Road Gypsies - Val & Holland: 11/16/23

NSYNC - 'This I Promise You' lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq0RnzWL4zI)

A week and a half can seem like an eternity when bridges are avoided.

When pain overshadows everything, life can get very dark.

Where communication and touch end, everything seems further away than it actually is.

Roxette - 'Vulnerable' lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsbQZBO9L9Y)

I cried a lot yesterday - past triggers, and present chaos have cut into sleep time, and I was edgy.

I also kept busy - busy works relaxes me, and adds balance to my life.

Angel Baby Blankets I had completed, and stored, before we started our marriage & USA Tour …

Newest ABB addition.

A timely phone call changed everything, yesterday afternoon :-)

I am glad I have true friends in my life, who force me to level up.

I am glad Elohim gifted me with a particular loving FRIEND who has loving eyes to see what angry pain blinds me to; I am glad this friend is more than simply a friend - this friend is {family} and boldly goes where angels fear to tread, and I appreciate that.

I am glad that my bestie keeps tabs on me through FB, this Blog, and sporadic texts. I'm glad my bestie loves me enough to "keep it real" when lovingly holding a mirror up, and gently forcing me to grow with a situation … instead of letting me give into a fight or flight pattern.

I'm glad this particular loving friend has widened his embrace to include Holland in his loving concern.

The phone call came at the perfect moment; Elohim was working in both of our lives this afternoon.

I am eternally thankful for this loving concern without judgment.

I am glad I had the phone conversation on speaker phone.

I am glad Holland heard what was said - and accepted what was said. I'm glad a male friend spoke into our lives, at this time in our lives ;-)

We both knew we needed help: we both understood help had arrived with that phone call.

After the call ended, our eyes met across the room, and we both said at the same time, "I've missed you."

It was an Olive Branch moment.

Holland's emotions are the most damaged because he has gone through the most intense times - and has had to weather them on his own since he was forced to be on his own, at the tender age of 14.

He won't admit it, but his self-confidence stands on shaky ground. I know this because I love him, and I pay attention to the way he stands. The way he reacts. The way his eyes and tone change in tricky situations. I am aware of emotional withdrawal when our hearts get too close for his comfort. He doesn't say much verbally … but he says a lot, without being aware that he has spoken anything at all.

Love, for him, is an iffy thing. He struggles to feel it. He struggles to accept it. He struggles to allow it. Love, in his life, has always been a fleeting thing that has left severely damaging wakes in it's passing throughout his life.

I want him to know that he is lovable. He is worthy of love.

John Legend - 'All Of Me' lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGU3HyY19X4

I want him to know that I will love him no matter what.

I understand now, that when he separates himself from me, he is fighting the love demon that tells him he is unlovable. He is wrestling with damage vibrations of grief losses.

I walked to the bunkroom doorway, closing the open space between us; and said, "Holland: I want you to hear me - and let this sink in: I could have been dating from 2019 'til we got together; I deliberately held off until my heart came alive and Elohim whispered, 'he's the one'. I chose you. You are love worthy. I'm not interested in anyone else. I.c.h.o.s.e.y.o.u. You are the perfect man for me."

Diana Ross - 'If We Hold On Together' lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMadmAHjt50)

Eventually, he came out of the bunkroom while I was sitting at the dining table, working on an Angel Baby Blanket. He leaned down on the kitchen island, and said, "I love you, Baby; I'm sorry I made you cry."

Then he asked me what I was doing. I said, "I'm making Angel Baby Blankets - I learned a lot with Bob's passing; before Death touched us I never really understood the depth and scope of Grief. I thought there was a time limit on grieving … 1, 2 years into the process, people {should be "over it"}, you know?" Holland said, "It doesn't work like that." And I heard the soft pain in his voice, and I said just as softly, "I know that now; I was ignorant then, because even though death had touched my life - it really hadn't touched my life until I lost Bob's presence in my life. After Bob's spirit passed, I understood the deep pain of grief: I came to understand that the grieving process never really ends. It changes, and you learn to live with it: but it never ends. I needed to be busy, or go crazy with grief: for the first two years, I kept busy designing and crafting several crochet lapghans for hospice, and lots of knitted Newborn beanies and baby blankets for the maternity ward … but St. John's Hospital-Peace Health, eventually stopped the need for those outlets. Then I read about the Angel Baby Blankets program, and I started doing that - I was doing better with my grieving, but it still helped to be busy, filling those empty hours. This busy work helps me relax … to offer in some small way a bit of comfort during a time of grieving - having this little square of baby blanket pattern verifies the baby they never got to bring home to their nursery, and having something tangible to handle when the pain hurts, helps them come to terms with their loss."

And then the floodgates opened and we talked.

We actually heard each other out.

And we came to an understanding agreement with each other: when I get quiet and withdraw to refocus and find balance again, Holland won't take it personally; he'll give me the space I need until the mood lightens and I fully engage again. When Holland gets quiet and withdraws to refocus and find balance again (this may include bunkroom time; and possibly some angry talk), I won't take it personally - I'll suck it up, and give him the time he needs to lighten up and fully engage again.

We will not be quick to take offense when these moments happen.

He said, "I'm not used to sharing personal stuff with people. Guys don't do stuff like that."

I almost cried with the loneliness that tinged his tone. I said, "I know. But, you will get comfortable with sharing personal stuff with me - I'm your wife and there is no secret you cannot share with me; together we can weather the storm, stronger. I love you - warts, and all."

Holland shares little.

I share everything.

Sometimes between the little, and the everything, things can quickly go south … but now we both understand that: and we are consciously working on bettering our responses.

We are newlyweds building a Life together: we are people with Past baggage.

We are both damaged people healing by the grace of God: and we know that Elohim is aware of our personal struggles, and that He is working on our behalf to settle accounts so we can fully enjoy our Life together.

Diana Ross – 'When You Tell Me That You Love Me' lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0pIjB7OsMs)

If we never lose sight of that Truth - and keep our love alive during turbulent times … we'll make it safely (and stronger) through to the other side, where Victory lies and Testimony waits to bolster someone else.

Painful situations serve a purpose: we both know that. But challenging situations that make powerful testimonies are never fun for those going through it :-(

Thank Elohim for His presence, and damage checkpoints.

Thank Elohim for good friends that offer sound advice, and point the way to damage checkpoints, without judgment.

Damage checks are safety beacons that keep us in adult mode; and adult mode will keep our home a happy place to be despite the withdrawal symptoms that occasionally show themselves ;-)

Finishing touches after Supper; another 15-inch ABB finished … and placed with the others.