April 17th: BRRR!! 35-freakin' degrees, this wet and cold morning 😒
I was up early because I needed to be in Longview, with Holland, at a medical appointment, for a knee X-ray & a specialist consultation, following. Last week, his regular doctor saw him, & set up an appointment with a specialist to discuss options for his knee pain.
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I was surprised he'd asked me to go with him: he's been shutting me out of these appointments, since Day 1, stating clearly that his life situations "are none of your business". I was also surprised to see that, when filling out the forms, he put my name down as Emergency Contact, with [Wife] tagged onto that - a full-on acknowledgment (finally) of my place in his life: at least for this particular situation. I was glad for both. I mean … we are still legally married, and it's important that I'm clued into his medical information; as well as being the #1 Person to be called if any medical issue arises. His family - the people he threw me over, for, certainly won't be there for him when the chips are down.
If this separation has finally broken that wall down, there is hope for more progress. I think he's been thinking a lot … seeing, and understanding that I am not backing down anymore. I meant it when I said the nonsense has to end. Before, when he threatened separation, I was emotional. But things changed this time when it became crystal clear that nothing would change unless I flipped the script - not only for his sake, but also for the sake of US. He was more than a little startled to note that I was capable of cutting him out of the character cast, and moving on. I had told him, repeatedly over the years, that I could … and would … do that, if pushed too far - and with no regret; but he didn't believe me, until it happened.
I learned during my widowing years that peace is the most important thing in my life now; and people that disturb that are usually gonna be kicked to the curb if they don't straighten up & start behaving. I have no more time for bullies. I make no more time for sanctimonious bullshit, in hopes of salvaging self-centered, dead-end relationships (family, friend, or wishy-washy foe). Life goes by, way to fast, and I don't have anymore days to waste on people who do not value my place in their life. I make no more room for fantastical bullshit blame games aimed in my direction - and glossed over, for everyone else. EX: I went 1 time to his uncle's church with his cousin, who invited me. I went to see if his uncle bob was the ogre Holland makes him out to be: he was ( and then some!); I never went back. I went 1 stinking time - and have never been forgiven for going - that was 3-1/2 years ago; Holland will throw that offense into every single argument. So, when he started again a couple weeks ago, I said, "Hold on! You keep beating me up verbally about that 1 time I went to bob's church with Crystal - 1 time, Holland! But Jake goes every Sunday, & you don't ride his back about it. Lana had Scott's funeral there, and you didn't go - for that very reason … but you're not tongue-lashing her; No! Instead, you pull up a chair at her table, drinking coffee with her and Jake with no penalizing condemnation, at all, for their attendance there. So, please! Stop with the self-righteous spiel! Shout at them what you're shouting at me - otherwise, stop. Just stop." And when he started with, "You just hate everyone!" I shook my head, saying, "The redmill's aren't [everyone], Holland - they may be, to you: but not to anyone else. And I don't hate them - I just don't want to have anything to do with them. Tell you what … I'm tired of this same old argument, about the same ridiculous people. You're finding fault in me where there is none - just so you don't have to deal with the realities of your crappy "family"; you're treating me badly because you [don't want to cause waves with the family]. I'm really tired of it all - the waves you are causing with us is seriously eroding whatever it is that we have between us; trying to survive. So, why don't you go live with the people you keep complaining I'm keeping you from, and give us both some peace. Go back to the life you keep complaining you want to [get back to]. Just go. And don't hurry back. I don't want to live with a man who feels he'd rather be anywhere - but here, missing out on whatever you think marriage is cheating you out of. I don't want to do this, anymore. I don't want to feel like a burden you need to bear, anymore."
And I didn't feel any regret at all, in saying any of it. I meant it. Every word.
So, we are separated.
And it's been real peaceful, here.
But he's been missing me.
And doing some thinking.
He thought I'd be sad - but I'm not. He thought I'd be waiting breathlessly for the phone to ring … or blowing his phone up with cries to come back - but I'm not. He's confused about my behavior - I'm not. I warned him that when the need for peace outweighed the constant chaos … I'd go solo lobo; breathing easy; softening up again; trusting that Elohim is at work, trusting that what's meant for US won't pass us by - doing what's best for me if he's so willing to let go of WE, to hang on to a Past that cut him loose a looong time ago.
I was glad he invited me to sit with him this afternoon. I was glad he publicly listed me as his wife. But I'm not going to fold that easily: this time, I want the feel-good-behaviors to be permanent; not just a temporary flight of fancy to get back in my good graces.
Whatever will happen will happen, & I'm letting Elohim set the pace. We can’t save anyone - and some people will defiantly pass up grabbing at the life preserver ring, to try to brave the waves of Life, alone: so, we hand them over to Yeshua, and leave them there. That doesn't mean we don't love them anymore - it just means that we have chosen not to drown in the waves, with them.
Before we left the medical building, he'd been given a cortisone shot in his knee (praise the Lord!), was told to shed 40 pounds (Holland nodded to me that he remembered I'd told him that same thing months ago, in Coalinga-CA, when he was talking knee surgery), and was told he needs to stop the nicotine chews: I received another acknowledgment nod. For the same reason. I said that I'd join him in the dieting: a 40 pound weight loss would be beneficial to me, too - and he won't feel like he's in the struggle, alone.
However, on the way back to Castle Rock, we did stop for one last tasty indulgence before the serious weight loss undertaking, tomorrow:
I did enjoy the Day out: no arguments. No fighting. But - I was thankful, too … to climb up the front door steps of my little home, cross the threshold, and feel gently welcomed & embraced by peaceful vibes that relaxed my entire being. My life isn't perfect, right now; and my little home isn't picture-perfect like the homes shown on some of the Blogs I have been visiting over the decades. But, it's mine, & it's perfect for me: it's a place where I can fully be myself - where I can have the audacity to unwind in whatever manner I choose. Where I can just be.
I finished eating my chow mien … then, did a kettlebell workout.
If you’ve been wondering whether kettlebell training is safe or appropriate for a 69 year old woman, the short answer is yes - it’s not only safe but genuinely transformative.
Here are some of the main benefits seniors will experience:
Improved Grip Strength: Essential for daily tasks like opening jars, carrying bags, or getting up from chairs.
Better Balance and Stability: Exercises like goblet squats challenge stabilizers and coordination.
Stronger Hips and Legs: Deadlifts and squats reinforce glutes and quads, making climbing stairs or rising from chairs easier.
Core and Postural Strength: Every kettlebell lift, demands spinal alignment and core bracing; improving posture.
Increased Bone Density: Loading movements strengthen bones, critical for reducing osteoporosis risk.
Mental Confidence: Knowing you can lift, carry, and move with ease builds psychological resilience.
The Darebee Full Swing workout is a workout that takes a seemingly simple move and through three basic variations challenges every major muscle group in the body. Perfect for those days when you want to do some resistance work but want a change from the dumbbell routines.
Here are essential safety considerations before starting:
Start light and focus on form. Technique first, then load.
Maintain a flat back and engaged core during deadlifts and carries.
Breathe deeply, exhaling through effort (standing up, lifting) to create natural bracing.
Avoid overhead pressing until you have strong shoulder mobility and stability.
Clear your training area to prevent trip hazards.
Listen to your body. Discomfort is fine; sharp pain is not.
Then, I snuggled in my nicely warmed bed, to get lost in the pages of Clive's current Fargo adventure; and sipped hot cocoa while waiting for the sandman to arrive.
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