PLAY THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT: Coalinga-CA

We basically just lazed around; drinking coffee, resting our bodies – relaxing our minds. Unapologetically not doing much of anything else, but moving in slo-mo, and healing.

We both have a lot of baggage to unload.

Yep; Russell summed up my own thoughts, exactly …

We both are working on ourselves - for each other.

Individually, as well as together.

Gary Allan - 'Learning How To Bend' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQwEbbnsK5g)

I've always been an independent woman who doesn't need a man to boost my personhood: I get along quite well solo lobo. If a man is in my life on a steady basis, he's in it because I want to share all of my life with him - not because my life is meaningless without him. I choose to make a place for him in my life. Just sayin.

I've only opened my life to 2 men: Bob and Holland; each fitting my life completely, in two totally different scenarios. I loved Bob while he walked this Earth with me for 44 years. I love Holland as equally deep - and I will walk this Earth beside him, for the rest of whatever timeframe of life Elohim grants us.

But, this walk with this Life Partner is not a cake walk … it's a tightrope walk:

Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble - 'Tightrope' song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu7haLxD2WM

We were doing good - then, the inevitable Kelso phone tag started.

Just the thought of going back to WA State trips me up. There is nothing there for me, but sad feelings & bad memories (siblings & kids). When WA is mentioned, unwanted thoughts insist on running through my gray matter, like ticker-tape snippets: memories I do not want to relive - or emotionally trip over, when they rampantly run through my thoughts on days my guard is down. Constantly trapped on the redmill hamster wheel keeps my guard down because I am worn down with the ensuing arguing that always follows those "touching base" calls that seem to hinge on the doomsday commune his uncle bob wants to form "on the ranch" - which really isn't a ranch at all, but a run down redmill shanty community atop a hillside along Westside Highway.

I know eventually Holland will  move us back there to stay regardless of the damage it will do to my psyche & heart; and the joint pain that inevitably comes with the arrival of the PNW's cold wet winter months. I have tried to explain this to my husband … but he tunes it out. I really wish the phone calls to and from Kelso-WA would stop. There is angst fallout in our home when those calls occur; from Holland because he feels guilty he is not there - and from me, because I am really sick and tired of the craziness; I don't want the intrusive memories linked to WA, and I really don't want the winter aches. I'm working through my own problems, I do not have the energy or the time to take on anyone else's. If that makes me a "hateful person", so be it.

All I care about in my immediate present, is creating my own calming environment in this Season of my life, in my Autumn years.

I want a life of peace, love, and joy … and a little less radiating physical pain.

I don't want to hear about the world's woes - family, global, ect.; I'm dealing with enough struggles of my own.

My trust issues aren’t with things … my trust issues are with my heart – with my emotions. Things can be replaced; and most things are meaningless … just window-dressing in this life journey. It’s not things I have trust issues with.

When the next sibling death call comes … my husband will need me like never before; help me Lord to stand strong among the flames & our union is preserved.

So, I am working on me … working my way back to a peaceful frame of mind in the midst of my husband's courted chaotic turmoil. Learned behavior can be unlearned - but he has to let go and let Yeshua: he's not ready to do that, yet.

I don’t want to go back to building walls around my heart.

I don’t want to learn to couch my emotions again.

I want to live joyfully, in the fullness of whatever time I am granted here on Earth.

I don't want anger towards undisciplined strangers to run my emotions.

I don't want anger over unfulfilled dreams to rule my days.

I let anger run wild while dealing with widowing issues … and I allowed it to control these 3 years of being a senior newlywed, spliced into a seriously dysfunctional network of questionable characters of cultic proportions.

I'm tired of doing the crab-walking-side step around the tiger in the room: jungle love is losing it's appeal.

Steve Miller Band - "Jungle Love" Lyrics:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8B7BE-f5yc&list=RDU8B7BE-f5yc&start_radio=1

To those who are reading my posts and thinking, “I thought she said she was a Christian.” Let me say this, “I AM”. 100%. I am also human. 100%. Yeshua created me with emotions; he expects me to utilize those emotions. He is not shocked, or offended, by what I am feeling … or saying, in the moment. Yeshua also created me with free will; meaning He doesn’t control me. BUT He always LOVES me. No matter what. I never have to explain myself to Him because He “gets me”; He KNOWS me. Being saved means you recognize Elohei as the One true God/You love Elohim with all your body, soul, and mind/You recognize Elohim’s Son, Yeshua, as Lord & Savior/You live your life FOR Elohei. Period – that’s it. There are no other requirements.

I DO recognize Elohei as the One True God. I DO love Elohim with ALL of me. I DO recognize Yeshua as the Son of God, my Lord & Savior (where would I be without HIM?). I DO live my life for Elohei. Period. That’s it. I AM saved – I AM a Christian. I may not {be} the Christian you assume Christians to “be”, but I am the Christian Elohei KNOWS me to be: He loves and accepts me right now, where I am in my life; and that is good enough for me, at this particular moment. Tomorrow I may be in another place in my life … a calmer place that will have a calmer reaction. But I can't guarantee that - every day right now is a wild card draw: I play life now with a hope & a prayer, I never know what card will show, and I play the hand dealt; best I can.

Elohei knows what I am dealing with every second of every day of my life: I appreciate that He loves me no matter what stage of life I am walking through; I like that He cuts me some slack to grow & mature in hostile environments and unfamiliar territory. Yeshua created me – He knows my character; He looks beyond the outer person & sees the inner me that no one else sees. Yeshua KNOWS ME … and He knows I am more than what others see with their assumptive & conclusive eyes.

I'm not sorry for being selfish right now - selfishness leads to healing; you cannot pour from an empty cup.

I'm no good for anyone else, if I'm no good for me because I'm running on empty.

The weekly chaos of the past 3 years has significantly drained me: all the headway I managed to make following Bob's death has been totally undone by the continual redmill chaos stirred up by aging people who refuse to grow up - and a husband who feels it's his personal duty to "save!" people from situations they do not want saving from.

If I'm going to stay "in the game" … and I am, because no matter what anyone else thinks, it is my calling, then I have got to make myself a priority so I am alert enough to win the Game.

If Elohim is seriously displeased with me, He knows where I live: He knows how to get my attention to turn me around quick. Elohim makes house calls, and he doesn’t bother using the doorbell.

So, I am taking some [space] from the churned up chaos, taking some down time to work on me … practicing touch-n-go tactics with social media interactions, pulling back with peopling activities, enjoying the quiet creative activities that soothe me and redirect my thoughts - in general I am being "impossible!" in how I choose to work my way back to a peaceful frame of mind. And I'm okay with that, because I know I am not impossible: what I am is selective in how I allow my emotions to be played. And that's okay, too.

SLOW DAY~Self-Care 2025; Coalinga-CA

Kristin Asbjørnsen - 'Slow Day' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCHujsWkcMQ)

Today we were lazy.

We reveled in our slow day.

We even ate light. I made a big green salad with iceberg lettuce, chopped roma tomatoes, sliced cucumber, sliced red onion, grated carrot, chopped eggs, and cubed leftover chicken thigh & leg; adding extras at different times of the day, just to keep it from getting boring 😉

Lunch Salad w-cubed KFC pieces & sliced avocado.

Supper Salad w-cubed KFC pieces & shredded Colby Cheese.

I alternated between watching a Tom Berenger movie, reading a couple chapters in an interesting novel, and watching a flirty breeze tickle tree leaves … it was 100-degrees outside, with a pleasant breeze blowing through the Park. There was also a light  amber tint overshadowing the atmosphere - but there was no discernable wildfire odor; so we cautiously 🙏 🤞  kept the screen door open for a bit.

Even though we have 2 AC's, it can get very hot 😕 and very stuffy 😑 in Independence.

Eucalyptus tree.

Eucalyptus globulus: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucalyptus_globulus)

And Holland alternated between YouTube videos, & a couple FB Reels - one he showed me was a reel about oil field workers, saying, "Baby, this is what working on an oil rig is like. Me and my brothers did this." I watched; I was curious 🧐

I like these little glimpses of my husband's life before I knew him; it helps me know him better.

Holland (19 yo) & his 2 brothers Mark (18 yo) , & Tito (Steve; 16 yo), worked together for 3 years in oil fields - they were the fastest, youngest, Team for that time; and even made the cover of an Oil Field Magazine for beating established, recorded, time. Not only were they the youngest, fastest Team … but the oil well was the deepest in the Dakota oil fields at that time.

Mark is the only sibling living now.

Roughnecks at Work in HD - Drilling Rig Pipe Connection: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZxUiFFVEAQ)

And I did some upper body toning exercises with dumbbells: 

Tank Top Arms Workout

Weight lifting can help tone and define your arms.

To "tone" arms, aim for a rep range of 12-15 repetitions per set with moderate weight, ensuring you feel muscle fatigue by the last rep but can still maintain proper form.  The weight should be heavy enough that you struggle to complete the last few repetitions with good form, but not so heavy that you have to sacrifice technique.

Weight Selection: Choose a weight that feels heavy enough that you are close to muscle failure by the end of the reps.

The Trapezius Muscle is one of the most important muscles of the back - this muscle functions as a stabilizer of the shoulder blades, which is crucial for arm and hand movement. It's action also affects the posture of the head and neck, which is important for body balance, and it protects the neck and spine. Strong trapezius muscles can also help with stability and posture.

The Rhomboid Muscles helps move your shoulder blade and keep your shoulder stable. They also help you pull back your shoulder blade, lift and rotate it, and help you throw, pull, and reach overhead.

The Biceps Brachii Muscle is located on the front of the upper arm and plays a crucial role in arm movements. Its primary functions include Elbow Flexion: The biceps brachii is a strong flexor of the elbow joint. It contracts to bend the forearm towards the upper arm. Supination: The biceps brachii also rotates the forearm, turning the palm upward. This movement is essential for tasks such as gripping objects or turning a doorknob. Shoulder Flexion: the biceps brachii helps to raise the arm forward.

The Brachialis Muscle is the the inner arm muscle, known as the workhorse of the elbow. It is a major flexor of the forearm at the elbow joint, flexing the elbow while it is in all positions.

The Brachioradialis Muscle helps flex the elbow, and stabilizes forearm activity in a neutral position (like holding a glass of water).

Today we were lazy - we didn't do anything spectacular.

We reveled in our slow day; and that's okay 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 

FEEDING MY SOUL/Self-Care~2025; Ocean Park-WA

SO good to listen to.

Pioneers of Messianic Worship (2025) | Full Official Documentary: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBQecYkvUy4)

SO much fun to see people I've met and known in my early Messianic Christian Walk - we've all gotten much older as the years passed 😂🤣

The Jesus People movement was fading when I became aware of the Messianic Jews for Jesus movement.

Over time, Bob joined me in the Messianic Walk, & I we met, fellowshipped, and sung with Stuart Dobermann, and Joel Chernoff.

From 1979 I was introduced by friends to the 'Jews for Jesus' movement, and the Messianic Band 'Lamb': I was immediately hooked (I had been praying for music I could relate to). I have listened to, & bought every song Lamb (Joel's band) ever out out: Bob & I met him in person in 2013; when he was a guest speaker/singer at the fellowship we were attending in Vancouver-WA. We met & fellowshipped with Stuart at a home fellowship in Lexington-WA, in 1987; at the time, he was a fledgling songwriter from Nebraska. I was also introduced to the 'Purple Pomegranate' Jewish Folk music, of Haight-Ashbury-CA (no longer operating), which I enjoyed. Stuart's music is sung in many Christian churches - and I spotted his songs in the hymnal at the Oak Point meets - I was glad to see that his songs had finally been put into a collection.

Paul Wilbur, a singer then with the Messianic Band, 'Israel's Hope' was an instrumental singer Bob listened to during his 1981 healing, following his death & resurrection (there are witnesses to this fact, as well as medical documentation on record). Paul's early messianic songs were too frantic for me … but, Bob loved the frenzy.

I had been listening to Marty Goetz's songs every Saturday on televised 'The Jewish Voice' program. Bob started watching with me after he got saved in 1981. And our biker friend Dave Hargrove started joining us in our livingroom, every Saturday: he eventually got saved & left this Earth in 2014, and I will see him again when my ticket to paradise is stamped 😊

Since 1988, Bob & I attended Messianic Fellowships in Portland-OR & Vancouver-OR, pretty exclusively. When Bob was called home beyond the clouds, the winter of 2018, it took me a while to drive myself to the Vancouver fellowship again & I went every Saturday morning until I remarried.

Holland gets nervous around anything Jewish - including me: this is part of the redmill religion paranoia.

BUT, my messianic lifestyle is being brought back into the home environment. For 30 months it has been stopped because Holland would get so furious; he was so fearful of anything Jewish, and accusing me of practicing seventh day aventism, and literally calling me a devil worshipper (his actual words a few minutes ago 😔). Now, I'm just tired of being silenced, & I'm really tired of trying to explain something he does not want to hear - he is determined to believe what he believes; he has been indoctrinated by the redmill religion based on cultic tyranny, and fear to hold him from breaking lose.

Personally, I intend to have peace reigning in the home; I have tried to meet my new husband halfway … but he is only interested in digging his heels in to force the devilish redmill religion. I am no longer going to be bullied, or shut down.

Messianic songs, again, will fill the interior environment.

And Shabbat meals with challah will grace weekend table, again.

I am going to be myself, again … and he can join me, or not: the choice is his. But there will be no more fighting with him on this issue. The Home Atmosphere is my decision (Holland has been very clear on male-female roles; I am going to hold him to his role preferences), and I intend to have peace reigning in the home. Our time spent in CA through the next few months should be interesting …

I'm glad I found this documentary; Elohim always provides 😁👌

THE SUM OF SMALL EFFORTS; Ocean Park-WA

3 days left before we hook up, and pull outta here.

We'll be glad to leave the chill & fog behind. It's been a real bummer at the beach, this year 😕

Betsy & Independence; very foggy here, today; Ocean Park-WA

Another dense fog warning - it's been like this most of our time here, this year; we'll be glad to leave this behind.

We both spent the day intermediately between tasks and down time with online scrolling's: Holland worked more of Betsy projects, and social media … and between relaxing movies, I was securing stuff so it wouldn't bounce off the walls when Independence is trucking down the highway - I drafted Holland at one point, to help me store the lawn chairs in the upper bunk 😘

By Day's end, we had really accomplished quite a bit, even with out small-efforts-lazy way of going about it.

And, I even found time to get a short workout, in - nothing intense; but every little bit helps; a couple months from now, I will appreciate today's sum of small efforts 😉

Full Body Workout Muscles.

The Step Half Jacks is a low impact, full-body exercise, that engages a range of muscles, primarily in the legs and glutes (quadriceps, calves, glutes) and the core (abdominals and lower back), with the shoulders and arms also participating in the movement. This exercise is good for balance, stability, and cardiovascular health.

The muscles of the lower back include the erector spinae group (iliocostalis, longissimus, and spinalis), multifidus, and quadratus lumborum. These muscles work together to support the expand, rotate, & stabilize the spine - to maintain posture, and to enable activities such as bending, lifting, and walking. 

Glutes, quads, & calves muscles.

Shoulder & Upper Back muscles.

Lower Back muscles.

The Step Back exercise helps improve balance and overall lower body stability - and it's knee-friendly, making it a good option for those with knee issues.

Supper was a steamed meal of veggies and pork steak - it actually turned out pretty good. While we ate, we talked about things we hope the weather will allow us to enjoy on our way to Coalinga-CA … as well as some things we hope to enjoy once we get there.

We're both looking forward to new adventures 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - 'Home' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHEOF_rcND8)

WET & GUSTY SHABBAT EVE~Self-Care; Ocean Park-WA

This Shabbat is a rock and rolling event … stormy weather has come to the peninsula 😒 and that's a fitting end to a rocky 2 weeks overshadowed by sibling deaths (both sides of our Union), and another sibling attacked in in her home by a stranger - police later informed her was a sex offender.

I am more than ready for my Shabbat Rest period ☝️🕊️

Admittedly, the observation has been trimmed back significantly since remarriage because my new husband is convinced my Shabbat observance is a seventh day adventist thing: I have told him repeatedly that I am a Jew, and though I am a Messianic Jew ✝️ (meaning saved by Yeshua's atonement) and do not adhere to the orthodox rituals … I do keep the observance for a 24 hour period 💖

I am not going to argue with anyone about whether a Christian should observe the Sabbath or not – I DO because Yeshua DID. The Early Church DID … and I DO now.

But before I settle in for my 24-hour reboot period, I did some very necessary self-care things: (1) I blocked a sibling on FB; she is self-destructive and if I don't block her - I'll find myself checking her Page to make sure she's okay. I came to the decision this morning that I really do not need the frustrated stress. I'm cutting her loose ✂️, and letting Elohim check in on her (2) I stayed focused on my body toning 🏋️‍♀️ goal 👌

8-lb. Dumb-bell weight & 10-lb Kettlebell weight; 8 to 10 repetitions EA exercise; you can go at your own speed, throughout the Day.

Calorie burn & steps taken this year, compared to last year - same day, same timeframe.

1 mile walked today … and I never left the house.

54 mins workout; 470 calories burned; swept floor, made bed, did exercise sets during that timeframe.

Heart Rate during workout period; safe range for my age & physical limitations.

And Holland has been engaging in some introspective thoughts, also. He is thinking we'll be packing up and moving the end of this month; he's cutting some familial ties ✂️ with self-destructive people, also.

We're making wise decisions. We're building a Life that works for US.

Life is just too short to keep spinning our wheels. The familial hamster wheels keep us both so stressed that our bodies are ballooning with the fallout 😟🤦🏻‍♀️ Hopefully, putting some distance between us and the stressful situations - as well as changing the way we eat, will help with the cortisol issue. Our joints need some relief, as well as our hearts & emotions.

Cortisol:

(https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22187-cortisol)

Plus the weather here, since April, has been cold and wet 😔; we can literally count on 1 hand how many sunny, warm, days we have enjoyed here this year. In all honesty, the weather everywhere has been pretty rotten; but at least there was some warmth in the lower regions of America: he's looking into some of those warmer climates, and planning routes for sun chasing 😎😘

Wet & gusty, today; Ocean Park-WA  5:50 PM

Gale  Watch Warning; Coastal

We live on the road - and our home is slightly elevated; we feel strong winds.

Holland is seriously contemplating pulling stakes here, the end of this month.

We are both wanting, and hoping for a warmer and unifying days ahead 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

It's Holland's time to whip things up in the kitchen until Monday; my husband does not know how to "cook light". He knows how to cook bachelor carnivore fare, and totally cancels the fact that he is no longer spry rooster working the carnivore fare off 🤦🏻‍♀️; he's a senior aged couch potato living the retirement Life of Riley - and I'm trying to lose fat … while my husband is feeding me fatback soup with man-size toasted cheese sandwiches 😕

Even toning and burning calories, I'm probably just breaking even, at this point. But, he is a good man who is good for me - plus, he does make good food 😘 And I am determined: it may take me an entire year to get back into some of my closet clothes 🤞 (there are 52 weeks in a year - if 1 lose 1 pound a week, it's still doable) but it's gonna happen.

Now, I'm going to take my fat & sassy/aching in a good way body upstairs to bed - where I'll while away a couple hours listening to the raindrops tap dance across Independence's roof, and read a couple more chapters in the Clive Cussler novel that's picking up speed in narrative action: I'm going to ignore the world's chaos for the next 23 hours …

Picking up where I last left off … tonight is a perfect night for reading about stormy weather 😉