Hi 👋 We're Val & Holland Redmill … living our Life Story as silver-haired Road Gypsies in our 5th wheel RV Home~40 months married & 60,000 miles traveled across America; covered in grace every Day & trying mightily not to lose our sanctification during the bad & ugly times. I post everywhere - about everything: and if what I post can help someone else, I'm glad for the experience. But from sunrise to sunset, we live our Life for US. Trusting Elohim every step of the way.
Jan Markell and Jeff Kinley discuss the closing of the Ark door which begins the Tribulation.
This is the beginning of sorrows outlined in Matthew 24. Since we’re close, everything is ramping up and we’re warned to “see that no one misleads you.”
When the Ark Door Closes – Jeff Kinley and Pastor Josh Schwartz: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIrt1p4Pr40)
NOTE: I am not advocating the buying of books, & I do not read the books being sold … I listen to the broadcast, and I stick to the Scriptures.
I was finishing up the book, 'Colorado Gold', when I asked Holland, "Do you remember the afternoon at Oak Point, when we were all sitting around talking in the kitchen - sharing testimonies, and you asked me if I had every considered writing a book?" He said he remembered. I continued: "My Blog is my story, Holland - my testimony; and you are part of my story now. I know you get upset when I include some things you would rather I didn't … but that is all part of it, Holland. And some day, when your {becoming} has matured into your butterfly stage, this story of US will be beautiful. There will be a beautiful unfolding, Holland. Change is never easy; but it is required as life evolves. My Life includes you, now. Our Life Story is evolving."He said, "It's not the kind of story I had in mind; but you do what you have to do, Baby. Obey God, no matter what."
We may be going through a hard time right now, and Holland may not like that I share our hard struggles with the world … and some may think "too much drama!": but the Scriptures are FULL of people like us - and worse … that had their lives healed, turned around, and their testimonies of victorious overcoming used, to highlight Elohim's never-ending love, compassion, and healing.
The Bible does not spin the flaws, or weaknesses, of the people Elohim called to purpose for His glory.
And we dare not keep our life stories of struggles or victories silent, because they may very well be what someone else needs to read, or hear, to help them get over their life's hurdles ;-)
Abraham was old
Sarah was impatient
Noah got drunk
Leah was unattractive
Joseph was abused
Jacob was a liar
Moses stuttered
Miriam was a gossip
David was a murderous adulterer
Gideon was insecure
Rahab was a prostitute
Naomi was a widow
Samson was a womanizer
Elijah was moody
Jonah ran from Elohim
Job was bankrupt
Jeremiah was depressed
Esther was an orphan
John the Baptist was eccentric
Zacchaeus was short
The Samaritan woman was an adulteress
Mathew was a cheater
Lazarus was dead
Martha was a worrier
Thomas was a doubter
Peter denied Christ out of fear
Paul murdered Christians
Timothy had poor health
Elohim specializes in using imperfect people to do extraordinary, and wonderous things - when they acknowledge Him, repent, and follow Yeshua's Salvation Plan :-)
Yeshua has impressed this Scripture passage on my heart many times over the past 2 years; and although the Hebrew word to “stand still” in each case is slightly different (“yatsab” in Exodus 14: 13 and “amad” in 2 Chronicles 20: 17), both have a very similar meanings in English – to abide, stand fast, stand firm, continue, endure, be employed by Elohim and to establish His purposes. And so, I WILL STAND & trust in Elohim's Plan :-)
Holland had to get his blood pressure checked this morning, so, while he's gone, I want to post these thoughts I'm hoping will give some insight into our situation - I am not making excuses, or giving way to bad behavior: that's not who I am. I'm just trying to explain as best I understand. And to ask for prayer for our situation.
The Redmill family nucleus is highly dysfunctional - and that is the environment Holland was raised in, and still embraces: he doesn't know anything else. For all his wandering from State to State all over mainland America, he's been pretty sheltered. He has never strayed very far from the family tentacles - he's lived with family members off and on, he's worked with family members ALL of his working life, he's rented homes and apartments from family members; he's run around with family members, he drank and drugged with family members … and he is still in very close contact with family members; and dysfunctional {friends} he has met through family connections over the years.
He has NEVER been solo lobo in his Life.
I don't think he has met many strangers; if he did, the connections were short and very far between. The chaotic disfunction is definitely family oriented.
He has always been immersed in dysfunction. He doesn't know how to function without constant chaos.
Add a brain injury to that - and you've got a mess.
I know all this about him. And the family chaos is no secret either, around these parts.
I know beyond a show of a doubt that Holland loves me; and isn't aware of what comes out of his mouth when he's under pressurized stress. When the heat of the moment passes, he truly does not remember what he said … about an hour after the stress settles down on his end, he's always surprised that he hurt (and-or) angered me; he's always sorry when he "wakes up and smells the coffee," and immediately goes about trying to make amends.
Even though he says he wants things to work out between us, hurled words fired off in anger is hard to overlook: they echo through the mind, regardless of given forgiveness.
I work hard - and have worked hard all my life to practice forgiveness and jumping emotional hurdles.
I know PRAYER WORKS.
I grew up with brain-damaged parents:father = execution bullet damage, during war time, that lasted his entire life - and led to frequent vicious behaviors when under stress; and mother = motorcycle accident during her college years, that lasted her entire lifetime that led to occasional vicious behaviors when stress overwhelmed her. Then there was the brain-damage period I went through with Bob, following his 1981 death episode; he was never mean-spirited, but it was still a hard period to get through.
Basically, ALL of my Life I have been dealing with brain-damaged people, and their spontaneous irrational behaviors that come out of the blue - when a situation that doesn't appear stressful becomes the one internal straw that breaks the camel's back.
I've been dealing with my own PTSD before, and following, Bob's death in 2018. Most of the time, I've been able to get over the hurdles because I have deliberately kept stressful people and stressful situations out of my Life. PTSD is easier to deal with if there are no hidden landmines.
That is hard to do in this marriage, because Holland is a chaos conduit; but with prayer and a strong Friends Support System, I can effectively get through this period in my Life, too.
With Prayer, I know we can handle things better; I know we both need deliverance from PTSD triggers that derail our happiness:
God designed marriage so that man and woman could come together and be saved from their sins. When husband and wife come together in holy matrimony, they commit to God's plan for their lives. This plan includes helping each other stay on the path to salvation. God designed marriage for three primary purposes: companionship, procreation, and redemption. These purposes are still relevant today.
Marriage ultimately displays the glory and grace of God by picturing the unbreakable relationship between Christ and his church: God enters into it, and it cannot be broken. In a valid marriage, God is the glue in marriage.
Husbands are to love unconditionally and sacrificially, putting his wife's needs before his own. He is to be attentive and affectionate and meet her need for security. Wives are to respect their husbands. Wives are to reinforce and meet a husband's need for significance by valuing him and esteeming him.
God's purpose for marriage is to be a picture of His love to a watching world.
We are striving mightily to come together on every level, and keep this marriage Elohim has purposed.
We were called together to be used together for Elohim's Purpose; we know everyone - Church, as well as the worldly eyes, are on us.
We both know we have personal - and joint - issues to iron out; and we are deliberately making every effort to overcome the fiery darts coming at our marriage from Lucifer … and both of us, when the heat is on.
Psalm 121:"My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven & earth; the LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth and even forevermore." The strength and the love of your marriage don't depend on you being in love, but on Love being in you.
Proverbs 16-32:"Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city."
Proverbs 12:4:“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband."Solomon writes here that a wife who lacks discretion(Proverbs 11:22: A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout. Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful face on an empty head) by inviting a bad reputation, or ridicule, also brings her husband pain. Just as decaying bones would cause severe pain, so a wife of ignoble character causes her husband great angst.
The operational definition of discretion is “the ability to avoid words, actions, and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences.” A person practices discretion by thoughtfully considering the possible consequences before taking any action.
Discretion means knowing when you should share information and when you should be silent. Discretion also is about knowing that just because you know something, doesn't mean you need to share it. And when in doubt, leave it out.
Please keep us held up in Prayer before the Mercy Seat. This is not a typical abuse situation, regardless of how it looks to someone looking into our life during the midst of a PTSD crisis moment (we both suffer this). We need prayerful compassion and if possible, empathy.
People hurt each other; that's the ugly part of being human.
But there's something uglier than that … not being able to forgive.
Yeshua strongly stressed the need to forgive: for our own benefit and spiritual growth, as well as lifting the burden of regret from the oppressor's shoulders. Forgiveness is a hallmark of Christianity.
Heartcry Worship - 'Nothing But The Blood' Lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-J8PPbIdHc)
Thank you for your concern.
Thank you for your enveloping love.
Thank you for trying to understand.
Thank you to those standing in the gap, holding my arms up, and strengthening us with prayer.
I don't talk about my intimate family (private pillow talk between husband & wife, kids, grandkids, siblings); there are reasons for that - #1 reason is that it's really nobody's business.
BUT
This time I will. Because I'm tired of being the "bad guy". I'll only share these things this one time: I've shared some things with Holland during the duration of this unhappy marriage … but, he claims ignorance when the fight is on.
So …
Holland's favorite barbed accusation is: "you're so full of hate even your own family won't have anything to do with you! And you hate my friends because you don't have any of your own!" & "you are so hateful, you hate everyone!"
Holland's interpretation of hate is a LOT different than mine 😟
I won't share pillow talk because that is private husband and wife stuff, and even though Holland is "splitting the sheet", I won't spill private conversations. That is ours, alone.
However … because Holland thinks I've "lived a charmed life", let me clarify: as to siblings, kids, and grandkids: it's all a tangled mess - mostly of unnecessary shenanigans that cater to self, destructive lifestyles, drug usage, alcoholism, inappropriate {friends}, ect. Basically the same shit I am dealing with when it comes to Holland.
I was raised in religiosity, paganism, sexual misconduct, drugs, alcohol, and domestic violence. I do NOT want that in my personal life. I have been upfront about this with ALL my friends, and both husbands. I became a Christian at age 8, and I do not hang with destructive people. I want a peaceful environment in MY home.
My siblings are still living in a self-destructive atmosphere of hostility, domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, and sexual deviancy. THEY CHOOSE TO AVOID ME because "you are a Christian, and you offend our friends." I have reached out to ALL of them over the years - the connections are very short lived. Ramona, in my deepest hour of need, accused me of wanting to kill my husband … and Bob himself, shut her up and sent her packing; and her granddaughter Kiona, actually posted on FB A FEW MONTHS AFTER BOB'S DEATH, that "your religion killed your husband": I cut ties with both of those miserable harpies, and haven't spoken to either one of them since. Carla came alongside me for six months - while Bob was in the local hospital, and for 6 months following his death; she also, through a DNA test, connected with our eldest sister Iris - I was extremely happy about this. But over time, the connection between Carla and I fell away because Carla is a lesbian and she says, "you are a Christian, you make my friends nervous." Mahlon and Sam are alcoholic druggies, and angry self-pity rules their lives: we mutually agree to steer clear of each other. I have never preached Christianity in their homes while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, my siblings are toxic people, and they feel guilty about the way they are living their lives. I want a peaceful life.
Both my husbands came with baggage - I understood that; I come with baggage. BUT I do not embrace angst, and feed it with self-pity. I do not self-medicate to ignore the pain. Bob eventually stopped destroying his body with drugs & alcohol, and became a Christian in the Spring of 1982; peace reigned in our marriage & home, until he was called Home beyond the clouds in Winter of 2018. Holland truly had me fooled - he fooled me by breezing into my life under the guise of "I am a Christian": he isn't, never has been, and is angry that I am 100% and can't be swayed to join him in his self-destructive mode; so, he wants "out!" … and I am letting him go out the door. I want a peaceful home environment.
My kids and grandkids (I include Bob's son, and granddaughters) have chosen to walk the world's path; they were all raised in a Christian environment, but want nothing of Elohim or Yeshua. They wanted socialism, communism, sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. We cannot force our children to follow Christ - that is a personal choice; they choose not to. Between our children and grandchildren, there are 4 alcoholics, 5 druggies & 1 forced prescribed user, 5 sexual deviants, 2 transvestites, and 1 throuple. Socialism, communism, paganism, witchcraft, and islam runs through the tangled mess. I was told very vociferously in 2021, on my last trip to Wilsonville-OR for my grandson's BD, that, "you are not welcome here anymore: you upset us. You are a Christian, and you make our friends uncomfortable." All I did was be present … but even that was too much for them. So, I left: and have had very brief contact with 2 of my granddaughters that still acknowledge me. I have asked repeatedly for a picture of my growing grandson, and have been denied. Giving into their guilty consciences, THEY CUT ME OUT, while keeping Ramona in their lives (her brand of {christianity} is much like Holland's), so she is acceptable; me being absent from their lives is not my choice. I have never preached Christianity in their homes while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, my children are toxic people, and they feel guilty about the way they are living their lives: I agreed to stay away for the peace of their homes. Holland has met one of my granddaughters, shortly after we married. Apparently he chooses to forget that meeting.
Holland KNOWS all of this because I have explained to him WHY there is no contact with my family. He knows that I miss them, because there are some days I cry with the missingness - especially for my 10 year old grandson who is growing up without knowing me (I haven't seen him since he was 6 years old); I doubt my Name is even mentioned. Last time I spent any quality time with him at all, was before Bob went into the hospital and never came out alive; he was 4 years old at that time.
Holland knows nothing about my Friends, because he has no interest in meeting any of them, except for 1. According to Holland I am so "hateful, you have no friends!" I do, but he refuses to meet them. Most of my Friends are Christians. I do have acquaintances - and 1 or 2 friends, that are not … but IF I spend time WITH people in the flesh, at all, it's pretty much with my Christian friends; because by the time I feel like peopling, I want to be surrounded by peaceful, warm, and friendly vibes. I don't like constant drama or political hysteria fouling up my days: Holland does; he thrives on turmoil - and he wants to people all the time to get his daily fix of chaos.
Holland was raised in a cultic religious atmosphere; he has a vineyard devil, and when he's particularly mean-spirited, he goes for my jugular by spitefully shooting angry words at me. Words he knows are wrong. He wants to hurt me, so he dredges up my family and hurls those hurts at me, hoping for a score. But the fiery darts miss their mark because they have no real power - he doesn't know anything about me … because he has never really wanted to know ME. He has always focused on a weak spot that he can poke when the devil rises in him.
Everything I am posting is common knowledge: shared among friends either during coffee chit-chat where we are all sharing about family … or in prayer circles: and people who grew up with me through the years already know because they went through most of the upheavals with me. They KNOW that I love my family. They also know that that love has been hurled back into my face with a vengeance, because they have handed me kleenex while helping me pick up the shattered pieces. My friends have literally kept me alive, in more ways than one. But Holland doesn't know this - and he is being decidedly anti-friend right now.
He doesn't know me. We've been married nearly 2 years now, and he's been so self-focused, and so controlling, that he has tuned everything out … except his want to "get out!" so he "can get back to enjoying life, again!" with aging bad company stalled with a 21-year old mentality, stuck in a self-destructive cycle. I have never preached Christianity in the homes of his relatives while visiting their homes: their homes are theirs, and I am a guest when there. But, his friends are toxic people, and he feels guilty about spending time away from me to be with them (I've not met them, and I have no interest in meeting them), because of the way they are living their lives … and he hasn't shared Jesus with any of them, for fear of offending them.
And I'm finally in agreement with his want to separate. I'm a 67 year old Christian - I LIKE my aging body (still holding up fairly well) & graying hair (a sign of wisdom ;-)) - reliving and rehashing a 21-year old lifestyle seems ridiculous at this stage of life. My family life is an angry mess - my husband is supposed to be a sanctuary against the world's pain: instead he insists on dragging the world into our home, inflicting pain. I just want a peaceful home environment.
He has worn me down with the continual drip-drip-drip of nonstop self-indulgent bitching and complaining. I'm too "crazy Christian" for his comfort. So, he can "go!", and I'll wear the "hater!" badge with pride. I am not ashamed of The Gospel, or of Yeshua's call to change.
There is nothing "charmed" about the life I have lived. Christianity is not a charm - it's a vibrant and satisfying PEACEFUL Lifestyle that requires change; change is fluid, it is something that happens 24/7 every day of the year. Sometimes change is painful; Christianity is not a "get out of pain" Pass. Christianity promises life, but it also promises loss: you WILL LOSE PEOPLE along the way - I've lost my entire family, and possibly my new husband.
Holland is afraid to make waves; he's never actually been on his own … he's always had family and friends to fall back on.
I've been on my own all my life; I don't like it, but I can do it. I am a survivor. And I know Yeshua will always be with me - in the thick, or the thin.
Independence will be in the shop for a few more weeks. What happens when she is sprung, is up to Holland - he can either get with the program ("it's a God-thing, Baby"), change his outlook and behavior … or we go our separate ways. But I am no longer accepting bad behavior. I don't have a lot of time left to walk this Earth, and I want peace in my life while walking through Life.
Holland isn't getting his divorce … but he is getting his separation.
Yesterday afternoon, coming back from Vancouver-WA, he actually tried to force me to choose between vineyard & Yeshua (Jesus).
There is NO CHOICE - YESHUA WINS, HANDS DOWN
Holland believes all you have to do for salvation is claim salvation.
No repentance is required.
No change of behavior is necessary.
No proclamation of Yeshua (Jesus) is forthcoming.
I believe that when you ask Yeshua (Jesus) to be Lord of your Life, you also ask for His forgiveness ("there is therefore no salvation without repentance "~Luke 13:3); a heart that is steeled in rebellion against God cannot savingly believe: it must first be broken. Brokenness comes when one recognizes the sin they are in and cries out for salvation. Holland doesn't believe he has anything to repent.
I believe when one gets saved, they actively set about changing their lifestyle behaviors - Holland does not believe salvation includes change 😟
Holland does not believe he needs to be sharing the Good News of Yeshua (Jesus) with his friends, and family members (strangers yes - intimate people, no) … saying, "what they believe is their business".
Yes … and no: IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE (Yeshua/Jesus or me), you enthusiastically tell everyone you know about your relationship with them! Holland kept me a secret from his friends for m.o.n.t.h.s., until I told him that offended me - and now he is telling me he doesn't even mention his claim of Christianity to any of them!He doesn't talk about Jesus to them because they "will be offended".
Holland also believes there are many ways to Heaven.
So, I asked him, "So, you think it's okay to claim Yeshua (Jesus) and also practice other religious activities … like praying to idols; practice Hare Krishna rituals, Buddhism, Hinduism (includes bali practices); do you honestly believe it is okay to claim Christianity while whoring around, getting drop-down drunk, stoned out of your mind, setting up a beer bar in a church foyer??? The hellish vineyard doctrine may allow for {witches for jesus} & {strippers for jesus} 😡 ..."
BUT ELOHIM'S (God's) WORD, & YESHUA (Jesus), DOES NOT ALLOW FOR ANY OF THAT.
He said, "Well I don't agree with that - you're a hater, Val: everyone does not believe what you believe."
I just stared at him for 2 heartbeats. I couldn't believe what he just said - by calling me {"a hater" = New World Order Code Word for "Christian"} he basically demanded that I choose between his vineyard mindset, or Yeshua.
It became abundantly clear that he is not a Christian: he is religious to a fault … and he knows what the Bible says (he's read through several cover to cover), but he does NOT KNOW what the passages SAY (he's spiritually dead), and he is not in ANY WAY a Christian; and that's why we keep butting heads.
So.
Scripture allows that if a Christian (moi) is married to a nonbeliever (Holland), and that nonbeliever wants a separation - a separation is admissible.
According to 1 Corinthians 7:10-17 in the King James Version of the Bible, if an unbelieving spouse wants to separate from a Christian spouse, the Christian should let them go and not feel enslaved; 1 Corinthians 7:15: "If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace".
Separated is still married, but knowing now how Holland feels about making 150 thousand excuses for sin (notably the ones listed above), I'm pretty sure he'll end up with his divorce too. He won't be able to help himself.
Normally I would not agree to a separation, but in this case, I have no choice. Until yesterday I had hope; now I know that unless he actually gets saved and baptized with the Holy Spirit, there is no hope of peace in our home together.
Independence will be sprung from the repair shop hopefully by the end of this month; and put up for sale. This morning, I've put feelers out for a solo lobo rental, and looking for a compact car to buy outright.
