SAMEKH~Shabbat Eve; Coalinga-CA

October 17th: With the recent 2-day rainfall came life springing forth - with allergies quick on those heels. I had gone to bed early last night, but got little sleep as I tossed & turned most of the night. When Holland came upstairs around 5 AM, I had been laying there debating getting up or trying to corral the leaping dream sheep … I finally just got up around 5:30 AM, so Holland could get some uninterrupted sleep.

My nose is runny.

I'm sneezing hard enough to get whiplash.

My eyes are red-rimmed & free-flowing …

I felt miserable this morning.

I look like a junkie, and feel like I've been smacked by a hit-n-run truck I didn't see coming.

I did swallow some Dayquil; but it doesn't seem to be slowing anything down.

My thoughts are also running down rabbit trails; my 69th BD is coming up in December, & I can't help thinking that when December 30th rolls around I will be knowing that Bob's life on earth ended at 69, 7 years ago on December 14th. I don't actively court memories of that morning, but this time of year brings memories that run like ticker tape through my gray matter - and while those memories did sustain me during the early years of my widowing years, they do not belong in the Life I am building, now. The Life I am building and living in this moment, is making it's own memories. Memories that have nothing to do with 2018.

I don't think those memories would be intruding if this marriage hadn't suffered such traumatic upheavals over the 33 months we tied the knot. And that is why I am taking space to work on myself.

I have explained to Holland about the boundaries I have and why I keep them so diligently - and he is hearing me; while working on himself to better circumstances in his own life, for the betterment of our Life together.

This is progress.

This is growth.

This is welcome.

And eventually, those hard memories from the Fall & Winter of 2018 will be regulated back to the Past recesses of my gray matter, Holland will step back from the redmill sibling dramas, and we can get busy once and for all living our Life for US - happily weaving a tapestry of this current Life, that will have happy colorful threads overlaying all the sorrows & bringing life to it.

I downed some java joy juice while watching the sunrise, spent some time with Elohim & Yeshua … and I got busy downsizing a pattern to fit a micro preemie:

Lovely sunrise; Coalinga-CA

Self-care

Started a downsizing adaptation …

Around 2:30 PM, Holland mentioned that today was Friday, and asked if I would feel up to shopping the Farmer's Market in Huron; I said it was a possibility. So, I switched my pj's out for public wear - and off we went. We were early, and the vendors weren't set up yet, so Holland treated me to some side road adventuring 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

And I was able to enjoy all of it without aching, burning eyes; a wet, red nose; or whiplash neck-snapping effects 🙏😘

I have a good God.

I have a good husband.

Farmer's Market in Huron, CA from Almond Tree RV Park, Coalinga-CA; 12m (8.1 mi) via W Jayne Ave and CA-269 N Lassen Ave

First road took us through Five Points-CA; it's an agricultural area northeast of Coalinga with a history of agricultural production, including cotton, tomatoes, and almonds. In this era, the small community is basically just a pit stop with a remaining café and a few businesses at a 5-way junction of roads that intersect at its center. It was originally a transportation hub for farmers and traders in the late 19th century.

The unincorporated community was named by Alberta Hamilton in the 1920s when a fifth road was added to the original three, creating five directions from the intersection.

Five Points-CA: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Points,_California

An inviting restaurant; Five Points-CA

Lassen Market is in the background - blue building … P.O. is not close.

Five Points-CA; 18 min from Huron-CA,  (15.7 mi) via CA-269 N Lassen Ave

Then we backtracked a mile or two, & drove the length of Oakland Avenue-CA, which is orchard region; and we watched a crop dusting plane do it's thing … the pilot appeared to be doing two things at once with his plane: fertilizing a bare rototilled field & dusting an orchard plot - not sure how that's possible with one plane 🧐, but he was doing it 😎

Oakland Avenue-CA from Five Points-CA; 9 min (8.0 mi) via CA-269 S and W Oakland Ave

Crop Duster plane - he barely cleared the power lines 🤠😳

Crop Duster plane.

Not sure how we ended up in the Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA 😳 - but that's where we ended up before finding our way back to Huron. We were driving along, and I read a road sign we passed that said, Lacey Boulevard, and I turned to Holland & said, "I think we're in Hanford, now; I recognize that sign because there is an organic nutrients & supplements store on that road I want to visit. I had no idea that the city was this close!" Holland said, "Well, we've been driving back roads for about an hour, so that's about right."

Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA from Oakland Avenue-CA; 23 min (20.0 mi) via CA-269 S and CA-198 E

Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA

Hanford-CA from Naval Air Station in Lemoore-CA; 17 min (15.8 mi) via CA-198 E

Hanford-CA

Huron-CA from Hanford-CA; 35m (33.2 mi) via CA-198 W, Avenal Cutoff Rd and W Jayne Ave

We both saw a lot of new territory this afternoon 😊👌 I like exploring new roads - and I am glad Holland is loosening up enough to enjoy the adventurous explorations, too 😘

I looked up at the clouds overhead, and saw this Hebrew symbol in the clouds as we drove along; Elohim's eye is always on me - He loves me … and He always finds creative ways to encourage me 😁❤️

Hebrew Samekh symbol in the sky.

The Hebrew Samekh symbol signifies support, encircling, and completeness, with its circular shape representing infinity and endless cycles. It also symbolizes protection, like a shield or a shepherd's enclosure, and the concept of being upheld or supported, as seen in the root word samekh which means "to lean upon" or "to support". The shape is also compared to a wedding ring, symbolizing a couple's commitment, and their desire to be wholly bonded in their marital commitment. In a biblical context, the letter is the fifteenth letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and indicates a closed section in a text, and in numerology, it represents the number 60, which is associated with completeness.

Zemer Levav - 'As Long As I Breathe' song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I8jVET0B0w)

I really mean it when I tell people that I am never alone in this walk through Life. It is good to be a daughter of the Most High God & the Bride of Yeshua 👍

I can always trust Him to know me best ❤️ … and to give me the best 💖 so that I never have to walk alone through Life.

Back home again, I put my Farmer's Market purchases away with a smile as a verse from Scripture ran through my thoughts: "She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar". This verse is part of a larger passage describing the virtuous and capable wife in Proverbs 31:14. The imagery of the verse highlights a willing & industrious nature of a wife's ability to proactively provide for her household by traveling distances if need be, and securing food sources from everywhere; similar to how an old world ship's captain would travel long distances for trade goods.

The thought & imagery made my domesticated wifey heart happy 😊

Bulb onions, purslane, little white onions, peppers, bananas. peaches, oranges, pears, papaya, zucchini, tomatoes.

I made a quick supper of soup & sandwiches; and as soon as the dishes were done … I got busy on the little sweater I had started during my morning coffee hour:

I'll finish the sleeves, tomorrow.

Today turned out better than anticipated when I rolled out of bed this morning.

I was blessed many times over throughout the Day 🥰, and fell back into bed with a satisfied sigh 🛌🕊️😴

LIVENING THINGS UP: Coalinga-CA

October 14th: I woke up to furious rainfall this morning; California is experiencing its first widespread soaking of the season, which will also include the heaviest Sierra snowfall so far this fall. This storm system is currently diving southward along the California coast, with rain from the Central Valley into parts of Southern California, and snow falling in the Sierra.

Fall is the transition period in California. Sometimes, strong Santa Ana winds fan large wildfires in October - even so, where we are currently, is the best place to be; considering the destructive weather 😳 in places we are normally are hunkered down in this time of year (Yuma-AZ, Quartzsite-AZ, Parker-AZ, Kingman-AZ to name a few).

When Holland was up and finished his mug of coffee, he suggested driving into Coalinga for our Tuesday bucket of chicken from KFC

Along the way, we skidded on wet mud, off the road, and nearly smacked an orchard tree with Betsy's broad side. We could see across the way that there was a tow truck … so, Holland walked across the highway to ask for a pull out of the slick & sticky mud: the man obliged - and refused pay; we were thankful, and I prayed a blessing on the man for his open-handed kindness 🙏

An unforeseen incident - this slick situation is a little too close for comfort.

Never a dull moment with either husband.

We had a fun time filled with laughter and light-hearted teasing, following the livened up mudding incident; we made Coalinga without any more interesting snafu's, and Holland asked one of the KFC workers if there was a hand wash car wash in town … there was 😁👍 We had driven past it many times without noticing. Today, we noticed, and utilized it 😉

We got back home before the gray clouds unleashed more pent up precipitation - and enjoyed our hot chicken in Independence's cozy warmth.

The overnight rainfall perked everything up - vibrancy was on display at the KFC drive through; Coalinga-CA

A DIY Car Wash - Holland was happy to find this.

Betsy was not bogged down by muddy clay anymore.

The tail-end of the 2-day storm; Coalinga-CA

More than hot chicken was enjoyed in our cozy nest: we are both working on ourselves this year to shore each other up, and mend the torn fabric of the Life we are weaving: we know what we want … and we both know that Elohim knows how to get us there.

Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and roses the whole time - and it’s been really tough, at times. But that’s life, isn’t it? Some days are good. Some days are terrible. We don't know from one day to the next how it will go, but we both just know that our lives are better with each other in it, than it is without. Some days you just drift apart for a while - you get your ugly times, your bad times and your horrific times. But if you love each other enough, you'll work through.

I remember when it dawned on me that Holland was courting me: Holland had cooked something (for everyone gathered, but specifically with me, in his thoughts), "with margarine - not butter; for the first time, there is margarine in my refrigerator": I knew then, that he had placed me in his priority zone.

I remember when he went out of his way to bring Thanksgiving Supper to me - he thought about me the entire time he was with his Kelso family members … and he told them about me: that he was going to marry me. When I agreed to Christmas Supper, the family members were already prepped to meet me. He is always a forward thinking man.

I remember when I wanted to get out of Longview for good … he gamely jumped on my Road Gypsy thought train and drove us clear across America (to West Virginia), to purchase Independence, because we could buy her at half cost, and have her out-fitted on site; to suit our needs.

I remember that while we were touring America and wildfires broke out everywhere around us - he drove nonstop through several States, to get me safely to a place where there was no smoke in the air: wildfire smoke started in Idaho, wound down through Nevada .. and up the coastline from California, Oregon, and to Long Beach-WA. We finally found a safe haven at David's beach property, where the air was clear and Holland could rest easy (his mind, his body, his generous loving heart).

I remember that even when the fight is on hot and heavy - he is the first one to forgive bad behavior and seek to rectify the situation (loving ministrations more with actions, than with words); I'm not so quick … and he overlooks that, letting me cool down in my own way, in my own time.

I remember the sight-seeing detours he planned along routes he hated - just so I could have the chance to see those places & share through pictures & videos, those places with my far-flung friends across the globe.

And I remember so many other things, too, that let me hear "he's the one."

I remember that he is fighting demons from his Past, that at times hamstring him from enjoying the Present.

No one else has to understand it; half the time WE don't understand it … and that's okay: we know that God brought US about (no other way "we" could have happened), so we'll continue working it out - for the 95% of time there are no questions 😉

I wanted different; I petitioned Elohim for different … I got different: Life has been livened up.

Self-care measures.

The prayers this year are the same as last year: we want to enjoy each other, and have fun with each other's company; we want relative solitude; we want to visit, and camp, in far-flung isolated ghost towns, abandoned mining communities; where the only sound is the quiet hum of nature, and a skidding pebble under the soles of our shoes as we explore … I want to listen to the coyotes sing their night songs, and view the stars, and milky way, in all their nighttime glory. We want a smaller camper - a smaller camper would help us check off our Bucket List events. We want to visit places in the mid-West, and on the East Coast, where we won't have to be overly concerned about undersized parking areas. We want to be able to park and camp, inside National Parks, instead of 4 hours outside them.

Of course, Elohim's Plans for us may not be our plans for us - but on the off-chance that we are all in agreement, we are hoping & praying that Elohim agrees with these wants, and helps to provide us with a workable solution.

As the evening arrived & progressed into the wee early morning hours, I had watched several humorous movies, and finished up 2 little clothing items that will be going into the city with us next month, when we go that way for grocery shopping:

I watched Diane Keaton movies for hours while working these little things up …

GOOD VIBRATIONS; Coalinga-CA

Mr. Complication is a true contradiction 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️: he wants to be left alone … but he can't stand it 😒 when I leave him alone.

Last night after I set my little project aside, and started doing dishes, he says, "I have to go into Coalinga tomorrow to get some nicotine patches, and you're going with me if I have to hog-tie you and load you into that truck; you need to get out of the house. And I want you with me."

I thought, 'Well la-de-dah'. But, I agreed to go. I agreed because I do need to get out of the house … and I also agreed because he is trying to meet me halfway with the nicotine issue: he heard me after all. And I know he misses me when I claim space, to keep the peace - it wouldn't strain me to meet him halfway.

Middle ground is always a good place to be standing 🕊️

Middle ground is where hope lives 🙏 & change begins to happen ☝️; middle ground gives off good vibrations 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Foreigner - 'With Heaven On Our Side' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df4n87Zr6ZE&list=RDDf4n87Zr6ZE&start_radio=1)

The day was pleasantly sunny, even though there is a storm blowing in, in a couple days:

A little but gusty this afternoon …

A yellow blossom! On the prickly pear cactus, in the alley behind the little mini mart Holland nips into now and then when in Coalinga.

Prickly pear Cactus blossom = internet picture.

Pizza for lunch - we ate it while people watching & making small talk.

When we got back home, Holland took a little nap & I picked up where I left off on the little project I started last night. When he got up again, I went for a short walk around the Park … and learned the little horse's name 😉

It felt good to be walking outside, again: for the past 2 weeks, we have walked a mile in stores (walking, bending, stretching, lifting; daily exercise, just shopping); but, this is my first walk outdoors since we arrived here the end of August. The days have been very hot, which is wonderful for the joints - not so wonderful when engaged in prolonged activity: tonight was cool enough to be active outside 😊

An evening walk today, around the Park - the miniature horse's name is Shaniah (literal spelling posted on the chain link fence).

Just under half a mile.

Back inside, I checked PM's while cooking supper - and was happy with the good vibrations of this message:

Query sent last night.

Reply today. Happy outcome for everyone.

I'm done with death (I was making clothing for stillborn babies, but with all the sibling suicides … and fallout angsts in Holland's family - I got burnt out on anything death related), but I still want to make tiny baby items for parents: I enjoy making tiny clothing, I enjoy designing tiny clothing, and I enjoy knowing I can be productive with the skills Yeshua blessed me with … for the area we are presently in.

My current project …

And just a few minutes ago, I looked up from my current WIP and burst out laughing when I saw my husband's curls sticking up like devil horns; he kinda missed the humor, but I thought it kinda fit his attitude as well as this particular month 🎃😉

His 'devil horns' curls, crack me up 😂🤣

PLAY THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT: Coalinga-CA

We basically just lazed around; drinking coffee, resting our bodies – relaxing our minds. Unapologetically not doing much of anything else, but moving in slo-mo, and healing.

We both have a lot of baggage to unload.

Yep; Russell summed up my own thoughts, exactly …

We both are working on ourselves - for each other.

Individually, as well as together.

Gary Allan - 'Learning How To Bend' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQwEbbnsK5g)

I've always been an independent woman who doesn't need a man to boost my personhood: I get along quite well solo lobo. If a man is in my life on a steady basis, he's in it because I want to share all of my life with him - not because my life is meaningless without him. I choose to make a place for him in my life. Just sayin.

I've only opened my life to 2 men: Bob and Holland; each fitting my life completely, in two totally different scenarios. I loved Bob while he walked this Earth with me for 44 years. I love Holland as equally deep - and I will walk this Earth beside him, for the rest of whatever timeframe of life Elohim grants us.

But, this walk with this Life Partner is not a cake walk … it's a tightrope walk:

Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble - 'Tightrope' song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu7haLxD2WM

We were doing good - then, the inevitable Kelso phone tag started.

Just the thought of going back to WA State trips me up. There is nothing there for me, but sad feelings & bad memories (siblings & kids). When WA is mentioned, unwanted thoughts insist on running through my gray matter, like ticker-tape snippets: memories I do not want to relive - or emotionally trip over, when they rampantly run through my thoughts on days my guard is down. Constantly trapped on the redmill hamster wheel keeps my guard down because I am worn down with the ensuing arguing that always follows those "touching base" calls that seem to hinge on the doomsday commune his uncle bob wants to form "on the ranch" - which really isn't a ranch at all, but a run down redmill shanty community atop a hillside along Westside Highway.

I know eventually Holland will  move us back there to stay regardless of the damage it will do to my psyche & heart; and the joint pain that inevitably comes with the arrival of the PNW's cold wet winter months. I have tried to explain this to my husband … but he tunes it out. I really wish the phone calls to and from Kelso-WA would stop. There is angst fallout in our home when those calls occur; from Holland because he feels guilty he is not there - and from me, because I am really sick and tired of the craziness; I don't want the intrusive memories linked to WA, and I really don't want the winter aches. I'm working through my own problems, I do not have the energy or the time to take on anyone else's. If that makes me a "hateful person", so be it.

All I care about in my immediate present, is creating my own calming environment in this Season of my life, in my Autumn years.

I want a life of peace, love, and joy … and a little less radiating physical pain.

I don't want to hear about the world's woes - family, global, ect.; I'm dealing with enough struggles of my own.

My trust issues aren’t with things … my trust issues are with my heart – with my emotions. Things can be replaced; and most things are meaningless … just window-dressing in this life journey. It’s not things I have trust issues with.

When the next sibling death call comes … my husband will need me like never before; help me Lord to stand strong among the flames & our union is preserved.

So, I am working on me … working my way back to a peaceful frame of mind in the midst of my husband's courted chaotic turmoil. Learned behavior can be unlearned - but he has to let go and let Yeshua: he's not ready to do that, yet.

I don’t want to go back to building walls around my heart.

I don’t want to learn to couch my emotions again.

I want to live joyfully, in the fullness of whatever time I am granted here on Earth.

I don't want anger towards undisciplined strangers to run my emotions.

I don't want anger over unfulfilled dreams to rule my days.

I let anger run wild while dealing with widowing issues … and I allowed it to control these 3 years of being a senior newlywed, spliced into a seriously dysfunctional network of questionable characters of cultic proportions.

I'm tired of doing the crab-walking-side step around the tiger in the room: jungle love is losing it's appeal.

Steve Miller Band - "Jungle Love" Lyrics:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8B7BE-f5yc&list=RDU8B7BE-f5yc&start_radio=1

To those who are reading my posts and thinking, “I thought she said she was a Christian.” Let me say this, “I AM”. 100%. I am also human. 100%. Yeshua created me with emotions; he expects me to utilize those emotions. He is not shocked, or offended, by what I am feeling … or saying, in the moment. Yeshua also created me with free will; meaning He doesn’t control me. BUT He always LOVES me. No matter what. I never have to explain myself to Him because He “gets me”; He KNOWS me. Being saved means you recognize Elohei as the One true God/You love Elohim with all your body, soul, and mind/You recognize Elohim’s Son, Yeshua, as Lord & Savior/You live your life FOR Elohei. Period – that’s it. There are no other requirements.

I DO recognize Elohei as the One True God. I DO love Elohim with ALL of me. I DO recognize Yeshua as the Son of God, my Lord & Savior (where would I be without HIM?). I DO live my life for Elohei. Period. That’s it. I AM saved – I AM a Christian. I may not {be} the Christian you assume Christians to “be”, but I am the Christian Elohei KNOWS me to be: He loves and accepts me right now, where I am in my life; and that is good enough for me, at this particular moment. Tomorrow I may be in another place in my life … a calmer place that will have a calmer reaction. But I can't guarantee that - every day right now is a wild card draw: I play life now with a hope & a prayer, I never know what card will show, and I play the hand dealt; best I can.

Elohei knows what I am dealing with every second of every day of my life: I appreciate that He loves me no matter what stage of life I am walking through; I like that He cuts me some slack to grow & mature in hostile environments and unfamiliar territory. Yeshua created me – He knows my character; He looks beyond the outer person & sees the inner me that no one else sees. Yeshua KNOWS ME … and He knows I am more than what others see with their assumptive & conclusive eyes.

I'm not sorry for being selfish right now - selfishness leads to healing; you cannot pour from an empty cup.

I'm no good for anyone else, if I'm no good for me because I'm running on empty.

The weekly chaos of the past 3 years has significantly drained me: all the headway I managed to make following Bob's death has been totally undone by the continual redmill chaos stirred up by aging people who refuse to grow up - and a husband who feels it's his personal duty to "save!" people from situations they do not want saving from.

If I'm going to stay "in the game" … and I am, because no matter what anyone else thinks, it is my calling, then I have got to make myself a priority so I am alert enough to win the Game.

If Elohim is seriously displeased with me, He knows where I live: He knows how to get my attention to turn me around quick. Elohim makes house calls, and he doesn’t bother using the doorbell.

So, I am taking some [space] from the churned up chaos, taking some down time to work on me … practicing touch-n-go tactics with social media interactions, pulling back with peopling activities, enjoying the quiet creative activities that soothe me and redirect my thoughts - in general I am being "impossible!" in how I choose to work my way back to a peaceful frame of mind. And I'm okay with that, because I know I am not impossible: what I am is selective in how I allow my emotions to be played. And that's okay, too.

DIANE KEATON DIED TODAY; Coalinga-CA

Oh 😔

Sad news just popped up on my laptop newsfeed.

Diane Keaton Dies at 79: 

https://people.com/diane-keaton-dead-oscar-winning-actress-dies-at-79-exclusive-8603118

RIP Diane. You entertained through the decades and never missed a step. You were witty, funny, always fashionably dressed, and always true to yourself. You will be missed.

I hated Annie Hall - which was the movie that "made " her; but I loved the following … 'Baby Boom'; 'Something's Gotta Give'; 'Because I said So'; 'The Family Stone'; 'Manhattan Murder Mystery'; 'The First Wives Club'; 'The Other Sister'; 'Mad Money'; 'Morning Glory'; 'Darling Companion'; & 'Love The Coopers'.

Diane Keaton - 'SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE' movie tidbit: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8UhjPXzJMs)