How can things go so bad so quickly?
Stubborn ego - that's how.
There's a lot of narcissistic testosterone floating through the air lately.
Ten and a half months ago, it all started out so lovely before it went seriously sideways …
Holland said that as soon as I walked through the door (the Fall of 2021), he knew I was the woman in the vision Elohim gave him 35 years ago. He watched me for 15 months before he got up the nerve to openly flirt with me; he was a bundle of nerves when he finally asked me out for a coffee date.
He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.
He knew the subdued ME that was trying to find solid footing on unstable Widow ground. He also knew I had a temper because he'd seen it on display (in a controlled outburst) when I was crowded by people I didn't like on principle. He said, "You're spicy - I like that." I said, "I'm holding back; I don't like when the fight comes out in me - I avoid people that bring it out." He said, "You always look good; you have style." I said, "I don't always look like this; I'm low-key around the house." He said, "I love you, and we're going to be married." I laughed and said, "Slow down cowboy; you don't know me." He said, "I've known about you most of my life (then he told me about his 35 year old vision): you will be my wife." I said, "Hmm": then I added, just to make sure he knew, before he bit off more than he could chew, "you don't really know me, Holland. I'm a handful. I'll make you mad without even trying - I won't mean to, but it will happen. I'm too much for most people. I am a handful." He said, "I'll risk it; I love you, no matter what. God showed you to me in a vision. I've been waiting most of my life for you to show up; this thing between us is a God-Thing, and you'll get used to the idea of me … we're going to get married."
He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.
We had known each other for 18 months before we started building a life together. We were friends - good, quick and fast friends. It was an easy friendship; we both felt as though we had known each other all of our lives - there was no awkwardness.
The awkwardness is new.
In the NOW.
So, now when he starts with the snarky hookin' and jabbin' - I remind him that I'm God's gift to him, and that he once thought my {spiciness} was cute. I remind him that I told him I don't get dolled up to sit around the house all day … and that I had seriously warned him that I could unintentionally be a handful - I get bored quickly. I need to be engaged in some sort of activity (If I'm not road tripping, I'm walking miles … or crafting); I can't sit on my hands all day long with a pasted smile on my bored face!
And I for sure do not let a man bulldoze, or ramrod, me.
It's not my fault that he didn't pay attention to my seriously spoken warning.
And, in all fairness, I will admit that once Elohim opened my eyes and made clear to me that Holland was hand-picked by Himself to be in my life (I truly had no plans of my own to have a new man in my life; and actually fought against it); I had started watching Holland too, to pick up on more of his character. I am careful with who I allow into my life. Holland seemed like an alright guy: he appeared to be a safe inclusion - someone I wouldn't mind sharing my space with, so I allowed love to take root in my heart. He is a big man: very tall, and kinda hefty (which I don't mind) - I love him, no matter what size he is. He seemed kinda quiet and reserved. He was actively involved in doing things. He laughed.
I had been watching him … but I didn't really know him.
He is self-conscious about his size, and it makes him nervous … but not nervous enough to cut down on the nervous snacking (his medications also have a lot to do with all of this, but he won't acknowledge that fact: he refuses to consider alternative medications). He's not at all quiet and reserved - he's rather stubbornly opinionated and passive-aggressively dominating (meaning he wants it quietly understood he is the man of the house; and expects that his wishes and will, will be what happens): I am not okay with this mindset; I tend to get {spicy}, and he now doesn't think the spiciness is cute - it irritates the hell out of him and he gets snappy, which irritates the hell out of me. He finally married me … and promptly stopped being actively involved in doing things; and gets annoyed if I want to get out of the house (I did warn him that I like to be on the go) - I specifically made a point of making this clear to him … he said he understood (I realize now that he was only placating me). MPO is that vehicles are meant to be used, not to sit in the driveway! Holland doesn't see things that way - his idea of using a vehicle is to get to work and back, or to get to the grocery store and back: period. He likes to keep his vehicles in mint condition - I like to use vehicles to their full potential - and I'm not going to constantly feel guilty for closing the pickup door harder than he feels "necessary". I miss that infectious laugh of his; I haven't heard him laugh lately.
I didn't know much about Holland when we married, because like most dating couples, people are putting their best foot forward.
I now understand that he was reared in a male-dominated family circle that kept their women in check (it's okay to get mouthy (aka: 'spicy'); so long as you always do what the man says anyway); and he expects me to fall in line, too. Knowing me like I do, I can pretty much assure him that is not going to be happening in our life together.
My idea of a good marriage is that WE are a TEAM: we pull together, as equals - respectfully. Compromise is the oil that will keep the team wagon moving forward smoothly, without too much clanging or squeaking. Compromise means discussing things together and coming to a unified decision before finalizing decisions that will affect the Team. Ramrodding is for herding: I'm not a mindless animal, and I don't take kindly to being herded.
So, currently we are in a "mexican standoff" showdown.
Holland is engaging in behavior he has been exposed to - handed down from his grandfather … and displayed by all the Redmill men.
I grew up as a free spirit, and I'm being my spicy self (with brakes applied, because I don't want to seriously fight with my husband) when pushed too hard to accept what I will never accept.
People don't really have a full comprehension of what thier "ideal partner" is all about, until they spend 24/7/365 with them.
And that's okay in newlywed situations, under normal circumstances - it's called getting to know each other; and most people transition at some point. Holland is not interested in transitioning. He bucks change at every turn (he expects me to change, but doesn't see the necessity of himself meeting me in the middle: at any point. As a result, I tend to get "spicy").
54 days to our 1st Year Anniversary … will we cross into the New Year as a unified Team, or as disillusioned combatants: will we continue to travel, or be parked long-term in an RV Park (please God - NO!) that is the Million $ Question … and Holland's outlook on marriage, in general, is the solution :-(
My question is this: IF Holland knew who I was based on what he says "God revealed" to him … how can he now be so annoyed and surprised with who I am? And why is he not bending to Elohim's Plan by at least meeting me halfway as a Team Player?
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