LIVING WITH GRIEF TRIGGERS

November 14th: I'm sick of the specter of Death.

Holland and I are both living with death triggers - his are longer than mine, but they are still there; he's been grieving death losses for at least two decades … could be longer, as his nephew is in his mid-20's now. My death triggers started the Fall of 2018 - and for a while, after Holland came into my life, they subsided while I basked in newfound happiness.

But that happiness has been shattered; my life is a  mess again … and the triggers have started firing fresh rounds.

Holland has shared his grief losses with me: Steve (brother, dead), one of his pastors, Ruth (mother, dead), Tammy (sister, dead), his father (dead), Rick (brother, dead) - as well as people that are slowly dying, which is a whole other level of grief: Lana dying (SIL), Mark dying (brother), and one of his pals, Cal dying (supposedly). There have been several relative deaths too, but these are the ones closest to his heart that he misses the most.

I've only felt three serious grief losses: Tim, my cousin; we were close, more like siblings: Doug, an old boyfriend; who was also a lifelong friend … and Bob, my first husband; the love of my life until Holland came into my life 2 years ago.

I don't know what season(s) Holland's grief losses happened, but I do know that he still grieves. Deeply.

I have mentioned before that Holland has worked, and lived, in pretty much every State across the USA; and as I've learned - so have the people mentioned above. Every State we travel through has a life story connected to it … and Holland is right back in that moment in time, reliving the story; and the loss.

All of my grief losses happened in the Fall and Winter months.

These months are always hard ones for me to get through. Tim died 49 years ago. Doug died 27 years ago … and Bob passed into Glory almost 5 years ago (December 14th, will be the 5 year mark).

It took me y.e.a.r.s. to get past the pain of losing Bob.

By the time Holland became a permanent fixture in my life (10 months ago), I was settling into my Solo Lobo life - the tears weren't choking me anymore and I could breathe without my chest squeezing at the thought of life without Bob; I was still grieving the loss … but  on a different level: I was healing. I was moving forward without my knees buckling. I was allowing old and new friends into my small inner circle. I was making it a point to eat in a sit-down restaurant one day, every week - forcing myself to feel comfortable with the vacant seat across from me. I was Daytripping far and wide, broadening my comfort zone. I was building a Solo Lobo life.

I grieved hard for the first three years of widowhood.

Then, in the Fall of 2022, I surprised myself by enjoying newfound happiness and love, with Holland. We'd know each other for about 18 months at this point, so a quick dating cycle and subsequent remarriage for both of us (Holland had been divorced for decades) seemed the natural course of action - it didn't seem that quick. We both felt we had known each other all our lives. We were happy. We were in love. We were building a Life together.

But Grief is a tricky imp: he doesn't always show himself to play tormenting games with our limping emotions … but all those feelings are still there; they may not be as intense as there used to be (thank The Lord!), but they lie just a hair's breath beneath the surface - waiting to spring with a stinging vengeance when triggered.

They blossom anew, and are felt just as intensely as the day they came into our lives to stay as reminders of a face and a love we'll never enjoy seeing or feeling again.

This week has been a very hard one.

I don't know what Holland is going through because he doesn't talk with me - he will talk at me, but he doesn't talk with me: he doesn't share anything with me unless it's grief related. He will talk with Mark, Lana, and Cal for hours about anything and everything … but he doesn't talk with me about anything and everything - unless it's to mention to me some bitching he's done with Lana, and by then he's been so hyped up by the shared bitching, that he's in fight mode: snappiness between us is the usual fallout. He doesn't realize that, doesn't want to hear that; and I've given up hoping the situation will change. Before and after his conversations with Mark, he's feeling guilty for being here with me - instead of back in WA; he's afraid Mark will die before he gets to spend face-time with him, again. Cal is a different story altogether, and any mention of that small-minded little man is sure fire way to verbal warfare. Cal is domineering, and intrusive, and I really do not understand why Holland considers him a "friend": since Day One of our marriage, Cal has been in our business, blowing Holland's phone up with calls, texts, and missed messages … and now he's started to harass my phone with texts and missed calls: I do not like him. At all.

These three people are what the arguments are mainly about; and they are destroying US.

Presently, Holland has separated himself from me: we occupy the same living space … but we are world's apart.

Holland is caught up in the grief surrounding afore mentioned people.

I am trying to come to terms with the loss of Holland - he's still my husband, but he has removed himself from my small inner circle: this is a grief I am not familiar with, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. The constant uncertainty keeps me on a constant emotional roller coaster - constantly feeling overwhelmed.

When I am stressed, I withdraw.

I basically shut down: and a Wall goes up.

 However, Life continues marching forward, and I have to engage in life again, at some point. Engaging means letting the Wall down … when the Wall come down, even the barest fraction, pent up tears are released; and the tears trigger dormant grief.

It is the middle of November.

The middle of November harbors painful memories for me.

For a brief time last November, there were no tears.

This November, there are tears aplenty. The unexpected grief loss shock of being told by Holland that he "needs a break" from our 10-month marriage (to his way of thinking, his "obligations" to the Past, trump any presence I thought I had in his Present, and the Future he promised me), has triggered painful memories of doctors in 2018, telling me Bob was dying. The circumstances and situations are vastly different of course, but the gut wrench is the same intensity.

I have lost … and am losing … each husband to things that have gotten out of control.

Death is death, and grief is grief - no matter the circumstances and situation.

The raw grief of losing two husbands in the same month, in such a short period of time; is how I found myself lying in bed, alone, feeling a huge knot form in my stomach and crying my heart and soul out at 2 A.M. this morning … and drinking coffee at the dining table, at 4 A.M.; eventually getting my hands busy with designing and crafting another Angel Baby Blanket.

Alvin Lee - 'Blues Has Got A Hold On Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUa-Ro4e0Ts)

 

Beautiful sunrise, this morning.

So pretty …

Pink clouds means a a pleasant start to the Day; that's an encouraging thought.

Breakfast; half grapefruit & half orange … very sweet, less acidic than pure grapefruits.

MOD Angel Baby Blanket; started A.M.

I understand that working on Angel Baby Blankets is a grief-related activity, but it is an activity that has a productive purpose: it is busy activity that will relax me and calm my thoughts - and it is an activity that will give some solace to hurting parents.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to be hopeful.

I'm trying like hell to understand the grief cycle he's caught up, in.

But I don't think I can be supportive with his destructive behavior: it's hurtful to him, and it's definitely hurtful to me.

My heart hurts.

My head aches.

 My eyes burn.

And I'm finding it hard to breathe easy.

What is happening here in Yuma, between Holland and I, is not a peace generating thing; he has stirred up chaos and heartache. He has tripped grief triggers for me, that will be hard to tame, again.

I don't know how long Holland will allow Death and Grief to rule his life: I don't know how he can justify willingly hurting me to satisfy his need to please himself. I don't know how he can continue deluding himself that he is a "good Christian man" when he is acting like a worldly heel - he is not standing by me, treating me well, or loving me as "Christ loves His Own".

But, for myself, I want to LIVE a full Life while I am still breathing; I am not going to entertain (or whip into an emotional firestorm) Grief.

I'm going to watch sunrises and sunsets. I'm going to continue exploring, and having fun adventures. I'm going to savor tasty delights. I'm going to enjoy friendships, and have conversations that are not one-sided. I'm going to paint my nails in bold and bright colors.

I'm going to consciously tamp down the grief triggers so they are once again manageable memories instead of searing inferno's that suck the oxygen out of the room.

ABB finished 9 P.M. 15 in x 15 in.

And I'm going to continue trusting Elohim for the love He promised me.

I'm sick of the specter of Death.

I MISS MY FRIEND~Darryl Worley

MEXICAN STANDOFF IN YUMA~AZ

How can things go so bad so quickly?

Stubborn ego - that's how.

There's a lot of narcissistic testosterone floating through the air lately.

Ten and a half months ago, it all started out so lovely before it went seriously sideways …

Holland said that as soon as I walked through the door (the Fall of 2021), he knew I was the woman in the vision Elohim gave him 35 years ago. He watched  me for 15 months before he got up the nerve to openly flirt with me; he was a bundle of nerves when he finally asked me out for a coffee date.

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

He knew the subdued ME that was trying to find solid footing on unstable Widow ground. He also knew I had a temper because he'd seen it on display (in a controlled outburst) when I was crowded by people I didn't like on principle. He said, "You're spicy - I like that." I said, "I'm holding back; I don't like when the fight comes out in me - I avoid people that bring it out." He said, "You always look good; you have style." I said, "I don't always look like this; I'm low-key around the house." He said, "I love you, and we're going to be married." I laughed and said, "Slow down cowboy; you don't know me." He said, "I've known about you most of my life (then he told me about his 35 year old vision): you will be my wife." I said, "Hmm": then I added, just to make sure he knew, before he bit off more than he could chew, "you don't really know me, Holland. I'm a handful. I'll make you mad without even trying - I won't mean to, but it will happen. I'm too much for most people. I am a handful." He said, "I'll risk it; I love you, no matter what. God showed you to me in a vision. I've been waiting most of my life for you to show up; this thing between us is a God-Thing, and you'll get used to the idea of me … we're going to get married."

He had been watching me … but he didn't really know me.

We had known each other for 18 months before we started building a life together. We were friends - good, quick and fast friends. It was an easy friendship; we both felt as though we had known each other all of our lives - there was no awkwardness.

The awkwardness is new.

In the NOW.

So, now when he starts with the snarky hookin' and jabbin' - I remind him that I'm God's gift to him, and that he once thought my {spiciness} was cute. I remind him that I told him I don't get dolled up to sit around the house all day … and that I had seriously warned him that I could unintentionally be a handful - I get bored quickly. I need to be engaged in some sort of activity (If I'm not road tripping, I'm walking miles … or crafting); I can't sit on my hands all day long with a pasted smile on my bored face!

And I for sure do not let a man bulldoze, or ramrod, me.

It's not my fault that he didn't pay attention to my seriously spoken warning.

And, in all fairness, I will admit that once Elohim opened my eyes and made clear to me that Holland was hand-picked by Himself to be in my life (I truly had no plans of my own to have a new man in my life; and actually fought against it); I had started watching Holland too, to pick up on more of his character. I am careful with who I allow into my life. Holland seemed like an alright guy: he appeared to be a safe inclusion - someone I wouldn't mind sharing my space with, so I allowed love to take root in my heart. He is a big man: very tall, and kinda hefty (which I don't mind) - I love him, no matter what size he is. He seemed kinda quiet and reserved. He was actively involved in doing things. He laughed.

I had been watching him … but I didn't really know him.

He is self-conscious about his size, and it makes him nervous … but not nervous enough to cut down on the nervous snacking (his medications also have a lot to do with all of this, but he won't acknowledge that fact: he refuses to consider alternative medications). He's not at all quiet and reserved - he's rather stubbornly opinionated and passive-aggressively dominating (meaning he wants it quietly understood he is the man of the house; and expects that his wishes and will, will be what happens): I am not okay with this mindset; I tend to get {spicy}, and he now doesn't think the spiciness is cute - it irritates the hell out of him and he gets snappy, which irritates the hell out of me. He finally married me … and promptly stopped being actively involved in doing things; and gets annoyed if I want to get out of the house (I did warn him that I like to be on the go) - I specifically made a  point of making this clear to him … he said he understood (I realize now that he was only placating me). MPO is that vehicles are meant to be used, not to sit in the driveway! Holland doesn't see things that way - his idea of using a vehicle is to get to work and back, or to get to the grocery store and back: period. He likes to keep his vehicles in mint condition - I like to use vehicles to their full potential - and I'm not going to constantly feel guilty for closing the pickup door harder than he feels "necessary". I miss that infectious laugh of his; I haven't heard him laugh lately.

I didn't know much about Holland when we married, because like most dating couples, people are putting their best foot forward.

I now understand that he was reared in a male-dominated family circle that kept their women in check (it's okay to get mouthy (aka: 'spicy'); so long as you always do what the man says anyway); and he expects me to fall in line, too. Knowing me like I do, I can pretty much assure him that is not going to be happening in our life together.

My idea of a good marriage is that WE are a TEAM: we pull together, as equals - respectfully. Compromise is the oil that will keep the team wagon moving forward smoothly, without too much clanging or squeaking. Compromise means discussing things together and coming to a unified decision before finalizing decisions that will affect the Team. Ramrodding is for herding: I'm not a mindless animal, and I don't take kindly to being herded.

So, currently we are in a "mexican standoff" showdown.

Holland is engaging in behavior he has been exposed to - handed down from his grandfather … and displayed by all the Redmill men.

I grew up as a free spirit, and I'm being my spicy self (with brakes applied, because I don't want to seriously fight with my husband) when pushed too hard to accept what I will never accept.

People don't really have a full comprehension of what thier "ideal partner" is all about, until they spend 24/7/365 with them.

And that's okay in newlywed situations, under normal circumstances - it's called getting to know each other; and most people transition at some point. Holland is not interested in transitioning. He bucks change at every turn (he expects me to change, but doesn't see the necessity of himself meeting me in the middle: at any point. As a result, I tend to get "spicy").

54 days to our 1st Year Anniversary … will we cross into the New Year as a unified Team, or as disillusioned combatants: will we continue to travel, or be parked long-term in an RV Park (please God - NO!) that is the Million $ Question … and Holland's outlook on marriage, in general, is the solution :-(

My question is this: IF Holland knew who I was based on what he says "God revealed" to him … how can he now be so annoyed and surprised with who I am? And why is he not bending to Elohim's Plan by at least meeting me halfway as a Team Player?

TONIGHT'S BEAUTIFUL SUNSET~Yuma-AZ

Tonight's beautiful sunset~Yuma-AZ

Just beautiful …

ALL IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

 Things on the Homefront are still dicey … but I can truthfully say, "All is well with my soul."

*******************

Did you know, the song "It Is Well With My Soul" was written by a successful Christian lawyer Heratio Spafford. His only son died at age 4 in 1871. In 1872, the great Chicago fire wiped out his vast estate, made from a successful legal career.

In 1873 he sent his wife and four daughters over to Europe on a summer trip on the ill fated SS Ville du Havre. Since he had a lot of work to do, he planned to follow them later. The ship sank and he lost his four daughters with the wife being the only survivor. She sent him a famous telegram which simply read, "SAVED ALONE …"

On his return home, his Law firm was burned down and the insurance company refused to pay him. They said, iIt's an act of God."

He had no money to pay for his house and no work, he also lost his house. Then while sitting and thinking what's happening to him, being a spiritual person, he wrote a song - "Whatever, my Lord, You have taught me to say - It is well, it is well with my soul."

My dear friend, a good attitude will determine your altitude. When you look at your life, career, job or family life, what do you say? Do you praise God? Do you blame the devil? A good attitude towards God makes Him move on your behalf.

Just sit down and say, "Today, God, it is well with my soul, I am thankful I had a peaceful sleep, I am thankful I am alive with possibilities, I am thankful I have a roof over me, I am thankful I have a job, I am thankful that I have family and friends. Above all, I am thankful that I have the Lord Jesus Christ on my side."

Be blessed and don't be envious or shocked when others are prospering because you don't know what they have been through to get there (test, trials and tribulation) so thank God for what you have. "Little is much when God is in it. It is well with my soul!"

Touch someone's life with this message. If God is for us, who can be against us?

God bless to all and have a good day!!

CONTROL WAR & THE COLORADO RIVER~Yuma-AZ

Anger is a catalyst.

Anger can be a passive influencer - or an aggressive blow torch that incinerates everything in it's path.

This morning while I was drinking my coffee, Bleu was shoving his front paws under the bunkroom door trying to get Holland's attention. Holland was sleeping, so I took Bleu outside to frisk off some early morning energy; and he ran straight for the pickup. Our furbaby enjoys his scenic rides as much as I do ;-)

So, coming back in the house I promised him that as soon as I finished my coffee, I'd wash my hair, get dressed, and take him for a short ride … I was also thinking about finding a way down to the river I saw the other day when I was out and about. I'm pretty sure it's the Colorado - and it's fairly close to here (maybe about half an hour drive). There looked to be a graveled dike road that may possibly have an access.

I was hoping - and looking forward to an hour out-of-house.

Bleu was hoping - and looking forward to an hour out-of-house.

Holland comes out of the bunkroom … hops in the truck … and takes off!

Not a word spoken, except, "You can't come with me, Bleu."

He insists on being a jerk :-(

I thanked Elohim for keeping my temper in check: then I made the bed, folded towels & put them in the bathroom cabinet, washed my hair, and gathered the clothes I wanted to wear.

I was applying makeup when Holland returned.

He was anticipating shrapnel exchange.

I just want to live a peaceful life: I don't need to prove I can score a bullseye. I can … but I don't want to get pulled into a pissing contest.

Like two ships in passing through turbulent waters, we carefully moved around each other, silently going our separate ways.

This seems to be the best course of action right now. He wants to play quick-draw-blame games … and I'm not interested in being the skeet.

I think I can get to the Colorado River, which is next to the Casino; right on the CA-AZ Borderline. I'm headed in that direction now ;-)

The casino, and county park, are in Yuma-AZ ... the mission school, directly across the street, is in Winterhaven-CA: in a heartbeat, you cross from one state into another.

Paradise Casino from Del Pueblo RV Resort~Yuma-AZ; 18 min (10.9 mi) via S Avenue 3 E and I-8 W

Turned into this little County Park …

Indian Mission School, on hilltop across from Park & Casino; 350 Picacho Rd, Winterhaven, CA

YES! The Colorado River :-)

Colorado River: 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colorado_River)

I'm letting Bleu explore … carefully; this is rattlesnake country.

At this point, the 'mighty Colorado River' looks like a slough off-shoot.

On the Homefront, I'm not rising to the bait; I am not going to be hooked into a verbal war.

Employing the peacemaker earmuffs.

The childish behavior continues …

I'm doing the best I can to laugh off the ridiculousness, because I know that that Holland isn't really fighting against me personally: he's just caught up in a spiritual firestorm.

And he's gonna feel really stupid when the fire burns itself out, and the ashy grit settles.

I am hurt, yes: but I also know that there is a testimony for Holland in this painful situation. There are Prayer Warrior friends around the globe praying for us … and Holland did not blow a gasket when I told him I had solicited prayer warrior help for us - I know we're gonna beat this thing.

Holland waited 35 years for me; and our life vision and goals are perfectly aligned. Holland used to tell me, "I love you, Baby. Us finally meeting and getting together is 100% 'a God Thing'" … before the "you're a major pain in the ass!" comments started.

The Past (the generational Redmill men curse of bucking against {marriage constrictions}) reared it's ugly head, and stole our happy peace :-(

I still believe that our marriage is "a God thing", despite all the Hell that devil rising his back is dragging us through.

As waiting timeframes go … 9 months of waiting, compared to 35 years of waiting, is a flash in the pan. I know that deep down the love between us is fighting to stay alive. I can afford to wait a while for the Hounds of Heaven to tree him, and the grace of Elohim to return him back to me. Wholly - as a New Man in Christ, so we can finally start living our destiny ;-)

I waited seven years for Bob's old man to disappear, so the New Man could emerge.

By the grace of God I can wait for Holland's rebirth.

Charles Jenkins - 'War' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjYnyz42mHQ)

LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL~Song by Gary Allan w/ Lyrics | Proverbs 16:3