The older I get, the more I understand that I’m not looking for a big life… I’m seeking a peaceful one - a Life that is steady to wake up to, feels soft & gentle to walk through, and calm enough to truly enjoy.
I also recognize that I need an adult in my life.
A friendly female friend to enjoy local activities with - would be nice.
Someone to talk with; someone to share my life with - strangers met along the are okay - and not to be overlooked, as they could be angels in disguise. But, I miss MY persons: Bob is long gone, living above the clouds these past 7-1/2 years, & Holland is now gone, too - and though I do miss him, I'm savoring the peace.
For myself, my Days are busy with living, but … I miss my persons. Being in this area of WA does take my thoughts down rabbit trails involving Bob, but grief is no longer a constant companion, & I don't get lost on those trails anymore. And when I think of my current husband, I rein the missingness in sharply, reminding myself that I do not miss being disrespected - that reminder keeps things in perspective. I don't know what tomorrow holds - or what we - if there is still a we, come December - will be doing, but I know that today, right now, things are peaceful. I like that.
Holland is taking care of the bills, and he's keeping me supplied with asthma inhalers: he may want to live a separate life while in the redmill stronghold region, but he does worry about asthma flareups and my faulty heart (angina & arrhythmia). But I've lived with these issues all my life & came to the point a looong time ago, that I trust Elohim with my life 100%: and I will live as long as He dictates. I refuse to freak out about death. It happens: it will happen to me some day.
In the meanwhile I continue to thank Elohim for His grace towards my waking up every morning, I tend to my own business, watch a few movies & listen to some rockin' tunes; while designing & crafting in a housebound period, forced on me by the whacky WA weather cycle.
Doing whatever it takes & turning it a thanks filled Day, with a joyful outlook.
Sarah, Plain and Tall - 1991~The First Meeting:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8yXGk61GwM)
Sarah, Plain and Tall~Skylark:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYD7rVvhz6o)
Sarah, Plain and Tall~Winter’s End:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVyd6u7-rPI)
I always thought I would go Home before Bob; I am more than a bit surprised he is gone, and I am still here. And though I have lived 95% of my Life dedicated to walking Yeshua's Way, & I do long to see Yeshua soon … I refuse to let the redmill BS catapult me there, ahead of schedule - I anticipate living my life fully, as long as Elohim grants me that pleasure, & I patiently wait to hear the trumpet calling me to meet Him in the sky.
But since I am here, and I only have but this 1 life to live … I intend to fully LIVE it without the fear of {what if's}, or dodging verbal darts laced with my current husband's "the family" poisoned tactics designed to force a towing of the line: Holland can spend all the time he wants indulging in "the family" hysterics - and now, he is freed up to do exactly that. With all the pollen on the breeze, my lungs are on fire, and every coughing breath I take hurts (I haven't been able to do any workouts at all this week- not even easy ones) - I am not going to fight with my husband over ridiculous people living ridiculous lives … or get sucked into a global fear-mongering wildfire, he can buy a front-seat ticket on the global chaos train wreck; he can scream to high heaven trying to justify "the family" craziness & bemoan & wail his way through the "update!" newsfeed interferences; but I do not have to hop on the hamster wheel, with him. I choose peaceful vibes - if the only way to have peace is to live a separate life, then that is what I will do: and, the redmills, the world; and the rest of the doomsday criers, will just have to find it in their hysterical hearts to forgive me for wanting to halt the hysteria wildfires from encroaching on my life. I have enough of my own concerns to keep my scattered thoughts & my own arrhythmic heart occupied.
Holland has Beast Betsy, & she's available to me, when I need her; but I'm finding that I actually don't mind being hemmed in by the 4 walls of my little home, at the moment - that would have drove me crazy 3 years ago. But, now, it's not an issue: it's actually quite comforting right now. There is quiet. There is space. There is room for reflection, & these things, right now, are enough. It's another complexity in my already complex Life. 7 years ago, there was too much space, too much quiet, and too much reflection in the empty 1,600 sq. ft. home I had then … and I had to get out of the house every Day, all day to feel on an even keel; in my Life, in this moment of Time, sheltering in place & taking the time to be still in my little 400 sq. ft. home, is my even keel. It's a strangeness I am welcoming. I am not worrying about anything. I am not planning anything; I am not really even thinking past what I'm doing in the moment.
Maybe sometime in the near future - when the weather stabilizes, I'll request Betsy for a Day-out-of-house - and see what there is to do and explore, a bit north of here. I want to skip Longview & Kelso, if I can help it. Both have a lot of memories connected to them - Longview, good & sad; Kelso, bad and sad. Something the other direction seems like a good choice, to chance.
While visiting some of my blogger friends, I saw that one of my Posts had been featured on a Page … and I'm still doing whatever it takes:
Getting back to “in the present” happenings of today … I've been working on a matching kitchen hot pad set - I need to stay busy and keep my mind occupied with things in the present. Designing is therapeutic to me, crafting is soothing, and the end result brightens up my immediate space. Staying busy with busy work, works for me. I’ve always found calm in designing and crafting: my scattered thoughts need a focus. I completed most of the set last night, and I'm hoping to have the entire set complete by bedtime, tonight.
And I'll be laying my head down, praying for a friendly female friend to enjoy local activities with, when the weather stabilizes enough to let me outside to enjoy hoped for activities.
