"TRUST ME"

November 11th: I woke up this morning and Holland asked me if I'd like to go see the Colorado River - then see the mountains. Of course I do; and he knows it. The only real decision was, did I want to be in the truck with him for an extended period of time … where there would be no escape if his amicable mood took a sudden sour turn.

He was letting me know he's trying.

But would it be a serious try - or a primrose path try? I'm tired of tripping down the root-strewn primrose path.

Trust has been broken.

I decided to risk it. If he's seriously trying, I don't want to be a bitch about it. On the other hand - I'm not ready to throw caution to the wind either, and jump back into a head-spinning-yo/yo'ing situation.

Same nail polish … different clothes, different costume jewelry.

Holland is trying today … he misses me; but does he miss me enough to stop the nonsense?

JANIS JOPLIN - 'TRUST ME' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9PYRML20hM)

The Redmill men live under a generational curse of leaving their women, and re-entering the marriage again whenever they feel like it; I'm not okay with that kind of twisted relationship … is Holland strong enough to break away from it, and be a 100% husband to me?

Driving along, he said, "You have a Heart CD, right? How about you slip that in the player?" I did - and wouldn't you know it - every single song was a sizzling love long. Holland tried to hold my hand over the console, but I'm not ready to get close yet. I said, "I'm not ready for this yet, Holland. You're sending mixed messages every 2 weeks, so until you really want to be in my life on a daily basis instead of in-and-out when you feel like it, let's leave things where they are for a while and see where it goes. Let Yeshua heal you, so you can give me all of you without any reservations."

It's gonna take time to rebuild trust; broken trust isn't repaired overnight.

I got busy looking out the passenger window. There is a lot of pain to work through before I'm ready to hold hands and hear whispered sweet nothings again.

This looks interesting - I like cooking ethnic meals; I like carribbean foods.

The Old Town Yuma Prison from after Civil War days … on my Bucket List ;-)

An old miner shaker 'deck'; used now to separate field rocks.

Bleu loves his roadtrips as much as I do ;-)

About an hour into the drive, I saw that we were in Bard … and knew we were in CA. I said, "This is the same road I was on yesterday afternoon … there's the Nazarene Church I passed on my way to the freeway, up ahead." Holland said, "What are the odds of being in the same place twice, in two days' time?" I couldn't resist … and said, "Maybe Elohim is telling you to pay attention and stick with your wife; I did ask you to join me on yesterday's drive, remember? Now, you're here with me today; you can't outrun God's Plan for your life."

We laughed - but Holland was thinking on what I said ;-)

Back in CA! GPS has a fascination with the one State Holland can't tolerate.

God's Plans won't be stopped.

Holland told me God gave him a vision of me as his wife … 35 years ago (he pursued me based on that vision); if that's true, then he's fighting against Elohim - not me.

GPS took us the loooong way to get to the Colorado River: through Yuma, into CA, and back to Somerton, near the mexican border … and back home, near the Yuma International Airport! And we never even got to see the river; but for a few minutes, we did talk to a Border Patrol fella as we drove along the dusty canal road, admiring President Trump's Border Wall.

Holland did try today to give me a 'close up view': apparently Elohim doesn't think I need to see the river - up close.

We never got to the mountains because trickster GPS took us far afield, which ate up time.

But we did spend time together. And we did talk without fighting. Laughter came easy, and the hours passed pleasantly ;-)

From Yuma #95 to CA freeway … looping us BACK to Yuma #95.

GPS's crazy train route.

Canal in Somerton-AZ; seeing a white heron symbolizes spiritual stillness, abundance, opportunities, and harmony. We can certainly use all of that in our lives, at the moment.

Everywhere we tried to get a glimpse of the river was filled with snafu's.

We need more of President Trump's Wall to get built.

We are directly across from the Colorado River, on the other side of The Wall.

Most of Yuma-AZ is farmland - miles into the horizons.

3-1/2 hours after we left home, we finally got to the Gonzales Fruit & Produce Stand up the road, about 20 minutes. We bought fruits to juice; and fresh vegetables for meals.

Holland made a tasty pork & vegetable stir-fry for Supper - it was delish!

Some of what we bought at the fruit & produce stand; these things were used in tonight's impromptu Supper.

The pork and veg's were ground, then stir-fried and served atop a baked yam. SO good!

He went out of his way, all day long, to give me a peaceful Shabbat Rest (and he really has serious issues with Shabbat observance).

He is trying.

But its gonna take a lot of love to repair the damage done.

Collin Raye - 'Not That Different' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itg-_jpaQU0)

Nicolette Larson - 'Lotta Love': 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpFfjWdhROU)

CROSSING LINES; Imperial Dam Road~Yuma-AZ

November 10th: I've had an Adventurous afternoon, and then came home to do 7 loads of laundry.

I'm tired tonight, but I can still get a condensed Post, posted :-)

This morning's temperature; it was cold when I woke up! I got spoiled waking up to 70- & 80-degree mornings ;-)

I'm done with the verbal warfare - I choose not to engage in angry exchange, anymore.

The ball is in his court … he can cross the line to play to win, or he can punt to stall.

Last evening I was so battle worn, I crossed a line and decided to enlist help for the duration …

This morning, I painted my nails to match my clothing, while the propane tanks were being filled; I haven't been able to do this in a while.

I almost laughed out loud when I read the labels, because I'm pretty sure Holland is in agreement ;-)

Hoping to see the Colorado River, today.

Imperial Dam, Yuma-AZ from Del Pueblo, Yuma-AZ; 44 min (32.5 mi) via US-95 N

Imperial Dam~Yuma, AZ: https://www.iid.com/water/water-transportation-system/colorado-river-facilities/imperial-dam

Pep Talk to myself before leaving the house.

I'm still dealing with taming my own stressors - I don't need more heaped on.

I'm still dealing with the complex post-traumatic stresses of widowhood and the fallout from that: I know I'm not crazy. But when my brain freezes in stressful situations, and I'm made to feel stupid, clumsy, insignificant … the brain freeze causes a deer-in-the-headlights reaction, and I tend to act clueless, frustrated - and sometimes justifiably angry. None of that means me "crazy"; and hearing it said over and over and over again by a narcissistic person putting me in that situation, is driving me out of the house … I don't want to get sucked into Holland's spiritual vortex.

You never really know someone until you share 24/7 with them; living with someone in close quarters is a lot different than dating them and going to separate living quarters :-(

Holland is fighting his own brain freezes too - of a different nature of course, but just as debilitating; he won't allow me to get close enough to help him shake loose … and he won't give his miseries up to allow Elohim take them away and give him peace. His brain freezes have been with him so long that they are, in a twisted way, comfortable to him; and he indulges them with frequent phone calls and texts that encourage the the black mood toying: none of the people he calls and receives calls from, are peaceful people … and the ensuing conversations add more toxic waste into an already bubbling complex situation.

I don't like it: I don't like the fallouts aimed in my direction.

I don't want bitterness to find a home in my heart: I refuse to cross that line.

So, I crossed a line and started to do a little indulging myself, with Daytrips. I first started Solo Lobo Daytripping after Bob's physical death, because home was a painful place to be without my husband in it: I am Solo Lobo Daytripping again … because lately home is a painful place to be with my husband in it.

Ironic, isn't it?

The daytrips relax me, and free my emotions and spirit from the constraints at home. It's liberating to be out from under Holland's self-imposed black cloud. It's liberating to know that I have friends helping me shoulder the burden of heavy-duty spiritual warfare. These Daytrips lighten my mood and give me peace as I enjoy Yeshua's creation - and the knowledge that all of this misery will eventually end: when Elohim is in control, situations get changed for the better.

That's a good feeling: and I'm holding my Sabbath Rest tight, this afternoon.

Our lives are so different, and that's more complication to an already complicated situation.

I'm hanging on because I believe this discord mess is redeemable.

This song's meaning perfectly fit our Life at the moment - the 'stranger' in this song is the Past that needs to be broken with, to gain healing; I've crossed that line, and let mine go - Holland still has not, and it's causing us lot of chaos in both our lives.

Deep Purple Perfect Strangers Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMly6D0nrgA)

The roadway was rough - the desert  wasn't as barren as expected.

Bleu has learned how to get the backseat window open - this was obvious when I pulled over to let him relieve himself!

The Colorado River was a beautiful turquoise color when the sunshine hit it just right.

Bucket List checked … time to get my unruly teenager home ;-)

GPS rerouted me to a shorter back road home …

A lightning-caused fire April 4'21 that burned 2,100+ acres along the Gila River.

Still don't know the Name of this thing (later research didn't enlighten me); Imperial Dam Road~CA

Bleu really is a good boy … he is 15-year now, and is growing up fast ;-)

GPS had me zig-zagging through rural orchards and farmlands; I was blithely enjoying my sunny day traveling over State Route #24, enjoying the scenery with windows wide open … and had no idea that I was in CA!

I had crossed an invisible boundary line over into CA at some point - I was glad when I saw the Yuma Casino sign …

What a Daytrip! I crossed State Lines twice.

Thank The Lord He always assigns my Guardian Angel to stick to me like glue when I leave the driveway ;-)

It was a good day to have a good time - and I kept my cool on the freeway, too.

Holland was in a conciliatory mood when I walked through the front door.

And I received good news :-)

And I got good news from my eldest granddaughter. YAY!

The received attitude … and good news text … is encouraging to my battle-weary spirit :-)