GOD KNEW I NEEDED YOU

Showing posts with label missingness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label missingness. Show all posts

Thursday, May 7, 2026

LOUD; Castle Rock-WA

This year - today on May 7, 2026, we will unite and pray as our new 2026 theme calls us to, “Glorify God Among the Nations, Seeking Him in All Generations.”

This is a loud that is welcome.

As I drink my morning joy juice, read an article, & munch on a toasted cheese sandwich; I sit here and think of how crazy my life has become. I may enjoy an occasional country song - but I do not want to get caught up in  living one, with un unrepentant roughneck.

That kind of loud, I can live without.

Some days, patience feels like the hardest thing to hold onto.

Especially with people who test every bit of it. 

As my errant husband was stomping off last night, his parting shot was, "I know more Bible than you do!" I just shook my head, and said, "I doubt it; you may know the words, but you lack enlightenment understanding, and have no concept at all, of application. Being able to quote Scripture passages like a parrot, does not mean that you understand the context. I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with you about this, Holland. I'm just going to say that you have a lot to learn."

That did not go over well.

Well, cry me a freaking river: my roughneck cowboy needs a little reining in before I loosen up. If he wants to "look good", with me standing by smiling prettily - he needs to be good. Just sayin'.

'It's not how things look - that's how things are'. A snippet lifted from the 1974 movie, Zandy's Bride, in which a backcountry Big Sur rancher sends for a mail-order bride … and following [family] male traits, treats  her more as property than a marital partner.

I like the movie Zandy's Bride - and would like to read the novel: but, the novel will cost me a whopping $75 for a 2nd hand buy … and I do not appreciate living the script, in real life.

Yesterday was extremely stressful. So much so, that I went and retrieved Bob's little remembrance urn from where I had it tucked away for my own body's eventual burial if the sound of heavenly shofars & Yeshua tarries.

My heart prays, trusts, & rests in Elohim's faithfulness: He holds steady.

In times of turmoil & strife, my soul cries out & yearns for the peace that passes all understanding.

Loud, undisciplined cowboys are no fun.

No joke.

I want quiet.

I crave peace.

The constant chest thumping, boot stomping, arguing, & shading absences … is wearying.

When my eyes light upon that little ash urn that matches Bob's eyes - I am comforted. His eyes were the kindest eyes & they were always soft when turned on me. When I see that little bit of what is left of Bob's human vessel, I am reminded that my life was once blessed with a love that lifted, & made Days light. Words of encouragement and affirmation were spoken. War was not a daily activity, and anger didn't poison the air.

Bob's Remembrance Ash Urn.

Maybe that's a sin to be thinking of 1 man while married to another: I don't know. Bob is no longer available to me except by memories that comfort me.

And, Holland is lost in Kelso dancing with the devil.

In these times of harsh chaos, comfort is a mighty calming effect.

Right now, in this  moment, BOTH men are absent.

And the remembrance urn comforts.

Speaking of infighting … demonrat obamanite lawmakers are attempting to penalize the growing number of Minnesota cities opting not to fly the new state flag after the old one was deemed racist. Governor Tim Walz’s redesign of the Minnesota flag has been controversial, with comparisons to flags from Somalia - no surprise there: the obamanites are infatuated with American users & abusers. The fight over Minnesota's state flag has ignited a firestorm, and one mayor is refusing to back down. In Champlin, a Minneapolis suburb, Mayor Ryan Sabas is flying the original 1983 flag. The controversy has become a cultural and political flashpoint in a state still reeling from one of the largest U.S. fraud scandals, which involved the illegal anti-American, Somali muslim community infiltrating every city in America … this one, sinking deep & poisonous roots in Minnesota. Some lawmakers have proposed cutting state aid to cities and counties that fly the old flag, but Sabas and other mayors—like Crosslake’s Jackson Purfeerst—have called the bill “ridiculous” and an overreach, arguing it punishes local governments for exercising their right to choose.

obamanite politics is out of control across America, & the insanity of obama causes is entirely too loud: it needs to be unplugged & taken out with the trash.

{{Walz hit with local revolt from Minnesota mayor refusing 'ugly' new flag: 'People's decision'

~Story by Peter Pinedo/FOX News

Minnesota Democratic Gov. Tim Walz is facing a new challenge from a Minneapolis-area mayor who is refusing to back down from flying the original 1980s state flag. The mayor said the controversial flag redesign has left citizens out of the process and stuck with what consider an "ugly" replacement.

In an interview with Fox News Digital, Champlin Mayor Ryan Sabas said that "in my nearly 10 years of being on the city council in Champlin and going on four years as mayor of this town, I have never heard from more people on any one issue than I did about the Minnesota state flag."

The new flag has become a cultural and political flashpoint in a state already reeling from one of the largest fraud scandals in U.S. history, heavily involving the Somali immigrant community. The flag was approved by a 13-member commission created by the Democratic-controlled legislature in 2023. Critics of the flag say it is overly simplistic and some have even knocked it as bearing a resemblance to Somalia’s national flag. 

Sabas said that "without any question" there is at least a two-to-one majority in favor of keeping the earlier 1983 version of the state flag. He said that many believe it erases their history, while others simply think it is "ugly." He also emphasized the massive wasteful spending to replace the old flag, pointing to the $40,000 it cost the city of Champlin alone. For these reasons, he is now calling on Walz and the state legislature to reopen the flag issue and put it to a vote by citizens across the state.

"These are the people's flagpoles. This is the people's decision," he emphasized.

Minnesota raised a new state flag on May 11, 2024, featuring an Islamic faith symbol.

The old flag features a blue field with the state seal, with a farmer and American Indian figure along with the state motto and founding date. The new flag touts a more simplified design with a dark shape representing Minnesota, a light blue field and an eight-point North Star.

In its final report to the Minnesota legislature, the Minnesota State Emblems Redesign Commission said that "through extensive public input, a design contest that drew over 2,500 entries, and many hours of deliberations," the commission had "created designs that reflect the spirit of Minnesota — the people, the land and water, and the history of our state."

Many Minnesotans, however, do not feel the flag represents them or their state.

The Champlin City Council voted in February to continue flying the original Minnesota state flag. There has been an effort by some Democrats in the legislature to crack down on around a dozen towns and counties across the state refusing to fly the new flag.

Sabas emphasized that Champlin is well within its legal rights to fly whichever state flag it wants or even no flag at all. He said that he does not have a particular personal attachment to the old flag. He does, however, take issue with how he believes the citizens of Minnesota were left out of the process of choosing their own flag.

"Two years ago, the governor and the Democrats had full power of the House, Senate, and the governor’s seat. They chose they wanted to change the state flag, which they legally have the ability to do that. But instead of bringing this to the House, through the Senate and all voting on it, they picked select members of a committee and that's who chose the flag," he said.

Now, Sabas said Walz and the state legislature "have the opportunity to do this legally and do it right."

In the state legislature, Minnesota Sen. Mark Koran, a Republican, told Fox News Digital that despite being created as a bipartisan commission, the flag redesign committee only represented "about 13 percent of Minnesota’s population."

"Native Americans, Hispanic, LGBT, you name it, every special group was identified," he said. "So, that was really reflective of how all governance [in Minnesota] has been done by a small group of people that they've pandered to under the guise that they're they've been oppressed and they've given them the strongest voice."

While he admitted that the flag "may seem unimportant at one level," he said it has galvanized people across the state because "it’s a direct assault on hard-working, legal U.S. Minnesotans."

"It was a process that reflected almost how all of [Minnesota] legislation has been implemented," he asserted.

Back in Champlin, Tim Huttner, a member of the city council, echoed the mayor’s sentiment on putting the new flag to a statewide vote.

"We cannot legally put it on a city ballot, but it doesn't mean we can't put it on a state ballot," he told Fox News Digital.

Huttner said that before the council voted on which flag to fly, he held a roundtable of his own with constituents. By taking an informal vote of roundtable attendees, Huttner said he found "100 percent" expressed support for flying the original flag.

The Minnesota state flag is shown, which was replaced by a design some say resembles the national flag of Somalia.

When a constituent asked him what his opinion was on the flag, Huttner said his response was, "I don't have an opinion. I work for you."

"I respect our city legislators, I respect our state legislators, but sometimes you've got to redo a redo," he continued. "I believe this is one of those times."

As the nonpartisan leader of a purple municipality, Sabas said of Walz, "I've always felt that he's someone who does listen to me when I have something to say."

"So, I challenge the governor in his last year of being governor of the state of Minnesota to really find a way to unite," he said. "Unite Minnesotans, unite us, Republicans, Democrats, people that don't know which side they are on, unite us."

Fox News Digital reached out to Walz, Minnesota House Speaker Lisa Demuth and Minnesota Senate President Bobby Joe Champion for comment.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/walz-hit-with-local-revolt-from-minnesota-mayor-refusing-ugly-new-flag-people-s-decision/ar-AA22wKlX?ocid=winp1taskbar&cvid=93451262131044f1c609df8409397176&ei=7 }}

I rinsed my coffee mug out, checked the snap traps … of which a loud sound would be music to my ears:

Snap Traps still untouched.
As an added precaution, I bought & employed 2 of these Ultrasonic Mouse Deterrent Plug-in's: 1 in-house, & 1 in the [basement].

Then, I gave a listen to Dave's podcast, because at some point in his podcast, he cracks jokes that make me laugh: laughter is good, right now.

The Rubin Report~Zohran Mamdani Just Got Scared After Billionaire’s Latest Response to Him: 
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dksJvpDzUCw)

Then, I posted a post to a couple Blog Hops and noticed that Julie had mentioned  my  crochet Floribunda Rose Coaster pattern on her 'Homemade Monday' Blog Hop … and she made a bright yellow coaster for herself, that looks right nice: I like it & it matches her coffee mug, too.

Julie's Blog Hop.
MOD SPRING FLORIBUNDA ROSE COASTER; Castle Rock-WA: 
(https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2026/04/mod-spring-floribunda-rose-coaster.html)
Julie's sunny remake looks fine; I'm glad she liked the pattern enough to use it.

Later, I watched a YouTube movie & worked a few more rows of crochet.

Give me steady over chaotic.

Calm over loud.

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

FOCUS ON THE BLESSEDNESS; Ocean Park-WA

Yesterday was my grandson's 11th BD - the last time we saw each other was 5 years ago, today. Because of 1 person's crazy behavior, lives were shattered and dreams went up in smoke.

In years past, I would always cry this time of year: I MISS Azariah … but this year, Holland is in my life - and all the missingness, though still there, is not so painful. And bless his heart, Holland said, "Well, maybe when he gets older he'll look you up. He'll remember the good times with his Grandma, and he'll come looking for you."

My husband is more optimistic than I am concerning this situation.

There is a lot of assumption anger, still simmering in that arena. There is a lot of misplaced bitterness, still harbored in that arena. The bridge that could have led to healing, was spectacularly set ablaze: and the gleeful flamethrower flat out told me that it would never be rebuilt.

When I called to talk to little handsome … she would angrily shut the phone call down.

When I asked for a school picture - the request was denied.

Unwarranted & unjustified hatred towards me shuts out any contact between me & my grandchildren.

But I know I will not be crying anymore - and that is in a large part, due to Elohim, Yeshua, & my new husband's presence in my Life.

Anyone looking (who has no clue at all about what I've lived through before Bob, with Bob, & after Bob) would only see the torn fabric of a messy life. BUT, I KNOW I have a blessed Life despite the messy bits.

I've overcome a LOT.

I've grown in ways I wasn't even aware I needed to grow.

I've come to fully understand "loving from a distance" when it comes to toxic familial relationships.

I learned that it's okay to be ME; without apology.

I learned to embrace - and even at times, enjoy, a solo lobo Life between Bob's absence & Holland's arrival.

My husband doesn't know the full story; but he tries to cheer me up any way he can.

Last year, we drove up the WA Gorge:

THE GORGE-WA~Bucket List Drive: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2024/07/the-gorge-wabucket-list-drive.html)

This year, we went for a short local drive, & enjoyed a nice visit with David:

SUNDAY DRIVE EXPLORATION~Black Lake, Ilwaco-WA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/06/sunday-drive-explorationblack-lake.html)

So, I focus on the blessedness, not the missingness.

And I will lean into the hope my husband spoke about future possibility of seeing my grandson again. Azariah is a direct gifting from Elohim … and I believe the Scripture that says, "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten" ❤️


Friday, December 13, 2024

I MISS MY HUSBAND; Fortuna-AZ


I don't feel guilty missing Bob.

Holland has abdicated his role as Husband, in my Life.

To Holland, being "a Husband" is "being a pussified pet."

Anyone who knew Bob … knew he could never be considered "pussified" - nor was he "a domesticated pet" simply because he loved me, and showed that love to the world by favoring me over everyone else.

Holland "will never do that!", because he "refuses to be a domesticated pet!"

Holland should not have married me: he is not ready to be a Husband. And sticking strictly to the Redmill men motto and life habits … he may never be ready to be a husband. That is going to be sad for both of us.

And maybe that is why I am feeling at lose ends again - maybe that is why old memories are resurfacing and that imp Grief is poking hard at me again.

I miss my Husband - BOTH of them.

Holland & Me (Left = present Life)/Bob & Me (Right = past Life)

Holland's past history with his family, and friends, stole his love from me; and given the way he sounds when he puts them above me … I never really had it. It always belonged to them.

I don't mind sharing his table with them - but I do mind being regulated to last place at his table: if I'm invited to sit in, at all.

Physical death stole Bob's love from me. I had it for 44 years; completely.

December is my heart's cold and lonely month.

Darryl Worley - 'I Miss My Friend' lyrics: 
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_k8tY-v-y4)

Say their Name.

Honor the place they held in your Life.

Remember - not morosely, but with tender, passing grief.

12-13-2020 Blog Post: 'I PROMISED …':  (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2020/12/i-promised.html)

12-13-2019 Blog Post: 'COMFORT CARE DECISION - When I'm Gone':  (https://jeastofeden.blogspot.com/2019/12/comfort-care-decision-when-im-gone.html)

Last year, December was not a hard month to get through - there were newlywed adjustments to be made, and Holland was trying to meet me halfway in those adjustments.

This year, for many reasons … those halfway adjustments have been halted, and he's no longer trying to make this marriage work. December has become very difficult for me to navigate - either awake, or trying to get a full night's rest.

I need space to adjust. Death is not a part of this December's cut-off, but love's gone, just the same.

Grief is grief, no matter what form ushers it in.


Tonight, I will fellowship and be part of a lively house setting: that will be tremendously refreshing, and help offset the dawning of December 14th - and the sorrowful nighttime memory flashbacks should ebb, too, as the 14th moves into the 15th and forward in time.


I'm praying this constant and unrepentant emotional chaos with Holland will not cause my heart to get stuck in 2018-2021 sorrow's grip, again.


Holland (not sure what slot he fits into at the moment = not a Husband; not really a Friend either at the moment, yet more than a companion: it's weird for me, 'normal' for Redmill 'family' mentality) has planned a day-long-exploratory adventure for Monday - seeing "what's left in AZ we haven't seen"; with hopes of visiting his Aunt Gaye in Kingman-AZ, before heading back to Fortuna-AZ

I don't know what will happen come January 2025; I just do the best I can 1 day at a time.

Saturday, July 13, 2024

GOALS LOOP DRIVE~Woodland-WA

JULY 12TH: Holland has been studying and working on an agenda - and it sounds like fun; I am in agreement with him, on this topic ;-)

So, this morning we got up bright and early to get to where we needed to be in St, Helens-OR before the freeway became a frantic Friday parking lot.

The swelling in my leg has gone down, and my jeans slid up my legs pretty easily … but I noticed, as I pulled my sleeveless top over my head, that I had an allergic reaction to the heart monitoring adhesive from yesterday's Salmon Creek debacle.

I am allergic to adhesives … I started getting allergic to Band-Aids a few years ago.

Off we went … with Holland jokingly quipping, "Now I'll never be able to go off on my own, for fear you'll die on me of a heart attack or a stroke." We laughed, but I say that to him all the time about his high blood pressure and COPD concerns.

We are at the age where we need to adhere to The Buddy System.

Holland asked me if I'd like to stop at the Goodwill in Scappoose to grab a few more books, and I happily replied (((YES!))); I like to read … and the internet connection here, in Woodland, is ify at best - nonexistent most of the time.

Scappoose-OR from Woodland-OR; 50 min (46.5 mi) via I-5 S and US-30 W

I jumped back into Betsy's cab with an armload of paperbacks covering a wide range of interests, and off we went towards today's real goal ;-)

St. Helens-OR from Scappoose-OR 10 min (7.7 mi) via US-30 W

We grabbed the mail on the way through Rainier-OR … and I was instantly miffed: some unscrupulous minion had sold our mailing address - and a clueless moron thoughtlessly opened a wound that took a long time to heal.

UNBELIEVABLE; Bob & I never had THIS address; this address is my New Life address - with my New Last Name. This query does not belong here.

I sold the house at Heron Pointe to get away from moments like this.

This P.O. Box belongs to my new life with my new husband: I loved Bob very much and memories of him will always hold a special part of my heart; but this part of my life with this man does not deserve to have the Past intrude on it. I was justifiably miffed.

But I refused to let the irritation steal this afternoon's good vibes.

When we crossed the Columbia River from Oregon to Washington, we decided to visit Bleu in Kelso: I'm glad we did :-)

Kelso-WA from St. Helens-OR; 36 min (25.5 mi) via US-30 W
Bleu was so happy to see me - it's been months.

We all enjoyed each other for a while before heading back to Woodland. Along the way, we stopped to take a look at the newest building on Kalama's waterfront; the paddlewheel cruise ship was docked there.

Woodland-WA from Kelso-WA; 21 min (19.6 mi) via I-5 S
We drove down by Kalama's waterfront to check this new building out … 
Public Market in Kalama, WA: 
(https://www.pcs-structural.com/projects/mountain-timber-market & https://www.columbian.com/news/2024/feb/09/marvelous-market-mountain-timber-market-now-open-in-kalama-serves-up-sweets-wine-and-more/)
The Paddlewheel Cruise Ship was docked alongside the building.
Queen Of The West: 
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_of_the_West)

Today, by and large, was a good day :-)