I MISS MY FRIEND~Darryl Worley

MEXICAN STANDOFF IN YUMA~AZ

How can things go so bad so quickly?

Stubborn ego - that's how.

There's a lot of narcissistic testosterone floating through the air lately.

Ten and a half months ago, it all started out so lovely before it went seriously sideways …

Holland said that as soon as I walked through the door (the Fall of 2021), he knew I was the woman in the vision Elohim gave him 35 years ago. He watched  me for 15 months before he got up the nerve to openly flirt with me; he was a bundle of nerves when he finally asked me out for a coffee date.

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

He knew the subdued ME that was trying to find solid footing on unstable Widow ground. He also knew I had a temper because he'd seen it on display (in a controlled outburst) when I was crowded by people I didn't like on principle. He said, "You're spicy - I like that." I said, "I'm holding back; I don't like when the fight comes out in me - I avoid people that bring it out." He said, "You always look good; you have style." I said, "I don't always look like this; I'm low-key around the house." He said, "I love you, and we're going to be married." I laughed and said, "Slow down cowboy; you don't know me." He said, "I've known about you most of my life (then he told me about his 35 year old vision): you will be my wife." I said, "Hmm": then I added, just to make sure he knew, before he bit off more than he could chew, "you don't really know me, Holland. I'm a handful. I'll make you mad without even trying - I won't mean to, but it will happen. I'm too much for most people. I am a handful." He said, "I'll risk it; I love you, no matter what. God showed you to me in a vision. I've been waiting most of my life for you to show up; this thing between us is a God-Thing, and you'll get used to the idea of me … we're going to get married."

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

We had known each other for 18 months before we started building a life together. We were friends - good, quick and fast friends. It was an easy friendship; we both felt as though we had known each other all of our lives - there was no awkwardness.

The awkwardness is new.

In the NOW.

So, now when he starts with the snarky hookin' and jabbin' - I remind him that I'm God's gift to him, and that he once thought my {spiciness} was cute. I remind him that I told him I don't get dolled up to sit around the house all day … and that I had seriously warned him that I could unintentionally be a handful - I get bored quickly. I need to be engaged in some sort of activity (If I'm not road tripping, I'm walking miles … or crafting); I can't sit on my hands all day long with a pasted smile on my bored face!

And I for sure do not let a man bulldoze, or ramrod, me.

It's not my fault that he didn't pay attention to my seriously spoken warning.

And, in all fairness, I will admit that once Elohim opened my eyes and made clear to me that Holland was hand-picked by Himself to be in my life (I truly had no plans of my own to have a new man in my life; and actually fought against it); I had started watching Holland too, to pick up on more of his character. I am careful with who I allow into my life. Holland seemed like an alright guy: he appeared to be a safe inclusion - someone I wouldn't mind sharing my space with, so I allowed love to take root in my heart. He is a big man: very tall, and kinda hefty (which I don't mind) - I love him, no matter what size he is. He seemed kinda quiet and reserved. He was actively involved in doing things. He laughed.

I had been watching him … but I didn't really know him.

He is self-conscious about his size, and it makes him nervous … but not nervous enough to cut down on the nervous snacking (his medications also have a lot to do with all of this, but he won't acknowledge that fact: he refuses to consider alternative medications). He's not at all quiet and reserved - he's rather stubbornly opinionated and passive-aggressively dominating (meaning he wants it quietly understood he is the man of the house; and expects that his wishes and will, will be what happens): I am not okay with this mindset; I tend to get {spicy}, and he now doesn't think the spiciness is cute - it irritates the hell out of him and he gets snappy, which irritates the hell out of me. He finally married me … and promptly stopped being actively involved in doing things; and gets annoyed if I want to get out of the house (I did warn him that I like to be on the go) - I specifically made a  point of making this clear to him … he said he understood (I realize now that he was only placating me). MPO is that vehicles are meant to be used, not to sit in the driveway! Holland doesn't see things that way - his idea of using a vehicle is to get to work and back, or to get to the grocery store and back: period. He likes to keep his vehicles in mint condition - I like to use vehicles to their full potential - and I'm not going to constantly feel guilty for closing the pickup door harder than he feels "necessary". I miss that infectious laugh of his; I haven't heard him laugh lately.

I didn't know much about Holland when we married, because like most dating couples, people are putting their best foot forward.

I now understand that he was reared in a male-dominated family circle that kept their women in check (it's okay to get mouthy (aka: 'spicy'); so long as you always do what the man says anyway); and he expects me to fall in line, too. Knowing me like I do, I can pretty much assure him that is not going to be happening in our life together.

My idea of a good marriage is that WE are a TEAM: we pull together, as equals - respectfully. Compromise is the oil that will keep the team wagon moving forward smoothly, without too much clanging or squeaking. Compromise means discussing things together and coming to a unified decision before finalizing decisions that will affect the Team. Ramrodding is for herding: I'm not a mindless animal, and I don't take kindly to being herded.

So, currently we are in a "mexican standoff" showdown.

Holland is engaging in behavior he has been exposed to - handed down from his grandfather … and displayed by all the Redmill men.

I grew up as a free spirit, and I'm being my spicy self (with brakes applied, because I don't want to seriously fight with my husband) when pushed too hard to accept what I will never accept.

People don't really have a full comprehension of what thier "ideal partner" is all about, until they spend 24/7/365 with them.

And that's okay in newlywed situations, under normal circumstances - it's called getting to know each other; and most people transition at some point. Holland is not interested in transitioning. He bucks change at every turn (he expects me to change, but doesn't see the necessity of himself meeting me in the middle: at any point. As a result, I tend to get "spicy").

54 days to our 1st Year Anniversary … will we cross into the New Year as a unified Team, or as disillusioned combatants: will we continue to travel, or be parked long-term in an RV Park (please God - NO!) that is the Million $ Question … and Holland's outlook on marriage, in general, is the solution :-(

My question is this: IF Holland knew who I was based on what he says "God revealed" to him … how can he now be so annoyed and surprised with who I am? And why is he not bending to Elohim's Plan by at least meeting me halfway as a Team Player?

TONIGHT'S BEAUTIFUL SUNSET~Yuma-AZ

Tonight's beautiful sunset~Yuma-AZ

Just beautiful …

ALL IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

 Things on the Homefront are still dicey … but I can truthfully say, "All is well with my soul."

*******************

Did you know, the song "It Is Well With My Soul" was written by a successful Christian lawyer Heratio Spafford. His only son died at age 4 in 1871. In 1872, the great Chicago fire wiped out his vast estate, made from a successful legal career.

In 1873 he sent his wife and four daughters over to Europe on a summer trip on the ill fated SS Ville du Havre. Since he had a lot of work to do, he planned to follow them later. The ship sank and he lost his four daughters with the wife being the only survivor. She sent him a famous telegram which simply read, "SAVED ALONE …"

On his return home, his Law firm was burned down and the insurance company refused to pay him. They said, iIt's an act of God."

He had no money to pay for his house and no work, he also lost his house. Then while sitting and thinking what's happening to him, being a spiritual person, he wrote a song - "Whatever, my Lord, You have taught me to say - It is well, it is well with my soul."

My dear friend, a good attitude will determine your altitude. When you look at your life, career, job or family life, what do you say? Do you praise God? Do you blame the devil? A good attitude towards God makes Him move on your behalf.

Just sit down and say, "Today, God, it is well with my soul, I am thankful I had a peaceful sleep, I am thankful I am alive with possibilities, I am thankful I have a roof over me, I am thankful I have a job, I am thankful that I have family and friends. Above all, I am thankful that I have the Lord Jesus Christ on my side."

Be blessed and don't be envious or shocked when others are prospering because you don't know what they have been through to get there (test, trials and tribulation) so thank God for what you have. "Little is much when God is in it. It is well with my soul!"

Touch someone's life with this message. If God is for us, who can be against us?

God bless to all and have a good day!!

CONTROL WAR & THE COLORADO RIVER~Yuma-AZ

Anger is a catalyst.

Anger can be a passive influencer - or an aggressive blow torch that incinerates everything in it's path.

This morning while I was drinking my coffee, Bleu was shoving his front paws under the bunkroom door trying to get Holland's attention. Holland was sleeping, so I took Bleu outside to frisk off some early morning energy; and he ran straight for the pickup. Our furbaby enjoys his scenic rides as much as I do ;-)

So, coming back in the house I promised him that as soon as I finished my coffee, I'd wash my hair, get dressed, and take him for a short ride … I was also thinking about finding a way down to the river I saw the other day when I was out and about. I'm pretty sure it's the Colorado - and it's fairly close to here (maybe about half an hour drive). There looked to be a graveled dike road that may possibly have an access.

I was hoping - and looking forward to an hour out-of-house.

Bleu was hoping - and looking forward to an hour out-of-house.

Holland comes out of the bunkroom … hops in the truck … and takes off!

Not a word spoken, except, "You can't come with me, Bleu."

He insists on being a jerk :-(

I thanked Elohim for keeping my temper in check: then I made the bed, folded towels & put them in the bathroom cabinet, washed my hair, and gathered the clothes I wanted to wear.

I was applying makeup when Holland returned.

He was anticipating shrapnel exchange.

I just want to live a peaceful life: I don't need to prove I can score a bullseye. I can … but I don't want to get pulled into a pissing contest.

Like two ships in passing through turbulent waters, we carefully moved around each other, silently going our separate ways.

This seems to be the best course of action right now. He wants to play quick-draw-blame games … and I'm not interested in being the skeet.

I think I can get to the Colorado River, which is next to the Casino; right on the CA-AZ Borderline. I'm headed in that direction now ;-)

The casino, and county park, are in Yuma-AZ ... the mission school, directly across the street, is in Winterhaven-CA: in a heartbeat, you cross from one state into another.

Paradise Casino from Del Pueblo RV Resort~Yuma-AZ; 18 min (10.9 mi) via S Avenue 3 E and I-8 W

Turned into this little County Park …

Indian Mission School, on hilltop across from Park & Casino; 350 Picacho Rd, Winterhaven, CA

YES! The Colorado River :-)

Colorado River: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colorado_River)

I'm letting Bleu explore … carefully; this is rattlesnake country.

At this point, the 'mighty Colorado River' looks like a slough off-shoot.

On the Homefront, I'm not rising to the bait; I am not going to be hooked into a verbal war.

Employing the peacemaker earmuffs.

The childish behavior continues …

I'm doing the best I can to laugh off the ridiculousness, because I know that that Holland isn't really fighting against me personally: he's just caught up in a spiritual firestorm.

And he's gonna feel really stupid when the fire burns itself out, and the ashy grit settles.

I am hurt, yes: but I also know that there is a testimony for Holland in this painful situation. There are Prayer Warrior friends around the globe praying for us … and Holland did not blow a gasket when I told him I had solicited prayer warrior help for us - I know we're gonna beat this thing.

Holland waited 35 years for me; and our life vision and goals are perfectly aligned. Holland used to tell me, "I love you, Baby. Us finally meeting and getting together is 100% 'a God Thing'" … before the "you're a major pain in the ass!" comments started.

The Past (the generational Redmill men curse of bucking against {marriage constrictions}) reared it's ugly head, and stole our happy peace :-(

I still believe that our marriage is "a God thing", despite all the Hell that devil rising his back is dragging us through.

As waiting timeframes go … 9 months of waiting, compared to 35 years of waiting, is a flash in the pan. I know that deep down the love between us is fighting to stay alive. I can afford to wait a while for the Hounds of Heaven to tree him, and the grace of Elohim to return him back to me. Wholly - as a New Man in Christ, so we can finally start living our destiny ;-)

I waited seven years for Bob's old man to disappear, so the New Man could emerge.

By the grace of God I can wait for Holland's rebirth.

Charles Jenkins - 'War' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjYnyz42mHQ)

LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL~Song by Gary Allan w/ Lyrics | Proverbs 16:3

TURN DOWN THE NOISE

My phone's new wallpaper - I like encouragement close at hand, and visible.

November 12th: I basically vegged out all day.

Conserving my energy for the battle ahead.

Holland woke in a mean mood.

I watched his lips move & heard his voice, but refused to engage in shrapnel exchange.

I was not making place in my space for brain freeze.

He claims to be a Christian, but he walks the way of the world.

So, I turned down the noise; slipped headphones on and fed my soul some good vibes.

Eventually he went back into his man cave, and peace reigned again.

(((THANK YOU, YESHUA)))

Breakfast; these are local grapefruits and they are so sweet, sugar really isn't needed.

New Read - I love Clive's adventures!

Lunch; leftover pork stir-fry. Still tasty ;-)

Toasted Cheese Sandwich w-Tomato Soup Supper with Ida Lupino … I like vintage Noir.

Worked up an Angel Baby design & listened to Gary Allen until 1 A.M.; very relaxing.