Holland had to get his blood pressure checked this morning, so, while he's gone, I want to post these thoughts I'm hoping will give some insight into our situation - I am not making excuses, or giving way to bad behavior: that's not who I am. I'm just trying to explain as best I understand. And to ask for prayer for our situation.
The Redmill family nucleus is highly dysfunctional - and that is the environment Holland was raised in, and still embraces: he doesn't know anything else. For all his wandering from State to State all over mainland America, he's been pretty sheltered. He has never strayed very far from the family tentacles - he's lived with family members off and on, he's worked with family members ALL of his working life, he's rented homes and apartments from family members; he's run around with family members, he drank and drugged with family members … and he is still in very close contact with family members; and dysfunctional {friends} he has met through family connections over the years.
He has NEVER been solo lobo in his Life.
I don't think he has met many strangers; if he did, the connections were short and very far between. The chaotic disfunction is definitely family oriented.
He has always been immersed in dysfunction. He doesn't know how to function without constant chaos.
Add a brain injury to that - and you've got a mess.
I know all this about him. And the family chaos is no secret either, around these parts.
I know beyond a show of a doubt that Holland loves me; and isn't aware of what comes out of his mouth when he's under pressurized stress. When the heat of the moment passes, he truly does not remember what he said … about an hour after the stress settles down on his end, he's always surprised that he hurt (and-or) angered me; he's always sorry when he "wakes up and smells the coffee," and immediately goes about trying to make amends.
Even though he says he wants things to work out between us, hurled words fired off in anger is hard to overlook: they echo through the mind, regardless of given forgiveness.
I work hard - and have worked hard all my life to practice forgiveness and jumping emotional hurdles.
I know PRAYER WORKS.
I grew up with brain-damaged parents: father = execution bullet damage, during war time, that lasted his entire life - and led to frequent vicious behaviors when under stress; and mother = motorcycle accident during her college years, that lasted her entire lifetime that led to occasional vicious behaviors when stress overwhelmed her. Then there was the brain-damage period I went through with Bob, following his 1981 death episode; he was never mean-spirited, but it was still a hard period to get through.
Basically, ALL of my Life I have been dealing with brain-damaged people, and their spontaneous irrational behaviors that come out of the blue - when a situation that doesn't appear stressful becomes the one internal straw that breaks the camel's back.
I've been dealing with my own PTSD before, and following, Bob's death in 2018. Most of the time, I've been able to get over the hurdles because I have deliberately kept stressful people and stressful situations out of my Life. PTSD is easier to deal with if there are no hidden landmines.
That is hard to do in this marriage, because Holland is a chaos conduit; but with prayer and a strong Friends Support System, I can effectively get through this period in my Life, too.
With Prayer, I know we can handle things better; I know we both need deliverance from PTSD triggers that derail our happiness:
God designed marriage so that man and woman could come together and be saved from their sins. When husband and wife come together in holy matrimony, they commit to God's plan for their lives. This plan includes helping each other stay on the path to salvation. God designed marriage for three primary purposes: companionship, procreation, and redemption. These purposes are still relevant today.
Marriage ultimately displays the glory and grace of God by picturing the unbreakable relationship between Christ and his church: God enters into it, and it cannot be broken. In a valid marriage, God is the glue in marriage.
Husbands are to love unconditionally and sacrificially, putting his wife's needs before his own. He is to be attentive and affectionate and meet her need for security. Wives are to respect their husbands. Wives are to reinforce and meet a husband's need for significance by valuing him and esteeming him.
God's purpose for marriage is to be a picture of His love to a watching world.
We are striving mightily to come together on every level, and keep this marriage Elohim has purposed.
We were called together to be used together for Elohim's Purpose; we know everyone - Church, as well as the worldly eyes, are on us.
We both know we have personal - and joint - issues to iron out; and we are deliberately making every effort to overcome the fiery darts coming at our marriage from Lucifer … and both of us, when the heat is on.
Psalm 121: "My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven & earth; the LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth and even forevermore." The strength and the love of your marriage don't depend on you being in love, but on Love being in you.
Proverbs 16-32: "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city."
Proverbs 12:4: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband." Solomon writes here that a wife who lacks discretion (Proverbs 11:22: A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout. Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful face on an empty head) by inviting a bad reputation, or ridicule, also brings her husband pain. Just as decaying bones would cause severe pain, so a wife of ignoble character causes her husband great angst.
The operational definition of discretion is “the ability to avoid words, actions, and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences.” A person practices discretion by thoughtfully considering the possible consequences before taking any action.
Discretion means knowing when you should share information and when you should be silent. Discretion also is about knowing that just because you know something, doesn't mean you need to share it. And when in doubt, leave it out.
Please keep us held up in Prayer before the Mercy Seat. This is not a typical abuse situation, regardless of how it looks to someone looking into our life during the midst of a PTSD crisis moment (we both suffer this). We need prayerful compassion and if possible, empathy.
People hurt each other; that's the ugly part of being human.
But there's something uglier than that … not being able to forgive.
Yeshua strongly stressed the need to forgive: for our own benefit and spiritual growth, as well as lifting the burden of regret from the oppressor's shoulders. Forgiveness is a hallmark of Christianity.
Heartcry Worship - 'Nothing But The Blood' Lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-J8PPbIdHc)
Thank you for your concern.
Thank you for your enveloping love.
Thank you for trying to understand.
Thank you to those standing in the gap, holding my arms up, and strengthening us with prayer.
