Holland wants to have his friend Tim, in Kelso work on Beast Betsy - and he wants to rent me a car, so I can go visit my friends: it's a nice thought to assuage his guilt … but, I can't go visit my friends. They will ask me how I am doing: and I will be ashamed to tell them that my life is in shreds being bound to a godless man, who tricked me with catfishing tactics; so that I am now stuck with a man that does not honor Elohim and does not honor me. I am ashamed & I do not want to break down crying in front of them. Homes are sanctuaries - I do not want to bring troubling vibes to their homes just because they love & miss me, I love & miss them, and I want to escape for a few hours the troubling vibes in my own home.
Yeshua is the only friend I can truly turn to & talk with, now.
Emotionally, I am right back where I was 6 years ago.
I never could understand how women ended up with men who treated them shabbily. I also thought they were pretty stupid women. But, now I know they may not be as stupid, or a needy, as assumed (I certainly do not consider myself a stupid woman, & neither am I desperate for a man in my Life) … and I am learning that untying the ties that bind, is not as simple as some think: me, included.
Holland thinks it's simple. His family - both sides of the tree; have untied marital ties more often than they untie thier shoe lace knots.
His friends also marry and divorce as easily as cutting through soft butter,
None of them are Christians. Bad company corrupts morals, & I am realizing more and more every day, just how far my husband is from Christianity - the understanding, the context, and the lifestyle. He doesn't even attempt to hide that fact anymore.
I am a Christian. Divorce - aside from adultery - is not an option to an unbalanced marriage.
Separation is an option. So, we are separated. I struggled with separation for quite awhile, every time Holland brought it up … but now, I see that it's a necessity; so, we finally agree on something. I don't hate Holland - I just cannot walk alongside him as wife anymore, the way things stand between us. I have never allowed anyone to disrespect me; Holland is no exception. I have never eaten dust, at the end of a long line before; this crazy marriage according to Holland's way of thinking, is no exception. I've never been assigned subjugation status before; this husband is no exception. I've never been in a situation where Elohim is not allowed into my living space; Holland's presence is no exception. I've never been made to feel lonely in a relationship before; being joined with this husband, is no exception.
If I am going to have to be alone while he traipses after family and friends … I may as well be alone. At least when I am alone, Yeshua is with me & Elohim is welcomed into my living space: I am not lonely. With Holland, I am lonely because there is no place for me in his life - his life is full of people that do not welcome me. They do not make place for Elohim, either. Wherever Holland is lately, is loneliness. Even if I occasionally laugh, it is understood that he would rather be anywhere but here. He feels crowded where there is light & love: he'd rather be where darkness and hate, lives and thrives. I don't want him bringing that mood home, when he decides to return.
So, separation is acceptable to both of us, & necessary for my well-being and a peaceful home.
It is true that the Scriptures encourage couples to work through difficulties and emphasizes the importance of commitment (Lord knows I've tried to work things out). Separation should not be taken lightly (I'm not), and reconciliation is often presented as the ideal outcome (truth; also true is that Life is not always ideal; it takes 2 to make a marriage work).
However, while the Scriptures promote unity - it is also understood that separation may occur due to serious issues. In such circumstances, it is essential to seek Elohim's guidance, Yeshua's example in all things, and the Ruach HaKo'desh's wisdom: always pointing towards hope for a healing Restoration.
Scripture provide a framework for understanding marital separation from a Biblical perspective - and that, I can accept and work with:
Malachi 2:16: "For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and him who covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."
Matthew 19:6: "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
1 Corinthians 7:10-11: "To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife."
So, we are caught in a catch-22 situation. It is not a fun place to be.
Ephesians 5:31: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
My husband refuses to understand this - he'd rather label me a "hater" - that's okay, I know I'm not a hater. Elohim knows I'm not a hater; and Elohim knows what Holland is doing … and attempting to do.
1 Peter 3:7: "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."
People will always disappoint, hurt, and wound.
Elohim never disappoints.
Yeshua heals our wounds.
The Ruach HaKo'desh soothes our hurts with Elohim's Words of wisdom and leads us to the healing Waters of Yeshua's salvation.
