August 27th: Tomorrow morning around 5 AM, we'll be pulling out of here …
Betsy & Independence; Ocean Park-WA
Honestly - I do not know why we are even driving all those thousands of miles to CA just to continue the same tired cycle - he can treat me like crap here; and it would be easier on his joints and our bank account.
For myself, I'm going to honor the pledge I made before Almighty God - it won't be easy, but I'd rather struggle with this marriage that isn't; than struggle against Elohim, even if living with a narcissist is a continual uphill climb. There is never any true ground gained … it's all a slippery slope, and the footing is always tricky.
Emotional gaslighting destroys trust. Stalled trust ends a relationship.
But, I've gone through worse trials & Yeshua was always there when I needed His strength. People let me down, but God never does. I can always trust Elohim's Plan for my Life. I may not understand the why's - but I always trust the One, Who sits on the throne.
I am not ignorant of what a narcissist is: my mother and sister were married to cruel males who treated them very shabbily. I pointedly go out of my way to avoid toxic men. I am literally shocked that I now find myself married to a narcissist - I never saw that coming down the pike.
Holland doesn't fit the stereotype. It was only after we'd been married about 2 weeks that I realized the deep waters I was in. The sneaker waves come in cycles; never seen, but always lurking to eventually strike with a vengeance.
I'm learning the cycles, though. The code words which mean the waves are gathering strength. The love bombing that always leaves emotional pain and soul anguish in it's wake. The sneaky behaviors and ridiculous lies in attempts to cover up the sneakiness - always over some stupid bullshit that wouldn't have mattered if I'd been in the loop, anyway. The angry verbal dart hurled my way because he's blame-shifting to avoid feeling the guilt nagging at his heart to feel. Something. Anything.
Sorry and true remorse would be a novel experience.
I'm realizing that it's not whether I know, or whether I don't know … he gets a wild hair and it's all about rebellion at that point. He does what he wants regardless of the impact on me, or the relationship.
I'm distancing myself from the chaos, and taking care of myself.
Physically. Emotionally, Spiritually.
She didn't stop loving him - she stopped losing herself to love him.
I may be his target - but I am not an easy target. He may think to make me a victim; but I refuse to be a victim. He may engage in mean-spirited cat and mouse games, but I'm familiar with cat and mouse games.
I've never been a victim.
Eventually even Elohim will tire of his egocentric silliness and slap him down. I will not enjoy watching that; but I am fervently anticipating it. It is needed. Anytime soon would be greatly appreciated.
So … I just stop going to places he wants to visit: like relatives. Where the behavior is practiced by everyone.
The males are overbearing.
The females are docile - except the ones who have been with the family forever and are given the green light to "misbehave.'
WTH
I won't be controlled. By anyone. For any reason.
When MY male misbehaves and tries to control me in public situations, I …. (1) simmer on a low burn and explode in the vehicle on the way back home to the battlefield (2) give him a chance to settle down and behave in public; if he continues the dysfunctional behavior, my low simmer eventually hits the danger zone & I will firmly correct the words he is twisting. I will risk the verbal berating - or freeze out, later on (3) just get up & walk out. I'm [out], & He can deal with the freeze out.
I have NEVER accepted this behavior. From my mother. From my children.
I am too old for this immature bullshit.
I am NOT going to be controlled by a dominating males high on self-importance and toxic ego.
So, I just stopped sitting at unwelcome dysfunctional relatives' tables.
And because it keeps happening; and has gotten worse following Scott's death … I won't be taking this fallout-Kelso-mess to his relatives' tables in CA. He can go visit alone, and tell them whatever he wants to tell them about my absence. Actually, he can keep my name off his lips.
I will build and set MY OWN Table. Where I am welcome. Where I won't be disrespected. Where peace reigns.
I.WILL.NOT.BE.CONTROLLED
To find balance in this seriously unbalanced relationship (if it can be termed such), I need to pull back & focus on my own well-being and stand firm with my boundaries. My emotional safety, and my soul healing, are top priorities: living with a a narcissist is very draining. With all levels of being.
I've been busy all day dodging fiery darts, and getting Independence ready to roll; but I did find some time to make time for some cardio exercises - light cardio, but that's okay. Cardio is cardio:
The Step Back-Torso Twist exercise helps improve balance and overall lower body stability - and it's knee-friendly, making it a good option for those with knee issues.
This exercise also uses your obliques (internal and external), which are responsible for rotation, along with the rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis for general core stabilization. The erector spinae and quadratus lumborum in your lower back also engage to support the movement. This exercise also engages leg muscles like the hip flexors; & stabilizing muscles throughout the body may also be activated.
1 Minute Step Back-Torso Twist Workout :
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu8d6HrLfoU)
The Step Half Jacks is a low impact, full-body exercise, that engages a range of muscles, primarily in the legs and glutes (quadriceps, calves, glutes) and the core (abdominals and lower back), with the shoulders and arms also participating in the movement. This exercise is good for balance, stability, and cardiovascular health.
The muscles of the lower back include the erector spinae group (iliocostalis, longissimus, and spinalis), multifidus, and quadratus lumborum. These muscles work together to support the expand, rotate, & stabilize the spine - to maintain posture, and to enable activities such as bending, lifting, and walking.
I hope to be doing some walking, Friday sometime, in CA
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