Our lives have changed so much since January 7th, 2023 ... New Marriage/New Life: the blending of two into one, gets dicey at times - daily life on the road adds more dicey complications. This is our story of our life in our 5th wheel RV Home. I post about anything & everything, and if what I post can help someone else, I'm glad for the experience. But from sunrise to sunset, we live our Life for US.
October 2nd: Today we were in Coalinga, again. This time, we shopped the Tractor Supply store; we both needed things we felt sure we could find in that particular store.
There was a Fall display at the front entrance … and I promptly placed a potted Chrysanthemum plant in the basket 😊 It's a perennial, so it can be clipped back, hauled from pillar to post along our road gypsy routes - and brought back to full bloom again the next year. I already know where I can stash it between seasons 😉
Inside the store, I saw several things that had me laughing as I passed by them:
I'm sure this will find it's way to our home at some point ;-)
A Christmas armadillo.
Then, over to the Save Mart grocery store to grab some Coca-Cola 8 packs & bread; before hopping across town to get a chicken quesadilla.
While waiting for the order to be processed, I noticed a couple spider webs adorning the curbside bush - these are new; they weren't there yesterday.
Wispy spiderwebs - harbingers of Fall's arrival.
Elohim affirming that love finds a way to show itself through the gathering storm clouds …
George Jones & Tammy Wynette - 'We're Gonna Hold On': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKm1fYtSQo4)
After we finished our quesadillas, we drove an exploratory loop drive …
A buffalo farm, on the outskirts of Coalinga's main community.
A big, fluffy, heart-shaped cloud hovering over the hills of Coalinga's East Oil Fields.
Thick gray clouds, heavy with rain, will be over Independence by the time we arrive back home …
Lush, green lawns at the cemetery; Coalinga-CA
Back home, groceries were put away - the fly swatters & fly strip put up; the Chrysanthemum was kept indoors until I can buy a pot to put it in that will keep it from being blown over, outside:
Fly Swatter & Fly Strip put up.
The Chrysanthemum placed in a kitchen corner, for now.
PTSD is a whole body shake up, which is a result of [a traumatic event]; or it can be the fallout of several traumatic events, piggybacking on one another - like a domino effect. CPTSD (complex post traumatic syndrome disorder) is exactly what it implies: complex. It is complex because the the trauma triggers never end.
There are things, people, lifestyles, and places I specifically avoid: I avoid them so dormant emotions are not pricked & unwanted memories are not triggered; this may not be the way "experts" feel PTSD should be dealt with … but, they are not me, and this is how (((I))) deal with my symptoms. Following Bob's physical death the winter of 2018, I had pretty much set people free to leave my life, to go antagonize some other poor soul by the end of 2019. When 2020 rolled around, I was walking away from situations that no longer served my new life metamorphosis; and driving all over 3 counties and 2 states to distance myself from the acute missingness of Bob's presence. I was making room for new people, new experiences, and new exploratory adventures throughout 2021. By 2022, I was beholden to no one for anything - I was building, and enjoying, a New Life that pretty much laid the triggers to rest. I had no idea that they would be stirred into a wildfire frenzy in 2023, that would set my life ablaze all of 2023, 2024, and the majority of 2025.
My new husband would daily trip triggers that would have us acting like trailer trash throughout the 2 states we visited from the Summer of 2023 til today (though we have not once raised the roof, here, thank the Lord). The constant bickering. The daily verbal fights. The raised voices when insistences got intense. The ridiculous accusations: Holland shouting, loud enough to shake rafter if we had any: "You hate my family! You hate my friends! You hate everyone - no wonder you don't have any friends of your own! You're impossible to live with! I want a divorce; I can't live with you!"Me shouting back, "You're being ridiculous! You don't have [a family] - you have an active battlefield, flooded with social misfits! [Friends] don't misuse you - or mistreat your wife; you don't have friends … you surround yourself with bloodsucking leeches! I do have friends; I'm just not stuck to them like glue, and they don't run my life or disrespect my chosen life partner! You [cant live] with anyone who doesn't kiss your feet, lick you hand, or hail you as the voice of God - no wonder you were a bachelor for 3 decades! And I'm not [impossible] to live with - I was married, pretty successfully, for 44 years - with no daily bitching, or score keeping, about my shortcomings! It has nothing to do with hating anyone or anything, Holland; it has everything to do with self preservation, healing, and living a relatively peaceful Life - something I haven't had since remarrying!" Oh yeah, we were a riot for neighbors 🙄 when the heat was on 😤
I was embarrassed.
I was not behaving like a daughter of The King.
I was so worn down by the constant verbal beatings, that I was always triggered: my defenses were seriously down.
I cried a lot. I cried out of frustration. I cried out of embarrassment. I cried out of loss of self.
The Isaacs - 'He Understands My Tears':
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzaVy4UB5SQ)
I cried until I stopped crying - I stopped crying because I was fed up. Seriously fed up.
I rose up with resolve & determination; I was regaining strength.
I remembered who I was: I had all the power of Heaven behind me, Yeshua beside me, and my Father rooting for me.
Yes, I am embarrassed … but royal heirs do not grovel for recognition - they demand it; not in a cruel manner, but rather in they way they carry themselves; with intent & worth. The way they speak; with quiet affirmation of their position in relation to their title and life going forward.
And so, that is how I decided to work on myself. For myself. To restructure my environment with routines that add calmness, and a sense of safety in this whirlwind of a relationship where Elohim has very deliberately paired me with a man riding a chaotic emotional tornado, directly linked back to the highly & dangerously dysfunctional redmill branch of his family. The Harris branch I have no problem embracing - but I really do not want anything to do with the redmill's: none of them. Ditto for Holland's sketchy [friends].
I'm done fighting about it.
I'm done apologizing for my need to feel appreciated, safe, and wanted.
I'm done trying to explain me to a person who doesn't want to hear, understand, or come alongside for support in regards to a sense of safety and comfort.
I will state here, that Holland does take his protection of my physical safety, very seriously - and he does go out of his way to make sure I am comfortable by means of creature comforts (food, vehicle, abode, clothing, internet connection, craft supplies, ect.). It's in the emotional realm, that he is found lacking. He has all kinds of sympathy … and will talk for hours over the phone, with those in Kelso & Woodland - but he has none to spare for the person he is living with, in the moment.
So, I, have to put me ahead of everyone else.
I have to prioritize my emotional balance, my safety net; reassure, support, and find a workable solution to not allow triggers to dominate my everyday living.
That's what I will be doing for the next 11 months.
I will be looking to Elohim for the deep convo's.
I will be looking to Yeshua for the "friend closer than a brother".
I will be leaning on the Ruach HaKo'desh for wisdom & guidance.
I will be feeding on The Word to nourish my spirit, strengthen my resolve, and heal me in all the areas where healing is needed.
I will be raising The Standard, and setting boundaries to protect my standards:
Her boundaries came from pain.
Every standard she has was earned through betrayal.
Every boundary she set was built from broken trust.
Every requirement she has, came from being disappointed.
Every expectation was created by being let down.
Respect the lessons she learned the hard way.
Honor the wisdom she gained through suffering.
Appreciate the strength she built through struggle.
Value the clarity she achieved through confusion.
Don't punish her for protecting herself.
Don't shame her for knowing what she won't tolerate.
Don't criticize her for demanding what she deserves.
Don't make her feel guilty for having non-negotiables.
High standards protect high value.
Strong boundaries protect precious hearts.
Clear expectations prevent future disappointment.
Firm requirements filter out the wrong people.
She's not asking for too much, she's asking for enough.
.JPG)
