DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST~Self-Care 2025; Ocean Park-WA

August 27th: Tomorrow morning around 5 AM, we'll be pulling out of here …

Betsy & Independence; Ocean Park-WA

Honestly - I do not know why we are even driving all those thousands of miles to CA just to continue the same tired cycle - he can treat me like crap here; and it would be easier on his joints and our bank account.

For myself, I'm going to honor the pledge I made before Almighty God - it won't be easy, but I'd rather struggle with this marriage that isn't; than struggle against Elohim, even if living with a narcissist is a continual uphill climb. There is never any true ground gained … it's all a slippery slope, and the footing is always tricky.

Emotional gaslighting destroys trust. Stalled trust ends a relationship.

But, I've gone through worse trials & Yeshua was always there when I needed His strength. People let me down, but God never does. I can always trust Elohim's Plan for my Life. I may not understand the why's - but I always trust the One, Who sits on the throne.

I am not ignorant of what a narcissist is: my mother and sister were married to cruel males who treated them very shabbily. I pointedly go out of my way to avoid toxic men. I am literally shocked that I now find myself married to a narcissist - I never saw that coming down the pike.

Holland doesn't fit the stereotype. It was only after we'd been married about 2 weeks that I realized the deep waters I was in. The sneaker waves come in cycles; never seen, but always lurking to eventually strike with a vengeance.

I'm learning the cycles, though. The code words which mean the waves are gathering strength. The love bombing that always leaves emotional pain and soul anguish in it's wake. The sneaky behaviors and ridiculous lies in attempts to cover up the sneakiness - always over some stupid bullshit that wouldn't have mattered if I'd been in the loop, anyway. The angry verbal dart hurled my way because he's blame-shifting to avoid feeling the guilt nagging at his heart to feel. Something. Anything. 

Sorry and true remorse would be a novel experience.

I'm realizing that it's not whether I know, or whether I don't know … he gets a wild hair and it's all about rebellion at that point. He does what he wants regardless of the impact on me, or the relationship.

I'm distancing myself from the chaos, and taking care of myself.

Physically. Emotionally, Spiritually.

She didn't stop loving him - she stopped losing herself to love him.

I may be his target - but I am not an easy target. He may think to make me a victim; but I refuse to be a victim. He may engage in mean-spirited cat and mouse games, but I'm familiar with cat and mouse games.

I've never been a victim.

Eventually even Elohim will tire of his egocentric silliness and slap him down. I will not enjoy watching that; but I am fervently anticipating it. It is needed. Anytime soon would be greatly appreciated.

So … I just stop going to places he wants to visit: like relatives. Where the behavior is practiced by everyone.

The males are overbearing.

The females are docile - except the ones who have been with the family forever and are given the green light to "misbehave.'

WTH

I won't be controlled. By anyone. For any reason.

When MY male misbehaves and tries to control me in public situations, I …. (1) simmer on a low burn and explode in the vehicle on the way back home to the battlefield (2) give him a chance to settle down and behave in public; if he continues the dysfunctional behavior, my low simmer eventually hits the danger zone & I will firmly correct the words he is twisting. I will risk the verbal berating - or freeze out, later on (3) just get up & walk out. I'm [out], & He can deal with the freeze out.

I have NEVER accepted this behavior. From my mother. From my children.

I am too old for this immature bullshit.

I am NOT going to be controlled by a dominating males high on self-importance and toxic ego.

So, I just stopped sitting at unwelcome dysfunctional relatives' tables.

And because it keeps happening; and has gotten worse following Scott's death … I won't be taking this fallout-Kelso-mess to his relatives' tables in CA. He can go visit alone, and tell them whatever he wants to tell them about my absence. Actually, he can keep my name off his lips.

I will build and set MY OWN Table. Where I am welcome. Where I won't be disrespected. Where peace reigns.

I.WILL.NOT.BE.CONTROLLED

To find balance in this seriously unbalanced relationship (if it can be termed such), I need to pull back & focus on my own well-being and stand firm with my boundaries. My emotional safety, and my soul healing, are top priorities: living with a a narcissist is very draining. With all levels of being.

I've been busy all day dodging fiery darts, and getting Independence ready to roll; but I did find some time to make time for some cardio exercises - light cardio, but that's okay. Cardio is cardio:

The Step Back-Torso Twist exercise helps improve balance and overall lower body stability - and it's knee-friendly, making it a good option for those with knee issues.

This exercise also uses your obliques (internal and external), which are responsible for rotation, along with the rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis for general core stabilization. The erector spinae and quadratus lumborum in your lower back also engage to support the movement. This exercise also engages leg muscles like the hip flexors; & stabilizing muscles throughout the body may also be activated.

1 Minute Step Back-Torso Twist Workout : 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu8d6HrLfoU)

The Step Half Jacks is a low impact, full-body exercise, that engages a range of muscles, primarily in the legs and glutes (quadriceps, calves, glutes) and the core (abdominals and lower back), with the shoulders and arms also participating in the movement. This exercise is good for balance, stability, and cardiovascular health.

The muscles of the lower back include the erector spinae group (iliocostalis, longissimus, and spinalis), multifidus, and quadratus lumborum. These muscles work together to support the expand, rotate, & stabilize the spine - to maintain posture, and to enable activities such as bending, lifting, and walking. 

 

I hope to be doing some walking, Friday sometime, in CA

PAST TIDBITS; Ilwaco-WA

July 14th:  I scrolled through Blog & FB Memory posts 💻 & answered PM's; while watching a little gray & black chickadee hop across Betsy's bright red hood, while I enjoyed my coffee, this morning.

We really do have a blessed Life 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 - and that life is getting better with each passing Day 😘

Scrolling through posts - hearing & feeling 'happy!' vibes.

A few years ago, I had asked Elohim "for purpose … something to make me feel alive, again" - and He blessed me in spades, with Holland 😎; he is a true genuine "new experience" - he definitely gives my life purpose, and he certainly keeps my life interesting - there's no more boredom, for sure 😊

I also & watched the sky, fervently hoped and prayed the dust cloud that had blowing across the peninsula all week long - would lift and disappear, so we could escape these 4 walls.

When Holland woke up and drained his coffee mug, we did escape for a couple hours. Holland had a few items he wanted to pick up at the Builder's Supply Store in Long Beach, and I wanted to grab a few frozen bags of assorted veggies on the way back home.

Climbing into Betsy, I noticed a couple vehicle freshener packets that Holland had apparently gotten from his trip to Astoria the other morning; when he took Betsy over the bridge for an oil change. When Holland joined me in Betsy's cab, I said, "I don't know if my lungs will allow these - these things can get pretty potent … those horrible tree and poodle things can be smelled a mile away from the cars that use them." Holland said, "These aren't that strong. The scent is called 'Ice', and it's a milder scent."

The air in Betsy is needing a refreshing boost.

I looked at the [ify] packet, and mentally weighed the possibilities.

I looked back at my husband; he also has lung complications - if he thinks it is a safe thing … maybe it is.

I decided to risk opening the packet: if it was too strong, it could be trashed - no harm, no foul.

It did smell good, the scent wasn't aggressive, and my lungs didn't go apoplectic on me. It was hung 🤞

Then we were off to take care of business; and even found time for a relaxing drive, comfy companiable convo, and a few [Past tidbits] interludes 😁

First, a stop at the Pioneer Market to grab a couple of burrito's: I also silenced my phone. I'm tired of the nonsensical "breaking news" - and I am seriously fed up with the jeffery epstein thirst traps that lead away from truly important things happening in the now 😒🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Ignoring trigger 'Breaking News!' & shutting down global hysterias that have nothing to do with [The Now].

Then, the trip to the Lumber Yard:

Oman and Son Builders Supply; #612 Washington Ave S, Long Beach, WA

While Holland was locating & grabbing what he was needing; I grabbed a leather pouch. I'm going to find a way to attach it to my backpack; to use with my camera when hiking. It will keep the camera from swinging back and forth - and the camera strap from tugging at my tender neck skin, while walking.

The nice little camera my husband gifted me with, last Fall - bought in Parker-AZ, fits perfectly into this leather pouch.

Needs taken care of, we drove into Ilwaco; Holland likes to sit and watch water - whenever and wherever 😉 - and I appreciate the peaceful vibes that comes over his whole person when we are indulging his preferred pastime 💕

Driving towards the Marina, I saw people dinking around with piles of sand, so I asked Holland to pull over, so I could get a picture of the truck feature. He did - and I asked the people what they were doing, and why they were doing it: they said there is a sand sculpting event coming up, and they were working on that. It sounds interesting, and I want to go see it:

Sand Sculpting in Ilwaco-WA

He watched the water, talked about boats & fishing - and I watched various birds (wrens, geese, seagulls …) & listened: my husband has a gentle voice, and I learn a lot about him when he is talking - what inspires him, how much he misses his youngest brother who died (they worked together, they fished together; they were very close), his hopes & dreams … he is calm & peaceful, when he's near water. In these peaceful moments, he relaxes and feeds me Past tidbits.

When we were leaving Ilwaco, I caught sight of the siding of a house that was interesting - so, I asked Holland if he'd get closer, so I could snag a picture of it: I have seen this detail many times, on many houses; but I've never seen the fancy detail cover the entire side of a house.

I was curious:

Fish Scale decorative shingles.

Upon closer inspection, as we drove around the house, I saw that only that side wall had been covered in such a manner - the rest of the house was the original shiplap siding.

The next house that caught my attention, was kinda along the same detail theme - but, this house had Historical Past tidbits attached to it's simplicity …

This design is pretty common in fishing towns …

This house is on the Historical Register List.

Net mending in Ilwaco, David Herrold on the left, and his Father Roy c1901

{{In 1914, Roy Herrold bought into the Tokeland Oyster Company and served as its manager for many years. He had previously owned and operated fish-traps in Baker Bay.

The traps were “sanding-in” caused by the advent of the jetties and this necessitated a change in occupation in order to support his family Elfreda (wife), Bernard, Betsy, Harlan, Charlotte, Catherine, and David.

Charlotte Elfreda Harrold:  (https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/63458522/charlotte-e-davis)

Catherine Harrold:  (https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/52142515/catherine-troeh & https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_Troeh)

Jane Harrold: (http://www.inthetote.com/jane-herrold.html)

Chief Comcomly-WA:  (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comcomly)

When school was out in the spring, we as a family prepared to leave Ilwaco and go to the oyster station for the summer. We would go to the depot and board the train for Nahcotta… The ride to Nahcotta seemed to take a long time. Finally, we arrived at the railroad dock and there was the “Tokeland” waiting to take us to the oyster station. We all crowded into the cabin. It seemed that it was always rough when we crossed the channel near the dock. The boat would roll but it wasn’t very long before she got into calmer waters.

Willapa Bay Oyster Station-WA

Our principal entertainment while at the oyster station was playing the Victrola and making wooden projects in the box-house out of materials used to build boxes to ship oysters. When the weather was good we would go ashore to Fresh Water Creek and pick blackberries. Our lunches were something which I always like to remember; fresh homemade bread and Goulter’s canned beef. Van Camp’s beans were also part of the picnic. The Herrold family lived on one end of the living quarters which consisted of one bedroom downstairs and three large bedrooms upstairs.

Downstairs, a huge desk stood in the corner of the room which needed a stool to reach the working area. The dining table was located nearby which was the main center for solitaire. A large kitchen was joined by a woodshed which housed the wooden tank with the drinking water supply. The Japanese workmen lived in the adjoining section of the house….

The oysters which came to these stations were culled and graded by Japanese workers and placed in bins which were covered with water. These were what was classified as “selects, 400, 600 and 800”. They were shipped to San Francisco where Charlie Shippey, the broker, arranged for their sale.

Excepted from “Oyster Stations” by David Herrold, They Remembered Book 3, ©Ilwaco Heritage Foundation, 1992}}

Then a memory pricked Holland's gray matter, and he started looking for the house he had worked on, in Ilwaco, somewhere in the timeframe of 2007-2008.

More Past tidbits:

Holland did the interior & exterior finish, on this house built of composite block & finished by Holland & the men that worked under him~Ilwaco-WA

This is the Garage … with fancy garage doors.

Back in Ocean Park, I did a quick lap into Oakie's Grocery Store to grab my frozen veggies for my ramen noodles; and we both laughed when I showed him what else I snagged:

Cheetah Flip-flops came home with me from the grocery store 😉

And Holland made a watermelon-cuke salad for a fast & tasty Supper.

Today - from start, to finish - was a good Day 💓

WALK THE FREQUENCY OF LOVE~Self Care: Ocean Park-WA

Holland wanted to talk to me today, but I am not interested in any more fighting - and I'm not interested in him dictating the flow of the home environment, anymore: I've been doing that, and all he has done is be a tyrant.

So.

After about 4 hours of total silence, he broke silence, and started talking. About things and people he knows will incite a fight.

I counted to 10 before breaking in and saying, "Why are you going down this road? I do not want to hear any of this, and you know that. I am over here minding my own business. Being quiet. Staying out of your line of fire. I do not want to fight with you anymore about things that are not going to change." He started in with, "I have a right …" And I said, "Yes, you do. And so do I. Your rights do not get to step all over my rights." He tried another angle, "I really don't know why you are so angry."

I just looked at him for a minute before saying, "I'm not angry, Holland - I'm done; that's a big difference. Anger wastes energy and I'm done throwing away energy on a man and a situation that leaves me out of the equation. Wednesday we drove to Longview; before we left, we agreed to go visit Crystal before we came home. You stopped at the Park in Rainer-OR for a pit stop so we didn't have to stop in Kelso. When we crossed the bridge to make my eye appointment in Longview-WA, I went into the building with the belief that we'd be driving to Ryderwood when I came back out … you decided to punish me: you had it in your mind the entire trip to Longview, that this was what you intended to do. It was spiteful. It was a demeaning action. It was childish. And why all the drama? Because I did not want to spend time with people whining about impending death while committing suicide: chemo treatments are wasted on a person who continues to smoke nonstop - and walks around sucking on an oxygen tube while smoking! Sympathy is wasted on a man swollen with liver damage while continuing to drink like a fish. You just saw these people …" He broke in, "They are dying …" I broke in, "I am dying! And you don't seem to be overly concerned about me. Those people are literally killing their bodies with rebellious spirits - pretty much the same spirit you are feeding with your reckless behavior; my body is literally killing me, and my spirit is struggling to keep it alive. Big difference. You got all bent out of shape because I said I'd sit in the truck while you sat in the kitchen in Kelso filling your head with bullshit and your lungs with cigarette, and marijuana, smoke tainted air. You know my lungs can't deal with that … and you shouldn't be exposing your lungs to that, either. Why you chose this hill to stand & fight for your rights on, is beyond understanding. So, you threw a brat fit, decided all by yourself that if there was no Kelso visit … there would be no visiting at all. With anyone. I have been trying to visit Crystal for 18 months, so she can show off her new home. We had an agreement when we left Ocean Park - and you maliciously changed the Plan, simply because you wanted to have your own way. Then, you demanded that I don't have anything to do with anyone in your family - which is fine with me, in general, so letting them go is not a hardship for me; but you knew I was friends with Jake & Crystal before you were even a blip on my radar - and you know Brenda & I have become friends. What happened on Wednesday was uncalled for. I'm done. You are not trustworthy."

He actually huffed, and asked, "What does that mean?" I replied, "It means that you are not a safe place for me; I can't trust your spirit. I can't trust your actions. I can't trust your words when they tell me that you love me: love builds up - love does not destroy. Trust is essential with me - I told you that, in the beginning stages of our stepping out together. I will stay in this marriage because I obey Elohim always; I don't like at the moment, where He has placed me, but I will stay to honor Him. I am not going to fight with you anymore about people that disrespect me - including you, yourself - nor am I going to spend anymore time around people involved in questionable activity: that is not who I am; if that is what you want, then you will be spending a lot of time alone, because I will not be going with you. If you want a Wife, then you have to be a Husband. A husband treats his wife with honor and respect; he doesn't place her at the back of the line, or at the bottom of the totem pole: he doesn't blatantly disregard her, or punish her in a sanctimonious mood."

Then, because the atmosphere was so tense, and I was so stressed, I had a full-blown asthma attack. While I was standing over the sink gasping for air, and letting unchecked dribble and life-draining-tears fall down the drain - my throat was sore and swollen from the strenuous coughing, and my chest ached from the strain of struggling lungs. Holland was rushing to find an inhaler and push it into my hand, saying, "Relax, and use this." Holland's family members may have used inhalers to get stoned on … but my situation is drastically different. I wasn't wanting a junkie high. Telling me to "relax and use" the inhaler, which for me was useless in the moment, was not helpful even though he was trying to be helpful. At that particular moment, my poor body was fighting to live. I just held it, and looked at it while gasping, wheezing, coughing, and feeling my lungs straining against my aching chest. I could feel strain marks breaking out on my face as my body fought to maintain a grasp on life: I can't use the inhaler if I can't breathe - my throat and lungs need to be open, in order for the inhaler to offer me a sliver of hope for a continuing life. A junkie's experience is not the same: their airwaves are open, and their bodies are not trying to kill them.

Asthma, in a full-blown mode, is not a fun thing to be thrust into. It is not a pretty thing to see. It's frightening. It's sobering. It's seriously life-threatening.

When I mentally calmed my body down enough to utilize the inhaler, I said, "This stress needs to end Holland. The need for you to have your way, and feel righteously right when you are obviously wrong, is going to kill me one of these days. My life was pretty stress-free 2-1/2 years ago - and 37 years out of the 44 I was married to Bob, and I need it to be stress-free again, now. The fighting for fight's sake,  needs to stop. Things need to change." He asked, "What? What needs to change?" And I said, "You. You need to change. I can't take any more hostility. Or bitterness - you have got to let go of the past, and move into the present towards a future. You are stuck in a past life, constantly talking about people - dead people, due to their own suicidal tendencies, people who did really bad things to others they feel [did them wrong] … you seem proud of the serious recklessness, and get seriously angry with me if I say anything that contradicts your proud moment: these may be your family members, but they were criminally reckless, Holland, and there's nothing cute, funny, or a reason to be proud of what they did - or who they did it, to. I have a right to have an opinion on what you tell me. If you don't want to hear what I have to say … stop throwing me stuff to chew on. Stop dragging these people and their behavior into our lives and conversations; the only conversations you are ever interested in having. You have never spoken to me, or with me about the present … or the future. It's like I don't exist, except when you deem to acknowledge me for purely selfish reasons. You don't seem to understand what right and wrong is; you always try to justify the wrong; that's scary to me because I want a safe place to rest. I was raised in Hell - I need a Husband who is a safe place. You sold me a safe place when you promised me a good marriage - instead I'm living a nightmare spurred on by a Past you refuse to bury, and a self-righteous temper fed by hellish demons you will not lay to rest. You need to change. You need to start living in real time, with a real person - who happens to be the person standing before you in the moment; your wife. And the stress needs to stop. I do not want reckless people in my life. I do not want dead people, and their ridiculous past behaviors that led to their deaths, ruining my today's anymore. You  need to change … or leave, and go live in Kelso where that shit lives on eternally. Here - in this house, I want to walk in the frequency of Love; a love that lives in today, and looks towards tomorrow."

Then, I went upstairs to lay down for a little bit. Stressful situations drain what little energy I have. The inhalers make me sleepy.

When I woke up I surfed the internet, checked Blog notifications, fooled around on FB, and visited Friends FB Pages. I was happy to see that Emily's Bridal Remembrance Table had a picture of Bob, on it - Haley was able to get it from Merry, so he could be there in spirit:

And when sundown arrived, I caught the moon in frame before picking up my knitting project and listening to a golden oldie song …

The Youngbloods - 'Get Together' 1969 Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-Pxd34Qp5A)

This Shabbat, I took time to reflect on my beginnings, the blessings in my journey, tending to the soil of my own soul.  This is how to remain unshakable; true peace can only be found within.

  

Peace … real peace is not just an absence of conflict - but real peace means wholeness; nothing lacking or broken.

Peace to me, means walking in the frequency of Love.