Not only is there the redmill religiosity to contend with, but there is also the fact that Holland's older brother Rick, smacked him extremely hard in the head with a baseball bat, causing a traumatic brain injury - which isn't noticeable until there is sensory overload.
And right now, there is sensory overload: Betsy has needs that need to be taken care of before any long distance drives take place; weather all over the USA is very weird, this year; both of us are dealing with allergies and lung inflammations - either jointly, or simultaneously (Holland has been out of house quite a bit though, but I've been stuck inside for weeks; not a good situation); Kelso & Woodland keep interfering, and those binky & burping intrusions stir up the proverbial hornet's nest … I could go on. A lot is happening, and he is being pulled in too many directions.
Add to that, the fact that I am feeling punk most of the time - WA State is not good to me - or for me, in any sense. I've been sick the entire time we've been back in WA; the last thing I want is to be constantly fighting about his family and friends! These people are all in their early to late 60's - they should have lives of their own to engage in, without constantly being in ours. My husband should be discussing the things that affect his life (which directly affect my life) … with me, not so much with them. My unhappiness is adding to his stressful overload.
The overload is taking it's toll on both of us.
And I'm really sick and tired of fighting about his unhealthy connections. I'm tired of always walking on eggshells in my own home. I'm tired of the verbal manipulations and the sneaky gaslighting.
In short, I'm just plain sick of the redmills in general. They are not nice people … and I'm finding it very hard to be nice when it concerns them.
Except for my husband - I want them all out of my Life.
If they stayed in their own lanes, I wouldn't mind - but they don't; they are in our personal business, and that is not okay with me.
Holland does not agree; hence the continual fighting.
Today, when he was stuck in an overload loop, shouting at me, I broke in and said, "we wouldn't even be here, arguing, if not for those 5 words you said to me - [this is a God thing]; if not for those words, I wouldn't even have considered dating or remarriage. But you echoed the very words I challenged Elohim with … it was confirmation that the time was right, and you were {the one}. I didn't know then, that you hid a heart of stone, and that you argue with Elohim, like you argue with me."
So, I'm taking a step back from all the craziness, and carving some time out for myself. To work on myself, for myself. Because I am, for all intents and purposes … by myself.
Elohim never removes things, or people, from your life without replacing it with something better.
I had, since moving with Bob to Cowlitz County (we bought and lived in several houses in Longview-WA), had a rock collection of heart-shaped rocks I would find along the riverbanks & among the riverbed rock laid at our last home before Bob's spirit went Home beyond the clouds. The rocks always seemed to pop up during turbulent times (fallout from stressful interaction with our grown children) when love was sorely needed, to be experienced. Bob's spirit left Earth the tail-end of 2018, and close friends were pressing me to consider dating; I was not interested. I remember doing dishes one evening, when my eyes went to the heart-shaped rock collection on the windowsill - and I wrote this Blog Post on {{June 4th, 2020: "I don’t know how my life will be blessed since Bob went Home beyond the clouds; I hope I recognize Elohim’s gift and accept it graciously. Nothing can ever replace Bob, but I know whatever Elohim has planned for my life will be a true blessing. Just like Bob was, for 44 years … Meanwhile, the love comes to me in stone heart findings."}}
A year later, I was still successfully avoiding the dating scene - and my friends were still pestering me about it. A new man in my life wasn't something I was actively seeking. In fact, with the following Blog Post notation, I kinda challenged Elohim … thinking that would put a lid on the entire matter: {{Sunday - May 16th, 2021: If Elohei prompts me to seek companionship in another marriage; I won’t argue the point – I never argue with Elohim; I may balk, and I may drag my feet … but I never argue. I’m not actively advertising, either. If, and that is a very big “if” things go that way, it will have to be a ‘God thing’ – divinely orchestrated; and will have to ‘rock my world’ just like Bob’s sudden presence in my life did in 1974 – and every second of every day for the 44 years he shared his life and love with me.}}
Elohim took me up on that challenge.
A year later, a divinely orchestrated meet did happen 😳😉, & my future husband's exact words to me during our brief dating period were - "this is a God thing, Baby." I did not share those words anywhere but on my Blog - Holland (to the best of my knowledge) has never read my Blog, then or now; remarriage did take place 😘; and my world was rocked … sometimes in good way , sometimes not so good.
Now, there are no heart-shaped rocks popping up during turbulent times, when love was sorely needed to be experienced … there are heart-shaped clouds in the sky above me; without fail, those clouds were always present as we traveled along on our Road Gypsy journeys, over the past 29 months.
When my earth husband was distant, my heavenly Husband was always reminding me that He is near, sees me, loves me, and comforts me: "For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His Name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth." (Isaiah 54:5)
So, Holland can rail at me.
He can ignore me.
He can place others before me.
But Elohim will have His way concerning this thing between US.
I wait for the Day Elohim brings Holland to his knees, and replaces his hard heart with a heart that will become responsive, gentle, and open to serious change so we can really start to live a Life of purpose according to the Plan Elohim has for US: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26) & "I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them; and I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh" (Ezekiel 11:19).
On another note - I try to get to the Ladies Bible Study in Rosburg when we are back in WA State - but so far, I have only been able to make one meet (May 15th); allergies and 4x maintenance appointments have so far kept me from making another meet. In the meantime, the arguing between us never ends: and it always centers around his Kelso family and Woodland friend. I really need those fellowship meets! It's my Self-care Day that I can just relax for a few hours, and get a break from the wordy barrage of nonsense.
Please Yeshua! Heal my poor body so I can get to Fellowship sometime soon. In the meantime, phone tag between a dear Friend and myself, is taking place while we are both laid low:
And I'm also spending time toning up while being housebound:
30 mins. to 1 hr. = stepper; 30 mins. = dumbbells.
I am not going to sit around and cry this year while waiting for the stone to crack …
