We basically just lazed around; drinking coffee, resting our bodies – relaxing our minds. Unapologetically not doing much of anything else, but moving in slo-mo, and healing.
We both have a lot of baggage to unload.
Yep; Russell summed up my own thoughts, exactly …
We both are working on ourselves - for each other.
Individually, as well as together.
Gary Allan - 'Learning How To Bend' lyrics:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQwEbbnsK5g)
I've always been an independent woman who doesn't need a man to boost my personhood: I get along quite well solo lobo. If a man is in my life on a steady basis, he's in it because I want to share all of my life with him - not because my life is meaningless without him. I choose to make a place for him in my life. Just sayin.
I've only opened my life to 2 men: Bob and Holland; each fitting my life completely, in two totally different scenarios. I loved Bob while he walked this Earth with me for 44 years. I love Holland as equally deep - and I will walk this Earth beside him, for the rest of whatever timeframe of life Elohim grants us.
But, this walk with this Life Partner is not a cake walk … it's a tightrope walk:
Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble - 'Tightrope' song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu7haLxD2WM
We were doing good - then, the inevitable Kelso phone tag started.
Just the thought of going back to WA State trips me up. There is nothing there for me, but sad feelings & bad memories (siblings & kids). When WA is mentioned, unwanted thoughts insist on running through my gray matter, like ticker-tape snippets: memories I do not want to relive - or emotionally trip over, when they rampantly run through my thoughts on days my guard is down. Constantly trapped on the redmill hamster wheel keeps my guard down because I am worn down with the ensuing arguing that always follows those "touching base" calls that seem to hinge on the doomsday commune his uncle bob wants to form "on the ranch" - which really isn't a ranch at all, but a run down redmill shanty community atop a hillside along Westside Highway.
I know eventually Holland will move us back there to stay regardless of the damage it will do to my psyche & heart; and the joint pain that inevitably comes with the arrival of the PNW's cold wet winter months. I have tried to explain this to my husband … but he tunes it out. I really wish the phone calls to and from Kelso-WA would stop. There is angst fallout in our home when those calls occur; from Holland because he feels guilty he is not there - and from me, because I am really sick and tired of the craziness; I don't want the intrusive memories linked to WA, and I really don't want the winter aches. I'm working through my own problems, I do not have the energy or the time to take on anyone else's. If that makes me a "hateful person", so be it.
All I care about in my immediate present, is creating my own calming environment in this Season of my life, in my Autumn years.
I want a life of peace, love, and joy … and a little less radiating physical pain.
I don't want to hear about the world's woes - family, global, ect.; I'm dealing with enough struggles of my own.
My trust issues aren’t with things … my trust issues are with my heart – with my emotions. Things can be replaced; and most things are meaningless … just window-dressing in this life journey. It’s not things I have trust issues with.
When the next sibling death call comes … my husband will need me like never before; help me Lord to stand strong among the flames & our union is preserved.
So, I am working on me … working my way back to a peaceful frame of mind in the midst of my husband's courted chaotic turmoil. Learned behavior can be unlearned - but he has to let go and let Yeshua: he's not ready to do that, yet.
I don’t want to go back to building walls around my heart.
I don’t want to learn to couch my emotions again.
I want to live joyfully, in the fullness of whatever time I am granted here on Earth.
I don't want anger towards undisciplined strangers to run my emotions.
I don't want anger over unfulfilled dreams to rule my days.
I let anger run wild while dealing with widowing issues … and I allowed it to control these 3 years of being a senior newlywed, spliced into a seriously dysfunctional network of questionable characters of cultic proportions.
I'm tired of doing the crab-walking-side step around the tiger in the room: jungle love is losing it's appeal.
Steve Miller Band - "Jungle Love" Lyrics:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8B7BE-f5yc&list=RDU8B7BE-f5yc&start_radio=1
To those who are reading my posts and thinking, “I thought she said she was a Christian.” Let me say this, “I AM”. 100%. I am also human. 100%. Yeshua created me with emotions; he expects me to utilize those emotions. He is not shocked, or offended, by what I am feeling … or saying, in the moment. Yeshua also created me with free will; meaning He doesn’t control me. BUT He always LOVES me. No matter what. I never have to explain myself to Him because He “gets me”; He KNOWS me. Being saved means you recognize Elohei as the One true God/You love Elohim with all your body, soul, and mind/You recognize Elohim’s Son, Yeshua, as Lord & Savior/You live your life FOR Elohei. Period – that’s it. There are no other requirements.
I DO recognize Elohei as the One True God. I DO love Elohim with ALL of me. I DO recognize Yeshua as the Son of God, my Lord & Savior (where would I be without HIM?). I DO live my life for Elohei. Period. That’s it. I AM saved – I AM a Christian. I may not {be} the Christian you assume Christians to “be”, but I am the Christian Elohei KNOWS me to be: He loves and accepts me right now, where I am in my life; and that is good enough for me, at this particular moment. Tomorrow I may be in another place in my life … a calmer place that will have a calmer reaction. But I can't guarantee that - every day right now is a wild card draw: I play life now with a hope & a prayer, I never know what card will show, and I play the hand dealt; best I can.
Elohei knows what I am dealing with every second of every day of my life: I appreciate that He loves me no matter what stage of life I am walking through; I like that He cuts me some slack to grow & mature in hostile environments and unfamiliar territory. Yeshua created me – He knows my character; He looks beyond the outer person & sees the inner me that no one else sees. Yeshua KNOWS ME … and He knows I am more than what others see with their assumptive & conclusive eyes.
I'm not sorry for being selfish right now - selfishness leads to healing; you cannot pour from an empty cup.
I'm no good for anyone else, if I'm no good for me because I'm running on empty.
The weekly chaos of the past 3 years has significantly drained me: all the headway I managed to make following Bob's death has been totally undone by the continual redmill chaos stirred up by aging people who refuse to grow up - and a husband who feels it's his personal duty to "save!" people from situations they do not want saving from.
If I'm going to stay "in the game" … and I am, because no matter what anyone else thinks, it is my calling, then I have got to make myself a priority so I am alert enough to win the Game.
If Elohim is seriously displeased with me, He knows where I live: He knows how to get my attention to turn me around quick. Elohim makes house calls, and he doesn’t bother using the doorbell.
So, I am taking some [space] from the churned up chaos, taking some down time to work on me … practicing touch-n-go tactics with social media interactions, pulling back with peopling activities, enjoying the quiet creative activities that soothe me and redirect my thoughts - in general I am being "impossible!" in how I choose to work my way back to a peaceful frame of mind. And I'm okay with that, because I know I am not impossible: what I am is selective in how I allow my emotions to be played. And that's okay, too.
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