THE NO PET ZONE; Fortuna-AZ

Tuesday morning: Mr. Complication is still fanning the flames of his on-going War of the Wills: every day it's something new to be angry or bitter about.

And it always - without fail - revolves around his family members, and friends, in Kelso-WA

I'm so tired of the endless bickering over people, things, and past experiences that mean nothing to me … and it's not even those people, things, or experiences that are the red flag moments: the primary cause of the endless fighting is the way he treats me after getting off the phone with any of them.

He, on his best days, is fueled with testosterone overload; but after reaching out and touching Kelso over the miles … he morphs into a mean-spirited bully.

Thanksgiving in Quartzsite-AZ, was blessedly peaceful.

The drive here, to Fortuna-AZ, was tolerable. It was tolerable because I had my headphones on, listening to Christmas tunes instead of my husband's sour, grumpy, tunes.

Fortuna-AZ from Quartzsite-AZ; 1 hr 14 min (76.4 mi) via US-95 S

Population Fortuna-AZ = 27,552; Centralia-WA = 18,754; Battle Ground-WA = 22,285; Camas-WA = 27,254; Longview-WA = 37,925

The fight was on again once we reached our destination: who knows why.

There doesn't have to be a specific {why} where bullies are concerned.

As we pulled up to our new "home space", we could see that getting Independence into position to back under the sheltering cover would be dicey without help.

Holland didn't want my help: God forbid he should accept help from a woman - especially a woman he is determined to push away.

So, I zipped my lip and sat the event out.

But I prayed Elohim would send help my stubborn husband's way, because he needed help to guide him in maneuvering Independence. Elohim was faithful … and sent Holland 2 helpers that made things easier than stubbornness would have allowed.

After Independence was backed into place, and I was exiting Betsy, one of the men asked, "Why didn't you help him?" I replied, "He didn't want my help." I didn't offer any further explanation: these people are strangers, and it's really none of their business. Let them draw any conclusions they want.

I just wanted to set the house in order, and try to find some relaxation, in a tense environment.

This is a very nice, upscale community: Independence's walls are very thin - I do not want to engage in verbal warfare here.

We are set up in Fortuna-AZ; I like this neighborhood's aura ;-)

The Sound of Silence.

Brooks & Dunn - The Long Goodbye Lyrics:  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvPK9kEnjjM)

We had left Quartzsite a little after 10 AM, and was set up in Fortuna sometime around 1'noon - and Holland shut himself up in the bunk room shortly thereafter, and did not show his face again until morning.

I was okay with that.

I've reached my limit with my husband's bad attitude - and I do not mean "bad" in a flirty way; his pouty attitude sucks, and I'm not going to baby him when he's being a dog. He can stay in his dog house permanently, if that's what he wants - I'm done coaxing him out, only to be treated to more hand biting sulkiness.

Gary Allen - Tough All Over: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rw7w84_fzzQ)

After things were put back in place inside Independence, I spent the rest of the day drinking flavored coffee, listening to vintage Christmas songs; and working on December kitchen towels I design with nothing more than a visionary concept I weave my yarn around; I used to sell my designs (I designed specialty items: a lot more than kitchen towels ;-)) around the globe, for top dollar … but now, I just make personal use items - and NICU ward preemie items.

The night passed creatively, cozily, and peacefully.

It is good to be blessed with divine love that never falters, or fails.

MOD Christmas Ombre Kitchen Towel Set; knitted.

Wednesday morning: Before we had left Quartzsite, Holland knew I'd planned to drive to Goodyear-AZ, to the WinCo store there, to shop for things that are not carried in other stores: he said he'd drive me (1) worry about me getting there and back safely would spike his blood pressure dangerously high; Mr. Complication is a complicated mixed bag (2) the route was a route he'd never traveled before - he was curious (3) he was being himself = no one can do anything as well as he can (I'm sure I've mentioned that he is testosterone driven …).

I agreed "as long as there's no fighting, Holland; it's a 2 hour drive each way, I  don't want to spend all that time on the road fighting a stress-related-migraine headache."

Had to make a shopping trip, and Goodyear-AZ, was the closest place; so I dipped into my war paint cache ;-) 1st glittery 'Hard Candy' color was used for my browline, & the 5th glittery 'Hard Candy' eyeshadow color, covered the lid; sparkly purple Covergirl 'Dazed' eyeshadow was used for eyelid accent & liners (upper & lower).'Auburn' Brow Gel, 'Glam Brown' Mascara, 'Neutre Enflamme' Crème Blush, 'Rose Quartz' Lipgloss; & 'White Diamonds' perfume.

Face in place.

WinCo in Goodyear-AZ from Fortuna-AZ; 2 hr 20 min (152.6 mi) via I-8 E

On our way to WinCo, in Goodyear-AZ; it's gonna be a long drive.

We passed through a little town called Gila Bend. There isn't much to Gila Bend-AZ … but I like it: it is pretty much retro 1950's. Some older motels are being torn down, but the Space Age Lodge is still busy. Petey's Tire Shop is still hopping with customers even though it looks like it needs a complete overhaul, but that would ruin the 50's vibe ;-)

The Space Age Lodge looks like it would be a fun place to spend the night :-D

Gila Bend-AZ from Fortuna-AZ; 1 hr 27 min (103.2 mi) via I-8 E = NEITHER of us have been on this road, before.

Western Space Age Lodge, Gila Bend-AZ:  (https://www.bestwestern.com/en_US/book/hotels-in-gila-bend/best-western-space-age-lodge/propertyCode.03004.html)

I am a dinosaur freak, so my eyes lit up when I spotted these metal monsters :-D

Pilot Travel Center; #1244 E Pima St, Gila Bend, AZ

Wind-whipped dustups make the morning landscape appear foggy …

Goodyear has a 2024 population of 116,460; Phoenix-AZ population count for 2024 stands at around 1,662,607 within the city itself … while the larger metropolitan area is home to around 4,777,000 people; Buckeye-AZ is a city located in Maricopa County Arizona - Buckeye has a 2024 population of 113,958.

Yuma-AZ (which I am 100% comfortable in) population is estimated to be 414,323 according to the recent 2024 census.

All of these places are waaaay larger in population that what I am used to: Longview-WA is a city located in Cowlitz County Washington State, and has a 2024 population count of 37,943 = 3 times smaller than Goodyear, or Buckeye. I grew up in the small rural community of Skamokawa-WA, which loosely held about 200 souls (on a good year), & I came of age and married in a small river hamlet on the mighty Columbia River - Cathlamet-WA, which even with it's speedy growth and population explosion, is today, only 605 in population count.

Longview-WA seemed very large to me, and I was never comfortable living there: I always wanted to go back to the smaller rural places, which weren't so hemmed in by close neighbors on every side.

These cities Holland is introducing me to in AZ do have a {small town vibe} - but they are seriously HUGE to my way of thinking. And what is even scarier, is that I am quickly becoming comfortable in city environments ;-)

WinCo, in Goodyear-AZ, is smack-dab in the 'middle of nowhere' … between Phoenix and Buckeye.

The wide open spaces of AZ appeal to me ;-)

Headed back home - I'll check out the local stores, there.

2 hours of this kind of driving, drives Holland crazy; but I like it ;-)

The day went well.

Shopping went well.

The Peace Train ride through desert terrain was enjoyable: for about an hour.

It was a beautiful day – the sky was robin-egg-blue: not a cloud in the sky … the black cloud was sitting in Betsy's driver's seat :-(

The Peace Train went off the rails about 20 minutes from home base.

I guess Holland figured being so close to Independence, and his bunk room isolation, he could strike an accusatory family & friends match … and whip up a verbal firestorm :-(

I shot him an 'I don't believe you are doing this!' smoking eye; and stopped his arguments with the ear plugs I keep handy.

He just cannot stand us actually having a good time, together. He's got to muck it up by interjecting unpleasantness.

And I'm reaching the 'I don't care anymore' stage of things.

His arguments are ridiculous - and centered around ridiculous people, living ridiculous lives, based on a ridiculous mindset that hails from the Middle Paleolithic era.

I can't believe I, a thoroughly modern woman (who read Cosmopolitan magazine as much as I read my Bible - and I still read my Bible daily), am married to a chest-thumping Neanderthal.

I don't argue with Almighty God - but I am peppering Him recently with a lot of (((WHY))) questions in regards to His pairing of me with this toxic testosterone driven man!

Betsy emptied, and stuff stashed in Independence; he sequestered himself behind his closed door - and I busied myself with making Supper and cleaning up afterwards; more knitting activity, and more cherry Christmas tunes.

Another night passed creatively, cozily, and peacefully.

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8GSnIkxPM)

The Home stretch; we came over those mountains in the background, from our Goodyear-AZ shopping Daytrip.

Kicking back and enjoying a Gary Allen Christmas Album ;-)

Gary Allan - Please Come Home For Christmas Lyric Video:  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veZhFtAWqdo)

MOD Blue & Gray Kitchen Towel Set; knitted; & MOD Holiday Stripe Kitchen Towel Set; knitted.

Thursday afternoon: We thought we had spotted a Safeway store as we passed through Fortuna a few days ago … so we went looking for it … and ended up in Yuma, 17 minutes away.

 

No Safeway there, either.

But there were plenty of Albertson's stores.

And plenty of bickering on the way home.

Most of the bickering centered around Holland's questionable {friends}, shady family members, and cultic religious upbringing: all, which he holds close to his heart with a death grip. When he finally ran out of argumentative steam, I shook my head, and said, "So, you are willing to let me go to keep all that babysitting craziness? Can you seriously claim "saved by grace" to continue snubbing your nose at me; and at God - ignore God's Marital Plan of "a man shall leave his mother & father … or in your case, siblings, since your parents are both dead … and cleave (to glue oneself to; to hold fast to; to put her first and foremost above all others) only onto her, so long as you both shall live", and play fast and loose with God's gifts, because you know better than God? Maybe I was put in your Life to point you to true salvation - maybe you can be the one to break free of your family curse: believe me, I am asking God all the time too, "why this person???" - but I don't argue with Elohim: I just do as he directs me to do. You can't break me Holland, and I'm not going to allow you to humiliate me. Elohim is the One who brought us together, so I put up with all your bullshit because He has a Plan for my Life that fits His purpose. I don't argue with Elohim. Do you really think you will be able to stand before God with a clear conscience on Judgement Day - and not have to answer for the shabby way you are treating me, your wife - the person you claim "God gave you a promised vision of, 35 years ago"; the wife you were "happy to finally get" until you realized a wife meant the end to bachelorhood activities? Foolish man. I am glad I am not you."

Then I slipped a CD into the player and tuned his arguing voice out.

I am tired of hearing about his highly dysfunctional family - living or dead.

And I'm sick of stating my legit case against weaselly cal.

I'm weary of his weak justifications of sneaky actions, and disrespectful behaviors.

I'm living on limited time: I don't have time for nonsense. I'm not making any more time for redmill nonsense.

I deserve better.

I will have better.

Back home; he sulked behind his closed door, and I began more knitting activity while enjoying soothing vintage Christmas music.

A quiet night passed in peaceful creativity.

MOD Christmas Palette Kitchen Towel Set; knitted.

Friday morning: Holland woke up disagreeable.

He didn't like hearing hard truths yesterday; they plagued him through the night.

He deliberately picked a fight before our coffee's had a chance to get drank, ending his complaining with, "this marriage has been over for a long time".

Same tune - different day.

But I am reacting differently: I'm not reacting as expected, anymore.

I'm not losing sleep over it.

My stomach isn't tied up in knots.

I'm not crying from hurt.

I'm getting on with Life.

I'm focusing on MY life: with, or without him, I'm on my own … so, I gotta own what happens with my life.

Independence is my home: I'm making it cozily homey.

EVERY SPACE OUTSIDE THE BUNK ROOM IS NOW A NO PET ZONE.

When Holland asked what that meant, I replied, "You said the marriage has been over for you, for a long time. You keep shouting at me that you are not my pet - whatever the hell that means - and then you talk about getting another dog. Have you lost your mind? We had a dog, and I loved Bleu; Lana has Bleu now, because you got tired of him, and Lana is your favorite girl … you had to have me, too: until you got me - now, you want to pawn me off, too. Take that power play up with God; I'll just sit back and watch Him torpedo your self-centered ass. Here's a news flash for you … Independence is my home. Independence is your home; at least the bunk room is your space. We aren't getting another dog - you are a dog, a bully redmill dog, and that is dog enough; redmill's are vicious dogs - uncontrollable, and only loved by those who consider mean-spirited animals 'lovable pets'. I told you from the get-go that I did not want a dog; I'd had several, and didn't want to be responsible for another at this stage in my life … but you insisted we get a dog if we were going to be living on the road. So, we got a dog - but Bleu was not the dog you wanted; he was not a killer dog, so you hated him because he was a loving dog & I loved him. And eventually, you got rid of him. But, you drove to Kelso every week, to drink coffee with Lana, and to tease Bleu with stroking, and tender words - the very things you withheld from him when he was ours. You are attempting to do to me what you did to Bleu, and it irritates the Hell out of you that I won't lick your hand after debasement. It angers you that I don't cower or cringe when you shout at me that you're leaving because marriage makes you feel stifled, and you feel like a domesticated pet. You are peeved that I'm not grabbing you leg begging you not to leave. I've learned, over these tortured months, to be indifferent to your moods, and to your place in my life; you've taught me well how to react to your whims. You promised me when we left Washington, that you were wanting to make this marriage work … now you tell me that it's been over for a long time; and your snapping at me like a chained junkyard dog because you're missing freedom to run with the wild dogs. Stay holed up in the bunk room, where you can make secret phone calls to people you will never introduce me to (thank the Lord!); watch whatever questionable YouTube video or movie, that catches your fancy; listen to all the prepper and gun crazed YouTube morons that pique your interest; crank AC/DC up until your ears bleed for all I care; and pour your heart and soul out to Kelso contacts who {understand} your narcissistic angst … but all this area, outside the bunk room, is now a "No Pet Zone": there will be no popping in and out for belly rubbings, and empty tender words - no more bully tactics followed by honeyed words of love, geared towards careful studious manipulations to get your own way. There's no need; you got your heart's desire Holland - you are alone, and on your own. And I'm finding that I enjoy the peace of your silence and closed door absence. Enjoy yourself to the max."

I'm getting on with Life.

My life.

I dedicated my home to The Lord (something Holland never got around to doing); and I hung my Mezuzah.

I hung some Christmas garlands, a newly designed crocheted & beaded Christmas Cactus; and watched a Mimi Rogers Christmas movie, while knitting up another Christmas kitchen towel set … before settling into bed later on, with a new good read.

Found in a bin = happy to see these things I have been thinking on; I had started a Mini Santa Gift Sack Chain 7 years ago, but never got to use it; I plan to complete it this year, and get it hung. I placed my Mezuzah by the front door …

I designed, and worked up, a new crochet Christmas Cactus design.

MOD Festive Striped Kitchen Towel Set; knitted.

Saturday: Today was laundry day.

Today was also light-stringing, and festive door mat laying, day ;-)

Christmas décor is low-key, and that’s okay.

Festive scented candle; I love the clean smell of alpine forests ;-)

Mr. No Christmas came out of his room long enough to say he likes the lights … and the door stayed open.

Patty Loveless - I'm That Kind Of Girl: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFvH6rb-yJo)

Mr. Complication doesn't like the {no pet zone} restrictions, but that's the price for a no-commitment mindset: he's making self-serving rules, and I am insisting on high value boundaries.

He came out of the bunk room earlier to get a cup of coffee, and tried to make light of his hurtful remarks, but I wasn't having any of it. I reminded him that just yesterday, he said that for him, "the marriage has been over for a long time" … so, he doesn't get to just breeze from one room to another and tell me he still loves me … after telling me point blank a few minutes ago, that he intends to flat-out lie to me, "to avoid arguments": NO! People don't deliberately hurt the person they claim to love. A person does not deliberately belittle the person they claim to love. A person does not place the person they claim to love at the bottom of their social totem pole.

NO!

I told him that since he considers our "marriage long time over"; and since he thinks a husband who cares for his wife's emotional security - and makes her trust a priority, is "a domesticated pet!"; and since he thinks deceiving me, instead of being an upright husband … will "keep the peace" … I consider him untrustworthy: and that is a bad place for him to be in, in regards to me. I have told him repeatedly that trust is a major  issue with me - it's seriously a make it or break it issue with any relationship I have, with anyone. How can I trust my heart to a man who plans to abuse it, treats it so shabbily - and doesn't see the wrong in that?

NO!

He does not get to disrespect me.

An open door normally would gladden my heart - now, it just makes me suspicious.

It's been quite a week.

I don't know what will happen going forward, but right now I don't trust anything my husband says, or does, because though this is a new Day (as tomorrow will also be) it's the same pattern, cut from the Redmill cloth, designed to manipulate, humiliate, and breakingly dispirit.

I'm not interested in hurtful mind games.

I've already gone those rounds with my kids, before the long goodbyes became permanent closures. I don't miss the fighting. I don't miss the disrespect. I don't miss the hate aimed at me. I don't miss the mocking. I don't miss the migraine headaches. I don't miss the nauseous stomachaches. I don't miss the aching loneliness.

And I won't accept any of that from my husband, either.

I'm worth more than that.

My heart deserves more than that.

Elohim will grace me with more than that: this union is His Plan, after all - and I am His daughter, in whom He blesses bountifully with great delight. He will not let my heart be sorrowful, forever. Eventually, joy comes in the morning, and His Will triumphs.