8 hours ago I posted that I was going off social media; I may have to rethink that.
Social media is my only source of people contact - even if only from a distance. You all know peopling isn't my thing; I can do it for a while, but peopling really drains me. I have a messed up background, long before Bob & I married: I shared that background with Bob, and he was my comfort. My anchor in times of turmoil. I didn't even have to speak half the time I was struggling. He just knew by looking at me, and would comfort me. Bob knew I was a Christian while we were dating, he never said a mean word about my faith when I raised our daughter in the Messianic Christian Faith: eventually, he too, became a solid Messianic Christian. I know he is now in Heaven.
Holland belittles my Faith at every turn - and for a while I held off listening to my music, baking my bread & meals: but now, since he's throwing me under the bus, I'm rising up and openly playing my music - I will be baking my Friday bread loaf, and I will be cooking my spicy meals for myself. He can leave the house if he doesn't like the music (if I try to play it in the pickup, he turns the volume down, and takes the DC's out), and he doesn't have to eat the bread, or the food.
I'm really embarrassed by the way my Life since December 14th, 2018, has turned out.
CPTSD is complex.
I NEED PEACEFUL situations in my Life - it's not a request: it's a solid foundation, non-negotiable.
Remarriage seemed like such a good thing at the time; I deliberately and very specifically stayed away from the dating scene. I was very open about that stance. Holland was a good friend, he made me laugh … and slowly, he brought me to life, again. He begged me to marry him. But the laugher stopped in Reno, and what ever [this] is, has been a nightmare, pretty much from Day #1. Holland has serious issues concerning marriage and women, in general. I am a woman - we are married: it's like oil and water with him; and he always strikes the match to set things on fire. I've tried my best to make it workable, but sometimes things never work out. This sham of a marriage is at that point.
It is true that Holland did race me through a couple states, but with that ferrying came lots of verbal abuse. Lots of tears. Lots of accusations. Lots of bullshit. Loss of trust. Loss of voice. All the concessions were on my end - Holland gave up nothing. He kept me a secret, until I insisted he tell people that he was married. He kept up secret phone calls at nighttime. He believes every conspiracy theory that is floated down the pike - and some of it is pretty far out (not in a good way). He led a double life. He was never once honest with me. And a.l.w.a.y.s., the unscrupulous characters of Kelso, Woodland, and Oak Point are in the mix.
And when he gets called out, he tries to turn the table and make me the problem. When I say I don't want him engaging in midnight phone calls - I'm a hater. When I tell him (((I))) should be a part of his daytime Life & budget considerations … he accuses me of trying to run his Life. The point is, there's no place for me in Holland's life. His life is full, and there's no place at his table for me. I serve no purpose except for a booty call once in a blue moon.
I'm not okay with that - but that's the redmill way: women are useless unless they are on their backs & wives are left home while the redmill men motor off to Sturgis … except Lana, Lana apparently was included on the Sturgis runs because she never stops talking about it - actually suggesting Sturgis for our honeymoon when she heard we were getting married. WTF. That does not sound much like a Christian lifestyle; and he claims both his parents were evangelists. To my way of thinking they were hell's ambassadors allowing adultery, debauchery, their teenage children to have live-in lovers & the males to freely spread their seed - skipping out on the resulting babies, blatant drug abuse among ALL the family members, alcohol freely served to minors for breakfast, inheritance thievery that results in serious physical harm, and a crazy-assed religious outlook that literally preaches suicide is a ticket to Heaven, prison is a second home, and you don't tell anyone about Jesus or the need for salvation, because islam is equal to Christianity: not sure what kind of "bible" they read, but it's not like any Bible I KNOW: maybe a satanic bible. Yeah, this marriage is lopsided and straddling a serious morals fault line - I don't believe ANY of that is okay, and once again, I am called a "hater", I don't "understand Christianity", "no one can please you!" …
… and I am "not worthy of being a redmill".
THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL FAVORS!
The redmills may be [big] in construction, but they are small in every other way. MPO. I didn't know anything about them before remarriage; and I wish I didn't know anything about them, now..
Holland and his entire family thrive on chaos.
I have my own shit to work through; I have no more time to wade through their bullshit. And as long as Holland sits at their tables … there will be no seat for him at my table. I may be going back to WA - but I will not be going back to hitch a ride on the redmill crazy train.
Maybe in distancing myself from Holland and the Kelso-Woodland-Oak Point nuts when we get back to WA, I'll get some self-respect back. Because I'm really embarrassed at how I let myself be strung along, hoping things would get batter. They never will; Holland doesn't "see the need for change" and he'll "never change!"
Well, that's too bad for him - and sad news for me.
The devil's tools sit in church - and I married one. I gotta say he was real good at "knowing the Word" … he just doesn't live it because he doesn't KNOW the Author, nor does he understand that knowing is worthless if you are not LIVING the Word. I am really embarrassed.
We do not share the same passions.
We do not speak the same language.
We do not want the same kind of relationship.
My Life is truly a real mess. It's going to take a long time to make it right, again. I'll be 70 yo next December; maybe by then, some of the time lost will have been recouped & I'll have a Name, & a Life, to be proud of again.
In the meantime, I'll be working on myself - living solo lobo in a marriage that is not a marriage & future Blog postings will be centered on that re-centering. Bob's physical death almost destroyed me; it was really hard for me to overcome. I figure if I managed to survive that … and I did: then, I will also be able to survive what Holland has put me through, and regain a purposeful life, again. This time wiser.
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