POISONOUS LEAVES; Ocean Park-WA

Building a New Life is difficult. There are a lot of starts that fizzle out and go up in smoke.

Embarking on a new marriage journey, following a 44 year marriage has a lot of smokey fizzles; I was used to a settled atmosphere, knowing where I stood with my husband, who I was, and what my purpose was in that life we had built together.

This marriage with Holland is very complex 😟 and daily confusing. This marriage is really pretty new: 29 months old, to be exact. I’m still trying to find where I {fit} - or if I'll ever fit. Do I even want to fit? At this age, is it absolutely imperative that I be in these people's company to keep my marriage healthy? At what cost do we keep our lives separate? I've never been in any relationship that compares with this one I am in, right now 😑

There is no real connection with any of them. On any level. When Holland deems to include me in the visitations, they sit around talking about the Past - a Past I was not part of (thank the Lord!), rehashing incidents I'm better off not knowing about, and competing with victimhood complaints. It's isolating. It's annoying. The remembrances - to my point of view, are hair raising, at times. Overall, it's ridiculously time wasting. There is no real connection with any of them. On any level.

At home, I'm tired of all the 6 week blowouts 🤬 that never seem to solve anything, after the smoke clears. I'm not used to all the shouting, the stonewalling, the angry silences, blatant disrespect, or the poisoned leaves effect. I'm not used to any of the atmospheric chaos 🤠, or the stressful fallout, I've been living with the past 29 months.

I like a quieter, more relaxed vibe 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 I like living a life that does not teeter on rebellious adventures, dangerous pursuits, or criminal activity.

Holland and his family thrive on adrenaline rushes - some of the stuff I've heard! I am thankful I didn't know Holland any earlier - and I really wish he'd stop talking about those earlier days, distance himself from the adrenaline junkies, and settle into a more mature lifestyle. NONE of what I've seen or heard is Christian behavior … despite his parents having been in the ministry, his uncle pastoring a family church - and his uncle's daughter hosting Bible Studies, a great nephew being a youth pastor & music leader, or his nephew recently acquiring a pastoral position: n.o.n.e. of these people should be in a ministering position 😳🤔 Nada.

Building a New Life is difficult. Marriage can be challenging - marriage can also be a calling … and I'm beginning to think this marriage is exactly that. So, the other day, when obedience was once more brought into the heated exchange, I said, "I am obeying! I'm still here: trust me, I am in full obedience 😇 in where Elohim wants me to be. Apparently He thinks I'm badass enough to stick it out to the bitter end!"

Today, I worked a little more on my latest WIP (work in progress) ✂️👌, responded to a text from a friend 🙏, & engaged in body toning 🏋️‍♀️ ; redirecting my mind is a saving grace 😉

Building a New Life is difficult 💞🤦🏻‍♀️

These past 29 months have been difficult at times 😒😤🙏🙄😭😕🩹

But with Elohim's faithfulness, and Yeshua's healing, hope hovers 🕊️

WEDNESDAY BIBLE STUDY/2 TIMOTHY ~ Chapter 3

This portion of *Paul's 2 Timothy Epistle highlights his urgency to prepare and encourage **Timothy for a deeper and stronger grasp of his work concerning #The Faith. In this letter, Paul anticipates a time of growing apostasy (withdrawl, relapse, backsliding = betrayal) and wickedness (actions, thoughts, and intentions that are morally wrong and evil; going against ***Elohim's Will and righteousness = the opposite of righteousness that embraces a way of life characterized by sin, rebelliousness, and a disregard for justice and virtue) when men and women will be increasingly susceptible to empty religiosity & false teaching (3:1 thru 9). Arrogance (overbearing pride; an arrogant person sees themselves as better than others and may exaggerate their self-importance) and godlessness (a mode of thinking or being that excludes Elohim from life and ignores or perhaps even deliberately violates Elohim's laws and commandments = godless or ungodly persons are those who live, act, and think as though Elohim can be ignored or spurned) will breed (bring forth; increase) further deception & persecution; but Timothy must not waver (be be uncertain about what you think, or feel, about something or someone) in using the Scripture to combat doctrinal error & moral evil (3:10 thru 17). The Scriptures are inspired by Elohim, and with them Timothy is equipped to carry out the ministry to which he was called. 

********************

Wednesday Bible Study/2 TIMOTHY ~ Chapter 3

Coming of Apostasy

(vv. 1 thru 9)

"But know this - that in the last days, perilous (hazardous, insecure, dangerous; times of stress) times will come: for men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters (bragger, gaslighter, egoist = strutting peacock), proud, blasphemers (disrespector, irreligionist = atheist, heathen, pagan; unchristian), disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers (false teachers speaking false doctrine; liar), without self-control, brutal, despisers of good (people who show disrespect or hate for what is considered virtuous, moral, or beneficial = people who don't want to live right and hate everyone who does), traitors (a sellout to the enemy), headstrong (determined to have their own way and unwilling to listen to advice or consider other perspectives; stubborn and resolute, pushing forward with their own ideas even when wrong), haughty (have a big attitude and acting better than other people; overbearing, prideful, swaggering, and obnoxious), lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of Elohim, having a form of godliness (the reverent awareness of Elohim's sovereignty over every aspect of life, and the attendant determination to honor Him in all one's conduct) but denying its power (the ****Ruach HaKo'desh = baptism of the Holy Ghost, Acts 1); from such people, turn away!

For of this sort (a person having the stated, or suggested character) are those who creep into households and make captives (being controlled by a situation or emotions) of gullible women (easily deceived or tricked because they are too trusting and willing to believe what others say without questioning or critical thinking = naïve, innocent, or unsuspecting, making them vulnerable to scams, misinformation, and manipulation) loaded down with sins (these false teachers, driven by lust and sin, seek to control and manipulate those they have influenced), led astray by various lusts (Matthew 23:14), always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the Truth (1 Timothy 2:4). Now as ^Jannes & ^^Jambres resisted (violated, opposed, defied) Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt (immoral, perverse, greedy) minds, disapproved (frown upon; object to; go against) concerning the Faith (Exodus 7:11, 12 & 22; 8:7 - Romans 1:28 & 1 Timothy 6:5): but they will progress no further, for their folly (a lack of good sense or judgment; foolish or misguided behavior, actions, or beliefs) will be manifest (make it clear or evident; to show it plainly; to bring it into physical reality through thought and action) to all, as theirs also was (Exodus 7:11 & 12; 8:18 & 9:11).

Confronting (face to face conflict of opposing ideas) Apostasy

(vv. 10 thru 17)

But you have carefully (a thorough, attentive, or painstaking way; giving thought to avoiding errors) followed my doctrine (teaching; belief; rule), manner of life, faith, long-suffering (having or showing patience in spite of troubles, especially those caused by other people), love, perseverance (the ability to keep doing something in spite of obstacles), persecutions (punishment or harassment usually of a severe nature on the basis of race, religion, or political opinion), & afflictions (great distress, pain, or suffering), which happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra - what persecutions I have endured (tolerate; hold out, or put up with something unpleasant). And out of them all the *****Lord delivered ( rescued, and saved) me (1 Timothy 4:6).

Yes, and all who desire to live godly in *****Yeshua Ha'Mashiach will suffer persecutions (Psalm 34:19). But evil (harmful; sinful = morally wrong or bad, and often involving harm or suffering; causing pain & misfortune = tragedy, tribulation) men and imposters (somebody who pretends to be somebody or or something that they are not) will grow worse & worse, deceiving and being deceived (2 Thessalonians 2:11).

But as for you, continue in the things which you have learned and have been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have know the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise (deep understanding, keen discernment, & a capacity for sound judgment) for salvation through faith which is in Yeshua Ha'Mashiach (John 5:39). All Scripture is given by inspiration (comes from the Latin word “inspiratus,” which essentially means “breathe into.” It has been said that, before this literal meaning, the word inspiration had a theological basis that predated this definition. It initially referred to the influence of a divine entity on a person; a force or influence that inspires) of Elohim, and is profitable for doctrine; for reproof (scolding; rebuke), for correction, for instruction in righteousness (generally refers to a person's moral character, their ability to act justly and correctly, & speaks to their relationship with Elohim), that the man of God may be complete (having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire = unbroken), thoroughly equipped (possessing the necessary tools, knowledge, skills, and qualities to effectively accomplish a task, or succeed in a particular situation) for every good work (to do something very well; supportive environment with constructive relationships; good works include acts of love, charity, and service to others, as well as being faithful to one's calling)."

*Apostle Paul = known as Saul before he converted to Christianity (Acts 9), was the chief killer of Christians following Yeshua’s death, resurrection, and ascension – being the foremost witness to the stoning of Stephen (Acts 7).

The Apostle Paul was one of the most influential leaders of the early Christian Church. He played a crucial role in spreading the gospel to the Gentiles (non-Jews) during the first century, and his missionary journeys took him all throughout the Roman empire.

Apostle (/əˈpɒsəl/) = in its literal sense, is an emissary. The word is derived from Ancient Greek ἀπόστολος (apóstolos), literally "one who is sent off", itself derived from the verb ἀποστέλλειν (apostéllein), "to send off". The purpose of such sending off is usually to convey a message, and thus "messenger" is a common alternative translation; other common translations include "ambassador" and "envoy".

Apostle in the Gospels is one of an authoritative New Testament group sent out to preach the gospel and made up especially of Christ's 12 original disciples and Paul.

**Timothy = son of the devout Jewish woman, Eunice, and a Greek father, Timothy became a follower of Yeshua Ha’Mashiach when Apostle Paul preached the Gospel in Lystra, Timothy’s hometown. Paul invited the young convert to accompany him on his second missionary journey; and was sent to Thessalonica to strengthen the fellowship there. After another journey with Paul, Timothy was sent to Corinth to straighten out some problems upsetting the fellowship there.

Timothy later looked after Paul during Paul’s imprisonment. Timothy subsequently was asked to go to Ephesus to represent Paul, and received the two letters from Paul that bear Timothy’s Name. Timothy – these letters reveal, was like a son to Paul.

The last word in the New Covenant about this sensitive, sickly, but faithful young helper was that he was imprisoned but finally released. Acts 16:1, 17:14-15, 18:5, 19:22 & 20:4; Romans 16:21; 1 Corinthians 4;17 & 16:10; 2 Corinthians1:1 & 19; Colossians 1:1; 1 Thessalonians 1:1, 3:2, & 6; 2 Thessalonians 1:1; 1 & 2 Timothy; Philemon 1; and Hebrews 13:23.

***Elohim (Hebrew: אֱלֹהִים, romanized: ʾּlōhīm: (eloˈ(h)im) is a Hebrew word meaning "Gods – Father, Son, & Holy Spirit". Although the word is plural in form, in the Hebrew Bible it usually refers to a single deity “Behold, the Lord – the Lord is One”, particularly the God of Israel.

****Ruach HaKo'desh (The Hebrew language phrase ruach ha-kodesh is pronounced ROO-akh-KOH-desh: רוח הקודש, "holy spirit" also transliterated ruaḥ ha-qodesh) is used in the Hebrew Bible and Jewish writings to refer to the spirit of YHWH (רוח יהוה); the Holy Spirit occurs 90 times in the Brit Chadashah. Luke 3:16; Ephesians 1:13, & 4:30; 1 Thessalonians 4:8; Titus 3:5; 1 Corinthians 6:9; & Jude 1:20.

The New Testament is called the B'rit Chadashah in Hebrew, meaning "New Covenant" (the word B'rit means "covenant" and Chadashah means "new").

*****Lord = Jesus Christ (in Greek: Kyrios Iēsous Christos) = the most formal title for Jesus (Yeshua). It occurs often in the New Testament letters.

The word “Lord” has a wide range of uses; it can be a simple respectful “Sir” or a more formal, “Master.” But the New Testament also uses “Lord” of God. The word “Christ” is the anglicized form of the Greek word meaning “anointed one” or “Messiah.” “Lord Jesus Christ” reminds us that Jesus is both the promised Messiah and our God.

Yeshua Ha’Mashiach: is Hebrew for “Jesus the Messiah”; the name Jesus is the Greek form of the Hebrew name Yeshua.

Christ (from the Hebrew word, Ha’Mashiach ישוע המשיח & the Greek word, Christos/khris-tos) = The Anointed, Yeshua the Messiah, in both languages.

#The Faith = represents the specific doctrines, teachings, and beliefs that distinguish Christianity from other religions. It includes the core beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation, and the afterlife. 

It's not just a personal belief, but a shared understanding and tradition within the Christian community. 

^Jannes: the name tradition assigned to one of the magicians in the pharaoh's court when Moses & Aaron came to require the release of the children of Abraham; Jannes is not mentioned by name in the Old Testament at all … the Apostle Paul supplies the names of Jannes & Jambres, who tried to thwart Moses' & Aaron's mission by pitting their secret arts magic against Elohim's power, before pharaoh (Exodus 7:10-12).

A "name tradition" refers to the customary practices, beliefs, or rituals surrounding the giving and use of names within a particular culture, family, or group. These traditions can vary widely, encompassing aspects like the timing of naming ceremonies, the selection of names based on lineage, religious beliefs, or other cultural significance, and the meaning associated with different names. 

^^Jambres: refer to Jannes, above.

**Wednesday Bible Study/2 TIMOTHY ~ Chapter 2: https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/05/wednesday-bible-study2-timothy-chapter-2.html

TOUGH DAYS~TOUGH ENOUGH; Ocean Park-WA

Sunday, June 1st: This morning, I didn't get to bed until 6 AM … Holland & I are doing split shift sleeping: he went to be around 10 PM, and didn't stir - or wake up until 6 AM. I fell into 🛌 when he vacated, & 😴 until noon.

This sleeping pattern actually works better for us both; I've always been a night-owl … and I've noticed that Holland sleeps through several hours of uninterrupted sleep when he has the bed to himself. I don't mind - he needs the sleep.

And I tend to {travel} the bed when I'm in it: frequent tossing and turning, and sometimes crowding. Even in a super-sized king bed, I'm usually smack-dab in the center, snuggled against my husband. I prefer snuggling … Holland prefers open space around his body, and sprawling arms and legs from edge to edge. I slept alone from September 2018 to January 7th, 2023; I can do it again.

Holland wants [space].

I finding I'm also needing the [space].

The current sleeping arrangement is working for the [space].

When I woke up, I decided to make a trip to Longview to buy some groceries at Winco. Refills were needed for a couple spices, and I wanted some fresh sliced pepper bacon - among other things on my List.

Glittery eyeshadows in Nude, Copper & Green; Auburn Brow Gel; Green Mascara; a blending of Pink & Coral liquid blushes; Pink Sand Lipstick.

Surfing the internet while Holland finishes his coffee; I like how the greens bring out the green on my Hazel eyes.

Longview-WA from Ocean Park-WA; 1 hr 41 min (79.4 mi) via US-30 E

Holland drove me into Longview; Betsy is his true 'Baby', and he is particular about mileage and how she is handled (he really believes that the 4x is "too much" for me to handle; she's not, but it's not worth arguing over) - so, I let him drive. And, of course the air inside Betsy's cab was blue with self-righteous steam billowing out of his ears, nose, and mouth, from start to finish. I let him rail (when he's on a roll, there's no stopping him anyways). Nearing the outskirts of Longview, I finally said, "We've been over all this for 2 solid years - I'm tired of the same arguments over the same people. I'm tired of the sneaky behavior when you spend time with them. I'm tired of the shark bite attacks when I find out what you lied to me about. I'm just plain t.i.r.e.d. of the never-ending crazy train ride. The point is that no matter where we go, or decide to settle, Kelso & Woodland will always be with us because you can't cut yourself loose. And I don't want that baggage mucking up my life. Your life is tied to my life, no matter how you want to spin it. You want to claim your right to be wrong … so, be wrong. I claim the right to jump out of the fire. You want a separate life, have at it. I'm tired of this never ending fighting over people I don't know - except for what you tell me; people I've met & don't like: first impressions have lasting effects; and people I don't want to know, on principle. So, I am finally agreeable - we have nothing in common other than those 18 months of friendship before we got married. I didn't know then that you were such a tyrant 👺😡. I need space from this entire situation 😟💔."

It didn't take long to gather the things I wanted from Winco. I was surprised to find that most of what I was after has been phased out - we've been gone from this region a long time, and maybe the store underwent management changes; but things were really different. So, I'll be looking for an alternative bulk foods supplier. I already know where to go for meats no longer available at this store.

I loaded the meager groceries into Betsy's back cab, and climbed into the passenger seat. Settled comfortably, I reached for my phone and researched stores closer to Ocean Park that might offer what was lacking in Longview's Winco. Two stores came up in my search … and they are in Seaside-OR.

Seaside is closer to Ocean Park than Longview is - about an hour closer: so, that's a possibility 🤔 I'd have to cross that horrible Astoria-Megler Bridge twice; but the coastal drive would be a nice drive. I'll be checking that out.

When a fresh argument threatened to break out on our way home, coming into Graysriver, I slipped a Joel Chernoff disc into the CD player. I wanted to wind my day up with a calming atmosphere: 4 hours of fighting is very tiring.

The CD's soothing songs lasted all the way back to Ocean Park … and into the night 🕊️:

Joel Chernoff - 'The Restoration of Israel' Full Album:  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezjCn-M1Fec&list=OLAK5uy_kNVKng95W10t6jG4YvrNqctRbCcpD6mgE)

Each new day is an opportunity to mold a brighter future: one decision, one thought, and one moment at a time 🩹

Better Days lay ahead.

I bought food today, that is good for my whole well-being.

And after Holland went to bed tonight, I worked on toning my muscles 🏋️‍♀️

I am tough enough to embrace the change 🙏, cherish the growth ✝️ 📖, and firmly hold onto the promise of better tomorrows.

JAMES LOWE~The Electric Prunes Band: R.I.P.

I always prefer the dance music of "old-school" garage bands, so popular in the 1960s.

R.I.P. James.

Good music: good times.

'60s Psychedelic Rock Icon Dies at 82: https://parade.com/news/60s-psychedelic-rock-icon-james-lowe-electric-prunes-dead

The Electric Prunes - 'I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeVnbAfcwv8)

The Electric Prunes - 'Get Me To The World On Time' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyLLniqj4Ys)

The Electric Prunes - 'Bangles' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49dSlHBPeMg)

History of the ELECTRIC PRUNES: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU2NUIa_HQ4)

HOPEFULLY HANGING BACK; Ocean Park-WA

Friday was a very bad day – the early morning hours started out rough, and by 10:30 a.m., chaos reigned supreme.

Saturday was calmer, but just as tilted.

All because of 1 out-of-control persona.

Wednesday was a good day.

Sandwich Date: https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/05/sandwich-date-seaview-wa.html

I didn't realize until a few days later that it was a typical redmill buttering-up day. You'd think that after 2-1/2 years of being married to this man, I'd know the drill.

But, I don't.

Thursday morning, Holland had an appointment scheduled for Betsy's transmission maintenance, in Longview - he left here while it  was still dark. I took the time while he was gone to deep clean Independence; from end to end. I got supper underway … allergies left my body alone, and allowed me enough mercy to feel rejuvenated enough to apply some makeup & slip into one of the blouses Graysriver Ramona gifted with 2 weeks ago.

Winding down from my busy morning activities, I was starting to work on my current knitting project; when I caught sight of Betsy pulling into our parking space; we were both surprised - me that he was home early … and him, that I was feeling well enough to be wearing something other than my p.j.'s:

Gifts from Linda - passed onto me, from Ramona; my favorite colors.

SELF-CARE FRIENDSHIP DAY; Rosburg-WA: 

(https://roadgypsiesvalandholland.blogspot.com/2025/05/self-care-friendship-day-rosburg-wa.html) 

Seeing me dressed and wearing some makeup, he asked and off-hand question that didn't make sense until yesterday - when he was talking to his cousin, in Colorado. Coming into the house Thursday afternoon, he asked, "Am I in trouble? Are you going somewhere?" I thought that question was kinda strange, but I laughed it off as him just being silly, seeing me in something other than p.j.'s (I have been laid low with allergies, sleeping most days away - when I am not coughing and sneezing).

However, while talking to his cousin - he let the cat out of the bag.

And that earlier strange question … suddenly made sense.

I played it cool, though I was fuming. I had specifically asked him not to visit the houses in Kelso because Mark's is always filled with a thick cloud of cigarette and marijuana smoke - and last time we were at Scott & Lana's together, it also was filled with cigarette smoke: and Lana was walking around with an oxygen tank oxygenizer stuck up her nose, with cigarette in hand.

I have asthmatic lungs.

Holland has COPD complications.

I can't visit these people when their houses are filled with cigarette smoke … and I specifically asked Holland not to, either. He already struggles to breathe; and I'd like to have him around for a while.

But Holland is going to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do  it, with whoever he feels he wants to do it with - and he doesn't want any flack about that.

So, when the call with his cousin ended, and feeling guilty about the phone convo slip; Holland started the ensuing fight with, "I have a right to visit my family. Where I go, and who I spend time with is none of your fucking business."

This happens every time he makes a trip to Kelso.

Rebellion thrives there. Drug use is encouraged. Suicidal behavior resides in the houses there. "Rights" are strongly enforced in the rebellious, tripped out, risky mindsets shared among the siblings - Holland, included.

What's the point of arguing with him anymore? Holland is going to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do  it, with whoever he feels he wants to do it with - and he doesn't care, or respect me enough to understand that his married life now is not just about him; his bachelor day wants, or bachelor day self-righteous rights, anymore.

So, I just shut the fight down with, "You're right. You do have a right to be wrong. That said … I also have a right, and I choose the right to allow you [your right]. You want to continue living a bachelor lifestyle? Fine with me. You want to continue acting like an overgrown brat? Fine with me. You want a Wife connection with me - while treating me like a whore … not fine with me. The line you keep shouting at me, [that it's none of my fucking business where you go, what you do, or who you do it with], is what men angrily tell their whores to shut down any connection to them at all besides the bedroom connection. N.o.t.o.k.a.y.w.i.t.h.m.e! So, I'm going to respectfully pull back from your hellfire blaze - I've already raised my kids and grandkids; I don't need an overgrown binky sucker shouting at me, stomping his feet, and stating his rights to behave as a rebellious, self-righteous brat. I want a full-grown man in my life, who understands what being a mature Husband means: none of your redmill males understand that simple logistic fact - and the redmill females are just as at fault, for accepting this bad behavior; I am not a redmill woman, and I do not accept the redmill bullshit. We specifically came back to WA from AZ because you were bitching about {clogged lungs} due to the sand storms: and now you have the unmitigated gall to stand there in self-righteous anger and complain about my "bitching", because I don't want you want to clog your struggling lungs up with cigarette smoke! I asked you not to go. You went anyway … and deliberately hid that phlegm-inducing incident from me, when you came back here; I wouldn't have known at all why you are gasping for breath, spitting up, or coughing uncontrollably … until you were talking with your cousin and mentioned the house visits. So, understanding now that you don't see this marriage as anything more than a strategic battlefield filled with landmines and underhanded ploys; I'm going to withdraw from an unwinnable situation, and let you enjoy your [rights], while I set into play a few rights of my own. It's my right to stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors rooted in rebellious rights. It's my right to want - and expect - peace in my golden years. I'm living on borrowed time; I don't have time … and I am not making time, to entertain your suicidal tendencies." Then, he hit me with a new punch-line, saying, "Well, you'll probably be dead in 5 years." That was a new low for him; but he had just spent time with his rotten, mean-spirited family, & I kinda expected it. Speaking unkind or wounding words = a "curse of words", is a redmill hallmark from both genders; it's the redmill [way]. So, I wrapped up the argument with, "That may be so. I may very well be dead in 5 years time (I'll be 74 yo, then) … could be sooner, given my faulty lungs & heart - as well as the fact that you just spoke a curse over my life, which is not a Christian thing to do if you are claiming to be a Christian; Elohim specifically forbids witchcraft - I don't give a shit what your family teaches: Elohim forbids curses, of any kind. But in the meantime, I am not going to be fighting with you anymore. About anything. You keep your "rights", curse anyone that gets in your way, and spend your nights alone; with your free-wheeling bachelor ideals, your Indian witchcraft/vineyard/redmill religion bullshit, & your suicidal family bonds. I don't want to do this anymore - you are all out of control; I need space from you for a while. I don't take this pompous self-righteous shit from anyone - not strangers, not my kids, or my grandkids; and I'm not going to take it from you."

His family is certifiable batty. He is not the man he put forward to me for the 18 months of our friendship before marriage; and he for sure is not the husband he promised me I'd be getting, if I wove my life with his. This marriage is so toxic. It doesn't matter where we are hunkered down - he always carries the redmill chaos with him that poisons anything good struggling to be born between our outreaching hearts. The redmill testosterone-driven-cultic-toxicity, overshadows everything concerning US.

Literally.

E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

Unless there is a miraculous and divine break with that devilry, this complex and exhausting marital situation is hopeless.

Which brought on the first tears of the entire torturous day.

It's always sad when it's apparent that bull-headedness rooted in poisoned rootstock, is determined to undermine a good thing. Simply for the self-righteous right to be wrong.

That my husband does not - or actually refuses - to understand that his lifestyle choices are a blatant red flag of disrespect; destroying the thinning fabric of our marriage; undermining the shaky thread of love still clinging to the tattered fabric; and staunchly stands by the testosterone-ridden-redmill right to be wrong (because to bend to my wishes means he is pussy-whipped) … is sad, and  heartbreaking.

So; my heart cried. For what was, what could have been - what is, and what will be.

And my spirit whispered, “Remember Job”.

That’s all it took to dry my tears up.

Job is my “go to” Book in the Bible because it’s SO FULL of HOPE and COMFORT for the soul-weary Christian caught in a battle they do not want.

Time is wrapping up – for me personally (5 years comes up on a person very quickly), and for the world in general: I don't believe in the power of curses over a Christian's Life, but I do believe that as a Christian, I need to make sure my heart is right; and that I am ready to meet Yeshua whenever the time comes to be called Home; and given the way things are unfolding in the world today … chances are I could be called Home at any given second. I'm ready. I've been ready since 1965, when I got saved & water baptized. I can't allow myself to be sidelined by the chaos continually whipped up by people in my immediate circle that are  bent on self-destruction & devilish behavior. I don't want to find myself benched in the end game because I got side-tracked - or kept stressed out with nonsense.

It is possible to have peace in the midst of the storm – I have experienced that peace several times in my lifetime when I keep my eyes on Yeshua and my mind on Elohei.

Even though I don’t know where this new path in my life will take me, I am not afraid of the unknown destination … or the continual chaotic frenzies: I went through many chaotic frenzies through the decades, and especially during months before Bob's physical death - and the turbulent months with the kid's sadistic behaviors towards me, following Bob's death; I will confidently weather the redmill frenzies too, because I know Elohim is always aware with a ready & timely response, Yeshua is always present, and the peace of the Ruach HaKo'desh comforts me.

Nothing Holland throws my way is anything new: I've already dealt with all of it, and came out of the sulfurous hellfire in one piece smelling like a rose. Being thrown to the wolves is nothing new, either … I came back stronger & leading the pack. Hellfire & wolves don't scare me.

But Holland's presence in my Life did - and does - surprise me. This entire situation surprises me because I don't take missteps, or engage in mishaps: I take every precaution to avoid serious pitfalls. So, finding myself mired in an ever expanding emotional sinkhole is pretty surprising. And confusing. And very complex.

There's no doubt that Elohim orchestrated this entire thing.

But, I'm at a complete loss as how to explain why.

Holland has had the proverbial {1 foot out the door} for much of this marriage; and it's very confusing, and presses on more than 1 of my nerves.

But I don't argue with Elohim.

I may argue with my husband, but I don't argue with Elohim.

For whatever reason Elohim tied our lives together, I will continue forward with my husband; being a domestic wife in the situation I have been thrust into. I will honor Elohim in this weird and strange marriage. I will honor my husband while struggling through a disjointed, and disconnected barren marriage - by doing this, I am also honoring Yeshua's teaching on marital unions … which will open many, many more ‘in the moment’ future doors: 1 for each new day I am granted to walk this Earth.

Hopefully, at some point, Holland will actually be enjoying a married-married Life with me, instead of trying to force a lopsided marriage with a solo lobo-bachelor mindset-outlook attached to it, on US.

My life with Bob’s love in it, opened many exciting doors for 44 years of my 68 years.

My life with Holland's love in it (when he relaxes enough to allow love to linger), also opened many exciting doors for brief periods of time during our short marriage period: we've only been married for 29 months. Holland had been a bachelor for 25 years before he hitched his wagon to mine. He has been a redmill for 62 years - the testosterones-ridden-redmill-drive to be right at all costs, is strong.

29 months compared to 44 years is not even comparative.

But, it can be good - IF Holland will distance himself from the chaotic redmill dysfunction, and allow it.

I don’t make time for nonsense.

I choose the right to enjoy happiness, peace, and love.

I want happiness in our Life together.

I want peace in our home.

Happy should not be a constant struggle.

Happiness can't be "found".

Happiness won't "just magically happen".

I don't know yet how I am going to go forward - but I know I will: I will, because there's no other choice.

My Blog will be my journaling sounding board - the Friends I've made over the 21 years of Blogging are a great source of comfort during trying times; they are outreaching, encouraging, helpful, supportive, humorous, and engaging … and I will never run into any of them on the local streets, and have to field questions of , "How are you doing?" while my face betrays what my mouth says. I will mean it when I say, "I'm doing okay" - but {okay} in any given complicated situation carries several different interpretations; the primary meaning, meaning I'm weathering the storm, but gray clouds are still present: my face will show the internal struggle.

The friends I have on FB, are friends I occasionally run into - so, I'm not tapping into my FB Page that much, right now: my friends there, understand. They understand because they know me. They have known me for most of my Life … and if I'm pulling back, it's because I am deliberately avoiding awkward situations.

Determination to make happiness a fixed part of life, is a choice.

I choose the right to enjoy happiness, peace, and love.

I want happiness in my Life.

I want peace in my immediate surroundings.

So, I am for the time being, hopefully hanging back; and allowing my husband the time it will require to grow into the man Elohim & I know him to be. I pray that will happen, before the 5 year deadline (no pun intended) Holland threw into this turbulent Life blender, arrives.

I don't know if I can be silent for 5 years … but I'm game to give it a gung ho effort.

Love grows where happiness and peace thrive.