REFINING SEASON~Woodland-WA

I know a lot of you are wondering why Holland & I stay together … you're not alone: we wonder the same thing most of the time.

Here's the thing - we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that Elohim brought us together; there was no other way it could have happened.

But here's the kicker: it's hard to maintain a relationship with an addict … and Holland is an adrenaline addict - he needs the hype of constant family drama, the swells & crashes of Vicodin and alcohol, the challenge of fights, and the bullshit chest-thumping macho-man behavior. I don't need, or want, any of that in my life (or our life, together).

It's equally hard for an adrenaline addict to maintain a relationship with a 100% sold-out-Jesus Freak who just wants to live a peaceful laid-back Life without all the addiction hype. Hail Mary passes don't cut the mustard with sold-out.

When two totally opposite worlds collide, there is loudness. There is damage. There is a "what the hell just happened" fallout that is hard to recover from.

I know Holland reads my Page when we aren't talking because he makes comments that tell me that he had been reading my Page 😉

Most of what I post is so my Prayer Warrior compadres know what to pray about so the prayers are specifically pro-active. Most of what I post is also what I want my husband to understand when he turns his ears off and turns his unruly mouth on.

Love is hard; the first seven years of my marriage to Bob were extremely difficult … primarily for the very same reasons as this marriage; but after Bob got saved and turned his life around, the majority of the remaining years before his death were good and solid. I believe this marriage will be good and solid too, once the kinks are worked out.

Complicated love with Mr. Complication is a whole new challenge. And I am slowly beginning to understand that Elohim will very deliberately drop into our lives what we have so carefully and determinedly avoided all of our lives. I have studiously avoided addicts of every shape and form - but NOW Elohim is forcing me to deal with the avoidances. It's not easy, and we both lose our tempers and want to chuck the whole kit and caboodle when the heat is on; but there are also tender times … and THAT is what the seeds of love will take root in, and thrive with.

I don't know how to lie about, or cover up hurtful times, so I truthfully state that my heart is staggering under the constant rain of continual bullshit (the fights always center around his jim jones cult-like family members, & his need to play Jesus in their lives instead of leaving them to seriously find the REAL Jesus and REAL salvation; & his equally shady {friends}) … at this point we aren't even kind or gentle towards each other (my mouth can get unruly, too - the hurt cuts both ways when a fight erupts); BUT, on an up note, yesterday I pulled myself away from the verbal battling and spent the majority of yesterday sitting in Betsy where I finished reading one of my estate sale novels -and started reading another, before I decided to walk half a mile to the Safeway store up the street to grab some crispy fried chicken for my solo lobo supper: I was happy to notice that my left ankle was strong without any numbness felt, & my left leg swung easily without feeling heavy: THANK YU'ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS - this latest piriformis muscle snafu is healing 😁

A page turner; it kept interest til the last  page :-)

I'll finish this book today - but I am not cheating by reading the last page beforehand ;-)

On my way back from my Safeway walk, I heard a familiar horn honk as I passed by; and looked up to see that Holland had come to fetch me home. For all his angry talk of divorce in the grip of Vicodin & alcohol withdrawals, he is not willing to let this love go by.

This was an era when marriages were arranged by parents, and the people getting married were kinda forced into the situation; often love did not take root until deep into an {ify} union. The advice seems pertinent in this marriage also, that was arranged by Elohim (our Father) … and is going through a real rough patch at the moment. Holland and I weren't forced - but our marriage definitely WAS "arranged" ;-)

And that's a start to love seeds thriving after a colliding world's impact ❤️

Elle King - 'Love Go By' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESpGyBvX63k)

My relationship with Mr. Complication has always been been complicated, but I know that whatever happens in my Life was planned by Elohim; so I am not overly concerned about the outcome - I know it will be solid gold once the dross is taken care of 😉

GREEN MOUNTAIN DRIVE~Woodland-WA

The Insurance fella called this morning to get info from Holland so the repair claim can get filed … our rent here will be up this weekend, so after Holland shut his phone down, we drove to Kalama to check new digs out, there (we are going to 'stick'): repair work on Independence will take several weeks to complete once it gets underway.

We went-we saw-Kalama is not a {done deal}; and wanting to avoid the backed up traffic on I-5, Holland opted to drive back to Woodland on the backroad … so, up and over Green Mountain Road we went :-)

We saw this cool antique truck, as we were leaving Woodland.

Seriously backed up traffic from Kalama to Woodland e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y (pictures taken last week): road construction on the Woodland overpass makes freeway traffic a hair-pulling event.

I like the Green Mountain country drive. I've been missing it. I didn't take any pictures this trip, but I sure did enjoy the drive ;-)

Green Mountain Road-WA from Kalama-WA; 12 min (6.3 mi) via Cloverdale Rd

Woodland-WA from Green Mountain Road-WA; 11 min (4.9 mi) via Green Mountain Rd

I like the movie, 'The Notebook', and I watched it last night: this morning I mentioned to Holland about this part of the movie (clip below), and he laughed and said, "Yeah, that's us alright … we fight." We are working things out in our personal life - the withdrawals are hard, but Holland is bending and working hard at repair on our marriage to keep US.

I understand why Holland has done and said the things said and done; addictions cause otherwise good people to engage in bad decisions. But Elohim is on our side, and we know we will make it to the other side of this storm.

'The Notebook' Fight Scene: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNzimdBJF1s)

HEARTBREAK IS A REAL KILLER~Ocean Park-WA

Last year I actually experienced this experience twice … once this year; the chest pain always followed stressful interactions with Holland.

All three times I felt like I was having actual heart attacks (I am of "that age" where heart attacks will strike), or severe angina attacks (which I suffer frequently).

All three times, I said "the stress has to end because my heart can't take the elevated emotional pressure of this constant fighting with you." Baby  aspirin is a band-aid "fix" - and it does absolutely nothing to eliminate the stressful situations fighting drags into my life.

Asia The Science Of Heartbreak: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGglw8eAikY)

The only other stressor that ever put pressure on my poor heart was Bob's final death in December of 2018; since making a conscious decision to eliminate ALL stressors in our life following Bob's death and resurrection in 1981 (Drs. didn't know what had caused his death, or why he suddenly came back to life after being coded and loaded up for a ride to the morgue, & I didn't want to chance another hair-raising incident) - I deliberately culled people, situations, or circumstances that would bring or harbor stress in our life. Peace and a tranquil home life was paramount; people and things were secondary if they caused more harm then benefit.

I know there is a medically acknowledged experience appropriately named Heartbreak Syndrome (I researched it when one of the widows in a Widow Group brought it up): IT IS AS REAL and AS POTENT as A HEART ATTACK, because it IS an attack on the heart.

So, I made a conscious decision last night, following yet another rift with my new husband, that I CHOOSE SILENCE until the stupid and nonsensical fighting stops. I can't change the was he was reared, BUT I CAN CHANGE the way I allow that dysfunction to affect MY Life.

I choose Life.

I choose peace against all odds.

My heart muscle is chancy enough; I don't need the excess stress.

I choose silence concerning interactions with my new husband: this choice is not made out of meanness … it is made out of a will to live happily, joyfully, and FULLY the few years I have left to walk this Earth.

Holland has to decide for himself if he will walk those years with me. Beside me. With me. Honoring and respecting me.

DAMAGE CHECKS

NSYNC - 'This I Promise You' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq0RnzWL4zI)

A week and a half can seem like an eternity when bridges are avoided.

When pain overshadows everything, life can get very dark.

Where communication and touch end, everything seems further away than it actually is.

Roxette - 'Vulnerable' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsbQZBO9L9Y)

I cried a lot yesterday - past triggers, and present chaos have cut into sleep time, and I was edgy.

I also kept busy - busy works relaxes me, and adds balance to my life.

Angel Baby Blankets I had completed, and stored, before we started our marriage & USA Tour …

Newest ABB addition.

A timely phone call changed everything, yesterday afternoon :-)

I am glad I have true friends in my life, who force me to level up.

I am glad Elohim gifted me with a particular loving FRIEND who has loving eyes to see what angry pain blinds me to; I am glad this friend is more than simply a friend - this friend is {family} and boldly goes where angels fear to tread, and I appreciate that.

I am glad that my bestie keeps tabs on me through FB, this Blog, and sporadic texts. I'm glad my bestie loves me enough to "keep it real" when lovingly holding a mirror up, and gently forcing me to grow with a situation  … instead of letting me give into a fight or flight pattern.

I'm glad this particular loving friend has widened his embrace to include Holland in his loving concern.

The phone call came at the perfect moment; Elohim was working in both of our lives this afternoon.

I am eternally thankful for this loving concern without judgment.

I am glad I had the phone conversation on speaker phone.

I am glad Holland heard what was said - and accepted what was said. I'm glad a male friend spoke into our lives, at this time in our lives ;-)

We both knew we needed help: we both understood help had arrived with that phone call.

After the call ended, our eyes met across the room, and we both said at the same time, "I've missed you."

It was an Olive Branch moment.

Holland's emotions are the most damaged because he has gone through the most intense times - and has had to weather them on his own since he was forced to be on his own, at the tender age of 14.

He won't admit it, but his self-confidence stands on shaky ground. I know this because I love him, and I pay attention to the way he stands. The way he reacts. The way his eyes and tone change in tricky situations. I am aware of emotional withdrawal when our hearts get too close for his comfort. He doesn't say much verbally … but he says a lot, without being aware that he has spoken anything at all.

Love, for him, is an iffy thing. He struggles to feel it. He struggles to accept it. He struggles to allow it. Love, in his life, has always been a fleeting thing that has left severely damaging wakes in it's passing throughout his life.

I want him to know that he is lovable. He is worthy of love.

John Legend - 'All Of Me' lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGU3HyY19X4

I want him to know that I will love him no matter what.

I understand now, that when he separates himself from me, he is fighting the love demon that tells him he is unlovable. He is wrestling with damage vibrations of grief losses.

I walked to the bunkroom doorway, closing the open space between us; and said, "Holland: I want you to hear me - and let this sink in: I could have been dating from 2019 'til we got together; I deliberately held off until my heart came alive and Elohim whispered, 'he's the one'. I chose you. You are love worthy. I'm not interested in anyone else. I.c.h.o.s.e.y.o.u. You are the perfect man for me."

Diana Ross - 'If We Hold On Together' lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMadmAHjt50)

Eventually, he came out of the bunkroom while I was sitting at the dining table, working on an Angel Baby Blanket. He leaned down on the kitchen island, and said, "I love you, Baby; I'm sorry I made you cry."

Then he asked me what I was doing. I said, "I'm making Angel Baby Blankets - I learned a lot with Bob's passing; before Death touched us I never really understood the depth and scope of Grief. I thought there was a time limit on grieving … 1, 2 years into the process, people {should be "over it"}, you know?" Holland said, "It doesn't work like that." And I heard the soft pain in his voice, and I said just as softly, "I know that now; I was ignorant then, because even though death had touched my life - it really hadn't touched my life until I lost Bob's presence in my life. After Bob's spirit passed, I understood the deep pain of grief: I came to understand that the grieving process never really ends. It changes, and you learn to live with it: but it never ends. I needed to be busy, or go crazy with grief: for the first two years, I kept busy designing and crafting several crochet lapghans for hospice, and lots of knitted Newborn beanies and baby blankets for the maternity ward … but St. John's Hospital-Peace Health, eventually stopped the need for those outlets. Then I read about the Angel Baby Blankets program, and I started doing that - I was doing better with my grieving, but it still helped to be busy, filling those empty hours. This busy work helps me relax … to offer in some small way a bit of comfort during a time of grieving - having this little square of baby blanket pattern verifies the baby they never got to bring home to their nursery, and having something tangible to handle when the pain hurts, helps them come to terms with their loss."

And then the floodgates opened and we talked.

We actually heard each other out.

And we came to an understanding agreement with each other: when I get quiet and withdraw to refocus and find balance again, Holland won't take it personally; he'll give me the space I need until the mood lightens and I fully engage again. When Holland gets quiet and withdraws to refocus and find balance again (this may include bunkroom time; and possibly some angry talk), I won't take it personally - I'll suck it up, and give him the time he needs to lighten up and fully engage again.

We will not be quick to take offense when these moments happen.

He said, "I'm not used to sharing personal stuff with people. Guys don't do stuff like that."

I almost cried with the loneliness that tinged his tone. I said, "I know. But, you will get comfortable with sharing personal stuff with me - I'm your wife and there is no secret you cannot share with me; together we can weather the storm, stronger. I love you - warts, and all."

Holland shares little.

I share everything.

Sometimes between the little, and the everything, things can quickly go south … but now we both understand that: and we are consciously working on bettering our responses.

We are newlyweds building a Life together: we are people with Past baggage.

We are both damaged people healing by the grace of God: and we know that Elohim is aware of our personal struggles, and that He is working on our behalf to settle accounts so we can fully enjoy our Life together.

Diana Ross – 'When You Tell Me That You Love Me' lyrics:

 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0pIjB7OsMs)

If we never lose sight of that Truth - and keep our love alive during turbulent times … we'll make it safely (and stronger) through to the other side, where Victory lies and Testimony waits to bolster someone else.

Painful situations serve a purpose: we both know that. But challenging situations that make powerful testimonies are never fun for those going through it :-(

Thank Elohim for His presence, and damage checkpoints.

Thank Elohim for good friends that offer sound advice, and point the way to damage checkpoints, without judgment.

Damage checks are safety beacons that keep us in adult mode; and adult mode will keep our home a happy place to be despite the withdrawal symptoms that occasionally show themselves ;-)

Finishing touches after Supper; another 15-inch ABB finished … and placed with the others.

P.S: On another topic … it rained last night ;-)

It rained all night, in sunny Arizona ;-)

"TRUST ME"

November 11th: I woke up this morning and Holland asked me if I'd like to go see the Colorado River - then see the mountains. Of course I do; and he knows it. The only real decision was, did I want to be in the truck with him for an extended period of time … where there would be no escape if his amicable mood took a sudden sour turn.

He was letting me know he's trying.

But would it be a serious try - or a primrose path try? I'm tired of tripping down the root-strewn primrose path.

Trust has been broken.

I decided to risk it. If he's seriously trying, I don't want to be a bitch about it. On the other hand - I'm not ready to throw caution to the wind either, and jump back into a head-spinning-yo/yo'ing situation.

Same nail polish … different clothes, different costume jewelry.

Holland is trying today … he misses me; but does he miss me enough to stop the nonsense?

JANIS JOPLIN - 'TRUST ME' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9PYRML20hM)

The Redmill men live under a generational curse of leaving their women, and re-entering the marriage again whenever they feel like it; I'm not okay with that kind of twisted relationship … is Holland strong enough to break away from it, and be a 100% husband to me?

Driving along, he said, "You have a Heart CD, right? How about you slip that in the player?" I did - and wouldn't you know it - every single song was a sizzling love long. Holland tried to hold my hand over the console, but I'm not ready to get close yet. I said, "I'm not ready for this yet, Holland. You're sending mixed messages every 2 weeks, so until you really want to be in my life on a daily basis instead of in-and-out when you feel like it, let's leave things where they are for a while and see where it goes. Let Yeshua heal you, so you can give me all of you without any reservations."

It's gonna take time to rebuild trust; broken trust isn't repaired overnight.

I got busy looking out the passenger window. There is a lot of pain to work through before I'm ready to hold hands and hear whispered sweet nothings again.

This looks interesting - I like cooking ethnic meals; I like carribbean foods.

The Old Town Yuma Prison from after Civil War days … on my Bucket List ;-)

An old miner shaker 'deck'; used now to separate field rocks.

Bleu loves his roadtrips as much as I do ;-)

About an hour into the drive, I saw that we were in Bard … and knew we were in CA. I said, "This is the same road I was on yesterday afternoon … there's the Nazarene Church I passed on my way to the freeway, up ahead." Holland said, "What are the odds of being in the same place twice, in two days' time?" I couldn't resist … and said, "Maybe Elohim is telling you to pay attention and stick with your wife; I did ask you to join me on yesterday's drive, remember? Now, you're here with me today; you can't outrun God's Plan for your life."

We laughed - but Holland was thinking on what I said ;-)

Back in CA! GPS has a fascination with the one State Holland can't tolerate.

God's Plans won't be stopped.

Holland told me God gave him a vision of me as his wife … 35 years ago (he pursued me based on that vision); if that's true, then he's fighting against Elohim - not me.

GPS took us the loooong way to get to the Colorado River: through Yuma, into CA, and back to Somerton, near the mexican border … and back home, near the Yuma International Airport! And we never even got to see the river; but for a few minutes, we did talk to a Border Patrol fella as we drove along the dusty canal road, admiring President Trump's Border Wall.

Holland did try today to give me a 'close up view': apparently Elohim doesn't think I need to see the river - up close.

We never got to the mountains because trickster GPS took us far afield, which ate up time.

But we did spend time together. And we did talk without fighting. Laughter came easy, and the hours passed pleasantly ;-)

From Yuma #95 to CA freeway … looping us BACK to Yuma #95.

GPS's crazy train route.

Canal in Somerton-AZ; seeing a white heron symbolizes spiritual stillness, abundance, opportunities, and harmony. We can certainly use all of that in our lives, at the moment.

Everywhere we tried to get a glimpse of the river was filled with snafu's.

We need more of President Trump's Wall to get built.

We are directly across from the Colorado River, on the other side of The Wall.

Most of Yuma-AZ is farmland - miles into the horizons.

3-1/2 hours after we left home, we finally got to the Gonzales Fruit & Produce Stand up the road, about 20 minutes. We bought fruits to juice; and fresh vegetables for meals.

Holland made a tasty pork & vegetable stir-fry for Supper - it was delish!

Some of what we bought at the fruit & produce stand; these things were used in tonight's impromptu Supper.

The pork and veg's were ground, then stir-fried and served atop a baked yam. SO good!

He went out of his way, all day long, to give me a peaceful Shabbat Rest (and he really has serious issues with Shabbat observance).

He is trying.

But its gonna take a lot of love to repair the damage done.

Collin Raye - 'Not That Different' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itg-_jpaQU0)

Nicolette Larson - 'Lotta Love': 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpFfjWdhROU)