My eyes are healing in 2 different ways - spiritually, and physically.
I am distancing myself, and pursuing peace in the spiritual realm.
I am rejoicing in the physical realm.
I had an eye appointment in Longview-WA, this morning.
About a half hour before we were to leave here, in Ocean Park-WA, he started a big fight over morning news broadcasts involving islam in the LA mexican riots - dragging every family member and shifty-eyed friend he has, into the ridiculousness. And of course, I was the handy "hater" he focused venting his bitterness on.
Because he has trouble sleeping, he's up all night long filling his head with media bullshit that frustrates and angers him - and it lingers throughout the following Day; where the TBI kicks in because his mental resistance is weak due to lack of sleep. It's a vicious hamster wheel activity. At this point, any word spoke or action taken has him focusing laser-beam hostility in my direction. And it always boils down to his dysfunctional family and friends network.
In an environment like this, emotional triggered eggshells are always strewn and can't be avoided: they are present, and avoidance of stepping on them at some point, is pretty much impossible.
Most of what he was shouting had no relevance to the media reports: but he saw and heard, muslim references, and that angered him. He has close muslim friends. His nephew married a muslim woman, and they have adult twin sons. He has muslim sympathies that blind him to the realities of people raised in that political environment (islam is more about violent politics, than it is a religious outlook, which is also rooted in violence that ties back to the political aspect).
I have Jewish DNA, as well as Blackfoot native, and Spanish bloodlines; I did not want to hear his loud and discordant sympathies for muslims shown on live footage throwing brick chunks. I did not want to hear his self-righteous verbal darts about "criminal activities need to be shut down", when his own family members are, and have been, involved in like mattered activities … and I for sure did not want to be his handy scapegoat to unload unwarranted anger onto. I did not want to be tagged again, as "hateful!" I needed to be calm so I'd get an accurate reading on my eye exam; I did not want to have lens ordered based on a stressed-out headache/eye reading. So, I just went upstairs and made the bed while he raved on. It helped a little, to be busy.
Before the morning's verbal explosion, we had planned to visit his cousin Crystal in Ryderwood-WA; then come back to Ocean Park the long route - over Wildwood Drive hill, through Pe Ell & Raymond-WA. I had a book I planned on leaving with Crystal, knowing she'd enjoy the read. I have hung onto this book for 18 months, trying just as long to place it in her hands. Today, was the agreed Day, to do that.
As we passed over the Astoria-Megler Bridge, the tide was low - and I was able to get a good picture of the pilings on a sand bar in the middle of the river:
Pilings out on a sandbar; crossing Astoria-Megler Bridge~WA side of Columbia River.
The Desdemona Sands:
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desdemona_Sands_Light)
Location of the Desdemona Sands & Horse Barn.
The Fishing Horses.
The Columbia’s Fishing Horses:
(https://dailyastorian.com/2021/04/09/weekend-break-the-columbias-fishing-horses/)
The Columbia’s Fishing Horses Article: These days, the rotting pilings that sit in the middle of the Columbia River don’t seem like much at first glance. But they are the remnants of a booming cannery industry.
Near the old Desdemona Sands Lighthouse, they were considered home for teams of horses that helped fishermen catch salmon along the river.
Commercial horse seining on the Columbia River played a vital role in the area’s economy from the 1890s through the 1940s. When the river was in full swing, dozens of men would gather near Desdemona Sands and Sand Island to collect the bounty of salmon that awaited them.
Seine fishing involves a special type of net — a seine — that hangs vertically in the water. Its bottom edge is held down by weights. The top of the net is held up by floats. The net is laid out in a U shape around schools of fish.
On the Columbia, the nets were extremely heavy. There was a 16 ounce weight tied to every foot or two of net. Fishermen would typically use between 300 to 400 fathoms — or 1,800 to 2,400 feet — of net in the water at any given time. They were so heavy that the fishermen couldn’t haul them up themselves so they turned to horsepower instead.
Along with providing bunkhouses for people to sleep and eat, the pilings we see today also supported horse barns floating in the water that could hold over a dozen horses. Enormous Clydesdales or Percherons would pull a seine next to fishermen wearing waders up to their chests.
The fishermen would fish with seines only when the water was low enough that they would be able to bring the horses in the sand. If the water got up to their chests and stomachs, they would lose all their pulling power so it had to be slack enough that they could use the horses’ strength.
Two seining skiffs were required for each net. Typically three or four men worked on each boat. Sometimes up to eight fishermen could be working alongside three teams of horses to bring in such monstrous seines. A 400 fathom net could bring in between 4 and 5 tons of salmon. The seining season only lasted from the beginning of June until the end of August so it was a clever way to bring in as many fish as possible within that period. Out of the 27 million pounds of salmon that were harvested from the river every year during this time, around 6 million of that was the product of horse seining.
Many of the fishermen loved working around the horses and got to know their personalities over the years, since they would use the same animals each season. They worked tirelessly for six days a week, with Sunday as their only day off. Local college students would return home for the summer and work on the seining grounds to pay off their tuition for the next year.
As time went on, Oregon and Washington state both began imposing restrictions on the kind of fishing that could take place on the Columbia. Seining was officially outlawed in 1934 in Washington and 1948 in Oregon.
The drive to Longview was blessedly quiet. I put my headphones on, closed my eyes and tuned everything out after I got a picture of the pilings.
When we got to Dr. Tack's office, the eye exam went very well - one thing did concern me though, and I'm not sure I will continue with this eye doctor: they are now using a digital holographic simulator eye exam headpiece, "with a blue ghost to guide you" … I'm not comfortable with that.
Digital holographic simulator eye exam headpiece.
BUT, I was very happy, and very comfortable being told that my eyes are "doing much better" and that I don't need to order new eyewear. I prayed about an eye healing for years - and now, it appears those prayers are being answered. SO HAPPY!
It is good to be a favored Daughter, honored by The Father: I didn't dress fancy, or wear makeup because my eyes and head was going to be fiddled with: there was no point.
I exited the Office, and got into Betsy expecting to be headed to Ryderwood … but instead, noticed that Holland was pointing Betsy back across the Columbia River, towards home in Ocean Park. Apparently, he was set on continuing his fight. I asked, "Are you serious? Are you really going to do this?" He huffed, "Yeah. I am. You nixed the visit in Kelso, so now there won't be any visiting with anyone." The 2 hour drive back was not a pleasant one, and the atmosphere had a very distinctive angry blue hue, to it, as a 2 hour fight over Holland's "family & friends" continued to dominate any and all convo - ending with a ban between any of his family members & myself.
I'm actually okay with that declaration; aside from a small handful of his family members, the rest could drop off the face of the earth, and they wouldn't be missed.
I'm sick to death of this constant fighting over people I do not particularly like - and would not have anything to do with if they were not now grafted into my Life via my new husband.
So.
When I we got back to Ocean park, and I got my laptop up and running, I contacted those few "family friends" that I have enjoyed friendships with, and ended those contacts: explaining why the severance was necessary: {{"Holland is insisting I have nothing to do with his family members … so, I'm going to have to let you go. Sorry. And, maybe in some future time, if we are all still walking this Earth, we can make contact again. But for right now, I'm worn out and worn down with the continual barrage of angry words geared towards forcing me into situations with people I do not want to be party to. You know me well enough to know that bullying won't budge me one inch TOWARDS anything, or anyone … but IT WILL CAUSE ME TO DIG MY HEELS IN 🖕 & PULL BACK & AWAY. UnFriending you has nothing to do with you personally ❤️: I just crave peace at this point in my Life 😘" & "I love you - and I'm glad to have met you, your kids, grandkids, and husband - and maybe sometime in the future, we will meet again. But right now, Holland had placed a ban on any contact with his family members. I don't bully very well, and I don't hide emotions on my face very well - so, I'm doing what I can to have peace in my Life and home. UnFriending you has nothing to do with you personally ❤️: I just crave peace at this point in my Life 😘"
EVERYONE: Holland is not a bad guy, but he does have brain injury moments that make Life hard and difficult. He is absolutely fixated on maintaining familial dysfunctions, bad company, & bad behavior patterns … and, I am not; this is causing a lot of friction between us. If I had my way, we would NEVER return back to WA State - but I don't have my way, and we keeping going through this familial and friend nonsense 🤬 every 6 months: it's been 2 years of nonstop angry words and silent treatment when he doesn't get his way. I'm tired.}}
At this point … I'm even UnFriending Holland, and taking much needed [space] from the toxicity he seems to thrive on. Sometimes love isn't enough - especially when the pool is constantly contaminated with poison barbs.
I think [space] from everything and everyone connected to my small patch of Earth, for a while, is what my battle-weary soul needs.
I know I am engaged in a spiritual battle; but I'd really like it it come to an end soon. There are a LOT of elements to this battle that will be hard to gain the victory over, because they are grasped and held onto so tightly 😪
I will never accept wrong as right - and I will never embrace every religion under the sun; I adhere ONLY to Elohim, His Word, the salvation of Yeshua, and the wisdom of the Ruach HaKo'desh = that does not make me a "hater".
I will never accept the vineyard twaddle as authentic Christianity, and I will never trust a muslim … Holland's family and friends circle is rife with both. I did not know this until after we married. I can be kind, and civil - but that's where the buck stops; I have no desire to mingle for several hours, every week. This angers my husband.
I don't like antagonistic environments.
I don't like playing 2nd fiddle to bad influences, shady people, or questionable activity.
I don't tolerate bullying - from anyone; a difference of opinions is fine … but a forcing to comply, will have me digging my heels in and yanking at the hard-held reins.
I crave peace at this time in my Life. It took me a very long time to walk away from bad behaviors geared towards trying to force my hand and put me "in place" (this came from relatives, as well as my kids), and get comfortable with who I am. I found out that most people who come to really know me, actually like me - that was a surprising revelation after decades of being told I was worthless, irrelevant, and "hateful!" I no longer tolerate that from family members, I no longer accept that from my kids … and I flat our refuse to knuckle under to my husband's angry neanderthal behavior.
So, he is insisting I either accept his demands, or we have a parting of the ways in our personal life - and I am agreeing to taking space. I have never lowered my standards, or gave way to shifting ground on morals; and I won't go that route now. I know my worth - I know he's gonna miss me big time when he's sitting in that kitchen in Kelso, drinking homemade moonshine 1 street over, and living like a bachelor in Woodland.
Since Bob passed from this life to Life above the clouds 6-1/2 years ago, I've become a Pro at letting go of people who are either too dimwitted to know my worth … or too damned stupid in letting me go. I don't run after people anymore, and I don't waste time spinning my wheels when it comes to those who let me know I will always be standing on the outskirts of their Life.
Holland needs a real, honest-to-God, "come to Jesus" moment: until that happens, I don't see this marriage becoming a healthy … or united one.
Repentance leads to real change … which births unity.
