NO MORE NICE; Coalinga-CA

I don’t care anymore about being nice to offensive people. That season came and went with the arrival of Fall 2019. By the time politicians were showing their horns & forked tails in the Fall of 2020, I was done with bully tactics completely. I am no longer nice to mean-spirited people, and I feel no need to apologize for that awakening.

I've reached my limit with shabby treatment. I am ready to take ‘social distancing’ to new heights, and bug out: waaaay out.

I deserve better.

I will have better: alone or in union - the choice is really up to him now.

I can be kind without being nice.

I've reached my limit with bad behavior.

August 28, 2025 Post~DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST~Self-Care 2025; Ocean Park-WA: https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/08/dealing-with-narcissistself-care-2025.html

High Blood Pressure issue; and he's bitching because I'm suggesting he should cut his salt intake back. "You're not my Mom" …

Bitching about being overweight … then stepping the bitching up when I suggest slimming down the calorie intake. "You're not my Mom" …

Having trouble walking - but bitching because I ask him to cut the alcohol intake back some to ease the gout flareups. "You're not my Mom" …

Coughing, wheezing, and sounding like a cat with a hair ball; and he's bitching because I'm suggesting that any nicotine, in any form, will worsen his COPD symptoms. "You're not my Mom" …

Asking him to do something SIX HOURS AGO - asking because he insists he "the only one" that "can do it right": then he snaps and snaps off with a smart-ass remark, because you snap. "Stop your bitching, you're not my Mom" …

Denied going to ER with him - or even having the exam results shared with me. "It doesn't concern you. You're not my Mom" …

Yep: it's time to relax and do what I can do FOR ME to make MY life simpler and less stress-free. I've raised my kids, with their dismissive smart-aleck attitudes - I don't need, I don't want, nor will I accept a dismissive smart-aleck attitude from a narcissistic husband. He's right - I'm not his Mom 🤨

So, I quit.

I quit "understanding" that I will always be in the wrong, from his point of view.

I quit shouldering a lop-sided load; and the relief was immediate.

I quit overthinking when it was obvious to me that our problems are not my sole responsibility. It takes 2 to make a marriage work … and he's checked out past "me man, you woman".

I quit accepting with hope things that will never change - he has told me repeatedly "I'll never change!": I believe that, now.

I quit verbally sharing because he either tunes me out, changes the topic to whatever's on his mind - thereby dominating the entire conversation, or he totally shuts down the entire conversation by totally disengaging: basically letting me know I am irrelevant - and my voice is not valued.

I quit sharing myself when I began to feel so unseen, so unheard, and so undervalued as to be considered worthless.

So, I quit.

Being a quitter isn't something that comes easy to me; but I am learning that quitting a dead end scenario is sometimes the best route to go.

Elohim sees me.

MiYah - "You Saw Me" Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4p7o30FYv0&list=RDH4p7o30FYv0&start_radio=1)

Yeshua walks with me; He hears me. He values my presence. He likes to hear my voice. He shares His heart with mine; we have no secrets between us.

Holland can keep his secrets.

Holland can keep His people.

Holland can keep his [nice] life, separate and self-serving.

I've reached my limit with bad behavior.

I can be kind without being nice. Holland and the redmill bunch are considered nice … but not a one of them are kind people; they can be very brutal, in a nice way of course, in how they treat others.

I, on the other hand, can morph from kind to distancing without all the niceties of dishonesty. Plus, kindness is a hallmark of Biblical standing: kindness is highlighted from Genesis to Revelation - [nice] isn't to be found anywhere in the Scriptures. It's actions are not lauded because it's root cause is dishonesty for self-gratification gaslighting (aka, guile).

I will continue practicing sanity-saving-hibernation for the next 10 months … and longer, if necessary. My husband is a very stubborn man, given to lifetime bad habits and a poisonous crappy attitude handed own to him from generations of toxic, over-bearing neanderthal-minded males, broken-spirited females, & recklessly rebellious/over-indulgent, suicidal siblings & cousins who have never had to shoulder responsibly for behavior ownership. At some point, maturity is required from those claiming adulthood. 60 year old toddlers are ridiculous; and I'm not pandering to pampered brats who would rather plop onto their cushioned asses and scream in temper tantrum mode; rather than stand upright, accept the need for personal growth, and walk forward into adulthood as a healthy person capable of building & enjoying a healthy home environment and nurturing a healthy adult relationship.

Self-care.

Standing Toe Touch~8 to 12 repeats x2

I did a couple exercise sets, I worked some more on the little baby sweaters I am knitting - it’s a simple pattern, so I could veg out while working and just relax without thinking too much 😉

My little project is taking shape …

And, I fried up some liver & onions for supper.

Liver & Onions; light supper.

Beef liver is an excellent source of high-quality protein, B-complex vitamins, and much needed minerals like iron, zinc, and copper: things a  body needs to main a healthy balance to work efficiently for you (energy level, immunity benefits, brain function, & red blood cell production) - I am very anemic, so I need to eat liver (beef, lamb, or chicken) as often as possible.

Tonight, my choice is beef 👍 and aside from the onions, I didn't bother with side dishes - there was only me eating, so I kept things simple:

Liver & Onions ~4 servings

Beef Liver, sliced 16 oz * 1/2 tsp. Garlic Salt * 1/4 tsp. Black Pepper, ground * 1/2 tsp. Paprika powder, smoked * 2 Onions, sliced * 2 TBSP. Olive Oil * Paper Towels * 1 Large Skillet * 1 Lrg. Slotted Cooking Spoon * 1 Lrg. Pancake Turner * 1 Large Dinner Plate * Aluminum Foil

1) Blot liver slices with paper towels; sprinkle slices with pepper & paprika.

2) Put 1 TBSP oil in the skillet. Turn heat to medium; add onions & cook about 10 minutes, stirring often.

3) When onions are translucent and browned to your liking; remove them from the skillet to the dinner plate, with a slotted spoon. Cover onions with foil.

4) Pour the remaining oil into the skillet, and add liver slices (in batches if necessary); sprinkling with the garlic salt. Cook about 4 minutes on each side to be well done - or until juices no longer runs red when pierced with fork tines.

DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST~Self-Care 2025; Ocean Park-WA

August 27th: Tomorrow morning around 5 AM, we'll be pulling out of here …

Betsy & Independence; Ocean Park-WA

Honestly - I do not know why we are even driving all those thousands of miles to CA just to continue the same tired cycle - he can treat me like crap here; and it would be easier on his joints and our bank account.

For myself, I'm going to honor the pledge I made before Almighty God - it won't be easy, but I'd rather struggle with this marriage that isn't; than struggle against Elohim, even if living with a narcissist is a continual uphill climb. There is never any true ground gained … it's all a slippery slope, and the footing is always tricky.

Emotional gaslighting destroys trust. Stalled trust ends a relationship.

But, I've gone through worse trials & Yeshua was always there when I needed His strength. People let me down, but God never does. I can always trust Elohim's Plan for my Life. I may not understand the why's - but I always trust the One, Who sits on the throne.

I am not ignorant of what a narcissist is: my mother and sister were married to cruel males who treated them very shabbily. I pointedly go out of my way to avoid toxic men. I am literally shocked that I now find myself married to a narcissist - I never saw that coming down the pike.

Holland doesn't fit the stereotype. It was only after we'd been married about 2 weeks that I realized the deep waters I was in. The sneaker waves come in cycles; never seen, but always lurking to eventually strike with a vengeance.

I'm learning the cycles, though. The code words which mean the waves are gathering strength. The love bombing that always leaves emotional pain and soul anguish in it's wake. The sneaky behaviors and ridiculous lies in attempts to cover up the sneakiness - always over some stupid bullshit that wouldn't have mattered if I'd been in the loop, anyway. The angry verbal dart hurled my way because he's blame-shifting to avoid feeling the guilt nagging at his heart to feel. Something. Anything. 

Sorry and true remorse would be a novel experience.

I'm realizing that it's not whether I know, or whether I don't know … he gets a wild hair and it's all about rebellion at that point. He does what he wants regardless of the impact on me, or the relationship.

I'm distancing myself from the chaos, and taking care of myself.

Physically. Emotionally, Spiritually.

She didn't stop loving him - she stopped losing herself to love him.

I may be his target - but I am not an easy target. He may think to make me a victim; but I refuse to be a victim. He may engage in mean-spirited cat and mouse games, but I'm familiar with cat and mouse games.

I've never been a victim.

Eventually even Elohim will tire of his egocentric silliness and slap him down. I will not enjoy watching that; but I am fervently anticipating it. It is needed. Anytime soon would be greatly appreciated.

So … I just stop going to places he wants to visit: like relatives. Where the behavior is practiced by everyone.

The males are overbearing.

The females are docile - except the ones who have been with the family forever and are given the green light to "misbehave.'

WTH

I won't be controlled. By anyone. For any reason.

When MY male misbehaves and tries to control me in public situations, I …. (1) simmer on a low burn and explode in the vehicle on the way back home to the battlefield (2) give him a chance to settle down and behave in public; if he continues the dysfunctional behavior, my low simmer eventually hits the danger zone & I will firmly correct the words he is twisting. I will risk the verbal berating - or freeze out, later on (3) just get up & walk out. I'm [out], & He can deal with the freeze out.

I have NEVER accepted this behavior. From my mother. From my children.

I am too old for this immature bullshit.

I am NOT going to be controlled by a dominating males high on self-importance and toxic ego.

So, I just stopped sitting at unwelcome dysfunctional relatives' tables.

And because it keeps happening; and has gotten worse following Scott's death … I won't be taking this fallout-Kelso-mess to his relatives' tables in CA. He can go visit alone, and tell them whatever he wants to tell them about my absence. Actually, he can keep my name off his lips.

I will build and set MY OWN Table. Where I am welcome. Where I won't be disrespected. Where peace reigns.

I.WILL.NOT.BE.CONTROLLED

To find balance in this seriously unbalanced relationship (if it can be termed such), I need to pull back & focus on my own well-being and stand firm with my boundaries. My emotional safety, and my soul healing, are top priorities: living with a a narcissist is very draining. With all levels of being.

I've been busy all day dodging fiery darts, and getting Independence ready to roll; but I did find some time to make time for some cardio exercises - light cardio, but that's okay. Cardio is cardio:

The Step Back-Torso Twist exercise helps improve balance and overall lower body stability - and it's knee-friendly, making it a good option for those with knee issues.

This exercise also uses your obliques (internal and external), which are responsible for rotation, along with the rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis for general core stabilization. The erector spinae and quadratus lumborum in your lower back also engage to support the movement. This exercise also engages leg muscles like the hip flexors; & stabilizing muscles throughout the body may also be activated.

1 Minute Step Back-Torso Twist Workout : 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu8d6HrLfoU)

The Step Half Jacks is a low impact, full-body exercise, that engages a range of muscles, primarily in the legs and glutes (quadriceps, calves, glutes) and the core (abdominals and lower back), with the shoulders and arms also participating in the movement. This exercise is good for balance, stability, and cardiovascular health.

The muscles of the lower back include the erector spinae group (iliocostalis, longissimus, and spinalis), multifidus, and quadratus lumborum. These muscles work together to support the expand, rotate, & stabilize the spine - to maintain posture, and to enable activities such as bending, lifting, and walking. 

 

I hope to be doing some walking, Friday sometime, in CA

IMPERIAL NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE~Yuma-AZ

Imperial National Wildlife Refuge: https://www.fws.gov/refuge/imperial

November 7th: Today I woke up a Plan - I would be striking out on my first solo 4x adventure :-)

I'm married … but currently, I'm not; I'm a wife … but currently, I'm not.

Holland isn't chasing skirt … but he IS a narcissist; and that's hard to live with. Only Elohim can change that, but Holland isn't accepting change from anyone.

Lauren Spencer Smith - 'Narcissist' Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9tJnU9tH7s)

I'm a curious traveler: that I can do.

Adventuring is why I'm now in Arizona: I intend to see Arizona.

The day did not pass in a blur.

I stopped, and took pictures, whenever & wherever I wanted to: there was no rush to get back home.

Solo Lobo today …

Today's adventure destination: Imperial National Wildlife Refuge, Yuma-AZ from Del Pueblo RV Resort, Yuma-AZ; 52 min (40.9 mi) via US-95 N

I'm not a 'sit-at-home-&-cry' gal; I'm a mover and a shaker.

Sir Douglas Quintet - "She's About A Mover":  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqt5G1UDOV8)

I'll be sightseeing & enjoying the Day.

Most of the road was familiar - it was the highway we'd taken from Quartzsite-AZ, to here - Yuma, AZ.

I stopped and gawked at sights I've been curious about, but never got the chance to pull over and contemplate; I was solo lobo today, and I was "wasting time", with no apologies being issued.

I took pictures, and researched them later.

I was in my element … and thoroughly enjoying every minute.

A quick reroute …

McPhaul Bridge: suspension bridge over the Gila River~Yuma.

AZYuma's Bridge To Nowhere: 

(https://azdot.gov/blog-article/yumas-bridge-nowhere)

'Pause, Rest, Worship' Church~Dome Valley, AZ.

Spousal Love Immortalized:  (https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona-best-reads/2019/05/12/pause-rest-worship-chapel-highway-outside-yuma-offers-retreat-loren-cecil-pratt/3642615002/)

US Army Proving Grounds~Yuma, AZ

The Imperial National Wildlife Refuge is an Army Corps Recreational Area, and a bit past the Army Proving Grounds sign; the drive along  Martinez Lake Road is new territory.

I like the adventure that comes with new territory :-)

About 10 miles into the newness, I hung a right onto Redcloud Road … and entered a whole new environment.

I love the adrenaline rush of wide-open-spaces freedom and exploration ;-)

Martinez Lake Road from US Army Proving Grounds~Yuma, AZ; 11 min (5.7 mi)

The 'Proving Grounds' air space & hangers; Martinez Lake Road~Yuma, AZ

Fisher's Landing~Yuma, AZ

Boondocking both sides of the highway: I panned quickly because it was hot … this is rattlesnake country, and Bleu was playing Curious George everywhere.

This is nice …

Cattle Guards - they can't be avoided.

A pretty, upgraded, 'adobe'.

I finally found the Refuge, let Bleu out to relieve himself, and I located the Visitor's Center/Museum that was hosted by a very friendly fella full of local information. We touched on a lot of topics that included the present location, where we were from & what brought us here, and I asked a lot of questions about the 'Painted Desert' area I was planning to sight-see.

I was told I might see some wild burro's - and I was hoping: but I never saw them. The original burro's came to America with the Spanish Conquistadors ... later gold miner's used them, and when they didn't make good on thier claims, they just turned them loose in the desert where they enjoyed themselves and grew in numbers. There are supposed to be a herd of 200 on the Refuge, and they have worn  obvious trails through the desert.

We must have talked for at least half an hour - I would have enjoyed talking more, but Bleu was in the truck (no pets allowed inside).

The guy said there was a parking lot with a 'pit toilet' at the Painted Desert Trailhead … and I thought, 'No. I do not want to encounter a rattlesnake in a desert toilet in the middle of nowhere'; so I used the toilet at the Visitor's Center before driving away ;-)

Imperial National Wildlife Refuge from Martinez Lake Road; 16 min (9.7 mi)

Finally made the Wildlife Refuge.

Off blacktop, towards the Visitor's Center.

Visitor's Center Entrance.

No way! 5 mph is too fast on this warped road.

A Time Capsule near the center entrance … I wonder what's in there (railing shadow; sorry).

Wulfenite is found in oxidized areas of lead-bearing deposits throughout Arizona, especially in Pima, La Paz, Maricopa, and Gila counties; Wulfenite is Arizona's State Mineral. Wulfenite is named in honor of Austrian mineralogist Franz Xavier von Wulfen (1728-1805):  (https://www.geologyin.com/2023/04/wulfenite-facts-and-infromation.html)

This finned beluga looking fish is a Humpback Chub; this fish can live up to 30 years in the wild and has genetic traits that keep it stable in turbulent water. This minnow is not considered tasty, and was referred to as a “trash fish” by early settlers. As it grows, the creek chub will travel away from its known territory and engage in aggressive behavior with other members of the species. It will enlarge its mouth and widen its fins as well as head butt others of the species to protect its territory.

Humpback Chub: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpback_chub)

There are 13 species of rattlesnakes in Arizona. More than any other state, so we are in the hot spot for rattlesnakes. March through October is considered rattlesnake season in Arizona.

Rattlesnakes - 5 Ways To Avoid Grim Death:  (https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/rattlesnake-season-in-arizona-five-ways-to-avoid-grim-death-6665218)

Mountain Lions prowl a wide range of Arizona habitats, from Sonoran Desert canyons to Alpine forests; and everywhere in between. A lion's home range in Arizona is up to 150 miles and transient animals may occasionally use state park property to exploit abundant prey.

Mountain Lions: 

(https://www.fs.usda.gov/detail/coronado/recreation/?cid=stelprdb5347377)

The Gila monster is a species of venomous lizard native to the Southwestern United States and the northwestern Mexican state of Sonora. Gila monster venom is about as toxic as that of a western diamondback rattlesnake. However, a relatively small amount of venom is introduced in a Gila bite. Gila monsters may hold onto a predator for more than ten minutes. There is no antivenin for Gila bites.

Gila Monster: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gila_monster)

Roadrunner birds are large cuckoos with a distinctive shape. Roadrunners can survive in the desert, outrun a human, and beat rattlesnakes to death. Seldom seen and under-appreciated, they're a bird worth getting to know.

Road Runner Bird:  (https://www.desertmuseum.org/books/nhsd_roadrunner_new.php#:~:text=Distinguishing%20features,15%20mph)%20and%20rarely%20flies.)

The Visitor Center fella was informative as well as friendly.

Jumping Cholla. Yes, a jumping cactus; keep friends, children and pets at least 3 feet away from this plant monster at all times (the 4x tires were maybe 18 inches away).

Sneaky Jumping Cholla. Cactus Attack!: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=379z9-LYu2s & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD6m8vmH2Lg)

Backtracking from the Visitor's Center, I turned left, onto the 'Painted Desert' road. The desert dust is powdery - like baby powder quality softness, and the gravel has sunk so far into the powder that it's lost it's traction.

I never went over 5 mph. while in 4H during the drive: never more than 5 mph, which was a good thing because the road was terrible wash-board type.

I am going to drive to the Painted Desert Trailhead …

Solo Lobo Adventure.

The desert landscape appeals to me.

Adventure waits for me through that passage …

Very fresh burro 'sign'; they are here. Somewhere.

The desert dust was very fine - and Beast Betsy is very heavy.

A little humor helps in a dicey situation.

Passing this viewpoint up; can't afford riskiness.

I relied on the things Holland had taught me; moved forward.

Burro trails …

My vacant husbands continue to teach me Life Skills ;-)

Arizona's Bush Morning Glory plant is drought tolerant, although it does need some additional water in the desert.

There are no knights in shining armor around these parts …

I kept inching forward - I was afraid to try turning around, off road, in the powdery soft desert landscape. Staying on the rough and mushy roadway seemed to be the best course of action - given the circumstances.

I kept praying the parking lot would show up soon: it did :-)

I had my adventure; but had to break out the inhaler when my lungs started complaining about the kicked up dust.

On my adventure, I saw a few little birds and a couple dragonflies on the wing … but, no burros; wild or otherwise.

I didn't see the river, which was really the whole purpose of choosing this particular sight-see :-(

I saw advertising for ATV rentals - but Holland is being an ass. So, that's that.

I had seen a sign pointing in the general direction of food … so, when I saw it again, I pulled off the road and pulled up the Rio Lobo location (and menu, too), and decided to pass: I want authentic mexican food, not tourist trap crap.

I can make a grilled cheese sandwich at home.

Maybe I'll take a daytrip to the Imperial Dam - I want to see the Colorado River; and if going to the dam is the only way to get that Bucket List check … that's what I'll do ;-)

Nope; passing this viewpoint up, too.

Pulling on every driving memory my husbands have given me.

Deep powder & washboard gravel; not easy travel.

THIS makes it all worthwhile; the painted desert landscape.

Elohim provided an 'Indiana Messenger' ;-)

Bleu was glad to see the parking lot, too. Poor little fella.

1-1/2 mi. round loop; I wanted to so badly, but Bleu was not up to it. It was hot & he has a double-haired coat.

The turning point … decision time.

Curiosity … and stubborn determination; a monkey-jar risk.

Tried to reach Holland … he wasn't answering.

Called it a day, here.

Enough adventurous excitement for the day.

A strange happening with Beast Betsy …

Caught up with the Indiana Messenger.

Thanking Elohim for the men in my life; knowledge.

I had to break out the inhaler … the dust played havoc with my lungs.

Blacktop - HALLELUJAH!

Concentrate on the silver linings of life's black clouds.

Back over the cattle guards …

Holland has been wanting to rent some UTV's - but we aren't talking; so, that's that.

The Colorado River is still a 'want'; maybe the Dam is the answer.

A passing thought; the online menu shelfed that idea.

When I got back home, I mentioned the steering wheel jerk (half the truck belongs to him, too, he has a right to be in the loop), and Holland said it's possible I ran over a rock under all the powder; and that would have made the steering wheel jerk.

I'm hoping that's all it was: we have enough problems to deal with, at the moment.

Now, I'm heading of to bed where the sandman's hearty prods will probably be shrugged off for a bit, when my thoughts get caught up plotting my next adventure ;-)

No reason to stick around is a good reason to GO …