INDIAN NATION TIES

My BIL Rick, posted this song on his FB Page - and as I have Blackfoot DNA, a Grandson-in-Law who is Native American, a niece who is Piute Indian, and a dear friend who is Cowlitz Indian … as well as a new husband who is Cherokee Indian (and possibly also Blackfoot, like me) - I thought I'd share the song :-)

'Indian Reservation' song | Paul Revere and the Raiders | Lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhf_u0M6k9k)

Holland's family has Indian Nation ties, too; though they did not grow up on a reservation: they had their own family business, and Holland's mother found land in Vader-WA .. that the family bought, and turned into a Ranch. Holland talks about spending time there throughout his life - and I've been there many times, with him and with Crystal.

Holland was very close with his Grandparents.

They loved his Mother, Ruth, like a daughter.

Holland's Grandparents; Father, & Aunts; Holland was named after his Grandfather, Holland (aka, 'Blackie').

Holland, 27 yrs. In this picture of Holland, I SEE his Grandmother Ruby's chin & mouth, Blackie's high cheek bones, and his Father's eyes … he IS a true Redmill.

I asked Holland how his grandparents weathered an interracial marriage at a time when racism was rife in ALL RACES, in America. He said, "Thiers was not an interracial marriage" - both his grandfather & grandmother were Indians: Grandfather was at least half Cherokee, and Grandmother was 20% Indian also (either Blackfoot, or Choctaw - he isn't sure which).

I know there is Blackfoot blood in there somewhere … because Jake, Crystal (Holland's cousins), and I talked about our shared Blackfoot Indian blood before Holland and I were even "a thing" ;-)

Holland says his mother also had Indian blood in her veins (not sure what tribe; but less than a quarter); his entire family - both branches - were from Oklahoma, before moving to CA (Redmills moved to Winters-CA & Harris's moved to Layton-CA) … his parents met at Bible College in, or around, Santa Cruz-CA.

Holland; October 2023~Quartzsite-AZ. One would never know, unless he told … that he is part Native American; large part, Cherokee.

GOD IS NO STRANGER TO PAIN

SLEEP PATTERNS

What Your Sleep Pattern Says About Your Relationship: (https://www.rd.com/list/couple-sleep-positions/)

CIRCLING WITH HUMOR~Yuma-AZ

The morning sky was heavy with gray rain clouds … it looks like a WA sky, here, today; and the air is filled with the scent of grass fire smoke.  Fields are being burnt in mexico, in preparation for crop planting. Del Pueblo RV Resort is very close to the boarder and the atmosphere is a smokey drift haze overhanging the area.

Gray, wet morning.

We have a favorite roadside produce stand that we like to visit every week; we are still learning the roads here … and GPS is insisting on taking us in a continuous half hour looping circle out of our way to get to the produce stand literally mere minutes away from our front door.

It makes no sense at all as to why the roadway was designed this way.

It's nuts.

It's unnecessary.

But at least we were laughing with the absurdity.

Laughter is good medicine right now ;-)

Gonzalez Produce Stand from Del Pueblo RV Resort; 17 mins (11.6 mi) via E County 14th St & AZ 195-Araby Rd

Yuma has the craziest roadway design we've ever encountered …

Billy Preston - 'Will It Go Round In Circles' 1971 song: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuFOkAL8ihM)

Holland said, 'NO WAY!' - and found a way around the freeway snafu ;-)

Holland eventually got us from point A to point B without following GPS's freeway route … and we took notes of the street signs overhead, so hopefully, next week, we won't plug GPS in at all ;-)

While gathering and paying for our fruits and vegetables, we also bought some fresh made tamales to eat at home :-)

Gonzalez Produce Stand, off Hwy. #95; Yuma-AZ

Gonzalez Produce Stand; inside, everything very well organized & displayed well: (@ #7862 US-95, Yuma, AZ 85365)

DELISH fruits!

Health Benefits of Pomelo fruits:

 (https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/pomelo-fruit)

Fresh cooked Tamales - YUM.

Back home, we enjoyed an afternoon siesta, a leisurely Supper (the tamales were yummy) … and I finished another angel baby blanket, before relaxing with a blueberry margarita.

MOD Angel Baby Blanket w-picot edging; 15-in square Shabbat mitzvah.

Blueberry Margarita

Today has been a good day of togetherness, good humor, good mitzvah (commonly interpret it as “a good deed”; the term mitzvah comes from the root word tzavta, which means “connection.” What makes a mitzvah a mitzvah is its emphasis on action), and good relaxation :-)

The Olive Tree Ministries~The Day That Changed the World

I stand with Israel; period.

I don't argue the point with people … but I question those that call themselves Christians, who think the Church replaces Israel and the Jews. I purposefully distance myself from these people because they have willingly deluded themselves, and arguing with them is a total waste of time: their minds have been darkened, and their hearts have been hardened towards Truth.

Anti-Semitism has seriously been in the rise since the horrible 8 -year-d.e.m.o.n.rat barak hussain obama coup; and the current d.e.m.o.n.rat biden coup is pushing the obamas' program forward. barak hussain obama was pretty clear during both his coup terms - his primary goal was to destroy Israel … and destroy America. He was very vocal about these points.

I stand with Israel; this has been my stance since 1965, when I accepted Yeshua as my Lord and Savior.

I believe we are in the endgame of the End Times, spoken of in Biblical prophecy: foretold in both the Old Covenant & New Covenant.

I believe the apostacy foretold in the New Covenant was loosed in churches in the late 1980's; and Replacement Theology doctrine is being preached instead of actual Gospel.

Public … and sadly, Private Schools … and every one of America's Colleges and Universities, teach anti-Semitism - actually denying the Holocaust of January 30, 1933 – May 8, 1945 systematically murder of Jews in Germany  happened!

Public, Private Schools, every one of America's Colleges and Universities … all media sources, The UN, the d.e.m.o.n.rat White House & Congress are raising a cry and hue demanding all eyes and hearts be turned towards "compassionately embracing" hamas … and those supporting hamas!!!

I stand with Israel; period.

I don't argue the point with people … but I do question those that call themselves Christians, who do not.

DAMAGE CHECKS

NSYNC - 'This I Promise You' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq0RnzWL4zI)

A week and a half can seem like an eternity when bridges are avoided.

When pain overshadows everything, life can get very dark.

Where communication and touch end, everything seems further away than it actually is.

Roxette - 'Vulnerable' lyrics: 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsbQZBO9L9Y)

I cried a lot yesterday - past triggers, and present chaos have cut into sleep time, and I was edgy.

I also kept busy - busy works relaxes me, and adds balance to my life.

Angel Baby Blankets I had completed, and stored, before we started our marriage & USA Tour …

Newest ABB addition.

A timely phone call changed everything, yesterday afternoon :-)

I am glad I have true friends in my life, who force me to level up.

I am glad Elohim gifted me with a particular loving FRIEND who has loving eyes to see what angry pain blinds me to; I am glad this friend is more than simply a friend - this friend is {family} and boldly goes where angels fear to tread, and I appreciate that.

I am glad that my bestie keeps tabs on me through FB, this Blog, and sporadic texts. I'm glad my bestie loves me enough to "keep it real" when lovingly holding a mirror up, and gently forcing me to grow with a situation  … instead of letting me give into a fight or flight pattern.

I'm glad this particular loving friend has widened his embrace to include Holland in his loving concern.

The phone call came at the perfect moment; Elohim was working in both of our lives this afternoon.

I am eternally thankful for this loving concern without judgment.

I am glad I had the phone conversation on speaker phone.

I am glad Holland heard what was said - and accepted what was said. I'm glad a male friend spoke into our lives, at this time in our lives ;-)

We both knew we needed help: we both understood help had arrived with that phone call.

After the call ended, our eyes met across the room, and we both said at the same time, "I've missed you."

It was an Olive Branch moment.

Holland's emotions are the most damaged because he has gone through the most intense times - and has had to weather them on his own since he was forced to be on his own, at the tender age of 14.

He won't admit it, but his self-confidence stands on shaky ground. I know this because I love him, and I pay attention to the way he stands. The way he reacts. The way his eyes and tone change in tricky situations. I am aware of emotional withdrawal when our hearts get too close for his comfort. He doesn't say much verbally … but he says a lot, without being aware that he has spoken anything at all.

Love, for him, is an iffy thing. He struggles to feel it. He struggles to accept it. He struggles to allow it. Love, in his life, has always been a fleeting thing that has left severely damaging wakes in it's passing throughout his life.

I want him to know that he is lovable. He is worthy of love.

John Legend - 'All Of Me' lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGU3HyY19X4

I want him to know that I will love him no matter what.

I understand now, that when he separates himself from me, he is fighting the love demon that tells him he is unlovable. He is wrestling with damage vibrations of grief losses.

I walked to the bunkroom doorway, closing the open space between us; and said, "Holland: I want you to hear me - and let this sink in: I could have been dating from 2019 'til we got together; I deliberately held off until my heart came alive and Elohim whispered, 'he's the one'. I chose you. You are love worthy. I'm not interested in anyone else. I.c.h.o.s.e.y.o.u. You are the perfect man for me."

Diana Ross - 'If We Hold On Together' lyrics: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMadmAHjt50)

Eventually, he came out of the bunkroom while I was sitting at the dining table, working on an Angel Baby Blanket. He leaned down on the kitchen island, and said, "I love you, Baby; I'm sorry I made you cry."

Then he asked me what I was doing. I said, "I'm making Angel Baby Blankets - I learned a lot with Bob's passing; before Death touched us I never really understood the depth and scope of Grief. I thought there was a time limit on grieving … 1, 2 years into the process, people {should be "over it"}, you know?" Holland said, "It doesn't work like that." And I heard the soft pain in his voice, and I said just as softly, "I know that now; I was ignorant then, because even though death had touched my life - it really hadn't touched my life until I lost Bob's presence in my life. After Bob's spirit passed, I understood the deep pain of grief: I came to understand that the grieving process never really ends. It changes, and you learn to live with it: but it never ends. I needed to be busy, or go crazy with grief: for the first two years, I kept busy designing and crafting several crochet lapghans for hospice, and lots of knitted Newborn beanies and baby blankets for the maternity ward … but St. John's Hospital-Peace Health, eventually stopped the need for those outlets. Then I read about the Angel Baby Blankets program, and I started doing that - I was doing better with my grieving, but it still helped to be busy, filling those empty hours. This busy work helps me relax … to offer in some small way a bit of comfort during a time of grieving - having this little square of baby blanket pattern verifies the baby they never got to bring home to their nursery, and having something tangible to handle when the pain hurts, helps them come to terms with their loss."

And then the floodgates opened and we talked.

We actually heard each other out.

And we came to an understanding agreement with each other: when I get quiet and withdraw to refocus and find balance again, Holland won't take it personally; he'll give me the space I need until the mood lightens and I fully engage again. When Holland gets quiet and withdraws to refocus and find balance again (this may include bunkroom time; and possibly some angry talk), I won't take it personally - I'll suck it up, and give him the time he needs to lighten up and fully engage again.

We will not be quick to take offense when these moments happen.

He said, "I'm not used to sharing personal stuff with people. Guys don't do stuff like that."

I almost cried with the loneliness that tinged his tone. I said, "I know. But, you will get comfortable with sharing personal stuff with me - I'm your wife and there is no secret you cannot share with me; together we can weather the storm, stronger. I love you - warts, and all."

Holland shares little.

I share everything.

Sometimes between the little, and the everything, things can quickly go south … but now we both understand that: and we are consciously working on bettering our responses.

We are newlyweds building a Life together: we are people with Past baggage.

We are both damaged people healing by the grace of God: and we know that Elohim is aware of our personal struggles, and that He is working on our behalf to settle accounts so we can fully enjoy our Life together.

Diana Ross – 'When You Tell Me That You Love Me' lyrics:

 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0pIjB7OsMs)

If we never lose sight of that Truth - and keep our love alive during turbulent times … we'll make it safely (and stronger) through to the other side, where Victory lies and Testimony waits to bolster someone else.

Painful situations serve a purpose: we both know that. But challenging situations that make powerful testimonies are never fun for those going through it :-(

Thank Elohim for His presence, and damage checkpoints.

Thank Elohim for good friends that offer sound advice, and point the way to damage checkpoints, without judgment.

Damage checks are safety beacons that keep us in adult mode; and adult mode will keep our home a happy place to be despite the withdrawal symptoms that occasionally show themselves ;-)

Finishing touches after Supper; another 15-inch ABB finished … and placed with the others.

P.S: On another topic … it rained last night ;-)

It rained all night, in sunny Arizona ;-)

LIVING WITH GRIEF TRIGGERS

November 14th: I'm sick of the specter of Death.

Holland and I are both living with death triggers - his are longer than mine, but they are still there; he's been grieving death losses for at least two decades … could be longer, as his nephew is in his mid-20's now. My death triggers started the Fall of 2018 - and for a while, after Holland came into my life, they subsided while I basked in newfound happiness.

But that happiness has been shattered; my life is a  mess again … and the triggers have started firing fresh rounds.

Holland has shared his grief losses with me: Steve (brother, dead), one of his pastors, Ruth (mother, dead), Tammy (sister, dead), his father (dead), Rick (brother, dead) - as well as people that are slowly dying, which is a whole other level of grief: Lana dying (SIL), Mark dying (brother), and one of his pals, Cal dying (supposedly). There have been several relative deaths too, but these are the ones closest to his heart that he misses the most.

I've only felt three serious grief losses: Tim, my cousin; we were close, more like siblings: Doug, an old boyfriend; who was also a lifelong friend … and Bob, my first husband; the love of my life until Holland came into my life 2 years ago.

I don't know what season(s) Holland's grief losses happened, but I do know that he still grieves. Deeply.

I have mentioned before that Holland has worked, and lived, in pretty much every State across the USA; and as I've learned - so have the people mentioned above. Every State we travel through has a life story connected to it … and Holland is right back in that moment in time, reliving the story; and the loss.

All of my grief losses happened in the Fall and Winter months.

These months are always hard ones for me to get through. Tim died 49 years ago. Doug died 27 years ago … and Bob passed into Glory almost 5 years ago (December 14th, will be the 5 year mark).

It took me y.e.a.r.s. to get past the pain of losing Bob.

By the time Holland became a permanent fixture in my life (10 months ago), I was settling into my Solo Lobo life - the tears weren't choking me anymore and I could breathe without my chest squeezing at the thought of life without Bob; I was still grieving the loss … but  on a different level: I was healing. I was moving forward without my knees buckling. I was allowing old and new friends into my small inner circle. I was making it a point to eat in a sit-down restaurant one day, every week - forcing myself to feel comfortable with the vacant seat across from me. I was Daytripping far and wide, broadening my comfort zone. I was building a Solo Lobo life.

I grieved hard for the first three years of widowhood.

Then, in the Fall of 2022, I surprised myself by enjoying newfound happiness and love, with Holland. We'd know each other for about 18 months at this point, so a quick dating cycle and subsequent remarriage for both of us (Holland had been divorced for decades) seemed the natural course of action - it didn't seem that quick. We both felt we had known each other all our lives. We were happy. We were in love. We were building a Life together.

But Grief is a tricky imp: he doesn't always show himself to play tormenting games with our limping emotions … but all those feelings are still there; they may not be as intense as there used to be (thank The Lord!), but they lie just a hair's breath beneath the surface - waiting to spring with a stinging vengeance when triggered.

They blossom anew, and are felt just as intensely as the day they came into our lives to stay as reminders of a face and a love we'll never enjoy seeing or feeling again.

This week has been a very hard one.

I don't know what Holland is going through because he doesn't talk with me - he will talk at me, but he doesn't talk with me: he doesn't share anything with me unless it's grief related. He will talk with Mark, Lana, and Cal for hours about anything and everything … but he doesn't talk with me about anything and everything - unless it's to mention to me some bitching he's done with Lana, and by then he's been so hyped up by the shared bitching, that he's in fight mode: snappiness between us is the usual fallout. He doesn't realize that, doesn't want to hear that; and I've given up hoping the situation will change. Before and after his conversations with Mark, he's feeling guilty for being here with me - instead of back in WA; he's afraid Mark will die before he gets to spend face-time with him, again. Cal is a different story altogether, and any mention of that small-minded little man is sure fire way to verbal warfare. Cal is domineering, and intrusive, and I really do not understand why Holland considers him a "friend": since Day One of our marriage, Cal has been in our business, blowing Holland's phone up with calls, texts, and missed messages … and now he's started to harass my phone with texts and missed calls: I do not like him. At all.

These three people are what the arguments are mainly about; and they are destroying US.

Presently, Holland has separated himself from me: we occupy the same living space … but we are world's apart.

Holland is caught up in the grief surrounding afore mentioned people.

I am trying to come to terms with the loss of Holland - he's still my husband, but he has removed himself from my small inner circle: this is a grief I am not familiar with, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. The constant uncertainty keeps me on a constant emotional roller coaster - constantly feeling overwhelmed.

When I am stressed, I withdraw.

I basically shut down: and a Wall goes up.

 However, Life continues marching forward, and I have to engage in life again, at some point. Engaging means letting the Wall down … when the Wall come down, even the barest fraction, pent up tears are released; and the tears trigger dormant grief.

It is the middle of November.

The middle of November harbors painful memories for me.

For a brief time last November, there were no tears.

This November, there are tears aplenty. The unexpected grief loss shock of being told by Holland that he "needs a break" from our 10-month marriage (to his way of thinking, his "obligations" to the Past, trump any presence I thought I had in his Present, and the Future he promised me), has triggered painful memories of doctors in 2018, telling me Bob was dying. The circumstances and situations are vastly different of course, but the gut wrench is the same intensity.

I have lost … and am losing … each husband to things that have gotten out of control.

Death is death, and grief is grief - no matter the circumstances and situation.

The raw grief of losing two husbands in the same month, in such a short period of time; is how I found myself lying in bed, alone, feeling a huge knot form in my stomach and crying my heart and soul out at 2 A.M. this morning … and drinking coffee at the dining table, at 4 A.M.; eventually getting my hands busy with designing and crafting another Angel Baby Blanket.

Alvin Lee - 'Blues Has Got A Hold On Me' song: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUa-Ro4e0Ts)

 

Beautiful sunrise, this morning.

So pretty …

Pink clouds means a a pleasant start to the Day; that's an encouraging thought.

Breakfast; half grapefruit & half orange … very sweet, less acidic than pure grapefruits.

MOD Angel Baby Blanket; started A.M.

I understand that working on Angel Baby Blankets is a grief-related activity, but it is an activity that has a productive purpose: it is busy activity that will relax me and calm my thoughts - and it is an activity that will give some solace to hurting parents.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to be hopeful.

I'm trying like hell to understand the grief cycle he's caught up, in.

But I don't think I can be supportive with his destructive behavior: it's hurtful to him, and it's definitely hurtful to me.

My heart hurts.

My head aches.

 My eyes burn.

And I'm finding it hard to breathe easy.

What is happening here in Yuma, between Holland and I, is not a peace generating thing; he has stirred up chaos and heartache. He has tripped grief triggers for me, that will be hard to tame, again.

I don't know how long Holland will allow Death and Grief to rule his life: I don't know how he can justify willingly hurting me to satisfy his need to please himself. I don't know how he can continue deluding himself that he is a "good Christian man" when he is acting like a worldly heel - he is not standing by me, treating me well, or loving me as "Christ loves His Own".

But, for myself, I want to LIVE a full Life while I am still breathing; I am not going to entertain (or whip into an emotional firestorm) Grief.

I'm going to watch sunrises and sunsets. I'm going to continue exploring, and having fun adventures. I'm going to savor tasty delights. I'm going to enjoy friendships, and have conversations that are not one-sided. I'm going to paint my nails in bold and bright colors.

I'm going to consciously tamp down the grief triggers so they are once again manageable memories instead of searing inferno's that suck the oxygen out of the room.

ABB finished 9 P.M. 15 in x 15 in.

And I'm going to continue trusting Elohim for the love He promised me.

I'm sick of the specter of Death.