Holland has left me … but he is keeping his old life; and everything that went with it.
Currently, we are sharing the same space because there really is nothing else to do - but our lives are 100% moving in different directions: he is permanently tied to a lost childhood, a cultic Redmill Religion, the oak point craziness, argumentative relatives, past broken relationships, a Neanderthal mindset, a narcissistic mindset, and a Vicodin addiction.
I knew about the redmill religion, and the oak point craziness … but he effectively hid the rest from me until I signed on the dotted line.
NOT COOL 🤬
I have tried to overlook the Vicodin addiction because I know he is in pain - but exactly how much pain is not clear. Personally I do not believe it justifies popping narcotics like candy. He disagrees.
I have met very few of his "friends" … he has begrudgingly met 5 of mine.
He does "not want to be where it is cold, wet, and snowy"; my dream had always been to be a road gypsy, and Holland has more than fulfilled that dream for me - we've covered all of the West, mid-west, CA & AZ.
What happens now, I don't know, but I do KNOW that I do not want to be on the road full-time anymore with a man who is argumentative 24/7/365.
I do not want to constantly be berated because he is still on the Past Life Treadmill where someone (family, friend turned foe, ex-girlfriend, ect.) "did him wrong" = therefore I might, too. It's nutty living.
All I want is to live a peaceful life where laughter, love, and the friendly touch is more important than getting hopeless lost in The Past.
Holland does not let me into his Life.
He keeps things from me - KNOWING that truthfulness is a #1 BIGGIE with me.
I married Holland in good faith, but honestly considering everything he constantly carps about, I can not fathom why he married me when he daily finds things wrong with e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.I.s.a.y.a.n.d.d.o. I have come to understand that this is {the Redmill Way} … and perhaps THAT is the main problem: he is behaving exactly as the Redmill family does & I will never be a Redmill woman who accepts being treated badly/and or treats others badly.
I could say more, but I won't - what I've already shared is enough to help those who keep asking me how I am doing … see past the smile I wear in public. What I've shared in this post will also help those who are praying for me (or US; whatever is the case when they are praying) understand the warfare I have been dealing with since February 2023.
I was up-front with Holland before we married that I "do not do divorce; I marry for life": he was not up-front with me, concerning anything.
For a solid year he has been separating himself from me on a monthly basis.
Today is the final straw. I can't - no, let me REPHRASE - I will not do this anymore. For a solid year I have cried, smiled when I felt like crying, and tried to put a good face on a bad situation. But, I deserve better. I am better. And I'm moving on like he has (he wants a separation where he "doesn't have to answer to anyone": now he has one).
He's gonna miss me, bigtime.
This is not a "poor pitiful me, feel sorry for me" Post. This is a clarification Post for all the inquiring minds that have known for a while that things have been off-kilter. Now you know.
#10 - ALONE = NOT ALONE WITH GOD
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