October 1st: October has arrived. It’s time for pumpkin spice everything 🎃☕️😘; a time to cozy up - and be strategic in going after your dreams and goals with a new perspective.
Today while drinking my pumpkin spice coffee, I made a couple lid knob hot hats:
I designed and worked up 2 Lid Knob Hot Hats~MOD; Coalinga-CA
MOD LID KNOB HOT HATS; Coalinga-CA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/10/mod-lid-knob-hot-hats-coalinga-ca.html)
And I thought on Scripture to help me work through issues I'm going to be tackling to restore balance and joy.
My dreams and goals are still the same: I want to explore every mainland State. There's got to be a way to accomplish that, that will accommodate our faulty lungs & shoestring budget. New perspectives are being considered.
As I mentioned in previous posts, we are also working on ourselves.
Independently.
Focused.
With intent.
Tonight, while pulling this post together, I got to thinking about how we really didn't know each other at all before we got married and hit the road. I said to Holland, "You really didn't know much about me when we met - all you knew was what you saw on the surface: you saw a fun loving, carefree spirit. Someone who laughed a lot, and wore flashy clothes and sparkly makeup: someone who was evolving, and learning to embrace Life just for the sheer fun of it. You were unaware that making, keeping, and maintaining friendships was something entirely new to me - I was walking a tightrope of needing people in my life, and wanting to maintain a distance from people in general. You didn't know I carried a lot of unseen baggage that hamstrung me on occasion. That I struggled with severe trauma fallout that I had to rise above every minute of every day. You didn't understand the seriousness of my physical limitations. You didn't know that I was enjoying the freedom of simply feeling worthy of taking up space on Earth. For the first time in my Life, I wasn't responsible for anyone but myself. And I didn't know anything about you, either. I only knew you to be a shy guy, who felt most comfortable hanging out in the corner of a room instead of being front and center. You seemed to be a gentle giant with a kind demeanor - soft spoken, considerate, and in MPO entirely too accommodating with unscrupulous people who unashamedly took full advantage of you. You would read a room like I do. You appeared to be a Christian, who seemed to know the Scriptures. I didn't know that you carried unseen baggage that hamstrung you on occasion. I wasn't aware that you struggled with trauma fallout - or that you were dealing with severe physical handicaps that would feed off of your trauma fallout … or that trauma fallout could suddenly be triggered by a word or an action. I didn't know any of that because I wasn't paying that much attention: I was not interested in romance, and I don't get too close to anyone I am not romantically involved with: even with close friendships, people I've known all my life - I'm not, as a general rule, in steady contact with them: we only saw in each other what both of us allowed anyone to see of us. We only knew of each other what we were experiencing in the moment. I'm not saying we were dishonest; I'm just saying that neither of us really knew each other like we thought we did. And because we didn't know - and we are both pretty mum, still, about our personal lives, things are said and done that bring out the worst in us: the worst because our traumas are triggered and we don't know how to communicate those uncomfortable feelings to each other. You don't want to know, or to understand what I am dealing with - and you don't let me close enough to you to help you though your trauma issues. So, I'm working on myself this year because I don't like the person I've become with all the trauma drama that has been stirred up. I need to be in a happy frame of mind, for me, again."
And that's where I am mentally & spiritually, in the moment.
And I'll be working on myself alone - and with Yeshua, of course, but relationship-wise, I will be alone as I work through the tangled mess that has become my new life.
Only my first husband Bob, ever knew what I struggled to overcome every day. Even my kids and grandkids don't know my whole life story - mostly because they've never been interested enough in me as a person, to care … or celebrate small victories; they more interested in keeping their distances & nursing their assumptions, and I just let them. You can't talk butterfly language to caterpillar people.
Bob understood Butterfly Language; and he encouraged me to share my life story with him, so he could understand the scars and stand beside me in the heat of the battles I fought my way through to remain healthy, whole, and emotionally balanced. Bob loved me unconditionally.
I know my current husband loves me. But I know, too, that his affection towards me - like my kids & grandkids, is conditional. My new husband isn't interested in the deep secrets of my whole life story; I have tried, on numerous occasions, to clue him in on the [why's] of certain situations, but he either stops the conversations and reroutes it to a totally different topic - or he just shuts all communication down completely, and ices me out for a few days. He's never been interested enough to care … or understand small victories from my point of view. He's more interested in nursing assumptions; so, I've stopped trying to share concerns and milestones with him. You can't talk butterfly language to caterpillar people.
I also know that my current husband doesn't know how to deal with feelings of love that goes beyond superficial; I know he struggles with joyous happiness.
I understand that he's not ready to evolve yet: the caterpillar stage is a comfortable place for him to be, right now - it is a slow-mo mode that doesn't require a growth change. It's familiar. Everyone he knows in the life he lived before me, is caterpillar people.
So, I will bare my soul to Elohim, share my Life with Yeshua, bask in the comfort of the Ruach HaKo'desh - and keep making a cozy home environment inspired by 2022's Autumn dreams, while we work on ourselves & nurture the spark of love that still exists this Autumn of 2025.
Air Supply - 'Making Love Out Of Nothing At All' Video Lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRVD0OJg3c)
We both have hopes & dreams, and sometimes they do meld.
As the Day faded into evening, I caught sight of a pretty Autumn sunset as the sun slipped over the horizon beyond the almond orchard out back of this Park:
Tonight's sunset; Coalinga-CA
The beauty of Autumn reminds us that there is a certain freedom to letting go and trusting this new season.
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