I'M NOT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE; Coalinga-CA

I'm not like everybody else.

I have baggage I'm not sure will ever be 100% sorted out; or even laid to rest before my body gives out and my spirit soars beyond the clouds.

But I have been trying to get a handle on things and stay on an even keel - most of the time I can float my boat through untroubled waters with ease: other times, turbulent rapids appear seemly out of nowhere, and my poor safety boat is violently tossed about as it it propelled forward against my will. I am disoriented in the rapid movement that disturbed my peaceful surroundings; it takes a while to gain control of the situation and bring my little boat safely through to an calmer, easier passage.

* A survival-mode childhood = baggage I'm not sure can ever be truly unpacked until I cross those Pearly Gates, beyond the Blue.

* A 1st marriage with a difficult stepchild that never acknowledged my place in his father's life, and steadily fought me for 44 years.

* A 1st marriage in which my then husband died 3 times … the last dance, with the Grim Reaper collecting.

* Unfounded, vicious, and malicious accusations hurled at me in my most terrifying & disoriented moments while I sat death watch: by in-laws, sister, & children.

* Swift, blue-smoked-abandonment by immediate family following my husband's physical death.

* Widow bullshit legalities that constantly kept me in survival mode for 2 years.

* A difficult 4-1/2 year process of rebuilding a New Life from the torpedoed remains of my previous Life.

* A scary, yet determined, will to reach out to strangers and form friendships: I'm very thankful to Elohim for the friends gained - those who truly love me despite my cracked shell, those who stayed with me during my difficult years - those who still stick, even if they sometimes scratch & shake their heads in bewildered [what the hell, Val] moments I manage to get myself into when my little boat goes shooting down surprise rapids.

* A difficult Mr. Complication firmly established in my New Life, adding more complications to an already complicated life. I had warned him that first night he took me for an evening cup of coffee, and started talking marriage right off the bat: I said very clearly with stress emphasized - "Are you sure you really want this? I come with baggage, Holland. I will make you angry - really angry; I won't mean to, but it will happen. I come with baggage. I'm not sure you're ready for me." He assured me he was "more than ready; I've been waiting for you all my Life." He had no idea - and insisted. We drove to Reno-NV & the deed was done. I had no idea what kind of baggage he was dragging along: it's much worse than mine, and he keeps it close, refusing to let it go so he can heal. I am at least working on my issues. Mr. Complication refuses to acknowledge he has issues.

My Life since January 2023, is caught in a spin cycle of continual upheaval.

Before Mr. Complication, my stresses were manageable & I had some sense of peace in my life, tranquil situations, and a carefully managed environment where the roar of approaching turbulent waters was muted, and mostly avoidable because I steered my safety boat towards calmer waters. But my new husband likes deep water - he likes the roar of danger; and constantly steers our ify boat into troublesome rapids. Mr. Complication seriously stresses me out … and short of death, there is no way out.

My Life's carefully rebuilt structure is faltering under the pressures of a  new life, new husband, new experience stresses of redmill psych ward trauma dramas: Mr. Complication doesn't want to change … but, I can change my reactions to his courting of danger; and that is what I will be doing with the unfolding of this new year that started last eve - and will wrap up on September 22, 2026.

I need to regulate my immediate surroundings again.

The Marmalade - 'Reflections Of My Life' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUFpq7MWn4I&list=RD79NiN7ISW7E&index=2)

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is a severe form of PTSD that develops after prolonged or repeated exposure to traumatic events.

My entire Life has been laced with repeated exposures to traumatic events; there's never been a true rest between them.

THE KINKS - 'I'm Not Like Everybody Else' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y76ilaVZ5FM&list=RDY76ilaVZ5FM&start_radio=1)

Re-experiencing Flashbacks: Feeling like the traumatic event is happening again.

There are people and places I actively avoid because deep memories are strongly associated with them. I'm not anti-social … I am selectively social. WA is a place that holds great discomfort for me; for many reasons. WA & OR will always be places filled with memories of Bob - and though all my memories of Bob are good ones, those memories do not belong in my New Life; my New Life deserves a chance to grow without old memories infringing on that growth. In reference to my new husband, all WA State represents to me, is chains of bondage that he needs to break free from in order to live a full adult life where death does not court him at every turn of the road. MPO. I would prefer to stay away from WA forever.

Scriptures encouraging a calm soul include Philippians 4:6-7, which advises releasing anxiety through prayer and promises Yeshua's peace, and Isaiah 26:3, stating that perfect peace comes to those who trust in Elohim. Psalm 131:2 describes a calm soul like a weaned child, while Psalm 37:7 calls for resting in Yeshua and waiting patiently. Galatians 5:22 points to peace as a fruit of the Ruach HaKo'desh, and Proverbs 17:27 links a calm spirit to self-control and wisdom.

Intrusive thoughts and nightmares: Unwanted memories or disturbing dreams that disrupt your daily life.

Before Mr. Complication's horns revealed themselves, and his rebellious spirit introduced stressful chaos back into my Life, I had successfully managed to keep unwanted memories and disturbing death watch memories at bay. But now, constant interactions with his suicidal family members - and his own taunting dance with the Grim Reaper, those unwanted memories & disturbing death watch flashbacks are intruding into my sleeping hours: I am waking up more tired than when I fell into bed. Intrusive thoughts are draining.

Several Bible passages emphasize trusting in Yeshua to find peace and release anxiety. Philippians 4:6-7 speaks of finding peace that surpasses understanding through prayer. Isaiah 26:3 highlights the perfect peace granted to those whose minds are focused on Elohim. In Matthew 11:28-29, Yeshua  invites those who are weary to come to Him for rest. John 14:27 offers Yeshua's peace, which differs from worldly peace, to alleviate troubled and fearful hearts. 1 Peter 5:6-7 encourages casting anxieties upon Elohim, Who cares for you. Psalm 46:10 advises being still to know Elohim.

Avoiding reminders: Making a significant effort to avoid people, places, or situations that remind you of the trauma.

On my own, I studiously avoid trigging factors. But now that I share my life, home space, and vehicle with a new husband … these triggers are constantly tripped with his insistence that we drive back to WA every 3 or 4 months for a 2 or 3 month stay so he can tear the highway up between where Independence is set up, and Kelso-WA. WA State holds a lot of triggering episodes, for me - that, and my husband's attitude when he comes home from his Kelso forays constantly keep our lives in turmoil and seriously disturbs our home environment. If it were up to me, I'd never go back to WA.

And, I need to find and attend a local Fellowship - no matter where we are located; connection with other Believers are a necessity n a Christian's Life.

Scriptures from the Bible advise choosing companions wisely to become wise, avoid harm, and encourage spiritual growth. Proverbs 13:20 states, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm", while 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns, "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character'". Other verses like Hebrews 10:24 encourage "spur[ring] one another on toward love and good deeds" by meeting together, emphasizing the importance of community in strengthening faith.

Hypervigilance & World Safety: Feeling constantly on guard: A heightened sense of alertness and a persistent feeling that something bad is about to happen.

Mr. Complications steady stream of complications, constantly keeps me on edge. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop in our eggshell-walk existence. My head, and my heart, would appreciate a rest from the stirred up chaos.

Scriptures suggest living a safe life by seeking Elohim as a refuge (Psalm 46:1), casting cares on Him (Psalm 55:22), and living with integrity (Proverbs 1). Other passages advise caution for a safe life by listening to wisdom (Proverbs 1:33), being prudent (Proverbs 22:3), and living a quiet and diligent life (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12).

Argent - 'Hold Your Head Up' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvfxI9yD2dM&list=RDjvfxI9yD2dM&start_radio=1)

 

I'm embarrassed with where my Life is currently at, because I took extra-special precautions following Bob's exit from my life to make sure complications like this didn't happen. I actually met Mr. Complication at a country fellowship I was attending 2020 through 2022; but being focused on rebuilding a life from the shattered remains of a previous life, I forgot that demoniacs often clothe themselves in light, and frequent churches (he told me his parents were evangelists, he learned the Bible with his cousins sitting around his grandmother's kitchen table for Bible Studies; he & his entire family network can quote scriptures unerringly - they just don't know Who Yeshua is, and none of them life any portion of Bible in their private lives; they have endless excuses to excuse sin and make it appear a moral standard: it's craziness running unchecked). I don't run with risky people; I was caught off-guard. The hostile goat I live with in the now, blindsided me with his cultivated lamb persona - the horns didn't come out until we returned from our Reno-NV marriage ceremony. I was stunned. I'm still reeling from constant boat rocking that threatens to shatter as it hurls through the choppy, boulder-strewn rapids of a turbulent life.

To live in a hostile environment, the scriptures advise Believers to seek wisdom and discernment from Elohim (Proverbs 3:5-6), do not conform to the pattern of the world (Romans 12:2), and overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). Believers are also encouraged to love their enemies (Matthew 5:44), put on the full armor of Elohim for spiritual defense (Ephesians 6:10-18), and rely on Elohim's presence and strength (Isaiah 41:10). Finally, find encouragement and strength in community (Hebrews 10:24-25) and know when it's appropriate to set boundaries or depart from harmful situations.

Difficulty relaxing: feeling physically tense and struggling to unwind. 

It is a real struggle to relax when Mr. Complication is always vibrating with chaotic familial fallout; that need to be in everyone's business - instead of tending to our relational business is seriously eroding this marriage. It's a real struggle to relax when the redmill psych ward trauma dramas are in play in our Life; feeding into his TBI and triggering my CPTSD.

To overcome emotional turmoil, scriptures advise surrendering anxiety to Elohim through prayer, trusting in His strength and presence during hardship, and seeking inner peace by cultivating self-control and forgiveness. Key verses include 1 Peter 5:7 ("Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you"), Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"), and Isaiah 41:10 ("Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you"). 

Emotional dysregulation: Difficulty managing intense emotions, leading to rapid shifts between feelings like anxiety, and anger.

My emotions haven't had a restful day since we got back from our Reno-NV tying-the-knot venture.

Regardless of circumstances, choose to rejoice in Yeshua, as instructed in Philippians 4:4 and 1 Thessalonians 5:16. Find reasons for joy through consistent prayer and thankfulness, as the Bible encourages in 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18. View trials as opportunities to grow in faith and perseverance, which can lead to great joy, according to James 1:2-3. Find your ultimate joy in Yeshua Himself, as Psalm 37:4 suggests, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart". Express joy by singing and giving thanks to Yeshua, especially in His presence, as described in Psalm 95:1-2. Let your songs and shouts of praise reflect the joy that Elohim brings into your life, as seen in Psalm 100:1-2. Practice thankfulness in all situations, recognizing that this is God's will for you in Yeshua Ha'Mashiach, according to 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Find happiness in showing mercy to the poor, as Proverbs 14:21 states that happy is the one who has mercy on the poor. Be a source of joy and encouragement to others, refreshing their hearts as described in Philemon 1:7. 

 

Irritability: Feeling easily annoyed or sensitive to change in verbal tone, or the slightest shift in body language.

This actually goes both ways when the heat is on: Mr. Complication's TBI & my CPTSD speedily come to the forefront when the triggering pressures build to the spill over stage.

James 1:19-20: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of Elohim". This verse encourages patience and thoughtful responses rather than quick anger. Proverbs 15:1: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger". It highlights how a gentle approach can de-escalate a situation, while a harsh word can worsen it. Proverbs 14:29: "Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly". This emphasizes that patience and understanding are signs of wisdom, whereas a short temper leads to foolish actions. Ephesians 4:26-27: "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil". This verse suggests that while anger itself isn't always sinful, it must be managed quickly and not allowed to fester, which can create opportunities for negative influences. 

Proverbs 16:32: "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city". This proverb highlights the strength found in self-mastery and emotional control. Be slow to speak and slow to listen: The scriptures advise listening more and speaking less to avoid unnecessary provocation. Control your spirit: Instead of acting impulsively, it is better to exercise restraint and control over your emotions. Avoid letting anger fester: Unresolved anger can lead to more significant problems, so it is important to address the cause of the anger and find a resolution. Practice forgiveness: Rather than holding onto anger, the scriptures encourage kindness, compassion, and forgiving others. 

Negative self-image: An undermining of self-worth.

It took me a lifetime … and 4 years of harrowing widowhood to learn to appreciate myself and cultivate a positive self-love - not in an egotistic way, but more as appreciative gratitude that comes with being a daughter of the Most High God. These 3 years with Mr. Complication have seriously eroded that positivity as he has kept up a steady prattling complaint about every aspect of my being; including my Faith.

Focus on Your Identity in Yeshua - You are Elohim's Masterpiece: Ephesians 2:10 states, "For we are Elohim’s handiwork, created in Messiah Yeshua to do good works, which Elohim prepared in advance for us to do". This emphasizes that your value comes from Elohim, not your actions or flaws. Ephesians 1:7 says, "In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of Elohim’s grace". This highlights that Elohim's love is the source of your acceptance. Romans 8:1-2 assures Believers, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Messiah Yeshua. For the law of the Ruach HaKo'desh, Who gives life in Yeshua Ha'Mashiach, has set you free from the law of sin and death".  2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For the Spirit Elohim gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-control". You are empowered by the Ruach HaKo'desh to overcome fear and timidity. Philippians 4:6-7 advises, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Elohim". This fosters peace of mind through prayer. Philippians 4:13 is a powerful affirmation: "I can do all things through Him, Who strengthens me". This verse helps counter feelings of inadequacy by reminding you of Yeshua's strength available to you.

 

Remember God's Unconditional Love~God Thinks About You: Zephaniah 3:17 declares, "Messiah Yeshua, your God is with you, the mighty warrior Who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing". This shows a God who rejoices in His people.

Loss of self: A fractured sense of who you are.

With Bob's physical death, I lost all sense of purpose; the total abandonment of the kids further eroded my sense of purpose. And Mr. Complications bitter verbal barbs are chipping away at the little purpose left. More and more, I am asking Elohim, "Why am I still here - I have no purpose. I need purpose." Life is aimless without purpose. No - I am not suicidal: I am questioning and seeking redirection.

Trust in Elohim's Plan: Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise of hope: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares Elohim, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Elohim's plans for you are good.

 

Difficulty with relationships: Struggles with trusting people.

It is a no-brainer that trust is eroded when people continually give you so many reasons not to trust them … broken promises, devilish behavior, hurtful words, yo-yoing relational complications - just to name a few.

To navigate difficult situations, scriptures advise casting your burdens on Elohim, finding rest in Him, trusting His plans, and seeking His strength, as seen in verses like Psalm 55:22, Matthew 6:34, Isaiah 41:10, and Jeremiah 29:11-13. These passages emphasize that Elohim is a refuge, a source of strength, and that through Him, Believers can overcome challenges with peace and hope.  Psalm 55:22:"Cast your burden on Yeshua, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved". This verse encourages surrendering worries to Elohim, Who will provide support and stability. Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in Elohim with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding". This passage calls for complete trust in Elohim and His wisdom rather than human intellect when facing difficulties. Jeremiah 29:11-13: Elohim declares, "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you hope and a future". This emphasizes Elohim's overarching benevolent plan for those who seek Him. Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". This verse offers reassurance of Elohim's presence, support, and divine power in times of struggle. Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Elohim. And the peace of Elohim, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds". This passage encourages a prayerful approach to worries, leading to Elohim's peace. Psalm 46:1: "Elohim is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble". This verse identifies Elohim as a secure shelter and source of strength during difficult times. 

It's a Beautiful Day - 'White Bird' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoeZsTLvSd0&list=RDGoeZsTLvSd0&start_radio=1)

 

Physical symptoms: fatigue, headaches, chest pains, and dizziness, or issues with your digestive system due to constant stress; trembling, sweating, or feeling nauseous.

I do have to admit that my digestive issues have settled down … but, the other physical discomforts have amped up with the arrival of Mr. Complications complications.

To overcome illness and problems, scriptures offer a path of trust in Elohim's power, seeking His healing and strength, and maintaining faith through prayer. Key verses include Isaiah 41:10 for strength, Matthew 11:28-30 for rest from burdens, 1 Peter 2:24 for healing through Messiah Yeshua's wounds, Philippians 4:6-7 to overcome anxiety, and James 5:14-15 for the power of faith-filled prayer for the sick. Elohim promises to heal: "For I am the Lord who heals you" (Exodus 15:26). Physical Healing: "By His wounds you have been healed" (1 Peter 2:24). "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Yeshua will raise them up" (James 5:14-15). "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are the one I praise" (Jeremiah 17:14). "Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10). "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30). "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Elohim. And the peace of Elohim, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds" (Philippians 4:6-7). "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). "Trust in Elohim with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

LAMB~JOEL CHERNOFF - 'Heal Me' song:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GPHGqo_oQg)

For many people, CPTSD is a lifelong condition. I don't do medical guinea pig, or hamster wheel, stuff. And numbing situations with drugs is not a viable solution; I don't use drugs. MPO. Instead I'm going to be working on my issues with Yeshua's healing help: that is what works for me.

Core Biblical Principles~Love and Forgiveness: Show love even to enemies and pray for those who mistreat you, as illustrated by Yeshua's teaching to turn the other cheek and love your enemies. Respond with slowness to anger and a heart of compassion, patience, and kindness toward others. Do Not Retaliate: Avoid returning evil for evil; instead, overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21). Strive to live in peace with all people, when possible (Romans 12:18). Pray for wisdom to know how to respond in each situation and to gain a deeper understanding of others (Proverbs 11:14). Matthew 5:44-45: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven". Romans 12:17-21: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil... If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all". Ephesians 4:31-32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Yeshua; Elohim forgave you". Proverbs 19:11: "Prudence is a gift that calms anger, and it is a credit to overlook an offense". Pray for the person causing difficulty to bring them to a better path. Set Boundaries: While love is paramount, healthy boundaries are also essential for self-protection and can be a part of godly counsel and action. Recognize that vengeance belongs to Elohim; do not take it upon yourself (Romans 12:19).

Todah, Yeshua My Savior, Messianic Jewish Worship Song. Hebrew English Praise Song, Original Music:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HuBcnxHbkk).

The word todah (תּוֹדָה) is a Hebrew term that primarily means thanksgiving and praise. It can refer to a verbal expression, a written or sung offering.

I am leaning into Elohim, inviting Yeshua's peaceful embrace, and allowing the Ruach HaKo'desh to show me a peaceful way to live with my hell's angel husband amidst the red flags (he didn't ride with them, but a cousin did; my husband just stirs up hellish behavior & entertains demons). I lived with my mother & her craziness for 17 years … I should be able to juggle my husband's familial craziness with ease; I'm just tired of always being wary on this battlefield that is now my Life.

I know there's a sanctified way of dealing with this situation, I just haven't found a workable solution yet; I think the road map may be found in rest; so that's what I'm going to be practicing. Holland has already been notified that I am taking a year to restock, recharge, and reset (from 9-21, a few days ago to 9-21-2026). And I'm sticking to it.

I will be distancing from that people and situations that make me uncomfortable; Holland has been informed that my mingling days are over. If he wants to spend time with ME … it will be with decent people; and if that's not something he's keen on - he can spend time alone. But I am done with devilish behaviors. I intend to cross Heaven's threshold, when I take my last breath!