Holland wanted to talk to me today, but I am not interested in any more fighting - and I'm not interested in him dictating the flow of the home environment, anymore: I've been doing that, and all he has done is be a tyrant.
So.
After about 4 hours of total silence, he broke silence, and started talking. About things and people he knows will incite a fight.
I counted to 10 before breaking in and saying, "Why are you going down this road? I do not want to hear any of this, and you know that. I am over here minding my own business. Being quiet. Staying out of your line of fire. I do not want to fight with you anymore about things that are not going to change." He started in with, "I have a right …" And I said, "Yes, you do. And so do I. Your rights do not get to step all over my rights." He tried another angle, "I really don't know why you are so angry."
I just looked at him for a minute before saying, "I'm not angry, Holland - I'm done; that's a big difference. Anger wastes energy and I'm done throwing away energy on a man and a situation that leaves me out of the equation. Wednesday we drove to Longview; before we left, we agreed to go visit Crystal before we came home. You stopped at the Park in Rainer-OR for a pit stop so we didn't have to stop in Kelso. When we crossed the bridge to make my eye appointment in Longview-WA, I went into the building with the belief that we'd be driving to Ryderwood when I came back out … you decided to punish me: you had it in your mind the entire trip to Longview, that this was what you intended to do. It was spiteful. It was a demeaning action. It was childish. And why all the drama? Because I did not want to spend time with people whining about impending death while committing suicide: chemo treatments are wasted on a person who continues to smoke nonstop - and walks around sucking on an oxygen tube while smoking! Sympathy is wasted on a man swollen with liver damage while continuing to drink like a fish. You just saw these people …" He broke in, "They are dying …" I broke in, "I am dying! And you don't seem to be overly concerned about me. Those people are literally killing their bodies with rebellious spirits - pretty much the same spirit you are feeding with your reckless behavior; my body is literally killing me, and my spirit is struggling to keep it alive. Big difference. You got all bent out of shape because I said I'd sit in the truck while you sat in the kitchen in Kelso filling your head with bullshit and your lungs with cigarette, and marijuana, smoke tainted air. You know my lungs can't deal with that … and you shouldn't be exposing your lungs to that, either. Why you chose this hill to stand & fight for your rights on, is beyond understanding. So, you threw a brat fit, decided all by yourself that if there was no Kelso visit … there would be no visiting at all. With anyone. I have been trying to visit Crystal for 18 months, so she can show off her new home. We had an agreement when we left Ocean Park - and you maliciously changed the Plan, simply because you wanted to have your own way. Then, you demanded that I don't have anything to do with anyone in your family - which is fine with me, in general, so letting them go is not a hardship for me; but you knew I was friends with Jake & Crystal before you were even a blip on my radar - and you know Brenda & I have become friends. What happened on Wednesday was uncalled for. I'm done. You are not trustworthy."
He actually huffed, and asked, "What does that mean?" I replied, "It means that you are not a safe place for me; I can't trust your spirit. I can't trust your actions. I can't trust your words when they tell me that you love me: love builds up - love does not destroy. Trust is essential with me - I told you that, in the beginning stages of our stepping out together. I will stay in this marriage because I obey Elohim always; I don't like at the moment, where He has placed me, but I will stay to honor Him. I am not going to fight with you anymore about people that disrespect me - including you, yourself - nor am I going to spend anymore time around people involved in questionable activity: that is not who I am; if that is what you want, then you will be spending a lot of time alone, because I will not be going with you. If you want a Wife, then you have to be a Husband. A husband treats his wife with honor and respect; he doesn't place her at the back of the line, or at the bottom of the totem pole: he doesn't blatantly disregard her, or punish her in a sanctimonious mood."
Then, because the atmosphere was so tense, and I was so stressed, I had a full-blown asthma attack. While I was standing over the sink gasping for air, and letting unchecked dribble and life-draining-tears fall down the drain - my throat was sore and swollen from the strenuous coughing, and my chest ached from the strain of struggling lungs. Holland was rushing to find an inhaler and push it into my hand, saying, "Relax, and use this." Holland's family members may have used inhalers to get stoned on … but my situation is drastically different. I wasn't wanting a junkie high. Telling me to "relax and use" the inhaler, which for me was useless in the moment, was not helpful even though he was trying to be helpful. At that particular moment, my poor body was fighting to live. I just held it, and looked at it while gasping, wheezing, coughing, and feeling my lungs straining against my aching chest. I could feel strain marks breaking out on my face as my body fought to maintain a grasp on life: I can't use the inhaler if I can't breathe - my throat and lungs need to be open, in order for the inhaler to offer me a sliver of hope for a continuing life. A junkie's experience is not the same: their airwaves are open, and their bodies are not trying to kill them.
Asthma, in a full-blown mode, is not a fun thing to be thrust into. It is not a pretty thing to see. It's frightening. It's sobering. It's seriously life-threatening.
When I mentally calmed my body down enough to utilize the inhaler, I said, "This stress needs to end Holland. The need for you to have your way, and feel righteously right when you are obviously wrong, is going to kill me one of these days. My life was pretty stress-free 2-1/2 years ago - and 37 years out of the 44 I was married to Bob, and I need it to be stress-free again, now. The fighting for fight's sake, needs to stop. Things need to change." He asked, "What? What needs to change?" And I said, "You. You need to change. I can't take any more hostility. Or bitterness - you have got to let go of the past, and move into the present towards a future. You are stuck in a past life, constantly talking about people - dead people, due to their own suicidal tendencies, people who did really bad things to others they feel [did them wrong] … you seem proud of the serious recklessness, and get seriously angry with me if I say anything that contradicts your proud moment: these may be your family members, but they were criminally reckless, Holland, and there's nothing cute, funny, or a reason to be proud of what they did - or who they did it, to. I have a right to have an opinion on what you tell me. If you don't want to hear what I have to say … stop throwing me stuff to chew on. Stop dragging these people and their behavior into our lives and conversations; the only conversations you are ever interested in having. You have never spoken to me, or with me about the present … or the future. It's like I don't exist, except when you deem to acknowledge me for purely selfish reasons. You don't seem to understand what right and wrong is; you always try to justify the wrong; that's scary to me because I want a safe place to rest. I was raised in Hell - I need a Husband who is a safe place. You sold me a safe place when you promised me a good marriage - instead I'm living a nightmare spurred on by a Past you refuse to bury, and a self-righteous temper fed by hellish demons you will not lay to rest. You need to change. You need to start living in real time, with a real person - who happens to be the person standing before you in the moment; your wife. And the stress needs to stop. I do not want reckless people in my life. I do not want dead people, and their ridiculous past behaviors that led to their deaths, ruining my today's anymore. You need to change … or leave, and go live in Kelso where that shit lives on eternally. Here - in this house, I want to walk in the frequency of Love; a love that lives in today, and looks towards tomorrow."
Then, I went upstairs to lay down for a little bit. Stressful situations drain what little energy I have. The inhalers make me sleepy.
When I woke up I surfed the internet, checked Blog notifications, fooled around on FB, and visited Friends FB Pages. I was happy to see that Emily's Bridal Remembrance Table had a picture of Bob, on it - Haley was able to get it from Merry, so he could be there in spirit:
And when sundown arrived, I caught the moon in frame before picking up my knitting project and listening to a golden oldie song …
The Youngbloods - 'Get Together' 1969 Lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-Pxd34Qp5A)
This Shabbat, I took time to reflect on my beginnings, the blessings in my journey, tending to the soil of my own soul. This is how to remain unshakable; true peace can only be found within.
Peace … real peace is not just an absence of conflict - but real peace means wholeness; nothing lacking or broken.
Peace to me, means walking in the frequency of Love.
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