~Valeria Hargand
6 years ago * Facebook
I, myself did not understand Grief properly … until I went through it myself: no one truly can, until they go through it themselves.
When I first became a Widow, I told everyone I wanted to be left alone for a while. No doubt I hurt people's feelings when I said that, and meant it. But I NEEDED to be alone for a few weeks; I simply could not deal with anyone else at that particular time in my life. The loss of Bob's physical presence in my life was too much for my heart. mind, and soul. I NEEDED solitude. Total solitude - I didn't want my senses overwhelmed. I could not comfort others while I was barely holding myself in check. People who truly know me, KNEW that - those who didn't … didn't; and got their feelings hurt.
In those early weeks, while I walked through the shadows that sometimes obscured my new path in my new life, Safe People and Fellow Grievers came alongside me, to walk with me - the Safe People did not actually say anything to me: they just took my elbows and helped safely guide me through the shadows. I appreciate every one of them! They were SO crucial during those first months of Widowhood. Sometimes they called, said who they were, and just listened to me cry - sometime for quite a long time; they knew that was the only way I could truly heal. They WILL be blessed.
Then there were the Fellow Grievers; the ones who had already walked through the Shadows themselves and knew what I was facing/would be facing; they came alongside me too, and listened. Because I was now walking a path they had already walked, they knew that platitudes, unwanted advice, and Pollyannaism wasn't what I needed from them: they just extended their hand of friendship and let me lead as they walked alongside me. They did offer advice when I asked - but they never crossed that line without my expressed permission to give advice. They encouraged me from the sidelines and cheered for me when I cleared the hurdles: they knew I had to do this on my own … they were very careful to aide me, yet keep a prudent distance - they understood that my baby steps were similar to those of a toddler; hovering and/or stepping in would handicap my progress. So, they just waited for me to ask for their help and/or advice. They knew that if I was asking, I was in the mood to listen. They knew this was the only way I could truly move forward with confidence. They WILL be blessed.
I am thankful for the Safe People & the Fellow Grievers.
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Here are five important people you will meet in your grief journey.
THE HYPER-CRITICAL JUDGE
These people compare and evaluate. You’ll recognize their voice easily. “Be strong. Get over it. Pull yourself together. Move on.”
Hyper-critical judges don’t like tears. They pick you apart, bit by bit. They’re discouraging. They can kill your heart. They’re toxic. Avoid them like the plague.
If you must interact with them (family and co-workers, for example), put on your armor first. Don’t give them access to your heart. Quick to point out your faults, they ignore their own. They deal with your issues as a smokescreen to hide theirs.
When the hyper-critical judge shows up, breathe deeply, protect your heart, and let them pass on by.
THE WELL-MEANING RELATIVE, FRIEND, OR CO-WORKER
These folks want to help but don’t know how. Thinking they need to say something, they stammer out platitudes. “At least they’re not suffering anymore.” At least they’re in a better place.” “At least you had them as long as you did.” “At least…”
Chances are your life is well-populated with these well-meaning people. Keep your expectations low. They can’t understand. They’re trying, but they can’t get to where you are.
When they say unhelpful things, release them quickly. If you can, smile and forgive. Relate to them as you want to, but it’s probably wise not to entrust them with the tender parts of your soul right now.
THE FIXER
These people are convinced they know what you should do. They don’t enter your grief with you, but they’re full of ideas on how to fix it. “You need to get out more.” “This works, so you need to do it.” “Go to a support group.” “You need counseling.”
Fixers tell you what to do and then disappear, only to reappear later with more advice you haven’t asked for. They’ll share their self-styled, fix-it-quick wisdom anywhere – restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores, hospitals, coffee shops, street corners, clothing stores, churches, sporting events, etc. Fixers are everywhere, and they have an answer for everything.
Some fixers have good hearts. Your pain distresses them. They don’t know how to meet you in your grief, so they pull out their magic wand to whisk the pain away. Be merciful and forgiving. There’s some fixer in all of us.
You don’t need fixers at present. If possible, don’t let their darts of advice penetrate too far.
THE SAFE PERSON
Safe people are amazing.
They meet you where you are. They enter your grief and exist with you there, even if it’s only for a few moments. They have no agenda other than supporting you.
They don’t try to fix. They don’t have magic-wand advice. They don’t pretend they didn’t see you in the store. They aren’t terrified by pain and suffering.
Safe people are great listeners. They know that words are overrated. They possess an ability to hear not only your words but your heart. Compassion exudes from them.
How do you find them? Be a safe person yourself. Safe people are magnets for each other.
THE FELLOW GRIEVER
Grief is lonely, but the road of loss is well traveled and densely populated.
Permeated with obstacles, this road winds, curves, climbs, falls, and often doubles-back on itself. Some are quite familiar with this terrain. They have traveled here often and know the emotions, challenges, and frustrations well.
These fellow travelers “get it.” They have allowed grief to cultivate compassion rather than bitterness. Capable of embracing and caring for your heart, they can be treasured companions on this precarious path.
Fellow grievers are around you right now – in support groups, online grief forums, and other venues frequented by those whose worlds have been altered by loss. Already on the grief journey, they can be wonderfully supportive.
PEOPLE WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
People will have a massive impact on you in times of loss.
Avoid hyper-critical judges who will only add to your pain.
Be aware of friends, relatives, or co-workers who mean well but can’t provide the support you need.
Watch out for fixers who won’t take your grief seriously.
Learn to recognize safe people and fellow grievers who can enter your pain and become hope-giving companions.
