Last year, today, we were in Arizona soaking up the sunrays - but this year, Holland has decided that we will stay in WA.
That mindset could change in a couple hours.
A couple days.
A couple weeks.
I'm just tired of trying to keep up with the continual changes.
My mind needs rest from his mental ping pong gaming.
So, instead of letting him work me up with his overthinking, I just raise my eyebrows now; and get on with getting on. I am going to be pulling back and "going with the flow" in slo-mo mode.
If we do eventually hit the road, the excited spark will be lacking due to all the yo-yoing and verbal upheaval that always follows Holland's overthinking episodes; he drives himself crazy watching YouTube news updates, RVing strangers' {info} reels; as well as the Kelso chaos … and tries to pull me into the emotional undertow with him: I resist the pull, which leads to indoor stormy weather whipped up by his lack of sleep, hyped up YouTube opinions, and Kelso turmoil, that pretty much mimics the stormy outdoor weather.
If we stay in WA, until Spring 2025 - I'll be emotionally, as well as physically hibernating: this, for me, is essential, in surviving the dark and dreary months ahead. Poking me during this time, to get a rise out of me, would not be a wise move.
I’m not looking forward to the gray and dreary days coming … so, as of last night's tempestuous vibes, I'll be practicing sanity-saving-hibernation for a few months to get me through this October, and into the coming month of March 2025; rain here at the beach has already been happening in spurts and sputters, but soon the monsoon rains will settle in, and sometimes skimpy snowflakes begin to spiral from the clouds to the earth - they don't stick long, but the bone-chilling chill, does.
Fall is a ‘gloaming’ season.
The days are short.
The days are 50% dark.
Winter is the dark season.
The darkness seems to never end from the end of October until mid-March …
My old bones are already feeling the creeping ache.
My best friend & constant companion, during PNW cold seasons.
And trapped inside, there is no way to escape unwanted thoughts that insist on running through the gray matter, like ticker-tape snippets. There are some memories you don't want to relive - or emotionally trip over, when they rampantly run through your thoughts on days your guard is down.
Holland's decision to stay in WA has been building to last night's crescendo - he has been vacillating for months, overthinking various pros and cons; but always, there was the want to stay in WA, even though he bitches about the wet and cold months ahead, he always circles back around to stating we'll be staying in WA. He has his reasons - and those reasons center around Kelso-WA
We have 1 vehicle … and that vehicle is always burning up the highway between the peninsula and Kelso: and parked the rest of the time to "conserve fuel usage". Yeah. I know.
For myself, I just have complete disinterest in anyone, right now. I am ready to bug out: waaaay out.
I was expecting to be on the road South: towards sunshine and it's healing, revitalizing rays.
Instead, I'll be cooling (literally) my aching heels, and sore lungs, in a wet and dreary PNW environment.
Seriously, right now, solitude suits.
I'll be avoiding Kelso.
I really do no want to be dealing with nonsensical snarkiness on top of the bone aches: so, I'll be avoiding most people for the next 6 months. And I'll basically be a shut-in because driving over the KM will be tricky … and I adamantly refuse to drive over the Megler-Astoria Bridge during the dicey weather months (I hate going over that bridge on the best of sunshine days): Holland wants to stay in WA, specifically this part of WA, so he can do all the ferrying between here-stores necessary-here, until Spring 2025.
Plus, my feet hurt - this is probably the combination of several factors: changes in the weather, age-related changes, and weight overload - all 3 {fit}; at this stage, there isn't much I can do about the first 2 mentions, but I am seriously working on the last.
Plantar fasciitis P.A.I.N.
I've been hobbling around the house since I woke up - I'm working through my own problems, I really do not have the energy or the time to take on anyone else's. If that makes me a "hateful person", so be it.
All I care about in my immediate present, is creating my own calming environment in this Season of my life, in my Autumn years.
I want a life of peace, love, and joy … and a little less radiating physical pain.
And I don’t particularly care anymore about being nice to offensive people: no matter who they are. That season ended 4 years ago, with the ebb and flow of 2020 - and Holland does not get to speak about, or to, those situations: he wasn't in my life at that point, and he knows nothing about what I went through that led to my walking away from people and situations.
If he wants to continue to court toxic people, and keep constant emotional turmoil in his days, that's "his business" (and he vociferously makes sure I understand that point).
But I do not have to partake of the toxicity - I do not have to allow those interactions to poison the home environment when he returns from sucking it up in Kelso; and he does not get to harass me about any stance I take to preserve peace in my life: I vociferously makes sure he understands that point.
Apparently, in this marriage, we are "that couple".
Home is my sanctuary; the battle line ends at the threshold; he can keep the fighting attitude in Kelso - here, I want a peaceful environment.
If he wants to stay in WA this winter, fine: but it's going to be a painful few months for me when it comes to body aches & bronchial flareups. I'll seriously be struggling to stay alive, and I'll just want to be left alone while I work through it all. I don't want to hear about the world's woes; I'm dealing with enough of my own, at the moment.
So, he's headed to Longview this morning to pickup a prescription … then hop over to Kelso, to bitch with Lana over morning coffee (it's their habit, and I don't want to engage in aimlessly bitching over stupid stuff).
I'm staying home, where my thoughts and aching body can be somewhat relaxed. I'll make a squash soup (recipe follows) - and just generally slip back into my solo lobo routine.
One of my routines is relaxing hand work; which I am doing while the washing machine spins, and the delicious Fall-scented supper soup completes it's cooking time
MOD Striped 2-4 lb. Preemie Sacque; Boy
The overcast Fall & dreary gray-clouded Winter months in the PNW are not good months for me, generally: the last thing I want this time of year, is to be scrapping with my husband (or listening to him and Lana, share a bitching cup of coffee in Kelso) over nonsensical stuff because he stayed up all night long, gorging and overthinking while watching YouTube videos that have nothing to do with US … but always seem to entangle US, at some point of the Day.
Lana just likes to stir things up, bitch, and complain: hence the weekly trips to Kelso, where he can get his gripe on.
I want a life of peace, love, and joy …
I hope to enjoy those things in this marriage, as some point, with my new husband; but he's an old dog, and I'm not sure he can learn new tricks ;-)
For now, in this moment, solitude suits.
Solitude can be a real blessing.
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This is a recipe I posted to my East of Eden Blog, a few years ago; but I wanted it for Supper, so I made it this morning :-)
You can use acorn, butternut, or banana squash (I used butternut).
I've added 2 bacon pieces to it for a little more flavor - and used curry powder, instead of coriander.
CROCKPOT SPICY WINTER SQUASH SOUP ~3 or 4 servings
1 Tbsp. Butter (I use margarine, and it works fine) * 1/2 cup Onion, chopped * 1 & 1/4 tsp. Garlic, minced * 1/2 tsp. (or less) Curry powder * 1/4 tsp. grnd. Cumin * pinch of grnd. Cayenne pepper * 4 cups squash, coarsely chopped * 3 - 1/2 c. Water * 1/2 tsp. Sugar * Salt & freshly grnd. Black Pepper, to taste (I used a salt substitute) * 1/2 c. Whipping Cream or Yogurt (either is optional) * 1-1/2 Tbsp. fresh Parsley, minced
Place all ingredients - except whipping cream, or yogurt - into the crockpot; plug it in, out the lid over everything … cook on HIGH heat to a boil; then reduce heat to LOW, for 6 to 8 hours (or until squash is very tender).
Butternut Squash.
I added 2 pieces of bacon; sliced.
Unplug crockpot, and remove the crock to cool. Place in 'fridge until cool enough to blend. Blend in batches to puree.
Place pureed soup in a saucepan over medium-low heat, and stir in the cream or yogurt if that is what you want; thin with additional water, if necessary.
Ladle into bowls and serve immediately. (Can be prepared 2 days in advance, and refrigerated to reheat).
YUM!
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