Building a New Life is difficult. There are a lot of starts that fizzle out and go up in smoke.
Embarking on a new marriage journey, following a 44 year marriage has a lot of smokey fizzles; I was used to a settled atmosphere, knowing where I stood with my husband, who I was, and what my purpose was in that life we had built together.
This marriage with Holland is very complex 😟 and daily confusing. This marriage is really pretty new: 29 months old, to be exact. I’m still trying to find where I {fit} - or if I'll ever fit. Do I even want to fit? At this age, is it absolutely imperative that I be in these people's company to keep my marriage healthy? At what cost do we keep our lives separate? I've never been in any relationship that compares with this one I am in, right now 😑
There is no real connection with any of them. On any level. When Holland deems to include me in the visitations, they sit around talking about the Past - a Past I was not part of (thank the Lord!), rehashing incidents I'm better off not knowing about, and competing with victimhood complaints. It's isolating. It's annoying. The remembrances - to my point of view, are hair raising, at times. Overall, it's ridiculously time wasting. There is no real connection with any of them. On any level.
At home, I'm tired of all the 6 week blowouts 🤬 that never seem to solve anything, after the smoke clears. I'm not used to all the shouting, the stonewalling, the angry silences, blatant disrespect, or the poisoned leaves effect. I'm not used to any of the atmospheric chaos 🤠, or the stressful fallout, I've been living with the past 29 months.
I like a quieter, more relaxed vibe 👩❤️💋👨 I like living a life that does not teeter on rebellious adventures, dangerous pursuits, or criminal activity.
Holland and his family thrive on adrenaline rushes - some of the stuff I've heard! I am thankful I didn't know Holland any earlier - and I really wish he'd stop talking about those earlier days, distance himself from the adrenaline junkies, and settle into a more mature lifestyle. NONE of what I've seen or heard is Christian behavior … despite his parents having been in the ministry, his uncle pastoring a family church - and his uncle's daughter hosting Bible Studies, a great nephew being a youth pastor & music leader, or his nephew recently acquiring a pastoral position: n.o.n.e. of these people should be in a ministering position 😳🤔 Nada.
Building a New Life is difficult. Marriage can be challenging - marriage can also be a calling … and I'm beginning to think this marriage is exactly that. So, the other day, when obedience was once more brought into the heated exchange, I said, "I am obeying! I'm still here: trust me, I am in full obedience 😇 in where Elohim wants me to be. Apparently He thinks I'm badass enough to stick it out to the bitter end!"
Today, I worked a little more on my latest WIP (work in progress) ✂️👌, responded to a text from a friend 🙏, & engaged in body toning 🏋️♀️ ; redirecting my mind is a saving grace 😉
Building a New Life is difficult 💞🤦🏻♀️
These past 29 months have been difficult at times 😒😤🙏🙄😭😕🩹
But with Elohim's faithfulness, and Yeshua's healing, hope hovers 🕊️
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