I walked my morning walk today, before Holland woke up - and thought a lot out.
My "BACK ON TRACK~Exercise; Quartzsite-AZ" Posting: https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2024/10/back-on-trackexercise-quartzsite-az.html
I've been dealing with brain injury situations, all my life - my bio-father, my mother, my step-father, and both husbands.
My bio-father's brain damage was brought on in a war combat situation: his entire platoon was wiped out - and he, himself was shot in the back of his head, behind his right ear (I saw the bullet's healed-over entrance wound- but the bullet could not be surgically removed, and remained lodged inside his brain), with an execution shot that did damage … but did not kill him. The bullet would cause pressure on certain points of his brain, and caused uncontrollable actions & reactions to stressful situations. When he was around (he was gone most of our growing up years, thank the Lord), he had violent outbursts (verbal & physical): he was brutal when delivering both: I survived what was done to me, but I am deaf in my left ear … and still struggle with trust issues when dealing with the male species.
My mother's brain damage happened in when she was in college; her boyfriend and her were riding a motorcycle and wrecked - the boyfriend died instantly; she was in the hospital for months in a coma. She had lost most of her teeth, and had to have her fractured jaw repaired and wired shut for healing … she wore dentures for the rest of her life, and fought against the uncontrollable rages that would break out in highly stressful situations. My bio-father told her he didn't want to have children, but being the good little catholic she was, she had 5 of them - and sometimes when the stress was to much, she would go off the rails and strike out in violent rages until it burned itself out; she always felt bad afterwards, but the damage was done. All five of us kids suffer PTSD to varying degrees; my younger siblings resorting to alcohol and drug abuse, also in varying degrees.
I became a Christian at 8 years old, and chose not to self-medicate because I grew up seeing the damaged trails both leave in damaged lives. I am very careful about who I allow close to me, so as to avoid triggers; I guard my heart by insisting on honesty in a close relationship.
My step-father was more father to us than my bio-father ... but he was drafted into the Vietnam War, and was a POW much of the time he was over there; he had issues when he came back Stateside. Occasionally in stressful situations, he would have flashbacks that caused him to react in combat stances: but, he was never violent with us kids; he adopted us & deserves a metal for doing so, because we 5 came with baggage and were a handful - ranging from ages 13 (me, the oldest) to 8 … and was the father figure I think fondly of, when I think of a parent.
Bob's brain damage was brought on by his second death experience, in 1981, when he was dead for 25 minutes before Elohim returned him back to me: his injury was from lack of oxygen to the brain. Bob stumped the Dr's prognosis', and recovered at home (Dr's. wanted me to put him away in a nursing home, telling me he'd "be in a vegetative state the rest of his life"); but he never did recover his short term memory - however, his long term memory did pop in and out of his thought process, through the years (I wasn't part of his Past, and he had no recollection at all of when {we} began; sometimes he'd think I was Gloria, his first wife, and I'd get the fallout from that unhappy mess). We learned to live our life in the Present moments - living every day in the now; not losing sleep over yesterday, and not leaning too heavily into the Future. Considering everything, we had a happy marriage until the day Bob's spirit stepped off this planet.
Bob was never violent with me.
Holland's brain injury was brought on by a severe whack to his head when an angry brother smacked him hard up alongside his head, with a baseball bat.
The brain injuries are very different, I am always caught in learning how to deal with differing brain injuries. It can be exhausting.
Bob's brain damage was not caused by a forceful blow to the head; and the resulting trauma was manageable.
Holland's brain damage was traumatic in action, and has traumatic results (more often than not … uncontrollable actions … he has little, or no control, over) that are hard to deal with - for himself, as well as for those who live with him 24/7/365 (moi = spouse).
I coped 37 years with Bob's brain damage.
I am learning how to cope with Holland's traumatic brain damage (TBI).
Most of the time, Bob would allow me come alongside him and lend my strengths (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) where his was not so strong; and sometimes he got snappy about needing help.
Holland doesn't like me to help him. At all - in any way; if I see him struggling with pain and know he needs help even if he refuses to admit it … he will feel emasculated if he needs to accept physical help from me (carrying groceries from truck to house, lifting a propane tank, helping with water tank refill, ect.): he will become very snappy, peevish, and difficult to live with. For days. And that attitude carries over into the mental, emotional, and spiritual end of our life together, too: constantly being told by a complicated macho-man, that I am not needed in any capacity is very hard to live with.
But I also know that his doing everything for himself is his way of coping with childhood abandonment, and a bad first marriage: he has learned to do for himself.
He has trust issues, like I do.
Honesty is not a Redmill trait, but he knows honesty is a major issue with me - so, he is tapping into the Harris family branch, and cautiously being honest with me. About everything (Past pieces of his life, as well as the Present) … but he doesn't want feedback concerning what he is sharing. Of any kind. Nada.
I am understanding that he just needs to talk because he is mentally working the Past out. Elohim is shedding light on people, situations, and circumstances: the truths he has been fudging, is being highlighted so he can finally come to the truth and be freed from the Past bondages that keep him from enjoying the Present in all it's fullness.
I am learning not to take things said, or done, personally, when Holland's rumbling TBI episodes trip my slumbering PTSD.
I know he's not really angry with me: he's just frustrated with his limitations.
Generally, Holland is a gentle, and well-mannered man. He has a funny bone, and he's fun to be with. He's thoughtful, considerate, and empathetic.
Until highly stressed: I am learning his mood swings - and what sets them off.
I know Holland will never be violent with me.
I know that it will take time for him to fully trust me. Lean on me.
I know that we have more good times than bad - and I know we can and will have a happy marriage … as the wrinkles get worked out of the tapestry of Our Life, we are weaving together.
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We are both working on outbursts and reactions to those outbursts.
And we have Elohim on our side - with Yeshua walking with us, every step of the way.
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