SOLITUDE SUITS; Ocean Park-WA

Last year,  today, we were in Arizona soaking up the sunrays - but this year, Holland has decided that we will stay in WA.

That mindset could change in a couple hours.

A couple days.

A couple weeks.

I'm just tired of trying to keep up with the continual changes.

My mind needs rest from his mental ping pong gaming.

So, instead of letting him work me up with his overthinking, I just raise my eyebrows now; and get on with getting on. I am going to be pulling back and "going with the flow" in slo-mo mode.

If we do eventually hit the road, the excited spark will be lacking due to all the yo-yoing and verbal upheaval that always follows Holland's overthinking episodes; he drives himself crazy watching YouTube news updates, RVing strangers' {info} reels; as well as the Kelso chaos … and tries to pull me into the emotional undertow with him: I resist the pull, which leads to indoor stormy weather whipped up by his lack of sleep, hyped up YouTube opinions, and Kelso turmoil, that pretty much mimics the stormy outdoor weather.

If we stay in WA, until Spring 2025 - I'll be emotionally, as well as physically hibernating: this, for me, is essential, in surviving the dark and dreary months ahead. Poking me during this time, to get a rise out of me, would not be a wise move.

I’m not looking forward to the gray and dreary days coming … so, as of last night's tempestuous vibes, I'll be practicing sanity-saving-hibernation for a few months to get me through this October, and into the coming month of March 2025; rain here at the beach has already been happening in spurts and sputters, but soon the monsoon rains will settle in, and sometimes skimpy snowflakes begin to spiral from the clouds to the earth - they don't stick long, but the bone-chilling chill, does.

Fall is a ‘gloaming’ season.

The days are short.

The days are 50% dark.

Winter is the dark season.

The darkness seems to never end from the end of October until mid-March …

My old bones are already feeling the creeping ache.

My best friend & constant companion, during PNW cold seasons.

And trapped inside, there is no way to escape unwanted thoughts that insist on running through the gray matter, like ticker-tape snippets. There are some memories you don't want to relive - or emotionally trip over, when they rampantly run through your thoughts on days your guard is down.

Holland's decision to stay in WA has been building to last night's crescendo - he has been vacillating for months, overthinking various pros and cons; but always, there was the want to stay in WA, even though he bitches about the wet and cold months ahead, he always circles back around to stating we'll be staying in WA. He has his reasons - and those reasons center around Kelso-WA

We have 1 vehicle … and that vehicle is always burning up the highway between the peninsula and Kelso: and parked the rest of the time to "conserve fuel usage". Yeah. I know.

For myself, I just have complete disinterest in anyone, right now. I am ready to bug out: waaaay out.

I was expecting to be on the road South: towards sunshine and it's healing, revitalizing rays.

Instead, I'll be cooling (literally) my aching heels, and sore lungs, in a wet and dreary PNW environment.

Seriously, right now, solitude suits.

I'll be avoiding Kelso.

I really do no want to be dealing with nonsensical snarkiness on top of the bone aches: so, I'll be avoiding most people for the next 6 months. And I'll basically be a shut-in because driving over the KM will be tricky … and I adamantly refuse to drive over the Megler-Astoria Bridge during the dicey weather months (I hate going over that bridge on the best of sunshine days): Holland wants to stay in WA, specifically this part of WA, so he can do all the ferrying between here-stores necessary-here, until Spring 2025.

Plus, my feet hurt - this is probably the combination of several factors: changes in the weather, age-related changes, and weight overload - all 3 {fit}; at this stage, there isn't much I can do about the first 2 mentions, but I am seriously working on the last.

Plantar fasciitis P.A.I.N.

I've been hobbling around the house since I woke up - I'm working through my own problems, I really do not have the energy or the time to take on anyone else's. If that makes me a "hateful person", so be it.

All I care about in my immediate present, is creating my own calming environment in this Season of my life, in my Autumn years.

I want a life of peace, love, and joy … and a little less radiating physical pain.

And I don’t particularly care anymore about being nice to offensive people: no matter who they are. That season ended 4 years ago, with the ebb and flow of 2020 - and Holland does not get to speak about, or to, those situations: he wasn't in my life at that point, and he knows nothing about what I went through that led to my walking away from people and situations.

If he wants to continue to court toxic people, and keep constant emotional turmoil in his days, that's "his business" (and he vociferously makes sure I understand that point).

But I do not have to partake of the toxicity - I do not have to allow those interactions to poison the home environment when he returns from sucking it up in Kelso; and he does not get to harass me about any stance I take to preserve peace in my life: I vociferously makes sure he understands that point.

Apparently, in this marriage, we are "that couple".

Home is my sanctuary; the battle line ends at the threshold; he can keep the fighting attitude in Kelso - here, I want a peaceful environment.

If he wants to stay in WA this winter, fine: but it's going to be a painful few months for me when it comes to body aches & bronchial flareups. I'll seriously be struggling to stay alive, and I'll just want to be left alone while I work through it all. I don't want to hear about the world's woes; I'm dealing with enough of my own, at the moment.

So, he's headed to Longview this morning to pickup a prescription … then hop over to Kelso, to bitch with Lana over morning coffee (it's their habit, and I don't want to engage in aimlessly bitching over stupid stuff).

I'm staying home, where my thoughts and aching body can be somewhat relaxed. I'll make a squash soup (recipe follows) - and just generally slip back into my solo lobo routine.

One of my routines is relaxing hand work; which I am doing while the washing machine spins, and the delicious Fall-scented supper soup completes it's cooking time

MOD Striped 2-4 lb. Preemie Sacque; Boy

The overcast Fall & dreary gray-clouded Winter months in the PNW are not good months for me, generally: the last thing I want this time of year, is to be scrapping with my husband (or listening to him and Lana, share a bitching cup of coffee in Kelso) over nonsensical stuff because he stayed up all night long, gorging and overthinking while watching YouTube videos that have nothing to do with US … but always seem to entangle US, at some point of the Day.

Lana just likes to stir things up, bitch, and complain: hence the weekly trips to Kelso, where he can get his gripe on.

I want a life of peace, love, and joy …

I hope to enjoy those things in this marriage, as some point, with my new husband; but he's an old dog, and I'm not sure he can learn new tricks ;-)

For now, in this moment, solitude suits.

Solitude can be a real blessing.

*************************

This is a recipe I posted to my East of Eden Blog, a few years ago; but I wanted it for Supper, so I made it this morning :-)

You can use acorn, butternut, or banana squash (I used butternut).

I've added 2 bacon pieces to it for a little more flavor - and used curry powder, instead of coriander.

CROCKPOT SPICY WINTER SQUASH SOUP ~3 or 4 servings

1 Tbsp. Butter (I use margarine, and it works fine) * 1/2 cup Onion, chopped * 1 & 1/4 tsp. Garlic, minced * 1/2 tsp. (or less) Curry powder * 1/4 tsp. grnd. Cumin * pinch of grnd. Cayenne pepper * 4 cups squash, coarsely chopped * 3 - 1/2 c. Water * 1/2 tsp. Sugar * Salt & freshly grnd. Black Pepper, to taste (I used a salt substitute) * 1/2 c. Whipping Cream or Yogurt (either is optional) * 1-1/2 Tbsp. fresh Parsley, minced

Place all ingredients - except whipping cream, or yogurt - into the crockpot; plug it in, out the lid over everything … cook on HIGH heat to a boil; then reduce heat to LOW, for 6 to 8 hours (or until squash is very tender).

Butternut Squash.

I added 2 pieces of bacon; sliced.

Unplug crockpot, and remove the crock to cool. Place in 'fridge until cool enough to blend. Blend in batches to puree.

Place pureed soup in a saucepan over medium-low heat, and stir in the cream or yogurt if that is what you want; thin with additional water, if necessary.

Ladle into bowls and serve immediately. (Can be prepared 2 days in advance, and refrigerated to reheat).

YUM!

(((OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE WARNING!)))~2 Be Better Podcast

I like this couple.

And worldly language does not offend me.

I'll be posting links & my thoughts, back-to-back in this post to keep the language and context in one place because I think the topics are important, I like the info, and it fits what my husband and I are working through in the moment, at this time in our Life.

Offended people can move along … and people interested, can keep reading :-)

From Doubt To Trust l 2 Be Better Podcast S2 E34:  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7TvZz7ux0k)

I have to admit though, that normally I wouldn't give people like this the time of day (I KNOW how that sounds, but it's still the truth); BUT one day I was curious … so, I gave one of their podcast reels a listen.

And I LIKED what I was hearing.

I was hooked.

And I was thankful I was curious enough to get past the the weirdness.

I am learning through listening to their interactions, how to understand Holland better. Holland comes from a different world than I do - our childhood backgrounds are eerily similar … BUT our emotional, physical, and spiritual hemispheres are WORLDS APART.

Understanding, on my end, is important.

Understanding, on his end, is important.

There is realness coming through in these podcast reels. I like that. I introduced Holland to one of their reels last night, and a good discussion followed; we both liked that.

The calming and healing effect of a 1-minute hug cannot be overstated.

And little acts of kindness done as the dust begins to settle, goes a long way in spanning the gulf of hurt (shrapnel fallout, as well as unintended).

(2) GENDER ROLES: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLQUkwhhAIE)

The MF terminology is banned on our home because I find it highly offensive; that said, I do like the context of the topic in this discussion.

I laughed when I heard this fella describing himself, because this is SO Holland's character; everything is a challenge, and he intends to come out on top.

It took me a while to "get" this about him. While I always appreciated his manliness … his macho-man-masculinity can be a little much at times.

But, I get "it" now. And I can laugh now instead of doing a slow burn.

Holland is a natural Leader; so am I - because I've had to be.

Holland believes in gender roles … me, not so much: he is learning to relax in that area - and let me lend my strength when his pain is off the charts; and I'm learning to step back, and lean into his mindset a little when he needs to be the hero in the Day, and just enjoy the relaxation his mindset affords me. I like that I don't have to always be in survival mode anymore.

It's not about shutting down my own thoughts, or opinions.

It's about being able to being able to relax and not be "ON" all the time.

It's about knowing that whatever decision HE makes … he's going to include ME in the outcome: knowing I can slow my thoughts down because there will be no confusion in the outcome; the outcome will be equally satisfactory because respect will be involved on both sides.

(3) The Sandwich l The Side Piece S2 E11: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4BnnVfBPoc)

The entire first year of our marriage (except the sex part - and the assessment love: there was never any struggles in these areas, thank the Lord ;-)).

BUT there was a LOT to digest here, because we both came with baggage from past experiences and past marriages = my childhood was a hellish experience, and my first marriage was a very happy one: Holland's childhood was a struggle, and his first marriage was a disaster. We both have trust issues. Holland has very strong feelings concerning gender roles; I was raised a free spirit in a bohemian, hippy environment … I don't mind lending my strengths when needed - Holland struggles with that. And I struggle with THAT. I don't mind being pampered by someone who loves me, and I can get used to being a spoiled wife; but I'm not used to sitting on my hands and watching someone fight through physical pain because they feel the need to prove their manhood. Holland also has a lopsided mindset concerning male and female sexual behaviors (like the majority of males on the Redmill side of the family branch basically treat women as sexual toys to be used, discarded, and trash-talked), which is very biased, and that upsets me. My mindset is that there are man sluts just as there are female sluts - and the Redmill family is rife with both: I don't let the males off the hook they whip women with. This caused a lot of verbal sparring between us.

Holland insists on being an alpha-male leader, with a traditional submissive female in his family unit: I don't have issue with that. WHAT I DO take issue with, is that respect is earned rather than a guaranteed expectation - if a man wants to be in the leadership role, he needs to lead responsibly. MPO, is that having a penis does not just naturally catapult someone into the leadership role; the Redmill men feel differently. I am very uncomfortable around men that treat women disrespectfully: Hollands entire male nucleolus (family and friends) is made up of men with lopsided mentalities. That mindset caused issues between Holland and me.

We went through a pretty heavy {onion peeling} marital relationship for a year as we struggled to find a way to live peacefully together, that led to an intense outcome while cooling our heels along the Lewis River, in Woodland-WA this past summer. June and July were not a good months for us: emotionally the marriage was done, the continual warring had taken it's toll. Heart-wise we were still connected, which made the confusing conflicts more confusing. Spiritually, we were quickly tapping out.

It's refreshing to know - and SAY - that Holland and I have satisfactory worked through (talked out, actively listened) our issues and struggles, and we are confidently moving into the future to build a future, together.

SOMETHING STRANGE; & My Chicken Pot Pie w-Cornmeal Topping Casserole Recipe~Long Beach-WA

I have been craving chicken pot pie … so, that's what was in my thoughts when I woke up this morning; it's a simple meal to warm the spirit and body when arriving Fall's crisp nip is felt on the air. I'd have to go to the store to get some chicken broth - and Holland suggested we drive to the beach while headed in that direction.

We are scheduling more relaxing moments in our days; other than check-out time when it's time to pack up and mosey down the highway, there's no real hurry to anything our days hold for us.

I'm game for anything that tames the stressors beast; we're back on track again, and want things to stay that way.

Driving down Bay Avenue in Ocean Park, Holland turned up the radio when Berlin's song, "Take My Breath Away" song, came over the air waves. He said, "You might know this song." I was quiet for a few minutes before I replied, "Yes. I know it." I had mentioned earlier this month that September thru December are hard memories for me. Last year they weren't too hard to get through, but this year, with all the chaos, the hard memories are hard. I was keeping my tone light because I don't want the Past to tread too heavily on the Present during these hard weeks, but Holland knows me pretty well by now. He asked, "Memories?" I said, "Yes." And he simply said, "Okay. I'll just turn the radio off for now." I was okay with that. I said, "I'm sorry. I do like that song, but that song is connected to the Past: I'm trying to build a cache of songs that fit our Life together." He's okay with that.

A lot of damage was done this past July, that make the hard memories harder. And Holland is trying hard to make things right. Loving a widow is not an easy task - careless words and the threat of abandonment catapults our emotions back in time … to when our special person was suddenly gone and we were abruptly and callously cut off from those living, that we thought would be there for us in our darkest hours. Instead, angry words, and ridiculous accusations, were flung at us; and we were quickly abandoned when familial ties were abruptly severed. It took me a very long time to heal, and build a survival life. I am careful about who I let close to me. I am careful about who holds my heart. A lot of angry damage was done in July: Holland was not considerate, or careful, with my heart. Even with forgiveness, and focused rebuilding … the innocence and first blush of new love has been seriously bruised: it will take time for me to trust again. To heal again. He says, "That was a long time ago"; I say, "Three months is not that long ago: things came to  a head in July, but it's been a long year getting to July's ordeal."

My circle is very small - my tribe is very selective. When I allow someone into my circle deep enough to marry them and weave them into the fabric of my tribe, it's a very big deal. I have only given my heart to 2 men in my entire life; I never played the relationship games some people relish; I take commitment seriously. It takes time to rebuild trust. It takes time to feel secure in a challenging marriage. Widows are not like other spouses - we have gone through the deepest heart wrench, and chaotic life experience, imaginable. We view life differently now. We feel differently. We react differently. We expect differently. We quickly get disoriented when the ground under our feet keeps shifting - brain fog sets in again, and our emotions get caught in the yo-yoing boomerang effect again. We do not want people playing emotional games with us. Stable footing is important to us; chaos is not a welcome companion. We crave calm. We need a peaceful environment.

Holland understands that now. And he is diligently working at righting the wrongs.

Cody Johnson - 'I Ain't Going Nowhere Baby' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjDHmZHXF24)

I understand his angsts better now. I truly have forgiven the hurts. And I am diligently working towards a stronger union, too.

Our marriage is a strange experience for both of us; our song cache will be a mixed bag.

These songs fit our Present:

Bryan Adams - 'Everything I Do' song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0pdQU87dc8

Metallica - 'Nothing Else Matters' song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fkj6-LN6WKI

Scorpions - 'Still Loving You' song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UVO7BMUQzQ

Nicolette Larson - 'Lotta Love' song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpFfjWdhROU

When we got to the beach, we saw that the kites riding the ocean winds today, were not the same as yesterday.

Some were huge. Some were smaller. A few were strangely unidentifiable … but they were all colorful ;-)

We also saw a strange jellyfish blob - and noticed that the blobs were stranded on the sand up and down the beach, in both directions.

More kites at the beach, today; the dragon caught my eye, then the parrot, sea horses, alligator, centipede …

Cannonball jellyfish blobs littered the beach in every direction.

The Cannonball jellyfish (Stomolophus meleagris) lives in tropical to semi-tropical saltwater estuaries and coastal shorelines in the Atlantic, Pacific, and Gulf of Mexico: (https://coastalgadnr.org/cannonball-jellyfish#:~:text=in%20weight-,Habitat,water%2C%20usually%20by%20the%20shoreline.)

Holland said it was strange that the jellyfish hadn't been picked to pieces by the flocks of seagulls; I said that the birds probably know that jellyfish pack a powerful sting - even dead, washed-up jellyfish can sting.

On the way home, I bought the broth necessary to make tonight's supper meal, and a cucumber for the salad meal planned for tomorrow.

It feels good to be cooking meals for a husband again :-)

For tonight's meal, I used a portable hot plate & "do-it-all" counter top oven.

Chicken Pot Pies are normally made with pie crust … but, I chose to make my pie as a casserole with a cornbread topping: I've never done this before (nor seen a recipe like this). It is strangely different, but just as tasty. Chicken and cornbread just naturally go together :-)

Holland likes this meal (I'm glad), so it's a repeat.

==MY CHICKEN POT PIE w-CORNMEAL TOPPING CASSEROLE ~serves 2 or 3

1 TBSP Butter * 1 TBSP all-purpose Flour * 1 tsp. Salt (I used a salt substitute) * dash of grnd. Black Pepper * dash of grnd. Thyme * 1/4 c. Chicken Broth (homemade, or bullion) * 1/4 c. light Cream * 1 Chicken Breast, boned, & cubed * 1/2 c. frozen Peas * 1 small carrot, peeled & diced * 1 medium-size cooking potato, diced * 1/2 Onion, diced (red, white, or yellow; your choice) * 1/2 cup Mushrooms, sliced * 1 box of Jiffy Cornmeal Muffin Mix * 1/3 c. milk * 1 egg

Chicken Pot Pie ingredients …

Spray the bottom of a small skillet with cooking oil, and slowly cook the chicken over low heat; remove from heat when cooked through.

In a medium cooking pot melt butter over Low heat; stir in the broth & cream.

In a measuring cup, blend the flour & seasonings until smooth - add to the butter mixture in the pot, and turn the heat up to medium-high: boil for 1 minute, or until the sauce thickens to a light gravy texture.

Portable Hot Plate.

Sauce cooking.

Remove pan from heat; add chicken bits and veggies, & gently stir until thoroughly mixed.

Blending veggies with sauce …

Prepare the Cornmeal Muffin mix according to package directions, and pour over chicken pie filling.

Lightly spray foil baking pan, and add blended chicken mixture; spread the cornmeal mixture over the top, leaving space along the pan edges for steam to escape so there will be no oven messes to clean up.

Casserole ready for the oven.

And into the Oven, it went; 425-degrees = 40  mins.

Carefully place chicken pie casserole in the oven, and cook at 425-degrees for 20 minutes (check topping, & cover with foil so it does not get over browned). Continue cooking casserole 15 to 20 minutes more (ovens are different - check casserole after 35 minutes to see how the veggies are coming along; if you need to add more minutes, that's okay = do not bake more than 40 minutes).

I covered the cornbread after the first 20 minutes.

CAREFULLY remove casserole from oven (foil pans are not as sturdy as metal or glass pans) - a few days ago, Holland showed me how to slide a dinner plate under the hot foil baking pan to move it from the oven to the hot pad, on the counter top: I was a little nervous doing that tonight … but it went well, and the whole thing was shifted without a snafu ;-)

The weird design is from the cooking sheet I covered the topping with; but otherwise, the casserole was delish ;-)

TWICE BLESSED; Long Beach-WA

The day is starting out great 😁

It's a sunny 62-degrees, here - and our dispositions are just as sunny 😉

Songs I posted 5 years ago, popped up in my Memories Feed this morning … and they perfectly fit Life in the Moment, now, too ❤️

Elohim has gifted me twice with good men: others may not know it, but I know it. I am truly highly favored and greatly blessed 😇

And determined to adjust my temperament to show my appreciation for the gifting: what I needed temperament-wise in the past, I don't need in the Present. Different times. Different situations. Different man. Different life 👍

Roy Orbison - 'Pretty Woman': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KFvoDDs0XM)

Roy Orbison - 'You Got It': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYQzIw0zat0)

Tina Turner - 'You're Simply The Best': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Afffdv5Tfg)

A-ha - 'Take On Me': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WC2TWAmw2FM)

Huey Lewis & The News - 'The Power Of Love': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIiVp3poe2c)

Los Lonely Boys - 'Nobody Else But You': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwUCPsSIvjQ)

Eric Clapton - 'Lay Down Sally': (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BYyPok2O5k)

THE ESSENSE OF HIM~Holland

It wasn't a particular thing that lured me, and finally pulled me in ;-)

It was the big heart that was on full display whenever anyone needed help, or encouragement; he was Johnny-on-the-spot.

It was the soft, sexy sounding male laugh, he isn't even aware of.

The gentle way he speaks.

It's the way he holds himself with confidence and strength.

The way he drives, is appealing to me.

The eyes that shine with love … or twinkle with teasing mischievousness … when turned in my direction.

It is the size and shape of him; I know he is large and solid enough, that the strong winds of change will not bowl him over - that is a comfort to me. When he wraps his arms around me … I am literally surrounded on all sides, by him.

I feel safe and secure in the protection of his being.

It is his song of his heartbeat - that sings just for me.

It is his mind that constantly thinks of new ways to surprise, & please, me.

It is the soul of him - that is seeking after God; and will eventually find satisfaction in Him.

It is ALL THAT AND MORE.

THIS WOMAN WANTS A REAL MAN Post: (https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2024/08/this-woman-wants-real-man.html)

It wasn't a particular thing that lured me, and finally pulled me in.

It is the essence of him.