Not feeling so hot 😞 … I had a rough start to my Day, this morning: my throat is raw from the coughing, hacking up thick white mucus, & my chest aches with labored breathing; a light migraine headache was starting - I finally got up, so Holland could get the sleep his body needs to heal.
While waiting for my coffee to finish dripping, I listened to the trilling songs of early birds, outside my home's 4 walls:
I'm just happy to be out of bed & able to enjoy a cup of coffee.
I've been been laid low 🤧😴🛌 with bronchitis - which, thank the Lord 🙏, did not lead to asthma complications; I've been sleeping a lot - sometimes, literally falling asleep with my crochet hook in hand; and I am as shaky as a newborn kitten, when I stand up or engage in lengthy activities like cooking supper or washing dishes. I've also been drinking a lot of water, herbal teas, and broths, to stay hydrated. My lagging immune system is fighting to keep my lungs clear during this period of time where viral infections (cold or flu - either is possible with all the cold, wet weather we've been experiencing), allergens (all the Park trees are in pretty pastel bloom), or environmental irritants (the freeway traffic, nearly at our front door, never ends) … all lead to respiratory struggle, and my body's defense system goes into high-gear-action to fight off sensory overloads = coughing, asthma episodes, sneezing, itchy watering eyes, & sore throat from nasal drainage. Recovery occurs within 7-10 days for healthy adults - though people with asthma, COPD, or compromised immune systems may experience a longer recovery period.
My energy battery is seriously strained.
So, for the next couple of days, I'm just gonna keep things simple & low-key until at least the middle of April.
Holland wants to drive across the River, when he wakes up - to retrieve the mail … and he's wanting to stop in Kelso, on the way home: there's no way I can do that - any of that. My entire being is screaming out for rest, so I’m listening - and putting my foot down, standing up for ME. Without guilt.
I don't want to go anywhere.
I don't want to be pulled into conversation.
While normally, I am a blend of both Type #1 & Type #2 … when energy is lagging, I tend to become more isolating. I like to have my husband near to me, but I don't necessarily feel the need to be interacting all the time. Just lifting my head to look around now and then - and seeing him; and sometimes saying "oh, hello!" is enough, combined with all the quiet activity I'm already experiencing: when my energy is lagging, I have a LOT going on in my head (defenses which would keep constant thoughts somewhat reined in, is weakened & there is too much unrestraint fighting for attention in my head space) and I have lots of stuff spread out on my table - because I want to stay productively busy, instead of sleeping the Day away.
I also want to take this recoup time to reflect on ways to "redeem the time": this is where butterflies and lighthouses come into play 😉
Both represent a change of course.
Both offer a chance to move forward through uncharted waters.
I feel a pricking in my spirit to allow changes to take place here: here, where so much pain (my current husband's & mine) was inflicted. There is a [redeeming] that needs to take place, in both of our lives. Redeeming means to recover ownership, pay off, convert, fulfill, set free, or restore something; compensation (correcting an imbalance) for faults or deficiencies (honor, worth, reputation), or to serve as compensation (make amends or recover losses = to be equivalent in value or effect to; to counterbalance; to make up for). There is a lot to think about, as to the pricking 'why'!
Over the past 1,143 days, we’ve dealt with some pretty intense things - both individually, & as a couple: concerning health issues that need addressed, soon; severe & 'historic' weather upheavals; intense politics that can seriously affect our chosen lifestyle, as escalating fuel-groceries-& space rents cause us to pause & reflect on our next movement; unsettling world affairs that are causing chaos in our own country - most notably in major cities, which also causes us to pause & reflex on cautious routes forward. Add to those complexities the personal battles simultaneously fought through - sometimes shouldered together … but most often struggled through alone: as well as 3 unexpected deaths, & 1 expected in 2025; & 2 lingering as 2026 moves forward (from both camps of our united merger union).
2022 was overall good on a personal level, because I was rapidly healing more & more. Then just before the 2023 New Year, my life took a serious turn. Remarriage. Despite what some may think … I had given this turn of events serious consideration before taking the leap. I knew I had a lot of baggage tagged to my evolving Life. I know I am a handful, literally & figuratively - though I do not have a flashing neon sign over my heart signaling, "proceed with caution" - I do verbally warn significant life partners that I can be a loose bullet at times, always asking, "are you sure you want this?" to drive home the point I am making. I have baggage. I will be a lot to handle, at times.
In the 4 years leading up to the 2023 remarriage, I had suffered a heartbreaking shift from Wife to Widow; suffered a total break with my aging children, & the loss of my grandchildren. I had, by the summer of 2022, been in a welcome recovery from all of that heart, emotional, and spiritual pain: I felt I had successfully escaped the triggers riding the waves of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that had sunk roots, following my husband's physical death - and the ensuing family drama fallout that piggybacked on that Life blow. After years of wading through anxiety, flashbacks, irrational guilt, pent up rage, and sleepless nights; my Life was feeling more settled. I felt like some peace was finally at play in my Life. So, when my new man entered my Life in a big way, I embraced him enthusiastically, and after carefully weighing the pros and cons of remarriage, I said "Yes".
I didn't know that my new husband would also be bringing a truckload of his own recent personal traumas into the Life we were forging - and his pain would be a raw as mine. Most of our struggles would be similar, and hinge on the same trigger points. We would be caught in a looping cat-and-mouse shuffle in the ways we dealt with each triggering bouts of CPTSD symptoms … that would usher in new & fresh waves of depression, anxiety, flashbacks, irrational guilt, pent up rage, and sleepless nights. Our love for each other is unshakable - but our marriage is complicated. Perhaps it was naïve for either of us to think that our marital merger would put us beyond the point of suffering severe bouts of CPTSD symptoms; neither of us were expecting the complicating fallout. But we are slowly learning that this undertaking will likely be a lifelong journey of healing.
And Holland is learning a better way of dealing with issues - than the cut-and-run way his family (both sides) have dealt with struggles. He's learning that staying has healing benefits, that jumping up and running never will: lighthouse securities happen in turbulent times.
The good news is that although it is painful and exhausting, we no longer allow sneaker wave episodes to run our days - we recover quickly now. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. While the hard times, when they come, are painful; we're no longer "stuck" in the emotions stirred up. We complete the trauma cycle and feel the heals, each and every time. Regardless of individual scars, flaws, imperfections carried over from the Past into our Present … or those newer scars, flaws, and imperfections birthed by this new union - on which our Future will be shored up.
Exhausting? You betcha 😂 Worthwhile? Words can’t describe: no birth is ever easy 🙏🏼 Stuff will be stirred up again in time, and I now know that I’ll face it head on and come out stronger in the end, once again. Healing is worth it. It sucks, but it's worth it.
Regardless of what others think or say, understand or don’t understand. We own our journey; and we're proud of it. We've struggled - but we've also grown. Growth is messy; but it's also necessary for a healthy Life. Self-care and rest is also needed: time-outs, and wholesome resting is good and healthy … and we can do that, in peace now. Peace of mind, body, and spirit. And no one feels left out, or gets offended.
Thanks to all of you that have journeyed with me through the years, loving on me unconditionally & encouraging me with steadfast, faithful love - for listening with your inner ear as you read my evolution postings. I sincerely hope you are continuously doing the work to heal what needs healing in you also & know that each of you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you’re able to love yourself enough now to let go of what no longer serves … and know that you deserve peace. Joy is your birthright.
{{Caterpillars do die to become butterflies. This process is part of their metamorphosis, where they undergo a transformation that involves significant cellular breakdown. During the pupal stage, the caterpillar's body is digested by enzymes, leading to the formation of the chrysalis, which is the protective shell that forms inside the caterpillar. The caterpillar's body "melts" almost completely, and it releases nutrients that are used to build the new butterfly body parts. While some cells may die, others, like stem cells, survive and play a crucial role in the transformation. Thus, the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly is a complex biological process that includes death and regeneration. https://www.gardenswithwings.com/knowledge-nook/science-metamorphosis-butterfly }}
Perhaps - just maybe … my husband has a point in stating, "God wants you in WA". And if that is so - then, it is also quite possible that the "reason" is not for the reason my husband is thinking. It's highly likely that the changes to take place here, where so much pain was inflicted; involves a redeeming that needs to take place, in both of our lives 🤔
THAT is the "feeling" I am getting 💯🦋💞
As we all head into the weekend, this is your gentle reminder to pause, breathe, and let God restore the places that feel worn down. You don’t have to carry it all on your own - so, I'm sending out love, prayers, & healing vibes to all who need them. In Yeshua's Name, Amen 🕊️
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