SIGNING OFF FOR A WHILE; Coalinga-CA

Update: *September 23, 2025~RECENTERING; Coalinga-CA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/recentering-coalinga-ca.html)

LIMITATIONS; Coalinga-CA

I'm taking 1 day at a time, doing what I can with the new limitations (wildfire smoke, dustups, a move back to the PNW): and giving the rest to Elohei – trusting in His care and resting in His perfect peace that passes all human understanding; waiting on tenterhooks for Elohei to work everything concerning us out. I gotta tell you … patience is not a strong point for me: waiting is very hard right now.

And, I'm doing my best to rein my temper in. I do not want to go back up north, and I really feel that Holland's lungs would do much better if he'd lay off the chew and family visitations; but he refuses to do either, claiming he is "not a pet that backs down to your demands."

#1 - I don't want a pet; of any caliber: and I won't be someone's bitch, either. I don't mistreat … and I won't be mistreated.

#2 - I am not demanding. I am requesting limitations to ease his life, and make our life together less chancy. I do not want to be a widow again.

His lungs have gotten a lot worse since he started chewing - and now he's using his nebulizer machine every night. He's just got to have some kind of vice in his life; he's not happy unless he's pickled in misery of some sort.

He went from Vicodin to smokeless chew … and refuses to acknowledge that the chew is just as addictive as the Vicodin: and just as dangerous for his health.

{{Cough (his coughing is pretty severe, now), sputum (he's been doing a lot of this for at last 2 years), shortness of breath (really having trouble talking, now, without running out of breath), dysphagia (not an issue right now - if anything, he has gained a significant amount of weight), snoring (not too bad; men snore), and apnea-hypopnea (I haven't noticed anything like this) were found to be significantly increased in smokeless tobacco users}}

#2 - I have given in to a lot of my husband's demands since we began this life journey together … and because his lungs have gotten so much worse due to his stubborn, taunting dance, with the Grim Reaper (the redmill curse) - I'll be giving up more; and that's okay. That's what spouses are supposed to do to support and ease one another's life. I'm still waiting for Holland to get that message. I'm not sure he ever will.

Things that make my husband's lungs hurt and breathing very difficult:

dusty places = the primary reason we're heading back north, the end of this month: and future traveling will probably be just be his drives to Kelso-WA. Alone. I don't like dancing with the Grim Reaper - I've already done that, and found him to be a dedicated soul collector.

fumes, such as car exhausts.

smoke = another sticky subject; Holland's SIL, and only living sibling, Mark, both smoke like chimneys … and when we are in the PNW, he is constantly in Kelso-WA, sitting in Lana's kitchen & Mark's livingroom breathing in the toxic cigarette (Lana) & lung-searing-pot fumes (Mark); and picking fights with me when he gets back home because his lungs hurt and he's got a raging headache.

air freshener sprays or plug-ins = I'm very careful with bathroom air fresheners (getting the mildest & using the concentrated gelled ones when they are available); plug-ins are ignored when we go down that store aisle.

strong-smelling cleaning products (unless there's plenty of ventilation); again, I'm very careful.

hairspray = I haven't styled my hair in months - and that's okay; a road gypsy lifestyle is not a fancy lifestyle.

perfume = I can let this fall by the wayside; most of my life I haven't been able to be around perfumes, after shave, or pungent under-arm-deodorants. About 5 years ago I realized my body chemistry had changed and I could enjoy some perfumes - but letting that go would not really be a hard sacrifice.

All the things listed above should be avoided with my asthmatic lungs also. I've got to clean house, but I clean with ventilation, and I'm careful about the pungency of the cleaners. Sweeping can get dicey because it stirs up dust; vacuuming really isn't a good alternative, because it uses very strong smelling aerosol cleaners. I'm as careful as I can be with our lungs situation: Holland just flat-out flirts with death - and I'm not liking that dance card my husband insists be booked with Mr. Grim's presence.

The other morning when I woke up to his strenuous coughing that scared me awake, I felt sorry for him and was agreeable to head back up north. But this mornings temper tantrum had me pulling back my sympathy and engaging the angry wife mode.

I'm at my wit's ends with my husband's stubborn egomania.

So, I'm going to be focusing the majority of my attention on self-care. I don't flirt with death. And suicide lifestyles do not excite me. I'm actually pretty angry with my husband right now; so I'm limiting conversations with him; I'm limiting time spent with him. I'm tired of the never-ending fights, that shouldn't escalate into fights to start with.

I need space.

Lots of it.

That's how I'll be living, when we get back to the PNW. Holland refuses to grow up and behave like an adult. He refuses to see life beyond his own nose. He doesn't understand that there is give and take in Life … life does not revolve around his wants, desires, or demands. He feels constrained by "the chains of marriage"; and he's diligently working at making me a widow again. I'm not okay with any of this. And all of this is due to Holland's limiting selfish actions & behaviors.

I'm not happy.

I need space.

Lots of it.

Part of that self-care includes taking care of the body Yeshua designed, created, and housed my spirit in. Today, I did a little [soft cardio]:

Exercise heart rate: this is the only way from now on that I will allow my heart beats to pick up speed.

Today's Calorie Calculations, Exercise Minutes, Standing Minutes + 4,601 steps = approximately 2.004 miles

On top of everything else, I heard a sharp pop when I opened my laptop - and saw that the screen is pulling away from the fold-down-keyboard cover. I did what I could to minimize the damages, but having gone through this before, I know the whole thing will need to be replaced, at some point; but for now it's working okay and there doesn't seem to be any  concerning limitations:

Last night, I started a new kitchen towel design to get my thoughts going in a different direction … and tonight I finished the set. It's not fancy, but working it up served a purpose, and it's use will also serve a purpose.

MOD Kitchen Towel Set finished.

MOD FALL VANDYKE ST KITCHEN TOWEL SET; Coalinga-CA:  (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/mod-fall-vandyke-st-kitchen-towel-set.html)