I'LL PLANT MY OWN TREE; Ocean Park-WA

TBI is hard to live with - the mood swings and angry outbursts are tiring and draining.

PTSD is hard to live with, & when compounded by TBI fallout … life can become very hard in a very short period of time.

Holland suffers bouts of TBI combined with PTSD; his injury happened when he was a very young child growing up in a highly dysfunctional and violent home - his older brother smacked him extremely hard in the head, with a baseball bat: sibling rivalry was always out of control in the redmill family network (father, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins...). TBI is not something that can  be cured - it is permanent; and fallout is unpredictable. And, due to the dysfunctional family - both sides of the tree; he was forced at age 14 into premature adulthood, living on his own = additional trauma. Basically there were no mature adults in his life from beginning to end. He has trust, and self-worth issues. He has an over-inflated ego, and a fixation on controlling everything and everyone in his immediate surroundings.

My PTSD issues started when when I was a young child growing up in a highly dysfunctional and violent home. Because I was eventually loved unconditionally, I was able to rise above it and live a very happy life in a very happy marriage for 44 years … but it came to the forefront of my life again when my first Husband, Bob's body, died in the winter of 2018: it was further set into motion with my children's viciously angry abandonment following, which led to a sudden and malicious separation from my beloved grandchildren. I did manage to side-line it as I began to grow into a new life, throughout 2019 - 2023. Before I remarried, I was just coming into my own as a solo lobo feeling competent and secure in who I am - I was beginning to think I could trust some people, and was adding new friends to my very small circle of close friends; my PTSD symptoms had been pretty much put to rest. I was gaining confidence through self-love~self-care; I was feeling happy and worthy of the space I was taking up in the cycle of Life.

But my new husband is a secret keeper due to his familial dysfunctions, and I was not aware of his TBI until we were married and I was getting a first-hand experience of his abrasive mood swings and sudden angry outbursts. He is always sorry afterwards … but the things said and done during those melt-downs are hard to get past even after forgiving.

Wednesday he went too far.

Forgiveness will not cancel the overstep - for that to be laid to rest, he will need to seek Elohim's intervention. Trust has irrevocably been broken, as far as I am concerned.

I find that I cannot trust my new husband's love for me: love does not continually, & selfishly chip away at happiness; or make one feel worthless in relationship hierarchy. A husband should be his wife's safe place: I do not feel that in this marriage. I do not feel that he values my place in his life at all. I do not feel that his presence in my Life … or in this marriage … offers a sanctuary for my heart to rest. There is too much familial drama on his end; and he glories in the crazy train ride. There is too much distancing - concerning everything a normal marriage shares (in normal marriages spouses strive to make a prominent space for each other in their life; are privy to their partner's immediate information, like who their doctors are - especially in cases like Holland's COPD; decisions concerning financial decisions; vacation plans; ect.). But in this seriously warped marriage - his siblings, SIL, & friends hold too much sway in decisions that should only be shared, and decided, between the 2 of us. And there is too much need to have ultimate control over me - this I cannot have, will not tolerate, and refuse to submit to.

So, now he is isolating me from people, thinking that will bring me to heel; but, I am not a dog. Holland may consider all women bitches … but he will find it very hard indeed to break this "bitch". I have teeth - and I am not afraid to show them.

This past Wednesday's actions and outburst is going to be very hard to move on from. Aside from the blatant seize of absolute control & defining change of direction concerning a decision we had agreed on before leaving home; Holland  angrily cut me off from in-law-relatives he knows are close to my heart: 2 of his cousins were friends of mine before I even met him; and 1, I met last year on our road tripping; the rest I don't care for, so the spitefulness in that instance of forced isolation is meaningless. Intending to have his way; all the time, about everything, He continues to try to bully me … but I refuse to be controlled.

I've had enough of these childish tirades and cave man tactics.

I am taking space from this marriage that is more like a battlefield than a marriage.

I woke up this morning with this song from Valley of the Dolls running through my thoughts …

So, I looked up 🧐 the lyrics:

I'll Plant My Own Tree song lyrics

I’ll plant my own tree, and I’ll make it grow

My tree will not be just one in a row

My tree will offer shade when strangers go by;

If you’re a stranger, brother - well, so am I!

Come tomorrow, all that I see is my tree.

Oh, lord. What a sight!

Let someone stop me, and I will put up a fight!

It’s my yard, so I will try hard to welcome friends, I have yet to know.

Oh, I’ll plant my own tree!

My own tree … and I’ll make it grow!

I live every day moment-to-moment; but lately the needle seems stuck in the same groove 😟🤦🏻‍♀️- and it gets tiring 😒 to hear the same thing over and over and over, again 🙄

I'm doing the best I know to do ☝️✝️🕊️, while hoping and 🙏 the needle will move. Soon.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a common condition that can develop after a traumatic event. It involves symptoms like flashbacks of traumatic events, anxiety fallout in similar situations (like angry shouting, bullying control maneuvers, closed areas with no visible escape routes, ect), a false sense of inadequacy under pressurized circumstances (like angry shouting, bullying control maneuvers, unwarranted silent treatment, & a punishing withdrawal abandonment - even for a brief period of time), avoiding situations, places and activities related to the traumatic event (very difficult to do at this moment, in this living situation).

Holland, in his TBI black moods, trips my dormant PTSD with his loud and angry shouting, and his childish, punishing silent treatments. His need to be in control, and control me, has soured an otherwise good marriage. And at this point, I'm not sure it can be salvaged.

I stay because I live my Life in obedience to Elohim's Will: He literally placed this damaged man in my Life, and short of being a convenient booty call, I will be a wife in obedience to Elohim's Will for my Life.

If Holland wants a full-on Wife, then he needs to become a full-on Husband.

My relationship with Elohim & Yeshua; and my Blogging & FB connections with friends, are my saving grace. The main treatment for PTSD is talk therapy.  But my husband does not talk with me - when he is not shouting at me, he talks at me, and around me … but he does not engage in meaningful talk with me. And I cannot talk with my husband. At any time; about anything. Any convo with Holland at all, revolves solely around him, his needs, his wants, and his directives. Period.

It's very hard to live with.

So, I have made the decision to distance myself from the constant non-stop turmoil Holland surrounds himself in, and with.

Living on borrowed time, as I am with asthma and angina complications; I don't have time to waste.

I am not going to be making time for any more chipping away - I'm going to plant my own tree … and watch it grow. Holland can join me under it's shade - or he can continue to throw shade my way. But I am going to make the most of what is left of my Life and enjoy it: with, or without, him in it: the choice is his.

First thing I did this  morning when I got downstairs, was to open the front door - wide, and air the house; stale air is not good for the brain cells or the lungs. Holland, upstairs in bed, would be warm enough under the blankets. I wanted fresh air  in my immediate environment. The door was open for about an hour.

Holland, when he woke up and drank his mug of coffee, immediately left; without a word of where he was going - again, this is typical redmill men behavior. Common courtesy never crosses their minds, and their women "don't need to know" where they are going, why they are going, who .. or where, they are going to. I've reached the point in this toxic relationship, that I really don't care anymore; he was gone for a couple hours, and the house was blessedly peaceful and quiet.

I listened to some music, watched a Congressional hearing, did a little knitting - and made a quick and easy Supper:

VAL'S 4PATRIOTS ALFREDO w-CHICKEN Recipe; Ocean Park-WA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/06/vals-4patriots-alfredo-w-chicken-recipe.html)

Nothing, and no one, is going to stop me from finding peaceful moments in my days.

WHERE IT ENDS; Woodland-WA

Holland isn't getting his divorce … but he is getting his separation.

Yesterday afternoon, coming back from Vancouver-WA, he actually tried to force me to choose between vineyard & Yeshua (Jesus).

There is NO CHOICE - YESHUA WINS, HANDS DOWN

Holland believes all you have to do for salvation is claim salvation.

No repentance is required.

No change of behavior is necessary.

No proclamation of Yeshua (Jesus) is forthcoming.

I believe that when you ask Yeshua (Jesus) to be Lord of your Life, you also ask for His forgiveness ("there is therefore no salvation without repentance "~Luke 13:3); a heart that is steeled in rebellion against God cannot savingly believe: it must first be broken. Brokenness comes when one recognizes the sin they are in and cries out for salvation. Holland doesn't believe he has anything to repent.

I believe when one gets saved, they actively set about changing their lifestyle behaviors - Holland does not believe salvation includes change 😟

Holland does not believe he needs to be sharing the Good News of Yeshua (Jesus) with his friends, and family members (strangers yes - intimate people, no) … saying, "what they believe is their business".

Yes … and no: IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE (Yeshua/Jesus or me), you enthusiastically tell everyone you know about your relationship with them! Holland kept me a secret from his friends for m.o.n.t.h.s., until I told him that offended me - and now he is telling me he doesn't even mention his claim of Christianity to any of them! He doesn't talk about Jesus to them because they "will be offended".

Holland also believes there are many ways to Heaven.

So, I asked him, "So, you think it's okay to claim Yeshua (Jesus) and also practice other religious activities … like praying to idols; practice Hare Krishna rituals, Buddhism, Hinduism (includes bali practices); do you honestly believe it is okay to claim Christianity while whoring around, getting drop-down drunk, stoned out of your mind, setting up a beer bar in a church foyer??? The hellish vineyard doctrine may allow for {witches for jesus} & {strippers for jesus} 😡 ..."

BUT ELOHIM'S (God's) WORD, & YESHUA (Jesus), DOES NOT ALLOW FOR ANY OF THAT.

He said, "Well I don't agree with that - you're a hater, Val: everyone does not believe what you believe."

I just stared at him for 2 heartbeats. I couldn't believe what he just said - by calling me {"a hater" = New World Order Code Word for "Christian"} he basically demanded that I choose between his vineyard mindset, or Yeshua.

It became abundantly clear that he is not a Christian: he is religious to a fault … and he knows what the Bible says (he's read through several cover to cover), but he does NOT KNOW what the passages SAY (he's spiritually dead), and he is not in ANY WAY a Christian; and that's why we keep butting heads.

So.

Scripture allows that if a Christian (moi) is married to a nonbeliever (Holland), and that nonbeliever wants a separation - a separation is admissible.

According to 1 Corinthians 7:10-17 in the King James Version of the Bible, if an unbelieving spouse wants to separate from a Christian spouse, the Christian should let them go and not feel enslaved; 1 Corinthians 7:15: "If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace". 

Separated is still married, but knowing now how Holland feels about making 150 thousand excuses for sin (notably the ones listed above), I'm pretty sure he'll end up with his divorce too. He won't be able to help himself.

Normally I would not agree to a separation, but in this case, I have no choice. Until yesterday I had hope; now I know that unless he actually gets saved and baptized with the Holy Spirit, there is no hope of peace in our home together.

Independence will be sprung from the repair shop hopefully by the end of this month; and put up for sale. This morning, I've put feelers out for a solo lobo rental, and looking for a compact car to buy outright.

LIVING WITH GRIEF TRIGGERS

November 14th: I'm sick of the specter of Death.

Holland and I are both living with death triggers - his are longer than mine, but they are still there; he's been grieving death losses for at least two decades … could be longer, as his nephew is in his mid-20's now. My death triggers started the Fall of 2018 - and for a while, after Holland came into my life, they subsided while I basked in newfound happiness.

But that happiness has been shattered; my life is a  mess again … and the triggers have started firing fresh rounds.

Holland has shared his grief losses with me: Steve (brother, dead), one of his pastors, Ruth (mother, dead), Tammy (sister, dead), his father (dead), Rick (brother, dead) - as well as people that are slowly dying, which is a whole other level of grief: Lana dying (SIL), Mark dying (brother), and one of his pals, Cal dying (supposedly). There have been several relative deaths too, but these are the ones closest to his heart that he misses the most.

I've only felt three serious grief losses: Tim, my cousin; we were close, more like siblings: Doug, an old boyfriend; who was also a lifelong friend … and Bob, my first husband; the love of my life until Holland came into my life 2 years ago.

I don't know what season(s) Holland's grief losses happened, but I do know that he still grieves. Deeply.

I have mentioned before that Holland has worked, and lived, in pretty much every State across the USA; and as I've learned - so have the people mentioned above. Every State we travel through has a life story connected to it … and Holland is right back in that moment in time, reliving the story; and the loss.

All of my grief losses happened in the Fall and Winter months.

These months are always hard ones for me to get through. Tim died 49 years ago. Doug died 27 years ago … and Bob passed into Glory almost 5 years ago (December 14th, will be the 5 year mark).

It took me y.e.a.r.s. to get past the pain of losing Bob.

By the time Holland became a permanent fixture in my life (10 months ago), I was settling into my Solo Lobo life - the tears weren't choking me anymore and I could breathe without my chest squeezing at the thought of life without Bob; I was still grieving the loss … but  on a different level: I was healing. I was moving forward without my knees buckling. I was allowing old and new friends into my small inner circle. I was making it a point to eat in a sit-down restaurant one day, every week - forcing myself to feel comfortable with the vacant seat across from me. I was Daytripping far and wide, broadening my comfort zone. I was building a Solo Lobo life.

I grieved hard for the first three years of widowhood.

Then, in the Fall of 2022, I surprised myself by enjoying newfound happiness and love, with Holland. We'd know each other for about 18 months at this point, so a quick dating cycle and subsequent remarriage for both of us (Holland had been divorced for decades) seemed the natural course of action - it didn't seem that quick. We both felt we had known each other all our lives. We were happy. We were in love. We were building a Life together.

But Grief is a tricky imp: he doesn't always show himself to play tormenting games with our limping emotions … but all those feelings are still there; they may not be as intense as there used to be (thank The Lord!), but they lie just a hair's breath beneath the surface - waiting to spring with a stinging vengeance when triggered.

They blossom anew, and are felt just as intensely as the day they came into our lives to stay as reminders of a face and a love we'll never enjoy seeing or feeling again.

This week has been a very hard one.

I don't know what Holland is going through because he doesn't talk with me - he will talk at me, but he doesn't talk with me: he doesn't share anything with me unless it's grief related. He will talk with Mark, Lana, and Cal for hours about anything and everything … but he doesn't talk with me about anything and everything - unless it's to mention to me some bitching he's done with Lana, and by then he's been so hyped up by the shared bitching, that he's in fight mode: snappiness between us is the usual fallout. He doesn't realize that, doesn't want to hear that; and I've given up hoping the situation will change. Before and after his conversations with Mark, he's feeling guilty for being here with me - instead of back in WA; he's afraid Mark will die before he gets to spend face-time with him, again. Cal is a different story altogether, and any mention of that small-minded little man is sure fire way to verbal warfare. Cal is domineering, and intrusive, and I really do not understand why Holland considers him a "friend": since Day One of our marriage, Cal has been in our business, blowing Holland's phone up with calls, texts, and missed messages … and now he's started to harass my phone with texts and missed calls: I do not like him. At all.

These three people are what the arguments are mainly about; and they are destroying US.

Presently, Holland has separated himself from me: we occupy the same living space … but we are world's apart.

Holland is caught up in the grief surrounding afore mentioned people.

I am trying to come to terms with the loss of Holland - he's still my husband, but he has removed himself from my small inner circle: this is a grief I am not familiar with, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. The constant uncertainty keeps me on a constant emotional roller coaster - constantly feeling overwhelmed.

When I am stressed, I withdraw.

I basically shut down: and a Wall goes up.

 However, Life continues marching forward, and I have to engage in life again, at some point. Engaging means letting the Wall down … when the Wall come down, even the barest fraction, pent up tears are released; and the tears trigger dormant grief.

It is the middle of November.

The middle of November harbors painful memories for me.

For a brief time last November, there were no tears.

This November, there are tears aplenty. The unexpected grief loss shock of being told by Holland that he "needs a break" from our 10-month marriage (to his way of thinking, his "obligations" to the Past, trump any presence I thought I had in his Present, and the Future he promised me), has triggered painful memories of doctors in 2018, telling me Bob was dying. The circumstances and situations are vastly different of course, but the gut wrench is the same intensity.

I have lost … and am losing … each husband to things that have gotten out of control.

Death is death, and grief is grief - no matter the circumstances and situation.

The raw grief of losing two husbands in the same month, in such a short period of time; is how I found myself lying in bed, alone, feeling a huge knot form in my stomach and crying my heart and soul out at 2 A.M. this morning … and drinking coffee at the dining table, at 4 A.M.; eventually getting my hands busy with designing and crafting another Angel Baby Blanket.

Alvin Lee - 'Blues Has Got A Hold On Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUa-Ro4e0Ts)

 

Beautiful sunrise, this morning.

So pretty …

Pink clouds means a a pleasant start to the Day; that's an encouraging thought.

Breakfast; half grapefruit & half orange … very sweet, less acidic than pure grapefruits.

MOD Angel Baby Blanket; started A.M.

I understand that working on Angel Baby Blankets is a grief-related activity, but it is an activity that has a productive purpose: it is busy activity that will relax me and calm my thoughts - and it is an activity that will give some solace to hurting parents.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to be hopeful.

I'm trying like hell to understand the grief cycle he's caught up, in.

But I don't think I can be supportive with his destructive behavior: it's hurtful to him, and it's definitely hurtful to me.

My heart hurts.

My head aches.

 My eyes burn.

And I'm finding it hard to breathe easy.

What is happening here in Yuma, between Holland and I, is not a peace generating thing; he has stirred up chaos and heartache. He has tripped grief triggers for me, that will be hard to tame, again.

I don't know how long Holland will allow Death and Grief to rule his life: I don't know how he can justify willingly hurting me to satisfy his need to please himself. I don't know how he can continue deluding himself that he is a "good Christian man" when he is acting like a worldly heel - he is not standing by me, treating me well, or loving me as "Christ loves His Own".

But, for myself, I want to LIVE a full Life while I am still breathing; I am not going to entertain (or whip into an emotional firestorm) Grief.

I'm going to watch sunrises and sunsets. I'm going to continue exploring, and having fun adventures. I'm going to savor tasty delights. I'm going to enjoy friendships, and have conversations that are not one-sided. I'm going to paint my nails in bold and bright colors.

I'm going to consciously tamp down the grief triggers so they are once again manageable memories instead of searing inferno's that suck the oxygen out of the room.

ABB finished 9 P.M. 15 in x 15 in.

And I'm going to continue trusting Elohim for the love He promised me.

I'm sick of the specter of Death.

MEXICAN STANDOFF IN YUMA~AZ

How can things go so bad so quickly?

Stubborn ego - that's how.

There's a lot of narcissistic testosterone floating through the air lately.

Ten and a half months ago, it all started out so lovely before it went seriously sideways …

Holland said that as soon as I walked through the door (the Fall of 2021), he knew I was the woman in the vision Elohim gave him 35 years ago. He watched  me for 15 months before he got up the nerve to openly flirt with me; he was a bundle of nerves when he finally asked me out for a coffee date.

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

He knew the subdued ME that was trying to find solid footing on unstable Widow ground. He also knew I had a temper because he'd seen it on display (in a controlled outburst) when I was crowded by people I didn't like on principle. He said, "You're spicy - I like that." I said, "I'm holding back; I don't like when the fight comes out in me - I avoid people that bring it out." He said, "You always look good; you have style." I said, "I don't always look like this; I'm low-key around the house." He said, "I love you, and we're going to be married." I laughed and said, "Slow down cowboy; you don't know me." He said, "I've known about you most of my life (then he told me about his 35 year old vision): you will be my wife." I said, "Hmm": then I added, just to make sure he knew, before he bit off more than he could chew, "you don't really know me, Holland. I'm a handful. I'll make you mad without even trying - I won't mean to, but it will happen. I'm too much for most people. I am a handful." He said, "I'll risk it; I love you, no matter what. God showed you to me in a vision. I've been waiting most of my life for you to show up; this thing between us is a God-Thing, and you'll get used to the idea of me … we're going to get married."

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

We had known each other for 18 months before we started building a life together. We were friends - good, quick and fast friends. It was an easy friendship; we both felt as though we had known each other all of our lives - there was no awkwardness.

The awkwardness is new.

In the NOW.

So, now when he starts with the snarky hookin' and jabbin' - I remind him that I'm God's gift to him, and that he once thought my {spiciness} was cute. I remind him that I told him I don't get dolled up to sit around the house all day … and that I had seriously warned him that I could unintentionally be a handful - I get bored quickly. I need to be engaged in some sort of activity (If I'm not road tripping, I'm walking miles … or crafting); I can't sit on my hands all day long with a pasted smile on my bored face!

And I for sure do not let a man bulldoze, or ramrod, me.

It's not my fault that he didn't pay attention to my seriously spoken warning.

And, in all fairness, I will admit that once Elohim opened my eyes and made clear to me that Holland was hand-picked by Himself to be in my life (I truly had no plans of my own to have a new man in my life; and actually fought against it); I had started watching Holland too, to pick up on more of his character. I am careful with who I allow into my life. Holland seemed like an alright guy: he appeared to be a safe inclusion - someone I wouldn't mind sharing my space with, so I allowed love to take root in my heart. He is a big man: very tall, and kinda hefty (which I don't mind) - I love him, no matter what size he is. He seemed kinda quiet and reserved. He was actively involved in doing things. He laughed.

I had been watching him … but I didn't really know him.

He is self-conscious about his size, and it makes him nervous … but not nervous enough to cut down on the nervous snacking (his medications also have a lot to do with all of this, but he won't acknowledge that fact: he refuses to consider alternative medications). He's not at all quiet and reserved - he's rather stubbornly opinionated and passive-aggressively dominating (meaning he wants it quietly understood he is the man of the house; and expects that his wishes and will, will be what happens): I am not okay with this mindset; I tend to get {spicy}, and he now doesn't think the spiciness is cute - it irritates the hell out of him and he gets snappy, which irritates the hell out of me. He finally married me … and promptly stopped being actively involved in doing things; and gets annoyed if I want to get out of the house (I did warn him that I like to be on the go) - I specifically made a  point of making this clear to him … he said he understood (I realize now that he was only placating me). MPO is that vehicles are meant to be used, not to sit in the driveway! Holland doesn't see things that way - his idea of using a vehicle is to get to work and back, or to get to the grocery store and back: period. He likes to keep his vehicles in mint condition - I like to use vehicles to their full potential - and I'm not going to constantly feel guilty for closing the pickup door harder than he feels "necessary". I miss that infectious laugh of his; I haven't heard him laugh lately.

I didn't know much about Holland when we married, because like most dating couples, people are putting their best foot forward.

I now understand that he was reared in a male-dominated family circle that kept their women in check (it's okay to get mouthy (aka: 'spicy'); so long as you always do what the man says anyway); and he expects me to fall in line, too. Knowing me like I do, I can pretty much assure him that is not going to be happening in our life together.

My idea of a good marriage is that WE are a TEAM: we pull together, as equals - respectfully. Compromise is the oil that will keep the team wagon moving forward smoothly, without too much clanging or squeaking. Compromise means discussing things together and coming to a unified decision before finalizing decisions that will affect the Team. Ramrodding is for herding: I'm not a mindless animal, and I don't take kindly to being herded.

So, currently we are in a "mexican standoff" showdown.

Holland is engaging in behavior he has been exposed to - handed down from his grandfather … and displayed by all the Redmill men.

I grew up as a free spirit, and I'm being my spicy self (with brakes applied, because I don't want to seriously fight with my husband) when pushed too hard to accept what I will never accept.

People don't really have a full comprehension of what thier "ideal partner" is all about, until they spend 24/7/365 with them.

And that's okay in newlywed situations, under normal circumstances - it's called getting to know each other; and most people transition at some point. Holland is not interested in transitioning. He bucks change at every turn (he expects me to change, but doesn't see the necessity of himself meeting me in the middle: at any point. As a result, I tend to get "spicy").

54 days to our 1st Year Anniversary … will we cross into the New Year as a unified Team, or as disillusioned combatants: will we continue to travel, or be parked long-term in an RV Park (please God - NO!) that is the Million $ Question … and Holland's outlook on marriage, in general, is the solution :-(

My question is this: IF Holland knew who I was based on what he says "God revealed" to him … how can he now be so annoyed and surprised with who I am? And why is he not bending to Elohim's Plan by at least meeting me halfway as a Team Player?

IMPERIAL NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE~Yuma-AZ

Imperial National Wildlife Refuge: https://www.fws.gov/refuge/imperial

November 7th: Today I woke up a Plan - I would be striking out on my first solo 4x adventure :-)

I'm married … but currently, I'm not; I'm a wife … but currently, I'm not.

Holland isn't chasing skirt … but he IS a narcissist; and that's hard to live with. Only Elohim can change that, but Holland isn't accepting change from anyone.

Lauren Spencer Smith - 'Narcissist' Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9tJnU9tH7s)

I'm a curious traveler: that I can do.

Adventuring is why I'm now in Arizona: I intend to see Arizona.

The day did not pass in a blur.

I stopped, and took pictures, whenever & wherever I wanted to: there was no rush to get back home.

Solo Lobo today …

Today's adventure destination: Imperial National Wildlife Refuge, Yuma-AZ from Del Pueblo RV Resort, Yuma-AZ; 52 min (40.9 mi) via US-95 N

I'm not a 'sit-at-home-&-cry' gal; I'm a mover and a shaker.

Sir Douglas Quintet - "She's About A Mover":  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqt5G1UDOV8)

I'll be sightseeing & enjoying the Day.

Most of the road was familiar - it was the highway we'd taken from Quartzsite-AZ, to here - Yuma, AZ.

I stopped and gawked at sights I've been curious about, but never got the chance to pull over and contemplate; I was solo lobo today, and I was "wasting time", with no apologies being issued.

I took pictures, and researched them later.

I was in my element … and thoroughly enjoying every minute.

A quick reroute …

McPhaul Bridge: suspension bridge over the Gila River~Yuma.

AZYuma's Bridge To Nowhere: 

(https://azdot.gov/blog-article/yumas-bridge-nowhere)

'Pause, Rest, Worship' Church~Dome Valley, AZ.

Spousal Love Immortalized:  (https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona-best-reads/2019/05/12/pause-rest-worship-chapel-highway-outside-yuma-offers-retreat-loren-cecil-pratt/3642615002/)

US Army Proving Grounds~Yuma, AZ

The Imperial National Wildlife Refuge is an Army Corps Recreational Area, and a bit past the Army Proving Grounds sign; the drive along  Martinez Lake Road is new territory.

I like the adventure that comes with new territory :-)

About 10 miles into the newness, I hung a right onto Redcloud Road … and entered a whole new environment.

I love the adrenaline rush of wide-open-spaces freedom and exploration ;-)

Martinez Lake Road from US Army Proving Grounds~Yuma, AZ; 11 min (5.7 mi)

The 'Proving Grounds' air space & hangers; Martinez Lake Road~Yuma, AZ

Fisher's Landing~Yuma, AZ

Boondocking both sides of the highway: I panned quickly because it was hot … this is rattlesnake country, and Bleu was playing Curious George everywhere.

This is nice …

Cattle Guards - they can't be avoided.

A pretty, upgraded, 'adobe'.

I finally found the Refuge, let Bleu out to relieve himself, and I located the Visitor's Center/Museum that was hosted by a very friendly fella full of local information. We touched on a lot of topics that included the present location, where we were from & what brought us here, and I asked a lot of questions about the 'Painted Desert' area I was planning to sight-see.

I was told I might see some wild burro's - and I was hoping: but I never saw them. The original burro's came to America with the Spanish Conquistadors ... later gold miner's used them, and when they didn't make good on thier claims, they just turned them loose in the desert where they enjoyed themselves and grew in numbers. There are supposed to be a herd of 200 on the Refuge, and they have worn  obvious trails through the desert.

We must have talked for at least half an hour - I would have enjoyed talking more, but Bleu was in the truck (no pets allowed inside).

The guy said there was a parking lot with a 'pit toilet' at the Painted Desert Trailhead … and I thought, 'No. I do not want to encounter a rattlesnake in a desert toilet in the middle of nowhere'; so I used the toilet at the Visitor's Center before driving away ;-)

Imperial National Wildlife Refuge from Martinez Lake Road; 16 min (9.7 mi)

Finally made the Wildlife Refuge.

Off blacktop, towards the Visitor's Center.

Visitor's Center Entrance.

No way! 5 mph is too fast on this warped road.

A Time Capsule near the center entrance … I wonder what's in there (railing shadow; sorry).

Wulfenite is found in oxidized areas of lead-bearing deposits throughout Arizona, especially in Pima, La Paz, Maricopa, and Gila counties; Wulfenite is Arizona's State Mineral. Wulfenite is named in honor of Austrian mineralogist Franz Xavier von Wulfen (1728-1805):  (https://www.geologyin.com/2023/04/wulfenite-facts-and-infromation.html)

This finned beluga looking fish is a Humpback Chub; this fish can live up to 30 years in the wild and has genetic traits that keep it stable in turbulent water. This minnow is not considered tasty, and was referred to as a “trash fish” by early settlers. As it grows, the creek chub will travel away from its known territory and engage in aggressive behavior with other members of the species. It will enlarge its mouth and widen its fins as well as head butt others of the species to protect its territory.

Humpback Chub: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpback_chub)

There are 13 species of rattlesnakes in Arizona. More than any other state, so we are in the hot spot for rattlesnakes. March through October is considered rattlesnake season in Arizona.

Rattlesnakes - 5 Ways To Avoid Grim Death:  (https://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/rattlesnake-season-in-arizona-five-ways-to-avoid-grim-death-6665218)

Mountain Lions prowl a wide range of Arizona habitats, from Sonoran Desert canyons to Alpine forests; and everywhere in between. A lion's home range in Arizona is up to 150 miles and transient animals may occasionally use state park property to exploit abundant prey.

Mountain Lions: 

(https://www.fs.usda.gov/detail/coronado/recreation/?cid=stelprdb5347377)

The Gila monster is a species of venomous lizard native to the Southwestern United States and the northwestern Mexican state of Sonora. Gila monster venom is about as toxic as that of a western diamondback rattlesnake. However, a relatively small amount of venom is introduced in a Gila bite. Gila monsters may hold onto a predator for more than ten minutes. There is no antivenin for Gila bites.

Gila Monster: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gila_monster)

Roadrunner birds are large cuckoos with a distinctive shape. Roadrunners can survive in the desert, outrun a human, and beat rattlesnakes to death. Seldom seen and under-appreciated, they're a bird worth getting to know.

Road Runner Bird:  (https://www.desertmuseum.org/books/nhsd_roadrunner_new.php#:~:text=Distinguishing%20features,15%20mph)%20and%20rarely%20flies.)

The Visitor Center fella was informative as well as friendly.

Jumping Cholla. Yes, a jumping cactus; keep friends, children and pets at least 3 feet away from this plant monster at all times (the 4x tires were maybe 18 inches away).

Sneaky Jumping Cholla. Cactus Attack!: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=379z9-LYu2s & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD6m8vmH2Lg)

Backtracking from the Visitor's Center, I turned left, onto the 'Painted Desert' road. The desert dust is powdery - like baby powder quality softness, and the gravel has sunk so far into the powder that it's lost it's traction.

I never went over 5 mph. while in 4H during the drive: never more than 5 mph, which was a good thing because the road was terrible wash-board type.

I am going to drive to the Painted Desert Trailhead …

Solo Lobo Adventure.

The desert landscape appeals to me.

Adventure waits for me through that passage …

Very fresh burro 'sign'; they are here. Somewhere.

The desert dust was very fine - and Beast Betsy is very heavy.

A little humor helps in a dicey situation.

Passing this viewpoint up; can't afford riskiness.

I relied on the things Holland had taught me; moved forward.

Burro trails …

My vacant husbands continue to teach me Life Skills ;-)

Arizona's Bush Morning Glory plant is drought tolerant, although it does need some additional water in the desert.

There are no knights in shining armor around these parts …

I kept inching forward - I was afraid to try turning around, off road, in the powdery soft desert landscape. Staying on the rough and mushy roadway seemed to be the best course of action - given the circumstances.

I kept praying the parking lot would show up soon: it did :-)

I had my adventure; but had to break out the inhaler when my lungs started complaining about the kicked up dust.

On my adventure, I saw a few little birds and a couple dragonflies on the wing … but, no burros; wild or otherwise.

I didn't see the river, which was really the whole purpose of choosing this particular sight-see :-(

I saw advertising for ATV rentals - but Holland is being an ass. So, that's that.

I had seen a sign pointing in the general direction of food … so, when I saw it again, I pulled off the road and pulled up the Rio Lobo location (and menu, too), and decided to pass: I want authentic mexican food, not tourist trap crap.

I can make a grilled cheese sandwich at home.

Maybe I'll take a daytrip to the Imperial Dam - I want to see the Colorado River; and if going to the dam is the only way to get that Bucket List check … that's what I'll do ;-)

Nope; passing this viewpoint up, too.

Pulling on every driving memory my husbands have given me.

Deep powder & washboard gravel; not easy travel.

THIS makes it all worthwhile; the painted desert landscape.

Elohim provided an 'Indiana Messenger' ;-)

Bleu was glad to see the parking lot, too. Poor little fella.

1-1/2 mi. round loop; I wanted to so badly, but Bleu was not up to it. It was hot & he has a double-haired coat.

The turning point … decision time.

Curiosity … and stubborn determination; a monkey-jar risk.

Tried to reach Holland … he wasn't answering.

Called it a day, here.

Enough adventurous excitement for the day.

A strange happening with Beast Betsy …

Caught up with the Indiana Messenger.

Thanking Elohim for the men in my life; knowledge.

I had to break out the inhaler … the dust played havoc with my lungs.

Blacktop - HALLELUJAH!

Concentrate on the silver linings of life's black clouds.

Back over the cattle guards …

Holland has been wanting to rent some UTV's - but we aren't talking; so, that's that.

The Colorado River is still a 'want'; maybe the Dam is the answer.

A passing thought; the online menu shelfed that idea.

When I got back home, I mentioned the steering wheel jerk (half the truck belongs to him, too, he has a right to be in the loop), and Holland said it's possible I ran over a rock under all the powder; and that would have made the steering wheel jerk.

I'm hoping that's all it was: we have enough problems to deal with, at the moment.

Now, I'm heading of to bed where the sandman's hearty prods will probably be shrugged off for a bit, when my thoughts get caught up plotting my next adventure ;-)

No reason to stick around is a good reason to GO …