While drinking my morning coffee and scrolling through Blogs while my husband slept a few precious hours of much needed sleep, I saw that one of my posts this week, has been featured on one of the Blogs I frequent:
When Holland woke and savored his morning joy juice, I prepared to meet the Plan for today. The plan for today was to go into town, and grab a couple groceries … that got side-tracked while I was dressing. It got side-tracked because my thoughts got highjacked.
We both have spent decades in WA State - much of it in this general vicinity. Though my family moved to Skamokawa in the summer of 1965, my mother and stepfather moved us to Cathlamet in 1970 - and I married Bob in 1974 & raised our family in Cathlamet until 1993. Bob & I spent a couple years in Hoquiam & Raymond, before moving to Castle Rock, Longview, Lexington (West Side Highway), & back to Longview: where my Life took a serious turn with Bob's physical death in the winter of 2018, compounded further by malicious slander and treacherous betrayal fallouts, that threaded poisonous trails through July of 2020. More complications added to an already complicated Life.
My childhood home was so dysfunctional - and so chaotic when my bio-father was around, that I've dealt with emotional upheaval all my life … the trauma from those experiences carried over into areas of my adult life. I warned Bob about that when he mentioned marriage - and I warned Holland about that, when he mentioned marriage, saying very clearly, that there would be times when the past would intrude into my thoughts and I'd need alone time: there would be times when I'd make him angry - I wouldn't set out to do that; but it would happen. It will happen because I will either talk these situations to death trying to work around them, or find a way to put an end to them (thereby driving him crazy with endless, looping talk that gives us both a headache); I will emotionally withdraw & crave solitude when overwhelmed by emotional sneaker waves (no warning will be given - he'll be caught unprepared for the withdrawal); or … I'll get snappy because in trying to shut my thoughts down, he'll want to talk - and I won't: talking involves thinking, and I will not want to think. About anything. I'll want solitude - total silence; I want to rest my overwhelmed brain. He'll feel hurt. We'll both get defensive, and tension will become the feel of the Day.
And for the better part of our 3 year marriage, this held true.
Now, when he notices that I'm quieter than usual - or I'm mentally withdrawing while in the same room … he's more understanding. He'll give me space and waits for me to be open to convo again.
WA State holds a lot of memories for me - some really good ones, a lot very bad. If it was up to me (as was the Plan before 2023), I'd leave WA State and never return.
But it's not up to me; I have a 2023 husband to consider, now.
And he is pretty tethered to WA State.
The Redmills moved from CA, to WA State in the mid-1960's, too. First to Vader, then to Kelso & Longview; some years, back to CA & all over the lower half of America, and much of the upper States - Holland, occasionally crossing the USA-Canadian border, for work opportunities. Some of his relatives still live in Vader … but most of them live in Kelso & have businesses in Kelso. His family connections, on his father's side, is pretty tied to this area of WA State. We, are currently living in Castle Rock, until December. WA State holds a lot of memories for my husband - some good ones, a lot of very bad ones. If it was up to me, we'd leave WA State and never return.
His childhood was so dysfunctional - and so chaotic when his bio-father was around, that he dealt with emotional upheaval all his life, also; and the trauma from those experiences carried over into areas of his adult life. He didn't warn me about any of his fallout intrusions: I was literally baptized by sneaker wave fire and brimstone, during the early formative months of our marriage - the introduction started before the first week was cleared. I didn't know then that my husband had, as a child, suffered a very traumatic blow to his head that further compounded the familial dysfunction fallout.
The unstable angst during overwhelming situations & the subsequent apologies that always followed, were frustratingly confusing. He'd separate himself, craving solitude. I'd feel hurt. We'd both get defensive, and tension would become the feel of the Day. For the better part of our 3 year marriage, this held true. But once I understood what was happening, I could rein my responses in and make calmer relational adjustments - it was still hard to live with at times, but the relationship was salvageable (this is explained in earlier Blog posts).
There is need for forgiveness.
A lot of forgiveness: forgiveness as strong, and as thorough as Elohim's forgiveness.
2026 brings Change.
I was brushing my hair this morning, when a thought came to me to make a [forgiveness jar]; every time an unpleasant thought popped into my head - or anger was tripped over an unfair mistreatment … I would just write the Name of the offender down on a strip of paper and drop it into the collection jar. That may sound pretty silly to others; but it's a workable solution, for me.
So, on my way through the back bunk room to the livingroom, I retrieved a saved plastic spice container from my craft cupboard; and a piece of blank scrap paper.
When I came into the livingroom, and stated preparing my little jar, Holland gave me a curious look - and I explained what I was doing, and why. When I was finished with my make-do memory catcher, he said, "Okay. Time to get you out of the house for a little bit."
So, that's what we did.
Sitting in Betsy's cab while Holland locked the house tight, my thoughts were on how much we like our little home on wheels - we both like the idea that we can go any where we want to, any time we get the urge for a different climate. We're here now for medical reasons; how long that will take, is how long we will be here.
We both like that our tiny house is becoming a comforting Home.
We drove the back road to Gateway to fill a couple propane tanks … then Holland treated me to a little more time out and about:
Since my Swan Man & I crossed paths, it seems like Elohim places a swan in my line of vision when the relationship progress is about to be altered and redirected.
So, I did a little more research about that, when we got back home - I know a lot of Christians frown on {signs} … and admittedly, some people do take it to far. But, I don't - I pay attention to the attention snag:
{{Seeing a swan can be a call to spiritual growth, nudging you to shed old patterns and limitations, and set out on a journey of self-reflection, inner transformation, and spiritual rebirth: as if you’re shedding old skin and emerging anew - this encounter could be a sign of divine intervention, guiding you towards a higher purpose or path.
The swan’s transformation from awkward cygnet to majestic adult is a powerful metaphor for your own inner radiance waiting to be set free: take time to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and experiences, and look for patterns or themes that may hold meaning.
Embrace your vulnerabilities, and let go of the need for perfection; allow yourself to be vulnerable, receptive, and open, and watch how your life transforms in profound ways.
The swan’s monogamous nature resonates with your desire for a sacred bond, where you and your partner can grow together, unconditionally supporting each other.
Trust your instincts and take bold action towards your dreams and desires.}}
Changes.
Swan mindfulness.
Good things can happen here; positive words have already been spoken - words have power.
Powerful, encouraging words, will go the extra mile in keeping the "good as gold" promise straight & true.
We know we have ghosts to bury once and for all: trauma residue touches every area of life, and it takes a lifetime to overcome - but we are determined to alleviate as many stressors as we possibly can; then leave the rest to Yeshua to heal and eradicate, so it no longer has destructive power over our Life.
And we know that Elohim is in our corner, working things out for our benefit - He brought us together … we can trust Him to settle the past trauma induced dust, that threatened to choke us here; and keep us healthily unified on all levels of our being, while here.
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