Today was a lazy Day; neither of us did very much beyond the bare minimum.
Holland napped off and on.
I snipped Minerva's spent flower stalk, worked on my WIP, and watched vintage movies.
I cut the spent Amaryllis stem back, with a hope & a prayer for new blossoms.
Watching this Hedy Lamarr movie today, from start to finish, was introspective: not because Holland & I struggle with the ailment behind the suggestion of the movie's backstory - it was introspective because it highlights that struggles are complex, and truthfulness can be tricky when there is a gamble involved.
It also highlights the dicey position of unconditional love - in the best of situations, love struggles to overlook and accept flaws we see clearly in others, and tend to ignore in our own lives.
Dishonored Lady ~1947:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBguxB2Fo10)
Thankfully, as the end of 2025 draws near, Holland has decided to stick tight despite his inner struggles. I'm glad. He really is a good guy, and we are good for each other 99% of the time. That truth is what keeps us together.
As our 3rd Anniversary approaches, we are finally getting down to building a solid foundation to establish a companiable Home, on.
We are working through our individual problems … together. It isn't easy because my husband still keeps secrets - and I insist on honest openness, & a spouse first relationship policy. He is not used to openness; not because he is a male, but because the redmills are sketchy people engaged in sketchy behaviors. Behaviors he is ashamed of, yet behaviors he vehemently defends with 101 ridiculous excuses for ridiculous people. "Don't upset the family" & "take care of the family" is how he was raised, and he staunchly stands by that misguided creed. MPO is that it is not Holland's sole responsibility to sacrifice his own life's stability or happiness to keep shiftless, aimless, soul sick relatives afloat in their poisonous gene pool fed by a cultish religion that bears no healthy fruit; and is unrecognizable to actual Christians. And I'm fairly certain Elohim agrees with me. Holland disagrees with me - and Elohim's view of marriage: that makes our homelife difficult … even though he is sticking.
Holland insists on more submissiveness - and I admit I struggle with that. I am not used to handing the reins of my Life over to another so completely. Even Elohim allows me a fair amount of freedom to "come around" in my own time, in my own way. I am not used to an overbearing male, pickled to the -nth with exaggerated sense of machismo. I am understanding that this trait runs through both sides of his family tree; though the Harris branch is more relaxed in testosterone rush than the redmill branch.
The crux of our relational situation is that becoming who we are is not a steady, linear ascent into happiness: no one … and no healthy relationship, grows in one direction only.
When our lives get bigger, it expands outward.
We touch more.
We feel more.
We come to know more.
We tend to see more.
We become more.
The reality is that spicing 2 lives together to become 1, is not glamorous - real life marriages do not follow a lovey-dovey hollywood movie script. Real life marriages are not a 24/7/365 hollywood star cake walk. Real life marriages require diverging from the the well-worn path we know and have been comfortable treading. It will lead us to leave the safe trajectory of our well laid plans to risk everything, by trying anything that will bring a compatible balance.
The reality is that couples wanting to keep each other will blossom in the moments we are most convinced we are failing; and falling behind.
The reality is that when we are jolted awake by our own life's journey, we’re on the brink of a revolution. And the truth is that it won’t be easy, and it won’t be beautiful, but we’ll get to the other side and realize, that all along, there was a reason, there was a rhythm, there was a plan, there was a destination.
The reality of the situation is, as we come to find out, "it is what it is": and that realization gives us the freedom to enjoy the relationship we find ourselves in; it balances our expectations and gives us the blessedness of experiencing unconditional love … and that stabilizes our marriage.
No comments:
Post a Comment