RECENTERING; Coalinga-CA

8 hours ago I posted that I was going off social media; I may have to rethink that.

Social media is my only source of people contact - even if only from a distance. You all know peopling isn't my thing; I can do it for a while, but peopling really drains me. I have a messed up background, long before Bob & I married: I shared that background with Bob, and he was my comfort. My anchor in times of turmoil. I didn't even have to speak half the time I was struggling. He just knew by looking at me, and would comfort me. Bob knew I was a Christian while we were dating, he never said a mean word about my faith when I raised our daughter in the Messianic Christian Faith: eventually, he too, became a solid Messianic Christian. I know he is now in Heaven.

Holland belittles my Faith at every turn - and for a while I held off listening to my music, baking my bread & meals: but now, since he's throwing me under the bus, I'm rising up and openly playing my music - I will be baking my Friday bread loaf, and I will be cooking my spicy meals for myself. He can leave the house if he doesn't like the music (if I try to play it in the pickup, he turns the volume down, and takes the DC's out), and he doesn't have to eat the bread, or the food.

I'm really embarrassed by the way my Life since December 14th, 2018, has turned out.

CPTSD is complex.

I NEED PEACEFUL situations in my Life - it's not a request: it's a solid foundation, non-negotiable.

Remarriage seemed like such a good thing at the time; I deliberately and very specifically stayed away from the dating scene. I was very open about that stance. Holland was a good friend, he made me laugh … and slowly, he brought me to life, again. He begged me to marry him. But the laugher stopped in Reno, and what ever [this] is, has been a nightmare, pretty much from Day #1. Holland has serious issues concerning marriage and women, in general. I am a woman - we are married: it's like oil and water with him; and he always strikes the match to set things on fire. I've tried my best to make it workable, but sometimes things never work out. This sham of a marriage is at that point.

It is true that Holland did race me through a couple states, but with that ferrying came lots of verbal abuse. Lots of tears. Lots of accusations. Lots of bullshit. Loss of trust. Loss of voice. All the concessions were on my end - Holland gave up nothing. He kept me a secret, until I insisted he tell people that he was married. He kept up secret phone calls at nighttime. He believes every conspiracy theory that is floated down the pike - and some of it is pretty far out (not in a good way). He led a double life. He was never once honest with me. And a.l.w.a.y.s., the unscrupulous characters of Kelso, Woodland, and Oak Point are in the mix.

And when he gets called out, he tries to turn the table and make me the problem. When I say I don't want him engaging  in midnight phone calls - I'm a hater. When I tell him (((I))) should be a part of his daytime Life & budget considerations … he accuses me of trying to run his Life. The point is, there's no place for me in Holland's life. His life is full, and there's no place at his table for me. I serve no purpose except for a booty call once in a blue moon.

I'm not okay with that - but that's the redmill way: women are useless unless they are on their backs & wives are left home while the redmill men motor off to Sturgis … except Lana, Lana apparently was included on the Sturgis runs because she never stops talking about it - actually suggesting Sturgis for our honeymoon when she heard we were getting married. WTF. That does not sound much like a Christian lifestyle; and he claims both his parents were evangelists. To my way of thinking they were hell's ambassadors allowing adultery, debauchery, their teenage children to have live-in lovers & the males to freely spread their seed - skipping out on the resulting babies, blatant drug abuse among ALL the family members, alcohol freely served to minors for breakfast, inheritance thievery that results in serious physical harm, and a crazy-assed religious outlook that literally preaches suicide is a ticket to Heaven, prison is a second home, and you don't tell anyone about Jesus or the need for salvation, because islam is equal to Christianity: not sure what kind of "bible" they read, but it's not like any Bible I KNOW: maybe a satanic bible. Yeah, this marriage is lopsided and straddling a serious morals fault line - I don't believe ANY of that is okay, and once again, I am called a "hater", I don't "understand Christianity", "no one can please you!" …

… and I am "not worthy of being a redmill".

THANK THE LORD FOR SMALL FAVORS!

The redmills may be [big] in construction, but they are small in every other way. MPO. I didn't know anything about them before remarriage; and I wish I didn't know anything about them, now..

Holland and his entire family thrive on chaos.

I have my own shit to work through; I have no more time to wade through their bullshit. And as long as Holland sits at their tables … there will be no seat for him at my table. I may be going back to WA - but I will not be going back to hitch a ride on the redmill crazy train.

Maybe in distancing myself from Holland and the Kelso-Woodland-Oak Point nuts when we get back to WA, I'll get some self-respect back. Because I'm really embarrassed at how I let myself be strung along, hoping things would get batter. They never will; Holland doesn't "see the need for change" and he'll "never change!"

Well, that's too bad for him - and sad news for me.

The devil's tools sit in church - and I married one. I gotta say he was real good at "knowing the Word" … he just doesn't live it because he doesn't KNOW the Author, nor does he understand that knowing is worthless if you are not LIVING the Word. I am really embarrassed.

We do not share the same passions.

We do not speak the same language.

We do not want the same kind of relationship.

My Life is truly a real mess. It's going to take a long time to make it right, again. I'll be 70 yo next December; maybe by then, some of the time lost will have been recouped & I'll have a Name, & a Life, to be proud of again.

In the meantime, I'll be working on myself - living solo lobo in a marriage that is not a marriage & future Blog postings will be centered on that re-centering. Bob's physical death almost destroyed me; it was really hard for me to overcome. I figure if I managed to survive that … and I did: then, I will also be able to survive what Holland has put me through, and regain a purposeful life, again. This time wiser.

*September 22, 2025~SIGNING OFF FOR A WHILE; Coalinga-CA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/signing-off-for-while-coalinga-ca.html)

**September 22, 2025~LIMITATIONS; Coalinga-CA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/limitations-coalinga-ca.html)

SIGNING OFF FOR A WHILE; Coalinga-CA

Update: *September 23, 2025~RECENTERING; Coalinga-CA: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/recentering-coalinga-ca.html)

LIMITATIONS; Coalinga-CA

I'm taking 1 day at a time, doing what I can with the new limitations (wildfire smoke, dustups, a move back to the PNW): and giving the rest to Elohei – trusting in His care and resting in His perfect peace that passes all human understanding; waiting on tenterhooks for Elohei to work everything concerning us out. I gotta tell you … patience is not a strong point for me: waiting is very hard right now.

And, I'm doing my best to rein my temper in. I do not want to go back up north, and I really feel that Holland's lungs would do much better if he'd lay off the chew and family visitations; but he refuses to do either, claiming he is "not a pet that backs down to your demands."

#1 - I don't want a pet; of any caliber: and I won't be someone's bitch, either. I don't mistreat … and I won't be mistreated.

#2 - I am not demanding. I am requesting limitations to ease his life, and make our life together less chancy. I do not want to be a widow again.

His lungs have gotten a lot worse since he started chewing - and now he's using his nebulizer machine every night. He's just got to have some kind of vice in his life; he's not happy unless he's pickled in misery of some sort.

He went from Vicodin to smokeless chew … and refuses to acknowledge that the chew is just as addictive as the Vicodin: and just as dangerous for his health.

{{Cough (his coughing is pretty severe, now), sputum (he's been doing a lot of this for at last 2 years), shortness of breath (really having trouble talking, now, without running out of breath), dysphagia (not an issue right now - if anything, he has gained a significant amount of weight), snoring (not too bad; men snore), and apnea-hypopnea (I haven't noticed anything like this) were found to be significantly increased in smokeless tobacco users}}

#2 - I have given in to a lot of my husband's demands since we began this life journey together … and because his lungs have gotten so much worse due to his stubborn, taunting dance, with the Grim Reaper (the redmill curse) - I'll be giving up more; and that's okay. That's what spouses are supposed to do to support and ease one another's life. I'm still waiting for Holland to get that message. I'm not sure he ever will.

Things that make my husband's lungs hurt and breathing very difficult:

dusty places = the primary reason we're heading back north, the end of this month: and future traveling will probably be just be his drives to Kelso-WA. Alone. I don't like dancing with the Grim Reaper - I've already done that, and found him to be a dedicated soul collector.

fumes, such as car exhausts.

smoke = another sticky subject; Holland's SIL, and only living sibling, Mark, both smoke like chimneys … and when we are in the PNW, he is constantly in Kelso-WA, sitting in Lana's kitchen & Mark's livingroom breathing in the toxic cigarette (Lana) & lung-searing-pot fumes (Mark); and picking fights with me when he gets back home because his lungs hurt and he's got a raging headache.

air freshener sprays or plug-ins = I'm very careful with bathroom air fresheners (getting the mildest & using the concentrated gelled ones when they are available); plug-ins are ignored when we go down that store aisle.

strong-smelling cleaning products (unless there's plenty of ventilation); again, I'm very careful.

hairspray = I haven't styled my hair in months - and that's okay; a road gypsy lifestyle is not a fancy lifestyle.

perfume = I can let this fall by the wayside; most of my life I haven't been able to be around perfumes, after shave, or pungent under-arm-deodorants. About 5 years ago I realized my body chemistry had changed and I could enjoy some perfumes - but letting that go would not really be a hard sacrifice.

All the things listed above should be avoided with my asthmatic lungs also. I've got to clean house, but I clean with ventilation, and I'm careful about the pungency of the cleaners. Sweeping can get dicey because it stirs up dust; vacuuming really isn't a good alternative, because it uses very strong smelling aerosol cleaners. I'm as careful as I can be with our lungs situation: Holland just flat-out flirts with death - and I'm not liking that dance card my husband insists be booked with Mr. Grim's presence.

The other morning when I woke up to his strenuous coughing that scared me awake, I felt sorry for him and was agreeable to head back up north. But this mornings temper tantrum had me pulling back my sympathy and engaging the angry wife mode.

I'm at my wit's ends with my husband's stubborn egomania.

So, I'm going to be focusing the majority of my attention on self-care. I don't flirt with death. And suicide lifestyles do not excite me. I'm actually pretty angry with my husband right now; so I'm limiting conversations with him; I'm limiting time spent with him. I'm tired of the never-ending fights, that shouldn't escalate into fights to start with.

I need space.

Lots of it.

That's how I'll be living, when we get back to the PNW. Holland refuses to grow up and behave like an adult. He refuses to see life beyond his own nose. He doesn't understand that there is give and take in Life … life does not revolve around his wants, desires, or demands. He feels constrained by "the chains of marriage"; and he's diligently working at making me a widow again. I'm not okay with any of this. And all of this is due to Holland's limiting selfish actions & behaviors.

I'm not happy.

I need space.

Lots of it.

Part of that self-care includes taking care of the body Yeshua designed, created, and housed my spirit in. Today, I did a little [soft cardio]:

Exercise heart rate: this is the only way from now on that I will allow my heart beats to pick up speed.

Today's Calorie Calculations, Exercise Minutes, Standing Minutes + 4,601 steps = approximately 2.004 miles

On top of everything else, I heard a sharp pop when I opened my laptop - and saw that the screen is pulling away from the fold-down-keyboard cover. I did what I could to minimize the damages, but having gone through this before, I know the whole thing will need to be replaced, at some point; but for now it's working okay and there doesn't seem to be any  concerning limitations:

Last night, I started a new kitchen towel design to get my thoughts going in a different direction … and tonight I finished the set. It's not fancy, but working it up served a purpose, and it's use will also serve a purpose.

MOD Kitchen Towel Set finished.

MOD FALL VANDYKE ST KITCHEN TOWEL SET; Coalinga-CA:  (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/09/mod-fall-vandyke-st-kitchen-towel-set.html)

MOD FALL VANDYKE ST KITCHEN TOWEL SET; Coalinga-CA

MOD Fall Vandyke St. Kitchen Towel,  finished.

I designed this Fall-themed kitchen towel, using my own basic towel pattern that I designed in 2016 … and implemented an openwork hemline using the Vandyke Stitch V.

Materials:

1 skein EA Cotton yarn in Dark Taupe, Variegated Orange, & Bright Orange; scrap ball of worsted yarn in Beige.

# 10-1/2 knitting needles

#J/10 crochet hook

Terms used:

wrn = wrap yarn around needle

sl = slip 1 stitch

st. st. stockinette stitch

sp = space

k = knit

p = purl

psso = pass 1 st over sl st

tog = together

m = make 1 st (same as wrn)

EO = end off yarn

CO = cast on stitches

Cotton yarns used.

With Dark Taupe, CO 73 sts & P 1 row.

Then work 6 rows Moss Stitch as follows:

Row 1: *K 1, P 1*, across row.

Row 2: Rpt row 1. EO Dark Taupe & attach Variegated Orange yarn, and begin Vandyke Stitch V openwork pattern:

Row 7: *K 1, wrn to make 1, sl 1, k 1, psso, k 3, k 2 tog, m1* across row; end k 1.

Row 8: Purl.

Row 9: *K 2, m 1, sl 1, k 1, psso, k 1, k 2 tog, m 1, k 1* across row; end k 1.

Row 10: Purl.

Row 11: *K 3, m 1, sl 1, k 2 tog, psso, m 1, k 2* across row; end k 1. EO Variegated Orange & attach Dark Taupe.

Row 12: Purl across row.

Rows 13 thru 16: Work 4 rows Moss St: EO Dark Taupe & attach Bright Orange.

Moss St & Vandyke Pattern.

Rows 17 thru 60: Work in stockinette stitch. EO Bright Orange.

Row 61 (right side): Work row while binding off sts as they are worked : K 1 - K 2tog; K 3 tog across row to last 3 sts; end K 2 sts tog, k1. There should be 25 sts on needle. EO Bright Orange.

Binding off towel portion; prep for topper.

I asked my husband for input about topper color.

Row 62 (wrong side): Attach Beige worsted and change from knitting needles to crochet hook, working EA row in sc as follows: dec 1 st EA end until 6 sts remain.

Beige was chosen & I agreed it was the better choice.

On remaining 6 sc, alternate sc & dc rows for 13 rows.

Sl st x3; ch 6 and sl st in same sp; sl at to end. Turn.

Button loop …

Dc x12 in chain loop; EO.

Fleshing the loop out for decorative edging.

Add a decorative loop edging of your choice (or leave plain).

Sew button in place and weave in loose ends.

MOD Towel finished; about 8 hrs.

MOD DISHRAG: Cast on 2 stitches.

Row 1: Knit 1, inc 1 st in next st.

Row 2: Knit 1, inc, knit across the row.

Row 3: Knit 2, inc, knit across row.

Row 4: Repeat Row 2 until you have 50 stitches on the needle.

Row 5: Knit 2, Knit 2 together, knit to the end of the row.

Repeat Row 5 until you have 3 stitches left on the needle; K 3 sts tog - EO off and weave in loose ends.

MOD Fall Vandyke St Kitchen Towel Set.

A kitchen towel may seem like such a small thing, but in today’s environment, happiness must be found and enjoyed where we can – I choose happiness. I enjoy designing and creating … currently, with yarn 😊

Brigitte Gabriel EXPOSES Tucker & Candace “They BETRAYED Israel

There was a time I listened to both carlson and owens … but around 2020, they went off the rails and started spreading hate speak. I can't stand either of them - and the outright lunacy they are spreading surrounding Charlie Kirk's assassination is wicked.

Charlie loved Israel, and supported Israel; he and Netanyahu were friends - this is widely known. To state otherwise is dancing to the devil's tune.

Brigitte Gabriel EXPOSES Tucker & Candace “They BETRAYED Israel — And We Know Who’s FUNDING IT”: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK0z3xUgGPs)

Brigitte Gabriel: “Islamists Bombed My Home — ONLY ISRAEL Had the Courage to Save Us”: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ7ALO5a1EA)

VAL'S 4PATRIOTS CREAMY RICE, VEG'S & DRUMSTIX SUPPER Recipe; Coalinga-CA

The weekend just seems to beg for a chicken supper - that my story anyway; and I'm sticking to it 😉

This afternoon, I pair chicken drumsticks with a 4Patriots dry mix supper blend (these packages are almost gone; Holland wants to try a different brand in 2026) … with one of my favorite messianic musicians playing softly in the background 😊

4Patriots Survival Food Bin; we gave the Tropical Drink away, I use the oatmeal for dessert bases (cookies, fruits crisps, ect.): I kept the large plastic bins for storage containers.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPcUJ49tOig&list=PLvWZ3tkpPVFusfVue5kHqSUWSKpkeIwQi&index=61)

For me, it is easier to prepare the ingredients ahead of time, before commencing with the cooking: there is less time in the kitchen during cooking - which is good in the hot weather here in Coalinga-CA, and less dishes to do following supper, because the prep dishes have already been done and out of the way 👏

Ingredients.

Prepare veggies …

4Patriots dry mix Creamy Rice & Vegetable Supper. Rice separated from dry sauce mix, with a med.-size mesh strainer; spices added & blended.

Val's 4Patriots Creamy Rice, Veg's & Drumstix Supper Recipe ~serves 2

1/2 pkt. 4Patriots dry mix Creamy Rice & Vegetable Supper * 4 chicken legs, browned * 1/2 Red Onion, sliced * 1 lrg. Carrot, grated * 2 stalks Celery, sliced * 1 lrg. Garlic clove, pressed * 1 can Green Beans, cut * 2 1/2 c. Water * 1 tsp. fresh Rosemary leaves, cut * 1 TBSP fresh Parsley, cut * Salt and ground Black Pepper to taste * Olive Oil Cooking Spray * lrg. Skillet w-lid * Cooking Tongs * Cooking Spoon * 1 Dinner Plate * Paper Towels

(1) Heat 1 1/2 TBSP olive oil in skillet over medium-high heat; add chicken legs and brown - with tongs, remove from skillet & drain on a plate, over paper towels. DO NOT WIPE SKILLET - you want all that yummy chicken goodness to flavor the meal.

Fry chicken - set aside, under cover.

(2) To the skillet, add onion, carrots, and celery; sauté until onion is translucent & veggies are tender.

Sauté veggies until tender.

(3) Open dry mix pouch & pour over mixture in skillet; add water, garlic, green beans, seasonings, & bring to a boil: 

Add dry sauce mix, & half the water ...

Stir to thoroughly blend smooth with veggies.

Add rice,  dry veg's, gr. beans, & remaining water; stir.

Reduce heat to medium, place chicken pieces atop creamy rice mixture, put lid on skillet & cook for *20 minutes. Remove lid & cook an additional 20 minutes, or until rice is done; occasionally stirring to keep mixture from sticking to skillet.

Add drumsticks; reduce heat & cook 'til rice is tender to bite.

*I use a propane fired gas stove, so my cooking time is always varying. 20 minutes is the standard total cooking time for a 4Patriots packaged meal. My stove takes a little longer. Adjust your cooking time as needed.

(4) Remove from heat and let stand a few minutes to thicken before serving.

This skillet supper was really good; a definite repeat 👍

VAL'S SAVORY HAMBURGER PATTIES Recipe; Coalinga-CA

September 18th: It's raining here, over the next 24 hours - with a flood watch in affect 🤦🏻‍♀️; so, we're just kicking back, relaxing, and having homemade hamburgers for Supper 😁

The rain arrived about 4 hours early … with a flood warning; Holland says the flooding won't affect us, because we are parked on a hill.

It's a little breezy here; sorry about the dusty windows. Can't be avoided - CA is dusty with soil stir-ups & wildfire debris on the breeze. The flood warning is for the dark area - we are currently in that dark area.

Homemade hamburgers are simple to make; I made my patties to fit bread slices 👌, but round patties & hamburger buns will work just as well. I also made these patties very flavorful because we both like flavorful food 👍

I think you will like these savory patties, too 😉

Note: Read entire recipe through before starting the cooking process.

Val's Savory Hamburger Patties ~4 bread-slice size patties

1 pound Ground Chuck * 1/4 c. crushed Saltine Crackers * 1 egg * 1 TBSP Worcestershire Sauce * 1 TBSP Lemon Juice * 1/4 tsp. Dijon Mustard * 1-1/2 TBPS Pickle Relish * 1 Garlic clove, pressed * 1/2 tsp. Pink Himalayan Salt * 1/4 tsp. Black Pepper, ground * 1/2 TBSP Paprika * 1/2 tsp. granulated White Sugar * Cheddar Cheese (or cheese of choice) * Bread slices, Mayo, Mustard, Ketchup, Onion slices, Lettuce, shredded, Tomato slices, & additional pickles (opt.) * Large skillet * cooking Spatula * Meat Thermometer * Dinner Plate * Wax Paper, or foil * Skillet Screen (opt.)

(1) Blend the liquids - add the pressed garlic; stir.

In a medium mixing bowl, place the ground beef; add the crushed crackers, egg, liquids, & spices. Mix by hand until the meat mixture is smooth.

Press the meat down in the bowl, into an even disk. Use a knife to cut and divide the hamburger patty mixture into 4 equal-sized skillet patties, or 8 thin griddle patties.

(2) Set out 1 dinner plate, lined with wax paper or foil, to hold the patties; then 1 at a time, take a portion of the patty mixture between your hands & press firmly into patties … shaping them just slightly larger than the bread slices you plan to use, to account for shrinkage during cooking. Set the patties on the prepared plate. If you need to stack the patties, separate them with a sheet of wax paper or foil.

(3) Preheat the skillet to medium heat - when evenly heated, add patties. Do not overcrowd the pan (this allows patties to cook evenly): let the patties cook undisturbed on each side for a good 'crusting' (fry the patties for 3 to 4 minutes per side; 5 or 6 mins. ea side for well-done) before flipping once to finish cooking. Check for doneness with a meat thermometer.

Cover with a skillet screen to cut down on grease splatters.

Flip burgers; replace screen over skillet.

Place cheese slices atop patty during the last few minutes of cooking.

(4) Prepare bread slices with condiments of choice; add patties & enjoy 😁

These hamburger patties hold up well; cooking … and eating 😉