SAMEKH~Shabbat Eve; Coalinga-CA

October 17th: With the recent 2-day rainfall came life springing forth - with allergies quick on those heels. I had gone to bed early last night, but got little sleep as I tossed & turned most of the night. When Holland came upstairs around 5 AM, I had been laying there debating getting up or trying to corral the leaping dream sheep … I finally just got up around 5:30 AM, so Holland could get some uninterrupted sleep.

My nose is runny.

I'm sneezing hard enough to get whiplash.

My eyes are red-rimmed & free-flowing …

I felt miserable this morning.

I look like a junkie, and feel like I've been smacked by a hit-n-run truck I didn't see coming.

I did swallow some Dayquil; but it doesn't seem to be slowing anything down.

My thoughts are also running down rabbit trails; my 69th BD is coming up in December, & I can't help thinking that when December 30th rolls around I will be knowing that Bob's life on earth ended at 69, 7 years ago on December 14th. I don't actively court memories of that morning, but this time of year brings memories that run like ticker tape through my gray matter - and while those memories did sustain me during the early years of my widowing years, they do not belong in the Life I am building, now. The Life I am building and living in this moment, is making it's own memories. Memories that have nothing to do with 2018.

I don't think those memories would be intruding if this marriage hadn't suffered such traumatic upheavals over the 33 months we tied the knot. And that is why I am taking space to work on myself.

I have explained to Holland about the boundaries I have and why I keep them so diligently - and he is hearing me; while working on himself to better circumstances in his own life, for the betterment of our Life together.

This is progress.

This is growth.

This is welcome.

And eventually, those hard memories from the Fall & Winter of 2018 will be regulated back to the Past recesses of my gray matter, Holland will step back from the redmill sibling dramas, and we can get busy once and for all living our Life for US - happily weaving a tapestry of this current Life, that will have happy colorful threads overlaying all the sorrows & bringing life to it.

I downed some java joy juice while watching the sunrise, spent some time with Elohim & Yeshua … and I got busy downsizing a pattern to fit a micro preemie:

Lovely sunrise; Coalinga-CA

Self-care

Started a downsizing adaptation …

Around 2:30 PM, Holland mentioned that today was Friday, and asked if I would feel up to shopping the Farmer's Market in Huron; I said it was a possibility. So, I switched my pj's out for public wear - and off we went. We were early, and the vendors weren't set up yet, so Holland treated me to some side road adventuring 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

And I was able to enjoy all of it without aching, burning eyes; a wet, red nose; or whiplash neck-snapping effects 🙏😘

I have a good God.

I have a good husband.

Farmer's Market in Huron, CA from Almond Tree RV Park, Coalinga-CA; 12m (8.1 mi) via W Jayne Ave and CA-269 N Lassen Ave

First road took us through Five Points-CA; it's an agricultural area northeast of Coalinga with a history of agricultural production, including cotton, tomatoes, and almonds. In this era, the small community is basically just a pit stop with a remaining café and a few businesses at a 5-way junction of roads that intersect at its center. It was originally a transportation hub for farmers and traders in the late 19th century.

The unincorporated community was named by Alberta Hamilton in the 1920s when a fifth road was added to the original three, creating five directions from the intersection.

Five Points-CA: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Points,_California

An inviting restaurant; Five Points-CA

Lassen Market is in the background - blue building … P.O. is not close.

Five Points-CA; 18 min from Huron-CA,  (15.7 mi) via CA-269 N Lassen Ave

Then we backtracked a mile or two, & drove the length of Oakland Avenue-CA, which is orchard region; and we watched a crop dusting plane do it's thing … the pilot appeared to be doing two things at once with his plane: fertilizing a bare rototilled field & dusting an orchard plot - not sure how that's possible with one plane 🧐, but he was doing it 😎

Oakland Avenue-CA from Five Points-CA; 9 min (8.0 mi) via CA-269 S and W Oakland Ave

Crop Duster plane - he barely cleared the power lines 🤠😳

Crop Duster plane.

Not sure how we ended up in the Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA 😳 - but that's where we ended up before finding our way back to Huron. We were driving along, and I read a road sign we passed that said, Lacey Boulevard, and I turned to Holland & said, "I think we're in Hanford, now; I recognize that sign because there is an organic nutrients & supplements store on that road I want to visit. I had no idea that the city was this close!" Holland said, "Well, we've been driving back roads for about an hour, so that's about right."

Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA from Oakland Avenue-CA; 23 min (20.0 mi) via CA-269 S and CA-198 E

Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA

Hanford-CA from Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA; 17 min (15.8 mi) via CA-198 E

Hanford-CA

Huron-CA from Hanford-CA; 35m (33.2 mi) via CA-198 W, Avenal Cutoff Rd and W Jayne Ave

We both saw a lot of new territory this afternoon 😊👌 I like exploring new roads - and I am glad Holland is loosening up enough to enjoy the adventurous explorations, too 😘

I looked up at the clouds overhead, and saw this Hebrew symbol in the clouds as we drove along; Elohim's eye is always on me - He loves me … and He always finds creative ways to encourage me 😁❤️

Hebrew Samekh symbol in the sky.

The Hebrew Samekh symbol signifies support, encircling, and completeness, with its circular shape representing infinity and endless cycles. It also symbolizes protection, like a shield or a shepherd's enclosure, and the concept of being upheld or supported, as seen in the root word samekh which means "to lean upon" or "to support". The shape is also compared to a wedding ring, symbolizing a couple's commitment, and their desire to be wholly bonded in their marital commitment. In a biblical context, the letter is the fifteenth letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and indicates a closed section in a text, and in numerology, it represents the number 60, which is associated with completeness.

Zemer Levav - 'As Long As I Breathe' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I8jVET0B0w)

I really mean it when I tell people that I am never alone in this walk through Life. It is good to be a daughter of the Most High God & the Bride of Yeshua 👍

I can always trust Him to know me best ❤️ … and to give me the best 💖 so that I never have to walk alone through Life.

Back home again, I put my Farmer's Market purchases away with a smile as a verse from Scripture ran through my thoughts: "She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar". This verse is part of a larger passage describing the virtuous and capable wife in Proverbs 31:14. The imagery of the verse highlights a willing & industrious nature of a wife's ability to proactively provide for her household by traveling distances if need be, and securing food sources from everywhere; similar to how an old world ship's captain would travel long distances for trade goods.

The thought & imagery made my domesticated wifey heart happy 😊

Bulb onions, purslane, little white onions, peppers, bananas. peaches, oranges, pears, papaya, zucchini, tomatoes.

I made a quick supper of soup & sandwiches; and as soon as the dishes were done … I got busy on the little sweater I had started during my morning coffee hour:

I'll finish the sleeves, tomorrow.

Today turned out better than anticipated when I rolled out of bed this morning.

I was blessed many times over throughout the Day 🥰, and fell back into bed with a satisfied sigh 🛌🕊️😴

DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST~Self-Care 2025; Ocean Park-WA

August 27th: Tomorrow morning around 5 AM, we'll be pulling out of here …

Betsy & Independence; Ocean Park-WA

Honestly - I do not know why we are even driving all those thousands of miles to CA just to continue the same tired cycle - he can treat me like crap here; and it would be easier on his joints and our bank account.

For myself, I'm going to honor the pledge I made before Almighty God - it won't be easy, but I'd rather struggle with this marriage that isn't; than struggle against Elohim, even if living with a narcissist is a continual uphill climb. There is never any true ground gained … it's all a slippery slope, and the footing is always tricky.

Emotional gaslighting destroys trust. Stalled trust ends a relationship.

But, I've gone through worse trials & Yeshua was always there when I needed His strength. People let me down, but God never does. I can always trust Elohim's Plan for my Life. I may not understand the why's - but I always trust the One, Who sits on the throne.

I am not ignorant of what a narcissist is: my mother and sister were married to cruel males who treated them very shabbily. I pointedly go out of my way to avoid toxic men. I am literally shocked that I now find myself married to a narcissist - I never saw that coming down the pike.

Holland doesn't fit the stereotype. It was only after we'd been married about 2 weeks that I realized the deep waters I was in. The sneaker waves come in cycles; never seen, but always lurking to eventually strike with a vengeance.

I'm learning the cycles, though. The code words which mean the waves are gathering strength. The love bombing that always leaves emotional pain and soul anguish in it's wake. The sneaky behaviors and ridiculous lies in attempts to cover up the sneakiness - always over some stupid bullshit that wouldn't have mattered if I'd been in the loop, anyway. The angry verbal dart hurled my way because he's blame-shifting to avoid feeling the guilt nagging at his heart to feel. Something. Anything. 

Sorry and true remorse would be a novel experience.

I'm realizing that it's not whether I know, or whether I don't know … he gets a wild hair and it's all about rebellion at that point. He does what he wants regardless of the impact on me, or the relationship.

I'm distancing myself from the chaos, and taking care of myself.

Physically. Emotionally, Spiritually.

She didn't stop loving him - she stopped losing herself to love him.

I may be his target - but I am not an easy target. He may think to make me a victim; but I refuse to be a victim. He may engage in mean-spirited cat and mouse games, but I'm familiar with cat and mouse games.

I've never been a victim.

Eventually even Elohim will tire of his egocentric silliness and slap him down. I will not enjoy watching that; but I am fervently anticipating it. It is needed. Anytime soon would be greatly appreciated.

So … I just stop going to places he wants to visit: like relatives. Where the behavior is practiced by everyone.

The males are overbearing.

The females are docile - except the ones who have been with the family forever and are given the green light to "misbehave.'

WTH

I won't be controlled. By anyone. For any reason.

When MY male misbehaves and tries to control me in public situations, I …. (1) simmer on a low burn and explode in the vehicle on the way back home to the battlefield (2) give him a chance to settle down and behave in public; if he continues the dysfunctional behavior, my low simmer eventually hits the danger zone & I will firmly correct the words he is twisting. I will risk the verbal berating - or freeze out, later on (3) just get up & walk out. I'm [out], & He can deal with the freeze out.

I have NEVER accepted this behavior. From my mother. From my children.

I am too old for this immature bullshit.

I am NOT going to be controlled by a dominating males high on self-importance and toxic ego.

So, I just stopped sitting at unwelcome dysfunctional relatives' tables.

And because it keeps happening; and has gotten worse following Scott's death … I won't be taking this fallout-Kelso-mess to his relatives' tables in CA. He can go visit alone, and tell them whatever he wants to tell them about my absence. Actually, he can keep my name off his lips.

I will build and set MY OWN Table. Where I am welcome. Where I won't be disrespected. Where peace reigns.

I.WILL.NOT.BE.CONTROLLED

To find balance in this seriously unbalanced relationship (if it can be termed such), I need to pull back & focus on my own well-being and stand firm with my boundaries. My emotional safety, and my soul healing, are top priorities: living with a a narcissist is very draining. With all levels of being.

I've been busy all day dodging fiery darts, and getting Independence ready to roll; but I did find some time to make time for some cardio exercises - light cardio, but that's okay. Cardio is cardio:

The Step Back-Torso Twist exercise helps improve balance and overall lower body stability - and it's knee-friendly, making it a good option for those with knee issues.

This exercise also uses your obliques (internal and external), which are responsible for rotation, along with the rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis for general core stabilization. The erector spinae and quadratus lumborum in your lower back also engage to support the movement. This exercise also engages leg muscles like the hip flexors; & stabilizing muscles throughout the body may also be activated.

1 Minute Step Back-Torso Twist Workout : 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu8d6HrLfoU)

The Step Half Jacks is a low impact, full-body exercise, that engages a range of muscles, primarily in the legs and glutes (quadriceps, calves, glutes) and the core (abdominals and lower back), with the shoulders and arms also participating in the movement. This exercise is good for balance, stability, and cardiovascular health.

The muscles of the lower back include the erector spinae group (iliocostalis, longissimus, and spinalis), multifidus, and quadratus lumborum. These muscles work together to support the expand, rotate, & stabilize the spine - to maintain posture, and to enable activities such as bending, lifting, and walking. 

 

I hope to be doing some walking, Friday sometime, in CA