I haven't posted anything since June 3rd, because everything in my life has gone sideways since then.
We had left the Long Beach-WA Peninsula the morning of May 30th, and secured an RV parking space at the Lewis River RV Park … where the present trouble started. Every time we get close to Kelso-WA, there is trouble: Holland's family and friends live in Kelso, and they are trouble (drinking, drugging, lying, cheating, and stealing: they are not nice people) - which causes trouble for us when Holland gets pulled (he doesn't have to be coaxed very hard) into the never-ending-chaos, and brings it home after his trips to Kelso.
So, now, I will be having nothing else to do with his family (friends were never an issue for me, as I never wanted to have anything to do with them - having met 2 of them and being chauvinistically dressed down by the shrimpy mouthy one that struts around like a preening neanderthal). I will no longer be enjoying a glass of red wine during my 24-hour Shabbat Rest because having alcohol in the house only adds fuel to the Kelso flames Holland vigorously fans. I have made it clear to Holland that there will be no more narcotics brought into the house - Holland needs rehab to break his Vicodin addiction … but he stubbornly refuses, claiming he is not addicted, while exhibiting all the characteristics of an addict - including spending time with addicted family and friends when we are in WA State, near Kelso; he angrily refuses to go to rehab or marriage counseling because he knows that he will be told that he needs to enter rehab and cut ties with addict connections (meaning cutting ties with family members and "friends"). We don't even agree on faith … Holland was born into and raised with a cult mentality that eerily resembles the Jim Jones religious cult (I did not know this about him until after we got back from Reno-NV; he had been very quiet in local fellowship, and put himself forward as a Christian man). He knew I was a Messianic Jew when we married because I was very open about myself … now my being a Jew is intolerable to him, and he accuses me of being a seventh day adventist - which I am NOT; but in his mind I am, and that settles the argument for him. I am a Christian: a full-on born again Christian Jew (aka Messianic Jew), and I have agreed to go to a Sunday Service with him … there is an Assembly of God fellowship up the street here in Woodland, but he will only consider vineyard "churches" in Longview-WA or Rainier-OR; knowing I will never set foot in those cultic environments where heresies, blasphemies, and outright occult activities are practiced: these religious activities are what he is familiar with, and he's not interested in anything else.
Holland is not - nor are any members of his family - Christian though they can quote Scripture - chapter and verse: and are actively involved in church activities (aka good deeds = salvation) locally, and nation-wide (and his "friends" are loose bullets when it comes to religion; anything and everything goes); he doesn't know what to do with a wife who is 100% Christian in thought, act, and deed. It irritates him, so he starts arguments and shouts accusations; n.o.n.s.t.o.p.
So.
Independence was scheduled for a complete and thorough inspection, and we are holed up in a local motel; we will know something about the damages fallout the third or fourth week of this month. In the meantime, things between Holland and I have gone seriously sideways. As well as the possibility of Independence being totaled … it appears that our marriage is also headed for the scrap heap.
I can't believe I'm living a life that eerily resembles my mother's and my sister Ramona's. I have STUDIOUSLY AVOIDED domineering men. I always steered clear of neanderthal's. Holland needs to dominate; he needs to control everything and everyone. Holland was unprepared for me. I do NOT like to be under a man's thumb … and I will NEVER be controlled by a man. I will gladly walk alongside a full-grown man who understands that I am a capable and worthy partner; BUT I will NEVER choke on the dust of a chest-thumping/brow-beating, shouting Neanderthal.
If a man does not allow for disagreement, individual thought and opinions; and flat out tells you that you stress him out because you are not wanting to “fall in line” and be in solidarity with any activity you find objectionable and destructive = like drugs, and bad company … they are shallow people, wanting their own way; and wanting to mold you into their opinion of acceptability. They will never be satisfied – and there will never be enough that can be done to make you acceptable in their eyes.
As of 2 days ago, Holland shouted he wants a divorce because "we don't get along - you don't like my family or friends: you hate everyone!" I don't hate anyone. I don't want to be around - or to be associated with - drunks, druggies, liars, cheats, or thieves: if people are trying to better themselves, that's different … but when people refuse to change bad habits and criminal activity, then NO! That does not make me hateful, it makes me relying on common sense and self-care actions. I was raised in an alcoholic-druggie environment before I left home at 17 to build a life for myself away from that crazy train ride; I have no plans to book passage on the Redmill Religion Express Rail. Holland wants a divorce, but he refuses to give me one based on Biblical principles - and anything less is simply another domineering action to keep me from moving on. I am a Christian, a divorce for any other reason than adultery will keep me tethered to him in the eyes of God for the rest of my life with no hope of getting on with my Life. It is cruel; it is unjustified. But I am learning that cruelty is the hallmark of the Redmill Religion.
This entire relationship has been hard to live with; I've never experienced anything like it before - it's almost like he's bipolar. I never know from 1 hour to the next what mood he's going to exhibit. One minute he wants me to go visit his family with him … the next he's yelling at me that he doesn't want me to have anything to do with his family: one minute he's reaching across the console to hold my hand & the next minute he's yelling he wants a divorce because "I can't live with you - we don't get along." If we have a great day one day … he will turn the next day into a chaotic drama. It's like he deliberately sabotages any chance of this marriage surviving. It's a crazy train ride every day.
But, he wants to make sure I "get an apartment and a new car" before he ditches me so he doesn't have to deal with guilt of ditching me for the hyped up hogwash he sells to friends and family. In short, he is willing to throw away a good thing in his life in order to hold onto bad habits and bad company. Isn't he a swell guy?
This entire week has been a nightmare straight out of Hell - so these are some of the things I have been doing to keep a peaceful attitude, a joyous outlook on life, and cultivate love in my Life leading towards my Shabbat Island of Rest:
1. Spend time away (I've gone back to hiking, and visiting friends: gone many hours, which is a blessing at this time).
2. Be intentional (I intend to be happy no matter what, and I have set my mind on harvesting happiness where I can).
3. Schedule “rest” (I purposefully rein in angry thoughts, and focus my mind on canceling stress; I also have been sleeping more than usual so that my body can relax and heal from the stress wounds aimed at me).
4. Read the Bible (YES! The Word is a reliable and trustworthy antidote to everything the enemy of our souls can hurl at us).
5. Meditate on God’s Word (I was just saying this to a friend the other day … the Word is written on my heart that I may not sin or return tit-for-tat to those who have wronged me; I will not entertain hate. The Word is a soothing Balm and a source of soul healing).
6. Tune out the noise (Turn my eyes upon Yeshua, and trust Elohim's Plan; punch the mute button on angry words and respond only as Yeshua would in situations geared towards baiting).
7. Spend time in nature (hiking and days in the country are cheap and enjoyable therapeutic activities).
8. Be in God’s presence (Walk in the fullness of a Christian Lifestyle every day, and earnestly pray God's Will in every situation).
9. Listen to praise music …
Michael Card - 'Joy In The Journey' lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UqStPHbFIc)
Where we go from here, I do not know: but this I do know - Elohim has a definite Plan for my Life, and He brought me to Holland. I was not looking for a husband. I was not entertaining remarriage thoughts. Because of this fact, I am secure in whatever tomorrow holds. I know Who holds tomorrow :-)
