I still don't know what's going to happen, but I do know I need steady Friends in my Life going forward. My Life is complicated with Mr. Complication … and I've lost a few friends this past year due to that. So, anyone on this Page who feels the need to bolt, has my understanding and "thank you's" for being with me until now.
This marriage is challenging - but it is not abusive (I know several of you will disagree): I know what abusive marriages are because my mother had one, and my sister Ramona had one; my marriage is nothing like those 2 were. Holland does not step outside of our marriage vows; and he never will. Holland does not beat me with his fists, or kick me with his boots, or throw furniture at me - and he'll never put me in a hospital with broken bones. Holland does not belittle me … or shame me in any way, in public. Holland does not subjugate me (he is, admittedly, very macho - but he is not cruel).
Holland is in a lot of physical pain; and unless Yeshua heals him, there is no relief - doctors aren't helpful, and pain meds do not truly work. Holland is also in a lot of emotional pain; childhood abandonment that forced him to join a man's workforce when he was 14 years old, and a father's refusal (as well as vicious and unsupported familial gossip) to acknowledge him and his siblings that caused (and still causes) him to suffer extreme rejection issues. The upheavals of both physical and emotional pain is intense, and there is occasional verbal fallout from that pain.
I have my own physical and emotional issues, too.
We both ride the unstable currents of trauma-induced emotions. Holland reined his current's in by self-medicating and withdrawing from the public masses. I reined mine in by a strict enforcement of a peaceful home environment. Both of our reigning in's have been tinkered with this past year and a half; self-medication and peaceful home environment have been messed with by spousal interferences as we try to make this marriage chart a smooth course that will satisfy both of us.
Elohim has given us a hard row to hoe, and sometimes when the heat is on, we want to chuck the whole thing; but when the dust settles we know we want to work the landscape together.
Strong Friends are sorely needed - and required.
I've lost a few friends this past year due to continual heatwaves that have wilted the green on the vine. So, anyone on this Page who feels the need to bolt, has my understanding.
If you stay, be forewarned that future forecasts can not guarantee a sunny outlook every day.
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