I'LL PLANT MY OWN TREE; Ocean Park-WA

TBI is hard to live with - the mood swings and angry outbursts are tiring and draining.

PTSD is hard to live with, & when compounded by TBI fallout … life can become very hard in a very short period of time.

Holland suffers bouts of TBI combined with PTSD; his injury happened when he was a very young child growing up in a highly dysfunctional and violent home - his older brother smacked him extremely hard in the head, with a baseball bat: sibling rivalry was always out of control in the redmill family network (father, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins...). TBI is not something that can  be cured - it is permanent; and fallout is unpredictable. And, due to the dysfunctional family - both sides of the tree; he was forced at age 14 into premature adulthood, living on his own = additional trauma. Basically there were no mature adults in his life from beginning to end. He has trust, and self-worth issues. He has an over-inflated ego, and a fixation on controlling everything and everyone in his immediate surroundings.

My PTSD issues started when when I was a young child growing up in a highly dysfunctional and violent home. Because I was eventually loved unconditionally, I was able to rise above it and live a very happy life in a very happy marriage for 44 years … but it came to the forefront of my life again when my first Husband, Bob's body, died in the winter of 2018: it was further set into motion with my children's viciously angry abandonment following, which led to a sudden and malicious separation from my beloved grandchildren. I did manage to side-line it as I began to grow into a new life, throughout 2019 - 2023. Before I remarried, I was just coming into my own as a solo lobo feeling competent and secure in who I am - I was beginning to think I could trust some people, and was adding new friends to my very small circle of close friends; my PTSD symptoms had been pretty much put to rest. I was gaining confidence through self-love~self-care; I was feeling happy and worthy of the space I was taking up in the cycle of Life.

But my new husband is a secret keeper due to his familial dysfunctions, and I was not aware of his TBI until we were married and I was getting a first-hand experience of his abrasive mood swings and sudden angry outbursts. He is always sorry afterwards … but the things said and done during those melt-downs are hard to get past even after forgiving.

Wednesday he went too far.

Forgiveness will not cancel the overstep - for that to be laid to rest, he will need to seek Elohim's intervention. Trust has irrevocably been broken, as far as I am concerned.

I find that I cannot trust my new husband's love for me: love does not continually, & selfishly chip away at happiness; or make one feel worthless in relationship hierarchy. A husband should be his wife's safe place: I do not feel that in this marriage. I do not feel that he values my place in his life at all. I do not feel that his presence in my Life … or in this marriage … offers a sanctuary for my heart to rest. There is too much familial drama on his end; and he glories in the crazy train ride. There is too much distancing - concerning everything a normal marriage shares (in normal marriages spouses strive to make a prominent space for each other in their life; are privy to their partner's immediate information, like who their doctors are - especially in cases like Holland's COPD; decisions concerning financial decisions; vacation plans; ect.). But in this seriously warped marriage - his siblings, SIL, & friends hold too much sway in decisions that should only be shared, and decided, between the 2 of us. And there is too much need to have ultimate control over me - this I cannot have, will not tolerate, and refuse to submit to.

So, now he is isolating me from people, thinking that will bring me to heel; but, I am not a dog. Holland may consider all women bitches … but he will find it very hard indeed to break this "bitch". I have teeth - and I am not afraid to show them.

This past Wednesday's actions and outburst is going to be very hard to move on from. Aside from the blatant seize of absolute control & defining change of direction concerning a decision we had agreed on before leaving home; Holland  angrily cut me off from in-law-relatives he knows are close to my heart: 2 of his cousins were friends of mine before I even met him; and 1, I met last year on our road tripping; the rest I don't care for, so the spitefulness in that instance of forced isolation is meaningless. Intending to have his way; all the time, about everything, He continues to try to bully me … but I refuse to be controlled.

I've had enough of these childish tirades and cave man tactics.

I am taking space from this marriage that is more like a battlefield than a marriage.

I woke up this morning with this song from Valley of the Dolls running through my thoughts …

So, I looked up 🧐 the lyrics:

I'll Plant My Own Tree song lyrics

I’ll plant my own tree, and I’ll make it grow

My tree will not be just one in a row

My tree will offer shade when strangers go by;

If you’re a stranger, brother - well, so am I!

Come tomorrow, all that I see is my tree.

Oh, lord. What a sight!

Let someone stop me, and I will put up a fight!

It’s my yard, so I will try hard to welcome friends, I have yet to know.

Oh, I’ll plant my own tree!

My own tree … and I’ll make it grow!

I live every day moment-to-moment; but lately the needle seems stuck in the same groove 😟🤦🏻‍♀️- and it gets tiring 😒 to hear the same thing over and over and over, again 🙄

I'm doing the best I know to do ☝️✝️🕊️, while hoping and 🙏 the needle will move. Soon.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a common condition that can develop after a traumatic event. It involves symptoms like flashbacks of traumatic events, anxiety fallout in similar situations (like angry shouting, bullying control maneuvers, closed areas with no visible escape routes, ect), a false sense of inadequacy under pressurized circumstances (like angry shouting, bullying control maneuvers, unwarranted silent treatment, & a punishing withdrawal abandonment - even for a brief period of time), avoiding situations, places and activities related to the traumatic event (very difficult to do at this moment, in this living situation).

Holland, in his TBI black moods, trips my dormant PTSD with his loud and angry shouting, and his childish, punishing silent treatments. His need to be in control, and control me, has soured an otherwise good marriage. And at this point, I'm not sure it can be salvaged.

I stay because I live my Life in obedience to Elohim's Will: He literally placed this damaged man in my Life, and short of being a convenient booty call, I will be a wife in obedience to Elohim's Will for my Life.

If Holland wants a full-on Wife, then he needs to become a full-on Husband.

My relationship with Elohim & Yeshua; and my Blogging & FB connections with friends, are my saving grace. The main treatment for PTSD is talk therapy.  But my husband does not talk with me - when he is not shouting at me, he talks at me, and around me … but he does not engage in meaningful talk with me. And I cannot talk with my husband. At any time; about anything. Any convo with Holland at all, revolves solely around him, his needs, his wants, and his directives. Period.

It's very hard to live with.

So, I have made the decision to distance myself from the constant non-stop turmoil Holland surrounds himself in, and with.

Living on borrowed time, as I am with asthma and angina complications; I don't have time to waste.

I am not going to be making time for any more chipping away - I'm going to plant my own tree … and watch it grow. Holland can join me under it's shade - or he can continue to throw shade my way. But I am going to make the most of what is left of my Life and enjoy it: with, or without, him in it: the choice is his.

First thing I did this  morning when I got downstairs, was to open the front door - wide, and air the house; stale air is not good for the brain cells or the lungs. Holland, upstairs in bed, would be warm enough under the blankets. I wanted fresh air  in my immediate environment. The door was open for about an hour.

Holland, when he woke up and drank his mug of coffee, immediately left; without a word of where he was going - again, this is typical redmill men behavior. Common courtesy never crosses their minds, and their women "don't need to know" where they are going, why they are going, who .. or where, they are going to. I've reached the point in this toxic relationship, that I really don't care anymore; he was gone for a couple hours, and the house was blessedly peaceful and quiet.

I listened to some music, watched a Congressional hearing, did a little knitting - and made a quick and easy Supper:

VAL'S 4PATRIOTS ALFREDO w-CHICKEN Recipe; Ocean Park-WA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/06/vals-4patriots-alfredo-w-chicken-recipe.html)

Nothing, and no one, is going to stop me from finding peaceful moments in my days.

CUTTING ABUSE~EYES HEALING; Ocean Park-WA

My eyes are healing in 2 different ways - spiritually, and physically.

I am distancing myself, and pursuing peace in the spiritual realm.

I am rejoicing in the physical realm.

I had an eye appointment in Longview-WA, this morning.

About a half hour before we were to leave here, in Ocean Park-WA, he started a big fight over morning news broadcasts involving islam in the LA mexican riots - dragging every family member and shifty-eyed friend he has, into the ridiculousness. And of course, I was the handy "hater" he focused venting his bitterness on.

Because he has trouble sleeping, he's up all night long filling his head with media bullshit that frustrates and angers him - and it lingers throughout the following Day; where the TBI kicks in because his mental resistance is weak due to lack of sleep. It's a vicious hamster wheel activity. At this point, any word spoke or action taken has him focusing laser-beam hostility in my direction. And it always boils down to his dysfunctional family and friends network.

In an environment like this, emotional triggered eggshells are always strewn and can't be avoided: they are present, and avoidance of stepping on them at some point, is pretty much impossible.

Most of what he was shouting had no relevance to the media reports: but he saw and heard, muslim references, and that angered him. He has close muslim friends. His nephew married a muslim woman, and they have adult twin sons. He has muslim sympathies that blind him to the realities of people raised in that political environment (islam is more about violent politics, than it is a religious outlook, which is also rooted in violence that ties back to the political aspect).

I have Jewish DNA, as well as Blackfoot native, and Spanish bloodlines; I did not want to hear his loud and discordant sympathies for muslims shown on live footage throwing brick chunks. I did not want to hear his self-righteous verbal darts about "criminal activities need to be shut down", when his own family members are, and have been, involved in like mattered activities … and I for sure did not want to be his handy scapegoat to unload unwarranted anger onto. I did not want to be tagged again, as "hateful!" I needed to be calm so I'd get an accurate reading on my eye exam; I did not want to have lens ordered based on a stressed-out headache/eye reading. So, I just went upstairs and made the bed while he raved on. It helped a little, to be busy.

Before the morning's verbal explosion, we had planned to visit his cousin Crystal in Ryderwood-WA; then come back to Ocean Park the long route - over Wildwood Drive hill,  through Pe Ell & Raymond-WA. I had a book I planned on leaving with Crystal, knowing she'd enjoy the read. I have hung onto this book for 18 months, trying just as long to place it in her hands. Today, was the agreed Day, to do that.

As we passed over the Astoria-Megler Bridge, the tide was low - and I was able to get a good picture of the pilings on a sand bar in the middle of the river:

Pilings out on a sandbar; crossing Astoria-Megler Bridge~WA side of Columbia River.

The Desdemona Sands: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desdemona_Sands_Light)

Location of the Desdemona Sands & Horse Barn.

The Fishing Horses.

The Columbia’s Fishing Horses: 

(https://dailyastorian.com/2021/04/09/weekend-break-the-columbias-fishing-horses/)

The Columbia’s Fishing Horses Article: These days, the rotting pilings that sit in the middle of the Columbia River don’t seem like much at first glance. But they are the remnants of a booming cannery industry.

Near the old Desdemona Sands Lighthouse, they were considered home for teams of horses that helped fishermen catch salmon along the river. 

Commercial horse seining on the Columbia River played a vital role in the area’s economy from the 1890s through the 1940s. When the river was in full swing, dozens of men would gather near Desdemona Sands and Sand Island to collect the bounty of salmon that awaited them.

Seine fishing involves a special type of net — a seine — that hangs vertically in the water. Its bottom edge is held down by weights. The top of the net is held up by floats. The net is laid out in a U shape around schools of fish.

On the Columbia, the nets were extremely heavy. There was a 16 ounce weight tied to every foot or two of net.  Fishermen would typically use between 300 to 400 fathoms — or 1,800 to 2,400 feet — of net in the water at any given time. They were so heavy that the fishermen couldn’t haul them up themselves so they turned to horsepower instead. 

Along with providing bunkhouses for people to sleep and eat, the pilings we see today also supported horse barns floating in the water that could hold over a dozen horses. Enormous Clydesdales or Percherons would pull a seine next to fishermen wearing waders up to their chests.

The fishermen would fish with seines only when the water was low enough that they would be able to bring the horses in the sand. If the water got up to their chests and stomachs, they would lose all their pulling power so it had to be slack enough that they could use the horses’ strength. 

Two seining skiffs were required for each net. Typically three or four men worked on each boat. Sometimes up to eight fishermen could be working alongside three teams of horses to bring in such monstrous seines. A 400 fathom net could bring in between 4 and 5 tons of salmon.  The seining season only lasted from the beginning of June until the end of August so it was a clever way to bring in as many fish as possible within that period. Out of the 27 million pounds of salmon that were harvested from the river every year during this time, around 6 million of that was the product of horse seining. 

Many of the fishermen loved working around the horses and got to know their personalities over the years, since they would use the same animals each season. They worked tirelessly for six days a week, with Sunday as their only day off. Local college students would return home for the summer and work on the seining grounds to pay off their tuition for the next year. 

As time went on, Oregon and Washington state both began imposing restrictions on the kind of fishing that could take place on the Columbia. Seining was officially outlawed in 1934 in Washington and 1948 in Oregon.

The drive to Longview was blessedly quiet. I put my headphones on, closed my eyes and tuned everything out after I got a picture of the pilings.

When we got to Dr. Tack's office, the eye exam went very well - one thing did concern me though, and I'm not sure I will continue with this eye doctor: they are now using a digital holographic simulator eye exam headpiece, "with a blue ghost to guide you" … I'm not comfortable with that.

Digital holographic simulator eye exam headpiece.

BUT, I was very happy, and very comfortable being told that my eyes are "doing much better" and that I don't need to order new eyewear. I prayed about an eye healing for years - and now, it appears those prayers are being answered. SO HAPPY!

It is good to be a favored Daughter, honored by The Father: I didn't dress fancy, or wear makeup because my eyes and head was going to be fiddled with: there was no point.

I exited the Office, and got into Betsy expecting to be headed to Ryderwood … but instead, noticed that Holland was pointing Betsy back across the Columbia River, towards home in Ocean Park. Apparently, he was set on continuing his fight. I asked, "Are you serious? Are you really going to do this?" He huffed, "Yeah. I am. You nixed the visit in Kelso, so now there won't be any visiting with anyone." The 2 hour drive back was not a pleasant one, and the atmosphere had a very distinctive angry blue hue, to it, as a 2 hour fight over Holland's "family & friends" continued to dominate any and all convo - ending with a ban between any of his family members & myself.

I'm actually okay with that declaration; aside from a small handful of his family members, the rest could drop off the face of the earth, and they wouldn't be missed.

I'm sick to death of this constant fighting over people I do not particularly like - and would not have anything to do with if they were not now grafted into my Life via my new husband.

So.

When I we got back to Ocean park, and I got my laptop up and running, I contacted those few "family friends" that I have enjoyed friendships with, and ended those contacts: explaining why the severance was necessary: {{"Holland is insisting I have nothing to do with his family members … so, I'm going to have to let you go. Sorry. And, maybe in some future time, if we are all still walking this Earth, we can make contact again. But for right now, I'm worn out and worn down with the continual barrage of angry words geared towards forcing me into situations with people I do not want to be party to. You know me well enough to know that bullying won't budge me one inch TOWARDS anything, or anyone … but IT WILL CAUSE ME TO DIG MY HEELS IN 🖕 & PULL BACK & AWAY. UnFriending you has nothing to do with you personally ❤️: I just crave peace at this point in my Life 😘" & "I love you - and I'm glad to have met you, your kids, grandkids, and husband - and maybe sometime in the future, we will meet again. But right now, Holland had placed a ban on any contact with his family members. I don't bully very well, and I don't hide emotions on my face very well - so, I'm doing what I can to have peace in my Life and home. UnFriending you has nothing to do with you personally ❤️: I just crave peace at this point in my Life 😘"

EVERYONE: Holland is not a bad guy, but he does have brain injury moments that make Life hard and difficult. He is absolutely fixated on maintaining familial dysfunctions, bad company, & bad behavior patterns … and, I am not; this is causing a lot of friction between us. If I had my way, we would NEVER return back to WA State - but I don't have my way, and we keeping going through this familial and friend nonsense 🤬 every 6 months: it's been 2 years of nonstop angry words and silent treatment when he doesn't get his way. I'm tired.}}

At this point … I'm even UnFriending Holland, and taking much needed [space] from the toxicity he seems to thrive on. Sometimes love isn't enough - especially when the pool is constantly contaminated with poison barbs.

I think [space] from everything and everyone connected to my small patch of Earth, for a while, is what my battle-weary soul needs.

I know I am engaged in a spiritual battle; but I'd really like it it come to an end soon. There are a LOT of elements to this battle that will be hard to gain the victory over, because they are grasped and held onto so tightly 😪

I will never accept wrong as right - and I will never embrace every religion under the sun; I adhere ONLY to Elohim, His Word, the salvation of Yeshua, and the wisdom of the Ruach HaKo'desh = that does not make me a "hater".

I will never accept the vineyard twaddle as authentic Christianity, and I will never trust a muslim … Holland's family and friends circle is rife with both. I did not know this until after we married. I can be kind, and civil -  but that's where the buck stops; I have no desire to mingle for several hours, every week. This angers my husband.

I don't like antagonistic environments.

I don't like playing 2nd fiddle to bad influences, shady people, or questionable activity.

I don't tolerate bullying - from anyone; a difference of opinions is fine … but a forcing to comply, will have me digging my heels in and yanking at the hard-held reins.

I crave peace at this time in my Life. It took me a very long time to walk away from bad behaviors geared towards trying to force my hand and put me "in place" (this came from relatives, as well as my kids), and get comfortable with who I am. I found out that most people who come to really know me, actually like me - that was a surprising revelation after decades of being told I was worthless, irrelevant, and "hateful!" I no longer tolerate that from family members, I no longer accept that from my kids … and I flat our refuse to knuckle under to my husband's angry neanderthal behavior.

So, he is insisting I either accept his demands, or we have a parting of the ways in our personal life - and I am agreeing to taking space. I have never lowered my standards, or gave way to shifting ground on morals; and I won't go that route now. I know my worth - I know he's gonna miss me big time when he's sitting in that kitchen in Kelso, drinking homemade moonshine 1 street over, and living like a bachelor in Woodland.

Since Bob passed from this life to Life above the clouds 6-1/2 years ago, I've become a Pro at letting go of people who are either too dimwitted to know my worth … or too damned stupid in letting me go. I don't run after people anymore, and I don't waste time spinning my wheels when it comes to those who let me know I will always be standing on the outskirts of their Life.

Holland needs a real, honest-to-God, "come to Jesus" moment: until that happens, I don't see this marriage becoming a healthy … or united one.

Repentance leads to real change … which births unity.

BACK AT THE ROOMMATE STAGE: Ocean Park-WA

We are right back at the roommate stage, a.g.a.i.n.

I get so tired of this strain that drains US 🤦🏻‍♀️😟

This is the strangest relationship - and the hardest marital relationship, I've ever been party to 😳

Holland's tripped TBI 😡; that taps into my slumbering PTSD 😕

Triggered by Holland's shitty "friends" 👹: 1 in particular 😈

* Adversity Event: back to weaselly cal 👺 - and the aggravating fallout 😤 when his presence is introduced into our lives, & Holland's blatant lies 🤥 about the situation.

* Beliefs: for whatever reason, Holland called him - cal took his time getting back to Holland. Holland either called him when he was on one of the beaches … or during a late night chat session: cal has been calling back-to-back for the past week … 5 times in a row, yesterday; Holland acted like he didn't know who was calling, and he thinks I am oblivious to these interactions. But I see his name come up on the phone screen - when Holland is sleeping, and his phone is turned face-up; or while we are out for a drive, and the notification flashes across the 🎼 playlist.

I've been good about it and keep mum. I have pretended I do not know that Holland has been in contact with cal, because a fight always ensues. I just want a peaceful life 🕊️, in this, the end-game of my Life.

I do not like cal; he is a little, mouthy, woman-hating, interfering presence that is distinctly unpleasant. He has made it clear that he doesn't think I am good enough for Holland … and he tries to run Holland's life. cal has a big bankroll. cal has a big, fancy boat. cal has a big, fancy house; cal has a wife he publicly subjugates: cal would love to subjugate me - that will never happen. Hence, the tension in both camps, with Holland caught in the middle.

MPO is that cal hones in on Holland's TBI, and utilizes it for his own purposes. That is not a friendly thing to do.

MPO is that Holland is more drawn to cal's lavish lifestyle, than he is to the man. When a person want's to rub elbows with $$$$$$$, they will overlook a lot of unpleasantries.

$$$$$$$ means a lot to Holland: he is always bragging about the rich & famous people he has hob-knobbed with, the fancy houses he has worked on; and the fact that his last female housemate before me, supposedly screwed around with; and had an illegitimate son, by one of marlon brando's sons (I've seen the kid, and I'm not convinced; but Holland is). For a solid year into our new marriage, he would bring banjelina and her kid into the convo at some point - Holland's earlier nickname for me, was Valerinia; I finally had enough, and said, "Do not ever call me Valerina again. Do not ever link my Name with hers again. I am not a celebrity slut - I am not a live-in-girlfriend; I am your Wife. I do not want to hear any more about banjelina and her could-be-brando kid. Money, and name-dropping, means nothing to me. I am not impressed. And I find this entire  conversation, more than a bit rude."

$$$$$$$ means a lot to Holland's family: both branches. The lure of $$$$$$$ has pretty much destroyed Holland's family - both sides; and the pull in that direction, is putting friction on this marriage.

cal is a major friction, & I do not want him in my life. At any point, for any reason.

When cal's presence is known, Holland starts withdrawing … then picks fights over stupid things - because the guilt gets to him. He knows cal is a sore spot in our marriage; but for whatever reason, he can't stop living in the Past, or insisting that I accept cal's interjection into our life: and that hard-headed, hard-nosed insistence is messing up our Present, with a very real possibility of crippling our Future.

* Consequences: we are right back at the roommate stage, a.g.a.i.n. No one is happy. Today will be awkward. The week will be struggled through, with both of us retreating 😒, drawing boundary [space] lines 😑, and speaking only when necessary 🤔

Dave Mason - 'We Just Disagree' with lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERd0VjJYgpE)

The fight was on last night 🙄, but I didn't get sucked into the lies, Holland's lame-assed behavior, or react with justifiable anger: I just went to 🛌 and went promptly to 💤. I don't feel well, and I don't have the energy for the bullshit that always involves cal, at some point. Holland may want to waste his time on cal … but, I do not. I refuse to give way to angry outbursts concerning that little weasel - and I refuse to lose sleep over a man who chooses the lure of $$$$$$$, over me.

We have a reasonably good income: I'm not against money - money is a necessity. However, I am against the love of money that lures people into an unhealthy obsession with it. Both of us were raised poor - the difference is that money... or people with money … does not run me, or rule my life. We have enough money for what we need; and I've learned over the decades, that if I need more, Elohim always provides. We are certainly not rolling in dough; but we're not begging for bread, either. I think we're doing okay.

I also know that spending time with monied braggarts, and social bullies, causes dissatisfaction. That's why my immediate circle of people are simple people with simple incomes.

2 Corinthians 9:8: emphasizes God's generosity and the provision of all needs: suggesting that wealth is not the source of security but a gift from God.

Philippians 4:19: encourages that God will supply all needs, again implying that wealth is not a source of security but a gift from God to be used wisely.

Proverbs 10:22: highlights the blessings that come with God's provision, suggesting that wealth can be a source of blessing when it is used in accordance with God's will.

We don't have any serious debt that couldn't be paid off immediately if Holland would be agreeable. MPO is that living on credit will cost you more than paying up, tightening the belt, and breathing easier with the next paycheck.

We own our home, outright 😊

We own our vehicle outright 👍

We have the freedom to pick up and GO; any time we please 👋

We eat well - perhaps, too well, by the look of us 😉

We are both retired, and can relax and take Life easy 💯

We enjoy adventures and explorations … which could be more enjoyable if Holland would stop comparing our income, home, and lifestyle to everyone else. The lure of $$$$$$ causes a great deal of unnecessary dissatisfaction that can suck the joy right out of the moment.

1 Timothy 6:10: states that "the love of money is "the root of all kinds of evils". You would think that given the Redmill & Harris backgrounds concerning the luring love of money, my husband would have some kind of understanding about the lure's destructions.

Matthew 6:24: warns against trying to serving both God and money - either will cancel the other out … ofttimes leading to destruction when the lust for money supersedes loyalty to God 🔥😔💔😭 Again, you would think after seeing families destroyed, and deaths occurring due to monetary dissatisfactions when the chasing after money overrode the chase after God, my husband would have some kind of understanding about the lure's destructions.

Ecclesiastes 5:10: points out that even wealth doesn't bring satisfaction, suggesting that the pursuit of wealth is often futile. Again, both sides of my husband's family tree show wealth - as well as the destruction wealth has wrought: those who have wealth become greedy, fearful of having their wealth stolen, and engage in shady activities to gain and keep wealth - those who do not have wealth become bitter, angry at "living hand-to-mouth", and engage in shady activities - hoping to gain that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow they chase.

Fighting over cal's interferences is not how I want to spent my waning days - I'm living on borrowed time and limited days. I refuse to give way to angry outbursts concerning that little weasel - and I refuse to lose sleep over a man who chooses the lure of $$$$$$$, over my happiness in whatever relationship he thinks we have in the moment.

So, we are right back to the roommate stage in this relationship = taking space and defusing.

Richard Marx - 'Right Here Waiting': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3-8TVK_D-I)

Holland can spin his wheels - and do angry burnouts, if he wants to.

Me? I'm going to get on with getting on. Life is too short to waste time spinning my wheels - or leaving smoking, angry, black marks on the road I travel. When my number is called, I want to pass through the Pearly Gates with a good report ✝️, and a peaceful aura 😇

Holland has to come to his own conclusion that cal 👺 - and that elusive pot of gold, is not worth the time, effort … or heartache 💔

Firefall - 'Just Remember I Love You' with lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcLI8Lbef5Q)

We both know that neither one of us are going anywhere: I married for Life = "for better, or worse" 🙏 … and Holland has finally stopped 🤝 threatening divorce 🤬 every time a disagreement comes up.

But, I'd sure like to lay some new tracks ✅ and get this marriage off the crazy train trail.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD; Quartzsite-AZ

Marriage is hard; divorce is hard. Choose your hard.

Obesity is hard; getting - and staying - fit, is hard. Choose your hard.

Always being strapped for $$$ is hard; practicing financial disciple is hard. Choose your hard.

Communication is hard; not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.

Healing emotionally is hard; living without healing, is hard. Choose your hard.

I intend to squeeze every drop of living out of the Life Elohim gives me to live.

I choose to live a full, purposeful Life.

Wisely.