I am hearing, I do not want any part of - that does not make me 'hateful'; and though these people obviously take up a lot of space in your life and with your time … they are not everyone; they are a sad, pitiful few. Why on Earth, would I be jealous of them? Their lives are in shambles, and they are miserably unhappy people. And you are unhappy when you make contact with them; trying to make me as miserable as yu'all. I'm not engaging on that playing field. I don't want to spend my life babysitting miserable people; and I am not going to accept bad behavior from you, either. You are wrong to treat me this way, and an apology like, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry" … and actually meaning it, instead of mouthing empty words, will be accepted; and we can get back to some semblance of rational cohabitation".
He shoots off, "I'll never say that; you will never put me on a leash - I am not your pet!"
I've never kept any of my men on a leash - but I do expect them to behave and understand boundaries. Lynn has been a bachelor for decades … and from what I understand from what he has shared with me about his Past - he has never had to answer to anyone for anything. And he, like the other redmill men, seriously do consider women beneath their consideration; and beneath them in only one way that matters to them at the end of the day. Period.
It's cave man mentality.
I said, "So … what I'm hearing is that you want to be a free agent, and you only want me around if I agree to, and accept, bad behavior; and when you're feeling like a roll in the clover … I'm not okay with that. Tell you what - you keep your freedom, and I'll take space from everything, including you, until you view women in a favorable light, and you figure out exactly what you want concerning me. If Kelso and all that entails is what you want, go home. If the wild side of life is what you want, and you think marriage is a 'taming leash!" … go home, Lynn. Go be the happy fool in Kelso; parading after, and babysitting your dysfunctional family and friends. I could really use some space from all the craziness you wrap yourself with."
I'm am referring to him with the name his whacky family calls him by: I married a man named Holland … Holland was the side of him he sold me, along with a honeyed promise to build a life with me, making it clear to me "I am not like the rest of them." Lynn, the one who lives in the Past, with a past that did more than dance on the wild side of life, is not someone I recognize; or care to know, actually. Holland is loving, kind, and gentle; Holland treats me tenderly. Holland has goals, ambitions, and includes me in those plans. Lynn is self-centered, easily angered, mean-spirted, and engages in risky behavior and terrible life patterns. I prefer Holland over Lynn (Holland is his legal birth name - the name he married me with; Lynn is his middle name, and the badass side of him his family and friends prefer; and keep whipping up to serve their no-good-purposes): his family and friends prefer Lynn because he is their babysitter - he takes care of thorny issues, excuses rottenness, and is shamelessly taken advantage of. Family like this is a questionable "tie", and {friends} like this are not friends.
If he wants me, he has to stick with Holland … and let Lynn fall by the wayside. They are all adults - it's time they picked up after themselves and set Lynn free to become his own person, before this life in this skin, ends with his last breath: the man Elohim knows and expects Holland to be: the man I know him to be.
And that's where we're at.
E.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e. he makes contact with these people who have a shoddy outlook concerning women, and a woefully sad view of marriage given the lifestyle they live and embrace (and I'm understanding Lynn seriously misses).
I'm not going to be like the other redmill women: accepting belittlement simply because I am a woman … and I am not going to be treated like an obedient dog that will heel when my chain is yanked … or I'm thrown a juicy tidbit, now and then, to keep me 'in line'.
Once again, Lynn is set up in the bunk room - sometimes the door is open, more often than not, it is closed.
Doors are the sacred portals to acceptance.
They draw a clear boundary between who is allowed in and who should stay out. The only people who are allowed in are those who we choose to let in. If we don’t have the time/energy to answer the door: we don’t. If someone comes to our door that makes us uncomfortable … we tell them to please stop and close it (maybe the words/meaning is more pointed). If we decide to let them in, we can agree, disagree, connect, or quarrel and know that when we’re done, our door will be there to reestablish our boundaries.
I have always had a "no closed door" policy in my homes (a closed door signifies a 'fuck you' mentality; an 'you are not important enough for inclusion' mentality - that mentality has no place in a homelife environment; 'I don't want to see you & you can't see me' mentality): Lynn is seriously, and childishly, challenging that open door policy - he is making a statement; basically he is nonverbally making a pissing against the wall statement.
For the first time in my entire life … I am allowing closed doors.
Peace is what I want in my Life now; peace is what I intend to have in my Life now.
I am allowing the closed door: for Lynn, it represents his 'right to freedom' - freedom that should not exist in a marital relationship; for me, right now; in this space and time, it represents the peace I desire.
I am tired of fighting with Lynn over things I will never accept, or be comfortable with.
The sound of silence is becoming a welcome friend.
A freewheeling life of drugs, drink, loose women, criminal motorcycle gang mentality, and lop-sided gender-based life views … is not appealing to me: I don't want to be around those kind of people: I grew up around those types of people and don't want it in my life anymore. That does not make me 'a hater!' I am a Christian. I am a high-value woman. It's a pity my husband (who claims to be a Christian, and says his entire family are Christians; go figure, considering all they embrace and excuse) doesn't understand anything at all about me and can't respect my lifestyle choice - and has no idea at all of what a true Christian, or Christian lifestyle, is.
He is used to the loosey-goosey redmill religion.
He is used to loosey-goosey vineyard religion.
He is used to the loosey-goosey sturgis motorcycle gang religion.
He is used to the loosey-goosey oak point grange hall religion.
It is true that Christians are "saved by grace" … however, it is also true that using that grace to continue living a life of debauchery and selfish behaviors is a sin that brings shame on the Name of Christ = Christianity. I refuse to engage in delusional graces; I refuse to dishonor the Name I claim. I can love people, while steering clear of destructive lifestyles and behavior patterns. Choosing a better environment for myself, and a healthier outlook on personal well-being; is not a hateful attitude.
He was not listening to what I was clearly saying when I was talking about these things at oak point … he was focusing on my shapely hour glass presentation.
Separation & Divorce for any other reason than adultery, is out of the question: I told him this about me, from the get-go: I am a Christian; marriage is a life-long commitment, not to be entered into lightly. This is a new, and disturbing concept to him - he is used to the redmill religion of 'easy come, easy go; and anything and everything is a go'.
Relationship advancement is stalled.
Communication has ended.
Life, in the moment, is in limbo.
This is not the type of marital relationship I had envisioned … or would have ever agreed to, had I known beforehand - but I'm in it; and leaning on Elohim's love, strength, and wisdom, to help me live through the verbal barbs, emotional withdrawals, and physical separations.
Having watched my mother and sister suffer through dangerously combative marriages (severe emotional and mental attacks, physical battering's, broken furniture, broken bones & hospitalizations, adulteries, illegitimate children, months long abandonments); I know things could be worse - and are not. For that gracious mercy, I am thankful: what I am experiencing in this moment of my life is bad - but it's not bad.
People reading this post, do not have to be agreement.
I know my husband is not a danger to me. I know that my husband is not always in a black mood. I know that my husband suffers with TBI, and that when upset gets stuck in an unhealthy mental loop. I know that eventually, when the black mood plays itself out, he will be sorry: sometimes he will verbalize that fact, other times he will simply act out his 'I'm sorry I was an AH'. But in the in-between-time, things get out-of-focus hard to deal with.
Now is reality time for Lynn; Lynn has never dealt with reality time, before. It is unfamiliar territory.
Now is space time for Val; I have never dealt with {I need space} before - before it was never necessary: most men in my past, realized that I am a good thing, and wanted to keep me. A hostile, mixed-messages union is unfamiliar territory.
So, I am slowly filling my new life with new places, new people, and new things to do – new “destination” points. A looping hike may seem like a small thing … but, it IS “a destination”; it fleshes out my days – it gives me something to do/people to see throughout the week (when Lynn broodily tosses freeze outs my way & closes himself off from me following phone convo's from his dysfunctional family and friends). Along my hike, people are happy to see me & speak pleasantries in passing: THAT makes me happy. And, I’m happy to see them too – for a brief moment in time, we’re sharing our lives: fleeting, but happening.
