Every couple of weeks … Holland derails our relationship.
This usually follows phone convo's between him and Kelso-WA contacts … and those connects always (without fail) follow on the heels of us having a good time together. The devil that rides him can't stand a good time.
He just cannot leave the toxic Past alone - and I end up paying for the nonsense, and feeling the bite of his waspish tongue whiplash.
It's very wearing.
It's draining.
It's frustrating.
I did not break him in his childhood.
I did not abandon him in his teen years.
I am not the wife that betrayed him and turned him sour on women, in general.
I will never be a roll-over Redmill woman.
I refuse to be treated like "less than".
We were supposed to go to Parker Tuesday morning, but bad attitude scrapped that - and last night, he was talking about doing that Friday morning … but the phone calls keep jetting back and forth between here and Kelso; and I'm not going anywhere with a man who acts like all the problems of the world begin and end with women.
Specifically, me; the handiest target.
Because I have a lightening rod temperament, and a no-nonsense attitude, I am not engaging in the current verbal vitriol: I'm pulling back, and sucking into myself. Peace in my life is what I want - peace is what I intend to have.
I dug out my Mezuzah that I was overjoyed to discover a couple weeks ago, was not lost in all the moving to and fro between States.
Holland does not have to agree with my hanging of it - I am a Jew; I am a Messianic Jew … and my home will honor my faith in my God.
A mezuzah serves two functions: (1) every time you enter or leave, the mezuzah reminds you that you have a covenant with God; and (2), the mezuzah serves as a symbol to everyone else that this particular dwelling is constituted as a Jewish household, operating by a special set of rules and beliefs. The Scripture inside the mezuzah is Deuteronomy 6:4-9.
I grabbed a new read to bury myself in, as daylight fades:
New Read; purposefully drawing sunshine into my small corner of the world.
And I purposefully reset my inner balance.
When the tension entered the room, I made it clear to Holland that I was not going to engage in word wars today - which, threw him off balance; and totally ruined his day's purpose.
I'm tired of the mixed messages.
I'm growing weary of the continual battle of the wills.
Holland had been a bachelor for decades before petitioning me to marry him - in previous relationships, he was used to cutting and running when things got a little uncomfortable: he'd been a carefree bachelor of 4 decades.
Hollands conception of marriage is seriously warped - he wants a marriage with a firm grip on bachelorhood mentality: he never cheated on me … and never will, but he's not willing to settle into a solid marital relationship, either. Fully submitting to a marital stage is "emasculating servitude!", according to him.
His view of marriage gives me a headache.
My plea prayer to Elohim for 2025 is a husband with a husband's heart.
Words of love are cheap - without action, they are meaningless.
When 2025 unfolds, I want a man in my life that places me as the center of his universe. I want a man in my life that feels lucky to have me in his life. I want a man in my life who loves me enough to know his heart would break if I died (which is a real possibility).
In short, I want man in my life who is man enough to step over the broken piece of his past life to fully embrace a life that includes me. ALL of me. I want a man mature enough to make room in his life, for a woman like me.
That is not asking "for too much".
The Redmills (men, and women as well) are strange people with strange concepts.
Leon Russell - 'Stranger in a Strange Land' with Lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ejVcr5lS9U)
I am a stranger in a strange land.
I want a husband in my life who is "all in"; a mature man who has both feet on this side of marriage's threshold.
That is what I want; that is what I intend to have.
Life is complicated and the excess baggage is tiring; a clean break from the bad, and a strong shot of good about now … would be nice, Lord.
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