I don't talk about my intimate family (private pillow talk between husband & wife, kids, grandkids, siblings); there are reasons for that - #1 reason is that it's really nobody's business.
BUT
This time I will. Because I'm tired of being the "bad guy". I'll only share these things this one time: I've shared some things with Holland during the duration of this unhappy marriage … but, he claims ignorance when the fight is on.
So …
Holland's favorite barbed accusation is: "you're so full of hate even your own family won't have anything to do with you! And you hate my friends because you don't have any of your own!" & "you are so hateful, you hate everyone!"
Holland's interpretation of hate is a LOT different than mine 😟
I won't share pillow talk because that is private husband and wife stuff, and even though Holland is "splitting the sheet", I won't spill private conversations. That is ours, alone.
However … because Holland thinks I've "lived a charmed life", let me clarify: as to siblings, kids, and grandkids: it's all a tangled mess - mostly of unnecessary shenanigans that cater to self, destructive lifestyles, drug usage, alcoholism, inappropriate {friends}, ect. Basically the same shit I am dealing with when it comes to Holland.
I was raised in religiosity, paganism, sexual misconduct, drugs, alcohol, and domestic violence. I do NOT want that in my personal life. I have been upfront about this with ALL my friends, and both husbands. I became a Christian at age 8, and I do not hang with destructive people. I want a peaceful environment in MY home.
My siblings are still living in a self-destructive atmosphere of hostility, domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, and sexual deviancy. THEY CHOOSE TO AVOID ME because "you are a Christian, and you offend our friends." I have reached out to ALL of them over the years - the connections are very short lived. Ramona, in my deepest hour of need, accused me of wanting to kill my husband … and Bob himself, shut her up and sent her packing; and her granddaughter Kiona, actually posted on FB A FEW MONTHS AFTER BOB'S DEATH, that "your religion killed your husband": I cut ties with both of those miserable harpies, and haven't spoken to either one of them since. Carla came alongside me for six months - while Bob was in the local hospital, and for 6 months following his death; she also, through a DNA test, connected with our eldest sister Iris - I was extremely happy about this. But over time, the connection between Carla and I fell away because Carla is a lesbian and she says, "you are a Christian, you make my friends nervous." Mahlon and Sam are alcoholic druggies, and angry self-pity rules their lives: we mutually agree to steer clear of each other. I have never preached Christianity in their homes while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, my siblings are toxic people, and they feel guilty about the way they are living their lives. I want a peaceful life.
Both my husbands came with baggage - I understood that; I come with baggage. BUT I do not embrace angst, and feed it with self-pity. I do not self-medicate to ignore the pain. Bob eventually stopped destroying his body with drugs & alcohol, and became a Christian in the Spring of 1982; peace reigned in our marriage & home, until he was called Home beyond the clouds in Winter of 2018. Holland truly had me fooled - he fooled me by breezing into my life under the guise of "I am a Christian": he isn't, never has been, and is angry that I am 100% and can't be swayed to join him in his self-destructive mode; so, he wants "out!" … and I am letting him go out the door. I want a peaceful home environment.
My kids and grandkids (I include Bob's son, and granddaughters) have chosen to walk the world's path; they were all raised in a Christian environment, but want nothing of Elohim or Yeshua. They wanted socialism, communism, sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. We cannot force our children to follow Christ - that is a personal choice; they choose not to. Between our children and grandchildren, there are 4 alcoholics, 5 druggies & 1 forced prescribed user, 5 sexual deviants, 2 transvestites, and 1 throuple. Socialism, communism, paganism, witchcraft, and islam runs through the tangled mess. I was told very vociferously in 2021, on my last trip to Wilsonville-OR for my grandson's BD, that, "you are not welcome here anymore: you upset us. You are a Christian, and you make our friends uncomfortable." All I did was be present … but even that was too much for them. So, I left: and have had very brief contact with 2 of my granddaughters that still acknowledge me. I have asked repeatedly for a picture of my growing grandson, and have been denied. Giving into their guilty consciences, THEY CUT ME OUT, while keeping Ramona in their lives (her brand of {christianity} is much like Holland's), so she is acceptable; me being absent from their lives is not my choice. I have never preached Christianity in their homes while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, my children are toxic people, and they feel guilty about the way they are living their lives: I agreed to stay away for the peace of their homes. Holland has met one of my granddaughters, shortly after we married. Apparently he chooses to forget that meeting.
Holland KNOWS all of this because I have explained to him WHY there is no contact with my family. He knows that I miss them, because there are some days I cry with the missingness - especially for my 10 year old grandson who is growing up without knowing me (I haven't seen him since he was 6 years old); I doubt my Name is even mentioned. Last time I spent any quality time with him at all, was before Bob went into the hospital and never came out alive; he was 4 years old at that time.
Holland knows nothing about my Friends, because he has no interest in meeting any of them, except for 1. According to Holland I am so "hateful, you have no friends!" I do, but he refuses to meet them. Most of my Friends are Christians. I do have acquaintances - and 1 or 2 friends, that are not … but IF I spend time WITH people in the flesh, at all, it's pretty much with my Christian friends; because by the time I feel like peopling, I want to be surrounded by peaceful, warm, and friendly vibes. I don't like constant drama or political hysteria fouling up my days: Holland does; he thrives on turmoil - and he wants to people all the time to get his daily fix of chaos.
Holland was raised in a cultic religious atmosphere; he has a vineyard devil, and when he's particularly mean-spirited, he goes for my jugular by spitefully shooting angry words at me. Words he knows are wrong. He wants to hurt me, so he dredges up my family and hurls those hurts at me, hoping for a score. But the fiery darts miss their mark because they have no real power - he doesn't know anything about me … because he has never really wanted to know ME. He has always focused on a weak spot that he can poke when the devil rises in him.
Everything I am posting is common knowledge: shared among friends either during coffee chit-chat where we are all sharing about family … or in prayer circles: and people who grew up with me through the years already know because they went through most of the upheavals with me. They KNOW that I love my family. They also know that that love has been hurled back into my face with a vengeance, because they have handed me kleenex while helping me pick up the shattered pieces. My friends have literally kept me alive, in more ways than one. But Holland doesn't know this - and he is being decidedly anti-friend right now.
He doesn't know me. We've been married nearly 2 years now, and he's been so self-focused, and so controlling, that he has tuned everything out … except his want to "get out!" so he "can get back to enjoying life, again!" with aging bad company stalled with a 21-year old mentality, stuck in a self-destructive cycle. I have never preached Christianity in the homes of his relatives while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, his friends are toxic people, and he feels guilty about spending time away from me to be with them (I've not met them, and I have no interest in meeting them), because of the way they are living their lives … and he hasn't shared Jesus with any of them, for fear of offending them.
And I'm finally in agreement with his want to separate. I'm a 67 year old Christian - I LIKE my aging body (still holding up fairly well) & graying hair (a sign of wisdom ;-)) - reliving and rehashing a 21-year old lifestyle seems ridiculous at this stage of life. My family life is an angry mess - my husband is supposed to be a sanctuary against the world's pain: instead he insists on dragging the world into our home, inflicting pain. I just want a peaceful home environment.
He has worn me down with the continual drip-drip-drip of nonstop self-indulgent bitching and complaining. I'm too "crazy Christian" for his comfort. So, he can "go!", and I'll wear the "hater!" badge with pride. I am not ashamed of The Gospel, or of Yeshua's call to change.
There is nothing "charmed" about the life I have lived. Christianity is not a charm - it's a vibrant and satisfying PEACEFUL Lifestyle that requires change; change is fluid, it is something that happens 24/7 every day of the year. Sometimes change is painful; Christianity is not a "get out of pain" Pass. Christianity promises life, but it also promises loss: you WILL LOSE PEOPLE along the way - I've lost my entire family, and possibly my new husband.
Holland is afraid to make waves; he's never actually been on his own … he's always had family and friends to fall back on.
I've been on my own all my life; I don't like it, but I can do it. I am a survivor. And I know Yeshua will always be with me - in the thick, or the thin.
Independence will be in the shop for a few more weeks. What happens when she is sprung, is up to Holland - he can either get with the program ("it's a God-thing, Baby"), change his outlook and behavior … or we go our separate ways. But I am no longer accepting bad behavior. I don't have a lot of time left to walk this Earth, and I want peace in my life while walking through Life.
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